Magazine of the Month

Arthritis Today.





What, just today? Does it go away tomorrow? Stupid title.

Magazine Title of the Month

Grow Your Own.



I kid you not.

NASA'S SWIFT SURVEY FINDS 'SMOKING GUN' OF BLACK HOLE ACTIVATION

New Data from NASA

WASHINGTON -- Data from an ongoing survey by NASA's Swift satellite
have helped astronomers solve a decades-long mystery about why a
small percentage of black holes emit vast amounts of energy.

Only about one percent of supermassive black holes exhibit this
behavior. The new findings confirm that black holes "light up" when
galaxies collide, and the data may offer insight into the future
behavior of the black hole in our own Milky Way galaxy. The study
will appear in the June 20 issue of The Astrophysical Journal
Letters.

The intense emission from galaxy centers, or nuclei, arises near a
supermassive black hole containing between a million and a billion
times the sun's mass. Giving off as much as 10 billion times the
sun's energy, some of these active galactic nuclei (AGN) are the most
luminous objects in the universe. They include quasars and blazars.

"Theorists have shown that the violence in galaxy mergers can feed a
galaxy's central black hole," said Michael Koss, the study's lead
author and a graduate student at the University of Maryland in
College Park. "The study elegantly explains how the black holes
switched on."

Until Swift's hard X-ray survey, astronomers never could be sure they
had counted the majority of the AGN. Thick clouds of dust and gas
surround the black hole in an active galaxy, which can block
ultraviolet, optical and low-energy, or soft X-ray, light. Infrared
radiation from warm dust near the black hole can pass through the
material, but it can be confused with emissions from the galaxy's
star-forming regions. Hard X-rays can help scientists directly detect
the energetic black hole. Since 2004, the Burst Alert Telescope (BAT)
aboard Swift has been mapping the sky using hard X-rays.

"Building up its exposure year after year, the Swift BAT Hard X-ray
Survey is the largest, most sensitive and complete census of the sky
at these energies," said Neil Gehrels, Swift's principal investigator
at NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Md.

The survey, which is sensitive to AGN as far as 650 million
light-years away, uncovered dozens of previously unrecognized
systems.

"The Swift BAT survey is giving us a very different picture of AGN,"
Koss said. The team finds that about a quarter of the BAT galaxies
are in mergers or close pairs. "Perhaps 60 percent of these galaxies
will completely merge in the next billion years. We think we have the
'smoking gun' for merger-triggered AGN that theorists have
predicted."

Swift, launched in November 2004, is managed by Goddard. It was built
and is being operated in collaboration with Penn State, the Los
Alamos National Laboratory in New Mexico, and General Dynamics in
Falls Church, Va.; the University of Leicester and Mullard Space
Sciences Laboratory in the United Kingdom; Brera Observatory and the
Italian Space Agency in Italy; plus additional partners in Germany
and Japan.

Other members of the study team include Richard Mushotzky and Sylvain
Veilleux at the University of Maryland and Lisa Winter at the Center
for Astrophysics and Space Astronomy at the University of Colorado in
Boulder.

Magazine Title of the Month

Bus and Coach Buyer Monthly....


Actually, if I hang on long enough I should be able to get next months title in real soon.

This was the week when.....

Someone left because they wanted to get away. Someone shaved their face and left the bits in a box. Someone got a new uniform. Two people keep talking shit. Someone got 50 Birthday messages on FB. Someone got drunk on my Birthday? Someone is still talking shit. Some people made a cake. Someone ate the cake and got a sugar overdose. What a week???

Stupid Dream

I had a weird dream recently, and it got to me, big time. The dream was about me watching football on the TV. Suddenly, for whatever reason, one of the players got sliced in half, straight across his mid-riff. I put a hand up to my face, and I remember saying I couldn't watch, but through my fingers I saw the top half of the body clawing himself away toward the middle of the pitch, while the bottom half was being pulled off the pitch by the ref holding his legs. Even stranger was the TV commentator, talking about it being a game of 2 halves. Screwed up my sleep pattern for hours. Can anyone explain this?

Icelandic Volcano Insurance scam

The Insurers of flight companies, trying to get stranded passengers to their destinations have stated that there will be no insurance compensation pay outs as the Volcano was 'an ACT OF GOD'!!!
What????
Who's god??? Christian? Catholic? Buddhist? Hindu? Or whatever god you happen to have faith in, it makes no difference.
Ask your church for compensation. You people pay enough in to keep the faith, claim some back. It's your right.
And what if you are Athiest? Surely you have a major problem with this. I certainly do, and it doesn't involve me, meaning that I'm an atheist, but wasn't caught up in the flight drama.
This whole scenario drags up the same old thing. If there was no religion, there would be no god ( note lower case, because there is still no proof and the word god get's the contempt it deserves), therefore the blame would be laid at the feet of nature, which for some stupid reason is totally acceptable. Atheism is not being accepted World wide, yet there are more atheists in North America than there are over the rest of the planet ( Don't ask me for figures. Read "The God Delusion- Richard Dawkins". The most enlightening book you will ever read).
Creation of the Planet put the volcanoes here, not some myth with a big beard, and I find it incredibly tedious to hear the same old shit that it's god's will. If we were created in his own image, he must have hated the way he looked to reek the havoc and cause the amount of damage that he has to his own kind. It just doesn't add up.

Colchester Zoo Trip

I am so looking forward to this. Me and Sharron are off to Colchester Zoo at the end of May, during my week off. Apart from the things we have, called cats, this will be the closest I will get to the real thing. Lots of photo's will follow.

Night Shift News

Bringing you all the News that is New, or not. Sports....In a confidential report just recieved by the Loopy News Desk, the Olympic Committee have declined a request for a new sport. Sport scientists had the radical idea of putting football and cricket together and calling it Fooket. Unfortunately they hadn't seen the consequences it would have caused in Liverpool.

A letter to dear old Nan

Sorry about the flowers on your grave Nan. I think a cat got them, or those bloody kids from number 45. They never were a good bunch of kids. I remember chasing those little shits down the road with my baseball bat many years ago, just to keep them off the blackcurrant bushes at the end of the garden. The little shits. No good now of course, now your up there, spying on everyone. The blackcurrants and the gooseberries in your old garden are a free for all, to all the scroungers and Pikey's, who still manage to put a caravan site where it ain't wanted. Oh, and the old bag from 37 sends her best. Whatever that means? She's just jealous about the procession you had through town. The last time she saw that amount of flowers, she was rolling over them with Uncle Fred during the flower festival of 1947. How a lovely festival can go so wrong in so few minutes is quite staggering. The small community of Romford still hasn't recovered, but it now has a better view of what it's like to live in the outside World. Sorry I can't stay longer, but it's cat injection week, and if I don't get mine done, he'll be pissing up the wall for another few months. Lots of love..me

Magazine Title of the Month

The Decorator....apparently it does what it says on the tin!!!

Justtin

Chapter nine

In the end.

Justtin made his way to where he found Barry and Penny in tears, and surrounded by small fires.
“ Now see what you’ve done,” said Pug. “ You’ve upset the lady, and the girlie.”
“ What?” said Barry, wiping his nose on his sleeve.
“ I never said a word,” said Justtin. “ Where’s Zed and Bert?”
Penny howled and started to cry all over again.
“ I’m afraid they’re both dead,” said Barry wiping his nose again. “ They just sort of blew up.”
“ Yeah, alright lad. Don’t keep going on about it,” said Bert.
“ Hello, Jus,” said Zed. “ Come and join us.”
“ Join us?” said Bert. “ Are you having a laugh, or what? What’s he gonna use, glue?”
“ But I can still hear them,” said Justtin.
“ I can too,” said Barry. “ They’re ghosts.”
“ Wicked,” said Pug.
“ You don’t have a moral bone in your body, do you,” Justtin said to the dog.
“ Not that I can vouch for,” said Pug.
“ He does talk,” said Zed.
“ What?” said Barry, as he turned round, trying to work out which direction Zed’s voice was coming from.
“ Pug,” said Zed. “ I can hear him talking.”
“ Yeah, me too,” said Bert.
“ That’s blown the laugh’s for me then,” said Pug. “ Now what am I going to do?”
“ Stick to putting out fires,” said Justtin. “ There’s a couple of small ones over there to be getting on with, while I figure out what’s going on here.”
“ As good as done,” said Pug, as he turned himself into something resembling a canine whirlwind, and happily sprayed away the flames.
Justtin did a quick scan, and found dad behind a second door.
“ How did he get in there?” asked Justtin.
“ I have a theory,” said Zed. “ I think he was trying to make his way out, when the blast knocked him back in.”
“ So the blast was for no reason then,” said Barry.
“ That’s what I reckon,” said Zed.
“ Bastard,” said Bert.
“ This gets funnier by the minute,” said Pug, as he returned from fire duty.
“ So all we’ve got to do is open the door and get him out,” said Justtin.
“ Can you do it?” Barry asked.
“ I’ll try anything once,” said Justtin.
“ Does that mean, if it don’t work, you’re giving up?” asked Pug.
Zed sniggered.
“ He’s funny, isn’t he?” he said.
“ Bloody hilarious,” said Bert.
Justtin had already moved to the door, and had scanned it once again.
“ Well, here goes,” he said. A small panel opened on his arm, and he produced a large key. He inserted the key in the lock, and turned it.
SNAP. The key broke in two.
“ Nuts,” said Justtin. “ Ok, plan B.”
“ How many plans do you have?” asked Pug.
“ 26,” said Justtin. “ One for each letter of the alphabet.”
“ Glad to see you came well prepared,” said Pug. “ So what does plan B involve?”
“ This little beauty,” said Justtin, as another panel slid open, and out came a diamond tip drill bit.
“ Now, that is impressive,” said Pug, as he watched Justtin drill a large hole next to the door hinge. Minutes later, the door was more holes than wood, and Justtin decided that that was probably enough. He put away his drill bit, and moved back from the door.
“ Now what?” asked Barry.
“ We wait,” said Justtin.
“ What for?” asked Barry.
ATCHOO! sneezed Penny, loudly.
“ That,” said Justtin, as he and Barry watched the door collapse and crumble into a heap on the floor.
“ It was only a matter of time,” said Justtin. “ The door was rotten. The dog’s breath would have had the same effect.”
“ Charming,” said Pug.
“ No offence meant,” said Justtin.
“ Lots taken, you big dustbin,” said Pug.
“ Dustbin?” said Barry. “ Why did I just hear the word ‘dustbin’?”
“ It was Pug,” said Zed. “ See, I told you, didn’t I?”
“ You mean he really can talk?” Barry asked whoever was still listening.
“ Yes,” said Justtin, “ but for some reason you can only hear selective words.”
“ And I thought it was Bert throwing his voice,” said Barry.
“ Told you, didn’t I, you big goon,” said Pug.
“ He really is very funny,” said Zed.
“ Why, what’s he saying?” asked Barry.
“ It’s probably better that you don’t know,” said Zed. “ Let’s go and get your dad.”
“ Oh yeah,” said Barry, suddenly remembering why he was there.
He clambered over the rubble and made his way through the door, and with his torch beam shining straight ahead, he picked out the shape he’d been looking for.
Justtin and Pug came in behind Barry, and stared at a blackened face staring back at them.
“ Dad Trotter, I presume,” said Justtin.
“ Er, yeah. Who the bloody hell are you?” said dad, feeling disorientated and tired, after spending more than a day trapped in the dark.
“ Dad, it’s me. Barry.”
“ My God. You’ve grown up,” said dad.
“ Sorry,” said Barry. “ I had to.”
“ I could do with a drink,” said dad.
“ He might as well have my beers,” said Bert. “ I ain’t gonna need ‘em.”
“ And food. Have you got anything to eat.”
Barry offered him a Mars bar.
“ Here, chew on this,” said dad’s eldest. “ That’s Justtin. Don’t you remember him?”
“ That’s never Justtin,” said dad. “ He never had legs, and he wasn’t claret and blue. Which reminds me, how are the Hammers doing?”
“ Don’t ask,” said Barry.
“ As bad as that,” said dad.
“ I said don’t ask,” said Barry. “ Let’s get you out of here, and I’ll explain everything on the way.”
“ Where’s Zed?” asked dad.
“ I’m here,” said the ghost.
“ And me,” said Bert.
“ What happened to you two?” asked dad.
“ They never could handle explosions very well,” said Justtin.
“ Just lead the way, will you,” Barry said to Justtin.
“ Righty-o,” said Justtin. “ Come on Pugly. I’ll show you how to get out.”
“ You don’t have to tell me twice,” said the dog. “ It stinks down here. Even when he’s dead, he stinks.”
“ Sod off,” said Bert. “ I know you’re talking about me.”
“ I wonder why death sharpened his hearing?” said Pug.
“ No idea,” said Justtin. “ I can’t explain everything.”
“ I told you I would explain everything,” said Barry. “ Only I don’t know where to start.”
“ Blimey,” said Pug. “ Barry can hear you as well. I wish we could go back a few hours. I was having so much fun.”
Dad and Barry emerged into the daylight and dad had to shield his eyes from the bright glare.
Penny met them by the van, and having said hello, put a blanket around dad’s shoulders.
“ Thanks love,” said dad. “ I didn’t think I was going to get out of there.”
“ I thought I would,” said Bert. “ At least in one piece.”

***

The band sat in the hotel, watching T.V. and waited for the phone to ring.
“ I wonder where Pat got to,” said Ade.
“ You know what he’s like,” said Mick. “ He’s probably gone on a cruise, or something. He’ll turn up eventually. He always does.”
“ Yeah, you’re right,” said Ade.
The telephone started to sing to itself in the background, and seconds later, Ade was talking to Barry.
“ Hey, manager dude. What’s happening?”
“ Did they phone you?” Barry asked.
“ Who?” asked Ade.
“ The people from the Cruise ship,” Barry lied.
“ Not heard a thing,” said Ade. “ Why?”
“ So you haven’t heard then.”
“ No. What?”
“ Apparently the boat sank, so we’re going back to Romford until something else comes up.”
“ We’ve been watching T.V. all day. We’ve not seen anything.”
“ What channel have you got it on?” Barry asked.
“ The BBC.”
“ Ah, well that’s why then. Sky have the exclusive. Anyway, we’re on our way to pick you up. See you in about an hour, ok?”
“ Er, yeah. No problem.”
The line went dead.
“ Gig’s off lads,” said Ade. “ Apparently the boat sank.”
“ Probably the same one Pat was on,” said Mick.

***

“ You lying git,” said Zed.
“ Well, I had to tell them something,” said Barry.
“ The boat sank?” said Zed. “ Even they will see through that.”
“ Look,” said Barry, “ I’ve got my dad back, after twenty five years. Do you really think I give a shit about the band? This wasn’t about them, this was all about me, finding my dad. And now I’ve found him, nothing else matters.”
“ That’s a fair point, I suppose,” said Zed. “ I wish I could drink. I really fancy one right now.”
“ You could always have some spirits,” said Barry.

***

The phone call came early the following week, and Barry answered it.
“ Hello,” he said.
“ Er, hello there,” said a posh voice. “ Can I speak to Barry Trotter?”
“ Speaking,” said Barry.
“ This is Mark Williams, head of programming at the BBC. I was wondering if you would like to come in and be interviewed by Michael Parkinson?”
“ Wow, er, yeah, why not,” said a stunned Barry.
“ We believe you have a fascinating story, and we are convinced that the viewing public will be as blown away, as we were when we heard it.”
“ Cool,” said Barry. “ When and where?”
“ We’ll send a car for you on Monday, and record the show that night. All things going well, it will be aired on Friday.”
“ Ok,” said Barry. “ See you then.”
“ Yes, goodbye,” said Mark Williams.
“ Bye,” said Barry and punched the air with delight, only to smash the light shade, and shower himself with glass.
“ Must get that fixed,” he said.

***

The car arrived, as arranged, and whisked Barry off to the T.V. centre, where he was greeted by the show’s producer.
Barry was shown around the complex, and then taken to the studio, where later in the day, The Parkinson Show was to be recorded.
“ So,” said Barry, “ is there some kind of rehearsal?”
“ No, no,” said the producer. “ No rehearsal. Michael is a true professional. He doesn’t mess about with silly things like rehearsals.”
“ So how does he know if things are going ok?” Barry asked.
“ We tell him,” said the producer.
“ But what if something goes wrong?” asked Barry.
“ We don’t tell him,” said the producer.
“ Fair enough,” said Barry.
Barry was then taken to a small room close to the studio, to get his make up done.
“ When you’ve finished here, someone will take you to the green room, where you can relax, and have a drink or two, while you wait for Michael to interview you.”
“ Will it be long?” Barry asked.
“ Why? Do you have something else planned?”
“ Just got to get back and feed my Aunt,” said Barry. Damn, thought Barry, I meant to say dog.
“ You’re weird,” said the producer, and left Barry at the mercy of the make up artist.
Half an hour later, Barry was in the green room, and sipping on his first pint, when somebody came in and asked him if his name was Rod Stewart.
He pointed out the singer, and went back to his drink.
Two pints later, he was approached by the same somebody.
“ Mr. Trotter?” the girl asked.
“ It is,” said Barry.
“ We’re ready for you.”
“ Lead the way,” said Barry, slipping off his chair and landing on his bottom.
The girl helped him up, to rapturous applause from Rod.
“ Thanks,” he said to the girl.
“ Sit on this and swivel,” he said to Rod Stewart, as he stuck his middle finger up.
Old twat, thought Barry.
Feckin’ idiot, thought Rod.
The girl led him along the corridor to the studio, and took him behind the set.
“ Wait here while Michael does his introduction, then when the applause starts, you go out.”
“ Ok,” said Barry, feeling a little nervous.
“ Please welcome, Barry Trotter,” said Parky.
Barry headed toward the applause, and as he came down the stairs, he saw Parky. He made a beeline straight for him, very conscious of how he was walking, and got to Parky without incident.
Barry shook Parky’s hand and took his seat.
“ So,” said Parky, “ welcome to the show. It’s a fantastic story of a man’s undying love for his father, so let’s get some background. How did it all start?”
“ Well, if you must know,” said Barry, “ it started at the end.”


***** The other end *****

Justtin special announcement

The next chapter of Jusstin will be, and is, sadly the last. The entire book is almost here on blogger at the moment, and will be available for the next 2 months. After that, my website will go live, and the first 2 chapters will be available free to read as much as you want. But if you feel you need to read more, i will be adding a Paypal link so you can download the entire book in pdf format, to read at your leisure. The main idea behind this is to generate enough finance to get the book published in paperback form. A goal in itself. I will continue to use facebook, as much as I can, but Blogger will probably go, as i will be using wordpress on my website to do the same thing. Now i'm off to prepare my welcome blog for Loopystuff.com.

Justtin

Chapter eight

The greatest trick in the world

Arriving at the site of the castle brought a lot of memory’s back for Barry, Zed and Penny. It didn’t seem like twenty-five years ago, and the statue’s looked like they’d been carved yesterday.
They wandered around, looking at each statue in turn, and making remarks on Justtin’s handiwork.
Justtin caught them up, just as Barry stopped in front of himself.
“ I didn’t really look like that, did I?” Barry asked.
“ Unfortunately, yes,” said Justtin. “ But don’t worry. You got better looking with old age.”
“ Huh, thanks a bunch,” said Barry. “ All those nice things I said about you in the past, and that’s what I get.”
“ I had a feeling you’d bring that up one day,” said Justtin, “ so I’ve made a list of all the nasty things you’ve said about me. Would you like me to start now?”
“ I don’t think that will be necessary,” said Barry. “ Anyway, we’re here to find my dad. Are you sure this is where the last signal came from?”
“ Here we go again,” said Justtin. “ You’re always double checking every thing I say or do. I am far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be, but you still insist on questioning me. I could add that to the list, if you like?”
“ I was only asking,” said Barry.
“ I was only asking,” mimicked Justtin. “ Yes, I am sure this is where the last signal came from. But in saying that, this is still a big place, so in reality he could be anywhere. I suggest we spread out and keep our eyes and ears open.”
“ What about him?” asked Zed, as he pointed to drunken body of Bert, which had fallen off the top of the van.
“ Precisely,” said Justtin. “ What about him?”
“ Well, we can’t just leave him there,” said Zed.
“ Why not?” said Justtin. “ No one’s going to steal him, are they? The fumes coming off of him is more than enough to melt a small planet.”
“ Fair enough,” said Zed.
“ What list?” asked Barry after a moments thought.
“ Shut up, you twat,” said Justtin, “ and start looking for the old man, will you.”
Justtin seemed to have taken charge, and they were all quite happy to let him think that, so they spread out and started to call for dad.
“ I can’t call him dad,” said Penny.
“ Why not?” said Zed.
“ Coz he’s not my dad. Doesn’t he have another name, like John, or Bob, or something?”
“ It’s funny you should ask that,” said Zed, “ coz I ain’t got a clue. You’ll have to ask Barry.”
“ And I thought he was your best friend.”
“ He is,” said Zed, defiantly.
“ So how come, you don’t know his dad’s proper name?”
“ I dunno,” said Zed, as he wracked his brains, trying to remember if he’d ever heard dad being called anything other than dad.
( He smiled to himself, as he remembered one occasion, when mum had a few new names for him. That was the time he came in drunk, after a ‘meeting’ with Bert, and a few of the locals, in the Shakes, one lunchtime.
On dad’s return, Barry and Zed were sent to the boys bedroom, mostly to protect their little ears from the abuse that mum was spitting at Barry’s dad. But they sat at the top of the stairs, holding their sides, and crying with so much laughter.
It was about the same time that Barry got clipped around the ear, for walking around the house and shouting ‘Fucking pisshead’ at the top of his voice.
“ What was that for?” asked Barry.
“ Swearing,” answered mum.
“ But you did,” said Barry.
“ That’s right,” said mum, “ and for a very good reason.”
“ What reason?” asked Barry innocently.
“ Your dad was drunk,” said mum, “ but he won’t be doing it again.”
“ Why?” asked Barry.
“ He’s given it up for lent.”
“ Who’s he leant it to?”
“ Smack,” said the hand to the ear.
“ And that, was for trying to be funny,” said mum.)
“ I really can’t remember dad being called anything else,” Zed said to Penny.
“ Well it just doesn’t seem right,” said Penny.
“ Look,” said Zed, “ at the moment, it doesn’t really matter what we call him. We’ve got to find him, and soon. He could be hurt, unconscious, dying from hypothermia, or worse.”
“ What’s worse than dying?” asked Penny.
“ Bert waking up and farting again,” said Zed. “ Let’s get moving.”
Penny didn’t have to think very hard about what Zed had just said, so she concentrated on her search for Brad. Well, she felt a lot more comfortable calling out Brad, and nobody seemed to notice with all the shouting going on.
It was incredible that they could hear anything at all, with all the din they were making. But of course, Justtin was using his infrared scanner, and eventually, he found what he was looking for.
Life, but only just.
“ I’ve found him,” he said, but nobody heard a thing.
“ I’ve found him,” he said again, but again he got the same response.
Ok, he thought, this calls for some drastic action.
He opened two panels, one on each side of his claret chassis, and two small, but powerful speakers protruded like a pair of big ears. He switched them on.
“ One two, ONE TWO. Are these things on? Testing, testing. Too much bass.”
He made the appropriate adjustments, and tried again.
“ TESTING, ONE TWO. That’s better,” he said. “ I’VE FOUND HIM.”
The others stopped their search, and turned to face Justtin.
“ Sorry,” said Barry. “ Didn’t quite catch you.”
“ I SAID I’VE FOUND, oh, sorry. I said I’ve found him,” said the robot, as no longer needing the speakers, quietly put them back where they came from.
“ Really, where?” asked Barry, excitedly.
Justtin pointed to the door in the opposite wall.
“ I’ve found signs of life in that direction,” he said.
“ So what are we waiting for,” said Barry, as he started to run toward the door.
“ Slowly, Barry. The floor isn’t safe,” said Justtin still scanning.
Barry slowed down, and entered the room. Two seconds later he came out.
“ Going to need some torches,” he said. “ You can’t see a bloody thing in there.”
Barry rushed back to the van to get some torches, and was met by Pug, staring up at his beloved master.
“ Awright goon. Wha’s going on?” said Pug.
“ Who said that?” said Barry, looking around.
“ It was me, you twat,” said Pug, wagging his tail.
Bert began to stir, and Barry naturally assumed it was him that spoke.
“ Oh, hello Bert. Are you with us?” Barry asked.
“ It wasn’t him, you gimp. It was me, Pug. You know, the dog. Your faithful hound.”
“ That’s incredible Bert,” said Barry. “ I never realised you could throw your voice.”
“ I give up,” said Pug.
“ No no,” said Barry. “ Don’t give up. That really is brilliant. You wait until I tell the others.”
“ Whatever,” said Pug.
Bert sat up, and swayed from side to side.
“ Wash happnin?” he asked Barry, in his own slurred voice.
“ You really must show me how you do that,” said Barry. “ That was the best.”
“ Wozzit?” said Bert, not understanding a word Barry was saying. “ Oh, good.”
“ I don’t believe it,” said Pug. “ He’s even accepting the applause.”
Bert took a cigarette out of its box, and put it in his mouth. He patted his pockets, and eventually found his lighter.
Pug watched with interest.
Bert struck his lighter, and a small flame sparked into life. But before Bert could light his cigarette, Pug stood up, took into account the trajectory and distance involved, then cocked his leg.
“ That’ll teach the bastard,” said the dog, as he followed Barry back into the castle.
Barry reached Zed and Penny with the torches and passed them round. He switched his on and entered the room once again. The room was still dark, even with the light from the torch, as Barry swept a beam from one side to the other.
Zed entered behind Barry, and also swept his beam around the room.
“ Oh dear,” he said, as his beam fell on a large hole in the ground.
Barry turned to see what Zed had found, and pointed his beam into the darkness below them.
“ It’s an underground cavern,” said Barry, stating the obvious.
“ No shit,” said Zed. “ And there was me thinking it was just a hole in the ground. What a prat.”
“ Probably a dungeon or something,” said Penny, as she joined the guys.
“ So how are we going to get down there?” asked Barry.
“ I don’t know yet,” said Zed. “ Do we have any rope?”
Barry checked his pockets.
“ Not on me,” he said.
Penny rolled her eyes at Barry’s stupidity, and then added,
“ I’ll check my bag, shall I?”
“ Good idea,” said Barry.
“ For Christ’s sake Barry,” said Zed. “ Will you get a grip. Penny was taking the piss.”
“ Eh?” said Barry, and then he realised what an idiot he’d been.
“ Sorry,” he said.
“ Forget it,” said Zed. “ What we need right now is a way of getting down there. Any ideas?”
“ What about that thing you did with Bert?” said Barry.
“ What thing?” asked Zed.
“ I think he’s talking about levitation,” said Penny.
“ Yeah, that’s the kiddie,” said Barry.
“ I’m not sure it would work over that distance,” said Zed. “ And I wouldn’t be able to do it on myself.”
“ But you could try it on me,” said Barry.
“ Too dangerous,” said Zed. “ If anything goes wrong, we’ll have two of you down there. There must be another way.”
Bert stumbled in the room with a beer in his hand.
“ Wash goin’ on?” he asked.
Barry looked at Zed in the way that suggested ‘ guinea pig’, and Zed got it straight away.
“ Bert, my old mate, me old mucker,” said Zed. “ How would you like to fly?”
“ I dunno,” said Bert. “ How would I like it?”
“ You’d love it,” said Barry.
“ I would?”
“ Sure,” said Zed. “ It’s easy.”
“ I’ll need a few more of theesh,” said Bert. “ I ain’t too keen on flying. Dush courage and all that.”
“ I’ll be right back,” said Barry.
A few minutes later, Barry returned with a carrier bag full of beer cans, and gave them to Bert.
“ Anything else?” Barry asked.
“ I’m running out of fags,” said Bert. “ The dog got the last lot wet.”
“ Really,” said Barry, but not really caring. “ Where is he anyway?”
“ Outside with the tin man,” said Bert. “ They looked like they were havin’ a chat.”
“ Don’t be ridiculous,” said Barry. “ The dog can’t talk.”
“ I was just saying, that’s all,” said Bert, as he opened another can and drained it in one.
Barry pulled Zed to one side.
“ Is he going to be alright?” Barry asked.
“ Yeah, the more he drinks, the better his mind will be to cope with the levitation. You go and get his fags, while me and Penny get him ready. Oh, and if you happen to find any rope, get that as well. Just in case.”
“ Ok,” said Barry, and he left to find Pug.
“ Here it comes,” said Pug, spying Barry coming through the door.
“ Why do you that?” asked Justtin.
“ Do what?” asked Pug.
“ Treat Barry like some kind of idiot,” said Justtin.
“ Coz it’s easy,” said Pug.
“ Oh yes,” said Justtin. “ Silly me.”
“ Come on boy,” said Barry. “ Let’s go for a walk.”
“ Ok,” said Justtin.
“ Not you,” said Barry. “ I meant Pug.”
“ I knew that,” said Justtin.
“ No you didn’t,” said Pug. “ How does it feel to be replaced.”
“ Who’s being replaced,” said Barry.
“ I didn’t say anything,” said Justtin.
“ I’m getting confused,” said Barry. “ I keep hearing voices.”
“ See what I mean?” said Pug.
“ I do indeed,” said Justtin.

***

Aunt B hadn’t felt this good for ages. Hilda had introduced her to some of her friends, which included Mrs. Bottle, the manicurist, and a tall, skinny blonde woman, whose name had escaped B, but she was a very good hairdresser. So with new nails and hair, B and Hilda Turner hit the town.
They started at the Shakes, where B showed Hilda how to drink tequila slammers, and Hilda showed B how to chat up the local men. Of course, Hilda was fairly well known in the market area, so everyone she spoke to was on first name terms.
Hilda had taken a bit of a shine to B, after realising that she might have met her match. Hilda thought it best to keep B as close as she could, just in case B got into the position of being able to oust her. Keeping her friends close, and her enemies even closer, was Hilda’s philosophy.
But as far as B was concerned, Hilda could keep her philosophy. B couldn’t even spell it, let alone think about it.
B was happy. Happier than she’d been in ages. She had new friends, a new wardrobe, courtesy of Oxfam, and not a care in the world.
This was a happy time for B, so why should I spoil it.

***

Barry got back to the castle, an hour later, with more beer, some fags for Bert, a Zippo lighter, and enough rope to tie the whole castle in knots.
“ You took your time,” Justtin said, as Barry went past him.
“ I suppose you were going to send out the search party, were you,” Barry said, trying to be funny.
“ They’ve already been alerted,” said Justtin. “ I’ll have to tell them you’ve turned up now.”
Barry, a bit red faced, said sorry and made his way to where he’d left Zed, Penny and Bert.
Pug sat down next to Justtin.
“ It’s amazing what you hear in these corner shops these days,” said the dog.
“ Meaning?”
“ There was some bloke selling mobile phones. Reckoned he’d been done over by somebody who’d given him false details. Didn’t hear all he was saying, but the bloke he was talking about had the same surname as Barry. Talk about coincidence.”
“ Was that all?” asked Justtin.
“ Not by a long shot,” said Pug. “ There was some farmer there. He was going on about his scarecrow running off, and the weirdest thing of all, was this tramp looking bloke, saying that someone had pinched his friend’s poo. He reckoned the bloke was going to give it to ‘ him with the eyes’, whatever that means.”
“ So, you’ve had a lousy time then?” said Justtin.
“ Yeah. What you been up to?”
“ Listening to Bert getting drunk again,” said Justtin. “ He farted about ten minutes ago, and I could have sworn I heard Penny throw up.”
“ Class,” said Pug. “ I wonder what they’re doing now.”
As Bert sat against the wall, singing at the top of his voice, Zed explained to Barry that he didn’t think the levitation idea was a good one.
“ And now you’ve got rope, this will be the easier option. Nice lighter by the way.”
“ I got it for Bert, but he looks like he couldn’t work it anyway. You have it,” said Barry.
“ Ta,” said Zed. “ Let’s get the rope sorted then, shall we?”
Barry found somewhere to secure the rope, and dropped the end over the edge.
Zed shone his torch into the hole in the ground, to see if he could see the end of the rope, but the chasm was too deep.
“ You first,” he said to Barry.
“ Thanks a bunch,” said Barry.
“ You will need these,” said Penny, producing their old walkie-talkies.
“ Bloody hell,” said Barry. “ Where did you find these?”
“ I always thought these might come in handy. I guess I just put them away until the time is right.”
“ Ta-da,” said Zed, as he produced some walkie-talkies that sat on their heads like headphones.
“ I nicked them from the studio’s,” he said. “ I quite like ‘em, don’t you?”
“ Cool,” said Barry. “ Better check them. Justtin, can you hear me?”
“ Who’s that?” said Justtin.
“ It’s me,” said Barry.
“ No, seriously. Who’s that?”
“ Justtin, its Barry. We’re trying a new system. Just checking that it works.”
“ Of course it works. Just winding you up. Pug said it was easy.”
“ What?”
“ Nothing,” said Justtin. “ So what’s the problem?”
“ We don’t have a problem, yet,” said Barry. “ We are just testing the new system, and in a minute, I will be descending into this deep hole, alone. I just wanted to know that if I fall to my death, at least someone would hear my screams. That’s all.”
“ Have you finished?” asked Justtin.
“ Yes, why?”
“ Coz you didn’t say ‘over’,” said Justtin.
“ I can hear him without the walkie-talkie,” said Pug. “ He whines a lot, don’t he?”
“ Who said that?” said Barry.
“ He’s going to hear you soon,” said Justtin.
“ I’ll deny everything,” said Pug.
Barry slowly edged down the rope, with the torch clenched between his teeth. The lower he went, the darker it got, and the only light he had was the small beam of light that emanated from his mouth.
“ How you doing Barry?” asked Penny.
“ I’m fine… oh shit. I’ve dropped the torch,” he said.
As Barry looked down, he could see the torch resting on the ground, ten feet below him. He finished his descent and picked up his light.
“ Ok, who’s next?” he said over his walkie-talkie.
“ I though I was going to fly?” said Bert. “ I want to fly.”
“ Bert’s next,” said Zed. “ We can’t leave him up here.”
“ Ready when you are,” said Barry.
Zed helped Bert to his feet, and showed the drunk what to do. Bert patted his pockets to make sure he had enough beer, and descended the rope, a lot quicker than he actually wanted. He reached the bottom with a bump, and fell backwards. Barry helped him to his feet and guided Bert to a wall, where Bert slid down and fished a can out of his pocket.
“ I’m running out,” he said. “ Get them to send more.”
“ We’ll see,” said Barry. “ Ok, who’s next?”
“ Is he there already?” asked Zed.
“ Yeah. I think he flew after all,” said Barry.
“ Oh,” said Zed. “ That wasn’t supposed to happen. Oh well, Penny’s on her way.”
“ Ok” said Barry and stared up to where there was a dim light above him. Penny came into view.
“ Geronimo,” she yelled, as she slid down the rope and made a textbook landing.
“ You’ve done this before, haven’t you?” said Barry.
“ Yeah,” she said. “ But the last time was out of a helicopter, for one of Zed’s trick’s. I’d love to know where he gets his idea’s.”
“ Me too sometimes,” said Barry. “ Zed. It’s your turn.”
“ On my way,” said Zed, as he slid over the edge of the hole, and made his way down the rope, to land next to Penny in another perfect landing.
“ Ta-da,” he said.
“ Show off,” said Barry.
“ Right,” said Zed. “ So what have we got?”
“ Lots of dark,” said Barry.
“ You’re so clever,” said Zed. “ I mean, have you had a look around yet?”
“ Not really had time,” said Barry. “ But there’s a door over there.”
They all looked to where Barry pointed his beam.
“ Justtin, can you hear me?” asked Zed.
“ Of course. What do you want?”
“ Constantly interrupting,” said Pug. “ All I wanted was a descent chat.”
“ Dad is not here,” said Zed. “ Are you sure you got a sign of life from down here?”
“ Don’t you start. I get all this negative crap from Barry. I expect better from you.”
“ Er, yeah. Sorry about that,” said Zed. “ He’s definitely down here somewhere, but could you give us a clue. Please.”
“ You have entered into the castle dungeon area,” said Justtin.
“ They should lock Barry up, and chuck away the key,” said Pug.
“ And,” Justtin continued, “ in front of you is a door. Dad is the other side.”
They took a closer look at the door and realised it was sealed. So how did dad get the other side of it? Easy. He fell through a different hole.
“ All we need then is a plan,” said Barry.
“ And I have just thing,” said Zed.
“ Is this likely to hurt me?” asked Barry.
“ Not you, no,” said Zed, “ but we are going to have to blow that door up. Do you have any dynamite.”
Barry patted his pockets.
“ Oh, forget it,” said Zed. “ Bert, you’re gonna have to come with me to make this work.”
“ Wash in it f’me?” slurred Bert.
Zed patted his pockets, and found nothing.
“ Barry, give him another beer,” he said.
“ What only one,” said Barry. “ If he don’t drink them, they’ll go to waste.”
“ Thash good ‘nuff f’me,” said Bert, not having the faintest idea of what he was getting himself into.
He took the can of beer from Barry’s hand, took one long swig and downed the lot.
“ Fanksh,” he said.
“ No problem,” said Barry, staggering back from Bert’s fumes.
“ Shaddy bone,” sang Bert, in fine pub singer tradition
“ So what now?” asked Barry, who was getting a little bit anxious.
“ We have to blow the door off,” said Zed. “ And seeing as we don’t have any explosives, I can only think of one other way.”
Barry had heard the first word, and just needed clarification.
“ What we?” he asked, even more anxious.
“ Not you, numb nuts,” said Zed. “ You have to stay here to get your dad, once I’ve done my bit, of course.”
“ But I don’t understand,” said Barry. “ Where does Bert come into this?”
“ You’ll see,” said Zed, putting on his ‘magnificent’ façade. “ I am about to perform the greatest trick this world has ever seen.”
“ What trick?” asked Penny.
“ You’ll see,” said Zed.
“ Not more bloody tricks,” said Barry. “ And no camera’s as well. I thought we were trying to help my dad.”
Zed could sense the agitation in Barry’s voice. He was clever like that.
“ That’s exactly what we are doing,” said Zed. “ Give me a hand with him.”
Between them, they guided Bert toward the door and propped him against the frame.
“ I love you guysh,” Bert fumed.
“ Ta very much,” said Zed.
“ Nah, really,” said Bert. “ I’d just like to shay, you’re my bestest friendsh in the whole world.”
“ Lovely,” said Zed.
“ Now what?” asked Barry.
“ Take Penny and get well back, and just pray this works,” said Zed, with an air of command.
“ Eh?”
“ Just do as I say, please,” said Zed.
“ What? Now?” asked Barry.
“ GO,” yelled Zed with a bigger air of command.
Still confused, Barry did as he was told. He grabbed Penny and ran to find somewhere to hide.
“ What’s he up to?” Penny asked.
“ I have absolutely no idea,” Barry replied.
Then it hit him.
Barry suddenly realised what was about to happen.
Zed was going to cause a spark, at the same time as Bert did one of his huge farts, and with all the fumes in the air, there should be enough to blow the doors off it’s hinges.
A brilliant plan, and Barry wanted to say so. But as he stood up from behind his hiding place to tell Zed just that, he watched Zed punch Bert, very hard in the stomach, with his right fist. In Zed’s left hand was his Zippo lighter, doing what a Zippo is very good at doing. It was alight.
There was an almighty explosion, in which the door, its frame and six feet of surrounding wall, had all been blown to pieces.
When the dust finally settled, Barry struggled to his feet, and looked around for Zed and Bert.
“ Zed,” he called. “ Where are you?”
“ Zed honey, are you ok?” called Penny.
“ Come on big fella,” said Barry. “ Where are you?”
“ Over here,” came the reply.
“ That was a fantastic trick,” said Barry.
“ With one minor flaw,” said Penny.
“ Which is what, exactly?” came the weak reply.
“ You can only do it the once,” said Barry.
“ Oh yeah!” said the ghost of Zed.
“ Bastard,” said the ghost of Bert. “ Bastard, bastard, bastard.”
Barry suddenly felt very alone, but he couldn’t blame anyone. It wasn’t his idea to blow up the door. He couldn’t blame Zed either, or Bert for that matter. They had helped him get this far.
Life’s a bitch, and then you get over it.
“ I’ll get over it,” sighed Barry.
He knew he had to do something, but he wasn’t sure what. He had just witnessed the full horror of his best friend committing hara-kiri, just to help him find his dad. And his dad still had to be found. He was somewhere beyond the rubble that had been left by the explosion.
Barry needed a plan, but that was usually Zed’s department.
What was Barry going to do?
“ I’ve got a plan,” said Zed.
“ B-b-b-but you’re dead,” stuttered Barry.
“ Ok,” sulked Bert. “ Don’t rub it in.”
“ No, really. I have,” said Zed, insistent.
“ Go on then, I’m listening,” said Barry, who was going to say ‘ I’m all ears’, but didn’t think it appropriate, or fair.
“ Where’s Justtin?” asked Zed.
“ Still on the surface,” replied Barry. “ Why?”
“ Can he still hear you?” asked Zed.
“ I think so,” said Barry.
He switched on his headset and spoke.
“ Justin, can you still hear me?”
“ No,” said Justtin in Barry’s earpiece.
“ He says no,” Barry forwarded to Zed.
“ Good,” said Zed. “ Ask him if he can get down here.”
“ I heard that, and the answer is still no,” said Justtin. “ What am I supposed to do, fly?”
“ Charming,” said the ghost of Zed.
“ That piece of metallic crap is going to be dismantled when I get out of here. I’ll make one that can fly,” said Barry, angrily.
“ Fantastic,” said Justtin. “ My life is now complete. First, we have a piss-taking dog, and now we have abuse from you. Is there no end to this chapter? All I wanted was a quiet, simple life. No complications. No stairs. No flying. A nice little ramp would have been…”
He paused, for effect you understand.
“ Oh bollocks!” he muttered.
While looking around, he spied a huge ramp. He must have completely missed it before, but sure enough, there was a long ramp, down one side of the building leading down to the level to where Barry, Penny and a couple of ghosts, were waiting for him.
“ Oh, you’ve seen it then,” said Pug.
“ Yes,” said Justtin, “ but if you knew about it, then how come I couldn’t read your thoughts?”
“ Clever that, isn’t it?” said the dog. “ I’ve found a way of blocking my thoughts.”
“ Really?” said Justtin. “ How?”
“ Easy,” said Pug. “ I just concentrated on a colour.”
“ Really,” said Justtin, impressed.
“ Yep,” said Pug. “ In this case it was two dimensional black.”
Pug didn’t move quickly enough, as Justtin flicked his ear.
“ I’ll be down soon,” Justtin said to Barry. “ Tell me what to do when I get there.”
“ Ok,” said Barry, then to Zed he said, “ What’s the plan?”
“ I have no idea,” said Zed. “ But at least you won’t have to move the rubble on your own.”
“ Nice,” said Barry. “ Well, you’ll have to come up with something soon. Justtin has entered the building. God help us all.”
“ We’re beyond help,” moaned Bert, who had just spent the last few minutes, floating over his remains, or the remains of his remains.
“ Bastard,” he said again.

***

If you were wondering about the band, then don’t worry. They had already spent Barry’s money, and at this moment in time, were happily sleeping it off.
B, in the meantime, had found herself a man, and was happily sleeping it off.

***

“ I can’t see a thing,” said Pug. “ Switch your lights on, Jus.”
There was a small click, and two beams of light shone down, one from each side of Justtin’s head.
“ Any better?” asked Justtin.
“ Not really,” said Pug. “ All I can see is well lit nothing. Ah, hang on. Yes, it’s clearing.”
The dust was settling nicely, but then, it didn’t want to be moved in the first place.
“ Take care down this bit,” Pug told Justtin. “ Don’t want you falling over or anything, do we? It would be a right bastard if I had to stand you back up on my own.”
“ Perish the thought,” said Justtin, not finding Pug’s humour appealing. “ I wonder what sort of plan Zed is hatching.”
“ I suppose it depends on how much further away Barry’s dad is. Do you have your drill attachment?”
“ Of course,” said Justtin. “ I carry all attachments at all times, which can be a pain in the arse, whatever that feels like.”
That was more of an answer than Pug actually wanted, but he got it anyway.
“ You’ll probably need that,” said Pug.
“ No shit,” said Justtin.
“ Justtin?” came Barry’s voice.
“ What?” went Justtin’s reply.
“ I was just wondering if you have your drill attachment?” asked Barry.
“ You shouldn’t have said that,” Pug said to Barry, but Barry never heard him.
“ Shut up you,” Justtin said to the dog, then answered the question. “ Yes, of course. I carry all attachments at all times.”
“ Ok,” said Barry. “ Just checking. We’ll probably need that.”
“ Can’t wait,” said Justtin.

A beer and fag moment

I'm sitting here contemplating the every day stuff I have to go through, and I wonder why, or who, or what, or where? Why do we have to get up when we do? Why do we do the job we do? Why do we do anything at all? Why do people rush from A to B? Why do birds sing? Who called day, day? Or night, night? Who said that kid's have to go to school? Who decided that we have to pay taxes against our wishes? And why does it rain in some Countries, but not in others? Where is Heaven? What are the stars made of? Are we there yet? Who will win the World Cup? Will Rooney be Captain? Is Lost based on a true story? So many questions. And far too many to answer. But my favourite has to be, Why does my bum itch when I sweat?

Justtin

Chapter seven

Not the road to Cairo either


On giving the castle a visual once over, dad thought it would be best to try and find himself a bit more shelter than he’d had the night before. He’d woken up with a stiff neck, due to the lump of concrete he’d made his pillow. And staring up at the statues hadn’t helped.
He picked up his belongings, and packed them all into a carrier bag, then carefully replaced the concrete lump to its original place, leaving no trace of his intrusion.
He made his way gingerly through the statues, to an open space on the far side of the courtyard. Checking his footsteps on the uneven ground, he approached a tall wall, with a large brick door, which he entered.
Inside was a large dark room with very little to focus on. He edged his way in, very slowly, as not to lose his footing, and stayed close to the cold, damp wall.
This feels safe enough, he thought, as he edged away from the wall and moved closer to the centre of the room.
Inch by inch, dad used his feet to feel his way around, as he kicked large rocks that wouldn’t move, and smaller ones that did.
I wish I had a torch, he thought, as he moved further and further into the room.
Then suddenly, he wasn’t moving forward anymore.
He was moving down, and there was nothing there to stop him.
Nothing to put his feet against, nothing to grab with his hands. He was in freefall, and before he finally hit something, which really, really hurt, he wondered if he was ever going to get out, ever again. He never had time to think of an answer.
He was unconscious.

***

While they waited for the others to join them, the band had gathered in the bar of the Shakes, along with Pat, their faithful road manager and general skivvy, to discuss what they had been doing over the last few days.
They were also discussing what a good manager Barry was, having got the a gig on a boat, and supplying Mick with his favourite sticks, and solving their sleeping problem, which Pat believed was his fault, for not changing the batteries often enough.
But at the back of Pat’s mind, he couldn’t help but feel that Barry was up to something.
He was conning de band, he thought, in Irish. Oi’ll catch him and make him look loike de eedjit dat he is.
The conversation, and beer, was flowing nicely, when Barry, Zed, Penny, Justtin and Pug, joined them.
“ What’s it gonna be?” asked Ade, offering them all a drink.
“ Make mine a large one,” said Pug.
“ No problem,” said Justtin, inside Pug’s head. “ All I have to do is insert a straw in your arse, and blow hard, and…”
“ Never mind,” said Pug, who curled up and tried to go to sleep, with a vision in his head that wouldn’t allow him to.
A large round of drinks was had by all, and on being presented with the bill, Ade pulled Barry to one side.
“ I ain’t got any cash,” said Ade. “ You’re the manager. You sort it out, and I’ll pay you back.”
“ That would be my pleasure,” said Barry. “ My interest rates are very reasonable. And seeing as I’m paying for the fuel, hotels, and everything else, it’s all tax deductible, so I’m quid’s in.”
“ Huh!” huffed Pat.
“ Hotels?” asked Ade.
“ Well, in your case, it’s a B&B, and you’ll have to stay there until we’ve got everything sorted out. But yes, we are going to a hotel.”
“ We are going to a hotel,” mimicked Pat. “ A loikely story.”
Ade spread the word, and there was much rejoicing.
More beer was had, and there was even more rejoicing.
Barry, Zed, Justtin and Penny were pleased to be going back to Scotland, and the rejoicing started to get a bit silly.
Pat wasn’t rejoicing.
Pat was quietly seething.
He had a problem with Barry, and he was convinced that the ginger top was up to no good. Oi’ll catch him out, Pat thought. Oi’ll get him. Blaming me for de band being out of tune, de bastard. Oi’ll get him good.
Zed, being the smart arse that he was (is?), could sniff trouble at over a hundred paces. Elephant paces. And Pat rhymed with rat.
He tried to like Pat.
Zed tried to like all of Barry’s new friends, but there was something about Pat that was causing him a few sleepless nights.
Then, a chat with Penny got Zed thinking.
She’d reminded him of a certain heckler, he’d once encountered. It wasn’t Pat, but Zed didn’t know that. As far as he was concerned, it bloody looked like him.
So Zed decided to take the matter into his own hands.
And what hands.
These hands did magic. These hands had made him his fortune and fame. And these hands would always come in handy, if you catch my meaning. Picking up cups, picking his nose, scratching his nuts, even holding a phone, Zed’s hands were his living. And he would have given his right arm for another one of the same.
Zed decided, he was going to do his bestest friend, Barry, a huge favour, and leave the Irishman behind.
He’s got to go to the toilet, sooner or later, thought Zed.
And sooner or later, the big Irishman did.
Zed watched him get up from his chair, and without making it too obvious, he slowly rose from his own chair, and followed Pat to the toilet.
Time for some real magic, thought Zed.
As he entered the toilet, Pat had his back to him.
This is going to be easier than I thought, Zed thought, rubbing his hands.
“ Hello,” said Zed, “ remember me.”
“ Oi don’t tink so,” said Pat, as he started to shake, before he’d finished.
“ Sorry,” said Zed. “ Let me try this. We know each other, ok? I bet your favourite colour is green.”
“ Oi’m Irish,” said Pat, “ what d’you expect? And no, we don’t know each’udder.”
“ Mistaken identity then, but let me ask you this,” sad Zed. “ You don’t like Barry Trotter very much, do you?”
“ Oi believe dat’s moy business,” said Pat.
“ Fair enough,” said Zed. “ Not a great fan myself. Just something about him.”
“ Oi hear dat,” said Pat.
Got him, thought Zed. All I’ve got to do now is real him in.
“ Yeah, he’s a bit weird, isn’t he.”
“ Ah, you’d be roight dere,” said Pat. “ Oi just wish he’d go back t’ where he came from. You know. Loike, disappear.”
“ Well, if it’s disappearance you want,” said Zed, rubbing his hands, “ You’ve come to the right place.”
“ What, de toilet?”
“ No, never mind that,” said Zed. “ Just stand there and close your eyes.”
“ What? You havin’ a feckin’ laugh,” said Pat. “ I got stung loike dat before.”
“ Look, you want Barry out of your life, right,” said Zed.
“ Well, yeah,” said Pat.
“ Then trust me. Put your hands over your eyes. Quickly now, I ain’t got all day. And keep them shut. If your eyes open, then all this will be for nothing.”
Pat reluctantly closed his eyes, and hoped that he would leave this toilet, into a world that didn’t have Barry, bloody Trotter.
As Zed rubbed his hands together, Pat could feel the heat in the small room. Then Pat experienced the feeling of getting smaller, but didn’t dare to open his eyes.
Then, as quick as a flash, Pat had a feeling of falling through space, and decided that now, was as good a time as any, to open his eyes.
He tried, but he couldn’t.
Maybe his eyes were open, but somebody had turned the light out. He tried to raise his hands, to wave them in front of his eyes. But he couldn’t do that either. He couldn’t feel anything on his face. He couldn’t feel anything at all.
He was becoming scared and wanted to yell. He tried that too, but nothing happened.
Water. He could sense water. It was getting closer. What the feck is going on, he thought, before he finally realised that the falling had stopped. He could imagine lots of white, surrounding him. Pat still couldn’t open his eyes, and was beginning to wonder what he’d let himself in for. He felt a lot taller, but at the same time, a hell of a lot thinner.
And none of his senses worked.
Nothing.
His brain remained in tack, but the rest of him was useless.
He could sense white surroundings, lots of it. And water, there was water, close by.
He wanted the water to wash his eyes.
He was closer than he imagined.
Only a few minutes had passed, when Barry said it was time to go.
Penny looked at the Gent’s toilet door, just in time to see it open, and Zed emerged, on his own.
As everybody gathered their belongings and made their way to the door, Ade asked if any body had seen Pat.
“ He’s not gonna make it,” said Zed.
“ Why not?” asked Barry, a bit surprised.
“ Just said he had to go,” was all that Zed was offering.
“ Oh well,” said Ade. “ He’ll catch us up. He usually does.”
“ Does he do this often?” asked Barry.
“ All the time,” responded Ade, as he went to join the others.
Zed sniggered, but Barry was already half way out of the door to notice.
These hands, Zed thought. Pure genius.
He thought back to the pubic hair he’d left on the inside of the toilet bowl, and thought, sooner or later, somebody is really going to piss him off.

***

Aunt B had done her best to chat up the desk Sergeant, but was told he was a happily married man, and two bits on the side would be a real financial strain. She made a mental note to get that selfish bastard next.
Aunt B had only been in the cell for an hour, and had resigned herself to the fact that she was going to spend the rest of her life behind bars, when suddenly the cell door opened, and a young officer came in and told her that all charges had been dropped.
“ Why?” she asked.
“ What you asking me for?” said the rookie. “ I’m new, and I’m just doing my job.”
She’d enjoyed her brief spell in the cell, and seriously considered hitting the new recruit over the head with something heavy, just so she could stay there. But the heaviest thing in the cell was the light bulb, and she couldn’t even reach that, so she collected her belongings, and left the Police station almost as quickly as she had arrived.
“ Hello deary,” said Hilda, who’d been waiting for her. “ You don’t want to be seen hanging around places like that. You’d be much better off staying at home, know what I mean?”
“ I can’t believe you did that,” said B.
“ Did what exactly?”
“ Put me in there,” said B.
“ Got you out again, didn’t I? There’s a lot you don’t know about me, or this area,” said Hilda.
As they walked through the market, toward Barry’s flat, Hilda explained that the market was run by people who had looked after their own for years, and seeing as B was a newcomer, she was easy meat.
“ What do you mean, easy meat?” asked B.
“ You have spent the last eleven days following me around. Am I right?” asked Hilda.
“ Well, yeah. And?” said B, trying to be defensive.
“ These people in the market have known me for many years, and when somebody turns up, and starts to follow me around, do you really think they won’t notice?”
“ Not really thought about it,” said B.
“ That’s right,” said Hilda. “ You haven’t. This is my manor. I run this manor. And you have to stay out of the way. Do you understand?”
“ Not really deary,” said B, trying very hard to comprehend what she was being told.
“ Look, it’s very simple,” said Hilda. “ This is my turf. I don’t know where you’re from, but if you go back there, I don’t have a problem. But if you stay, then you abide by the rules, capiche?”
B thought as fast as she could, but not very clearly.
“ Yeah, whatever,” she said.
“ There’s a good girl,” said Hilda. “ Now, if you want anything, you know, anything, here’s my number. All you’ve got to do is call.”
“ Like what?” asked B, innocently.
“ Anything at all,” said Hilda. “ Just ask.”
“ I quite like the desk Sergeant,” said B, licking her lips.
“ Sorry, he’s spoken for,” said Hilda, licking her own.

***

The van trundled nicely up the motorway, with its crew of band members, manager, magician and sidekick, a seven-foot high robot, a dog, and a sleeping brewery.
But how did Bert get there? I shall explain.
It was earlier that day, that Pat parked the van at the back of the pub, and got out to check the tyres had enough air in them. Once satisfied, he went into the pub to find the rest of the band. As Pat went through the back door, he passed an old man in the corridor, by the Gents toilet door, who was obviously a little worse for wear.
“ Are you alroight?” the Irishman asked.
“ Blish miggosh,” said the old man in his best English.
“ Please yourself,” said Pat, who carried on with what he was doing.
That was our Bert, heading in the opposite direction, which is the route he had to take to get to his flat, above the pub.
Now, for as far as Bert could remember, he hadn’t been sober for many moons, so he couldn’t remember much at all. He knew his flat was in this direction, somewhere, but exactly where, was anybody’s guess.
As Bert stumbled through the door into the outside world, he took a deep breath of fresh air, and instantly sat down, so his body could get the full benefit. As his eyes began to focus, in front of him was a huge white door.
I don’t remember getting up the stairs, he thought, as he fumbled in his pockets for his front door key. He found his key and tried to insert it in the lock, but to his amazement, it didn’t fit.
Somebody must have changed the locks, he thought.
He gave the door another go, but again, nothing happened.
So then he tried the handle, and the door clicked open.
What a silly arse, he thought. I must have left it open, all the time.
He opened the door wide enough to get inside, but couldn’t remember the high step being there.
Bert crawled inside the van, and closed the door behind him.
Somebody’s stolen my sofa, he thought. Serves me right for leaving the door unlocked. And with that, he curled up in a corner, pulled a blanket over his head, and fell into a deep, deep sleep.
The band didn’t notice anything unusual when they all piled into the back of the van. They were all too busy with their bags of beer, which Jeff the landlord had let them have for more than the normal price•.
The blanket on the van floor was always being moved to accommodate the band themselves, and their equipment, so seeing it crumpled up in the corner came as no surprise.
With Zed at the wheel, and Barry navigating, they set off toward Scotland, once again.
It was more than two hours into the journey, before anyone realised they had a stowaway. It was the smell of warm Brussels sprouts that gave Bert away.
“ Open a window,” Ade said to Barry, with a large amount of ‘hurry up’ attached to it. “ Somebody’s farted back here, and it stinks.”
Barry obliged, and opened the window as far as it would go.
Mick, the drummer man, said he felt like throwing up, as he started to gag on the fumes.
Even Pug told Justtin, that that was the worst thing he’d ever smelt, and he’d been near enough to other dog’s bottom’s to know.
As luck would have it , they approached a service station, and Barry decided that they could all do with a breather, being the clever band manager and everything, so he told Zed to do the best thing, and pull in.
“ Stroke of genius,” said Ade.
“ Watch it buster,” said Justtin, protecting Barry, “ or I’ll give you a really nasty pinch.”
“ You don’t have many friends, do you?” said Pug.
“ Actually, I prefer to have more enemies than friends,” said Justtin. “ It helps to keep my mind occupied, while the rest of this body does the more mundane things.”
“ Such as?” asked Pug.
“ Navigating this van, for starters.”
“ I thought grumpy nuts was navigating,” said Pug, who had thought that, along with the rest of us.
“ Are you serious?” said Justtin. “ If it wasn’t for me, we’d be south of the Thames by now. Barry doesn’t know the way around his own flat, without the aid of an atlas.”
“ So, what else are you doing?” asked the dog.
“ Listening to the van complaining about the smell,” said Justtin. “ We machines have feelings too, you know.”
“ Can you smell it then?” Pug asked.
“ Fortunately, no,” said Justtin. “ I have the ability to switch off my nasal sensors. It’s a fault in the human make up. If they could do the same, we wouldn’t be stopping now.”
The van slowed to a stop, in the car park of Watford Gap service station.
“ Why’s it called Watford Gap?” asked Pug.
“ Have you ever seen Watford?” Justtin answered.
“ No, why?”
“ It should have stayed a gap.”•
“ Oh,” said Pug.
The rear doors of the van flew open, and Mick stumbled out with a hand to his mouth, quickly followed by Ade, whose hand it was.
The rest of the troupe followed suit, and soon only Bert was left to fester in his own stench.
“ Jesus Christ,” said Ade. “ What’s he eaten?”
“ You know,” said Barry, “ I don’t think I’ve ever seen Bert eat.”
He looked at Zed for reassurance. Zed nodded.
“ Spot on, mate,” said Zed. “ I’ve certainly never seen him eat.”
“ So what the hell is that smell?” asked Ade.
“ That my friend,” said Justtin, “ is alcohol-fuelled methane. Highly explosive. The worst kind. So I would suggest, that until Bert gets rid of this little problem, nobody lights a match. In fact, don’t even think about it.”
“ How’s he supposed to get rid of his ‘ little problem’?” asked Barry.
“ Let nature takes its course,” suggested Justtin.
“ But that could take ages,” said Barry. “ And in the mean time, if he goes bang, we could all go with him.”
“ We’ll have to get him out of the van,” said Ade. “ He’ll rot it from the inside.”
“ We’ll have to be very careful about moving him,” said Justtin. “ One slight jolt, and its goodnight paella.”
“ Vienna,” Barry corrected him.
“ Sorry,” said Justtin.
“ I have a plan,” said Zed.
“ Go on then,” said Barry.
“ Levitation,” said Zed.
“ Levitation?” said Ade. “ What’s that?”
“ It’s something that I specialised in during my last series,” said Zed. “ If you all stand back. That’s it, give me some room.”
The other’s all stood back, making a small circle around the rear of the van, and Zed started to rub his hands.
He closed his eyes and raised his arms toward the back of the van, and quietly started to mutter something.
Only Pug and Justtin could hear what Zed was saying.
“ What’s all that bollocks he’s talking now then?” asked Pug.
“ I think its Urdu,” said Justtin. “ But don’t quote me on it.”
“ What’s an Urdu?” asked Pug.
“ Same as a dukdu,” said Justtin.
“ Which is what?”
“ Sorry?” said Justtin.
“ What’s a dukdu?” asked Pug.
“ Quack quack,” said Justtin. “ Her her.”
“ Ha bloody ha,” said Pug.
Justtin was still laughing to himself, while the others watched Bert floating out of the van.
A small gap appeared at the side of the group, and Bert slowly descended into it. Then, just as gently as he had been raised, Bert was laid at the side of the van, still fast asleep.
“ That was brilliant,” said Ade, patting Zed on the back. “ When we become rich and famous, you can come and open for us.”
“ Can’t wait,” said the magician.
“ Now what do we do?” asked Barry.
“ Wait until he sobers up a bit, I suppose,” said Justtin.
“ We can’t have him back in the van, smelling like that,” said Ade.
“ He’s right,” said Mick. “ There’s only one thing that smells worse than that, and that’s puke. And if he farts like that again, then believe me, I will throw up.”
“ Is it ok if we leave him on the outside of the van?” asked Barry.
“ Yeah, why?” asked Ade.
“ Justtin. Tie Bert to the roof rack.”
“ That would be my pleasure,” said Justtin. “ When I think it’s safe to do so.”
“ You the man,” said Barry.
“ You the tin man,” said Ade.
“ You the dustbin man,” said Pug.

***

The last thing Pat can honestly say he remembered, was a sense of being rained on. But now, as he finally opened his eyes, he found himself floating down a sewer pipe, with a bright light coming toward him.
“ What now,” he said to himself, as he popped out of the pipe, and into the Thames, surrounded by poo.

***

Several hours later, with Bert lashed to the roof of the van, the group headed yet again for the Scottish Border. As night fell, they all decided it was only fair that Bert be allowed back in the vehicle, on the condition that he didn’t fart.
Bert said he couldn’t make any promises, so he stayed on the roof until the next morning. Thankfully it had only rained heavily for a couple of hours, and Bert said he felt like a new man. He just hadn’t decided which one.
They were getting close to their destination now, and Barry had some quick thinking to do. He’d already phoned ahead and booked some rooms at a hotel in Newcastle, and thought that it would be best to head there first. Zed and Penny agreed, so that’s what they did.
On arriving at the hotel, Barry asked the others to wait in the van while he went to reception, and made some enquiries about local B & B’s. He hastily made some phone calls, got the directions he needed, and went back to the van.
“ We’ve got to go to Jesmond,” he said. “ It’s about ten miles from here.”
“ Why Jesmond?” asked Zed.
“ I had a quick look at the map,” said Barry. “ It’s on the way.”
“ But I thought we needed to get to Berwick Upon Tweed?” said Zed. “ That’s in the other direction.”
“ I know what I’m doing,” said Barry. “ Trust me.”
“ If you say so,” said Zed, while he listened to Barry’s directions out of Newcastle, as they headed slightly north and left a bit.
Twenty minutes later, they entered the outskirts of Jesmond.
“ We’re looking for the High Street,” said Barry.
“ We’re probably in it,” said Zed.
“ We are,” said Justtin. “ And the bed and breakfast you’re looking for is…there.”
Zed applied the brake and the van stopped.
“ Here we go boys,” said Barry. “ This will be home for a few days, while we get this gig sorted out.”
“ Cool,” said Ade. “ It’s got a bar, and everything.”
“ Nothing but the best for my boys,” said Barry.
The band members got out of their van, and took their belongings to the B & B, where Barry was waiting to check them in. He made sure they were settled in their rooms, and explained to them, that they should stay put until the gig details were sorted out.
“ Can’t have you running off all over the place,” said Barry. “ Just in case the call comes.”
The band all agreed that this was a good idea, and promised to stay in the bar. No matter what.
Barry gave Ade £200 out of his wallet.
“ I want receipts for everything,” said Barry.
“ Ok,” said Ade. “ What do we do about food?”
“ I think they invented curry around here somewhere,” said Barry, “ so I don’t think that will be a problem, do you?”
“ I s’pose not,” said Ade.
“ Right, well if that’s everything, we’ll be off,” said Barry. “ I’ll call you later. As soon as I know anything, ok?”
“ Ok,” said Ade, “ See you later.”
Barry jumped back in the van, and with Zed, Penny, Justtin, Pug, and Bert still strapped to the roof rack, they left Jesmond, and headed for a derelict castle, somewhere near Scotland.

Justtin

Chapter six

Zed’s plan.

Later that night, after being asked to leave the pub by Jeff, for harassing Hannah, Barry staggered back to the flat, with Zed and Pug in tow.
Neither of them could say exactly how much they’d had to drink, but they both agreed it was in double figures, and Barry was convinced the number started with three.
It’s funny how drink effects the way you walk. All you want to do is go forward. No says the drink. I want to go left and right first. And even though you paid for the stuff, you always let it get it’s own way. ( Drink 1, You 0 ).
Zed wanted a kebab, like you do.
Zed had a kebab, like you do.
Zed threw up, like you do, but he said he felt much better afterwards.
They finally reached Barry’s flat, after bouncing between cars and hedges for most of the walk, and slowly made their way up the stairs, trying desperately not to disturb Justtin, who rested downstairs, due to his stair phobia.
“ Awright tosser?” said Pug, but got no response.
Must be switched off, thought Pug. Sounds good to me, he thought again, as he reached the top of the stairs.
Finally, the pair collapsed on the sofa, and Zed started to contemplate their next move.
Preferably one that wasn’t doing it on it’s own, as the room started to spin. Zed wanted to throw up, again, so decided to take his mind off it, by devising
a plan.
They had to get to Scotland, and quick.
Barry had explained what Penny had told him about the van, and as with most things, Zed just shrugged his shoulders, and got over it.
Zed sat and thought about what they should do, as his head swam, and slowly but surely, something started to gel.
“ That’s it!” said Zed loudly enough to make Pug, who had fallen asleep on his feet, fall over.
“ What’s it?” said Barry through a self induced fuzz.
“ We’ll nick a car,” said Zed, triumphantly.
“ Are you having a laugh?” asked Barry.
“ Why? Would it help?” said Zed. “ No, seriously. We’ve got to get to Scotland, right?”
“ Right,” Barry agreed.
“ And it’s too far to walk, right?”
“ Right again,” Barry agreed again.
“ So, we nick a car, right?”
“ Wrong,” said Barry. “ It’s not right. Can’t we borrow one? What about Jeff, or Hannah, the barmaid. She’s got a fantastic set of wheels.”
“ Very nice,” Zed agreed. “ But we can’t borrow Jeff’s. It’s being repaired. And we can’t borrow Hannah’s, because they haven’t fished it out of the river yet.”
“ What’s it doing in there?” enquired Barry.
“ No idea,” said Zed, “ but eyewitnesses claim it was being chased by a seven foot robot with an erection, pulling a dog on a leash.”
“ Oh shit,” said Barry as he remembered the previous night, when Justtin had turned up looking sheepish, and Pug was so worn out, he’d fallen asleep under his barstool, and stayed there, much to the annoyance of Jeff, the landlord. He was losing customers on that side of the bar, mainly because they couldn’t tell what it was.
Of course, Zed remembered Justtin and Pug returning to the pub, but what they had been up to, was no business of his.
“ So pinching one is the only option left,” Zed continued.
“ Well, I don’t like it,” stated Barry, who got up to walk away.
“ Look, we’ll take one from the car park,” said Zed. “ It’s nice and quiet, and no one will know.”
“ Of course they’ll know,” said Barry. “ It won’t be there when they go to get it, will it?”
“ Ok. We’ll borrow one and forget to bring it back.”
“ I’m still not convinced,” said Barry, not convinced.
“ Look, by the time anyone notices, we’ll be long gone,” said Zed.
“ It’s not right,” said Barry. “ It’s like, you know, stealing.”
“ It’s not like stealing, you dope. It is stealing.”
“ Oh, great. I’m so glad you cleared that up,” said Barry. “ Anyway, we’re forgetting that we need something big enough to take Justtin.”
“ What about a bus then?”
“ Can you drive a bus?” asked Barry.
“ I dunno. I never tried,” said Zed.
“ Anyway, we can’t do anything tonight,” said Barry.
“ Why not?” asked Zed.
“ Coz, we’ve had too much to drink.”
“ Rubbish!” exclaimed Zed.
“ You’re not seriously considering driving to Scotland in that state are you?” asked Barry, getting nervous.
“ No, I mean you can never have too much to drink,” mused Zed.
“ Good point. Brandy?” asked Barry.
“ Super,” said Zed.
“ Tomorrow then,” said Barry.
“ Ok,” said Zed, just before he passed out.

***

Dad followed the coast for as far as he could, before he was driven inland, due to rocks and a high cliff face.
Still travelling by field and forest, he made very little contact with man, or mechanical beast. Just the way he liked it.
The evening was drawing in, once again, and dad thought that now was a good a time as any to find himself some shelter for the night.
He surveyed his surroundings, but didn’t see anything that offered much in the shelter department, so he carried on walking, and just hoped that something would come his way. Well, everything else had gone ok so far, so why not now. Is it because I haven’t thought of it yet, or was it something completely different?
Ok, let’s try this.
The further inland dad went, the darker it was getting, and the darker it got, the more shadows were being thrown at him. In the distance, one shadow in particular, seemed larger than the others, so dad decided to investigate.
As he neared the aforementioned shadow, the more he realised he was looking at remains of an old, disused castle. Perfect, he thought. Somewhere to get my head down.
He reached the outer wall, and knew that he would have to find a way in, so he turned to his left and followed the wall.
This was a good choice.
If he’d turned right, he would have ended up in the same river that swept him out to sea. But I’ve decided not to mention it to him. He’s got enough problems.
Dad kept the wall to his right, and could feel himself walking down a small slope. Soon he came to a break in the brickwork, which presented him with a choice. He could either carry on following the wall, or climb the brickwork and get into the castle a little bit quicker.
Dad decided that the whole idea of coming to the castle in the first place, was to get some shelter, so he climbed the brickwork. On reaching the top, he stared down into a deep abyss of darkness.
He wondered if he had made the right decision, but it was getting darker, and now was not the time to start back tracking, so slowly and carefully, he made his way down into the dark.
The lower he went, the more his eyes adjusted to the light, and before long, he could make out the shapes of towers and columns in front of him. He edged forward, and feeling tired from his afternoon’s trek, he sat next to one of the columns and waited for his eyes to take in more light, and as they did, he started to make out some statues.
He walked to the nearest one to take a closer look, but in the dark, he could only make out a basic shape, so rather than waste time, he decided to go back to where he’d left his belongings, make himself comfortable, and have a better look around in the morning.

***

“ ‘Ere, tosser,” said Pug.
“ That is so unfair,” said Justtin, stirring from what can only be described as sleeping. “ I had images in my head. I could see things. Movement. And I could hear people talking.”
“ Ah,” said Pug. “ They’re called dreams, they are. I get them. Only mine are usually about fleas. Big ones. The scratching always wakes me up.”
“ The only thing waking me up was you,” said Justtin. “ That’s if I was actually asleep, that is.”
“ Well, you looked like it to me,” said Pug.
“ And you woke me up,” said Justtin. “ Bloody typical. The only time I can honestly say I was asleep, and you woke me up. I hope it was important.”
“ Depends,” said Pug. “ We’re going to somewhere called Scotland. Pretty exciting stuff, eh?”
“ Been there, done that, and got the tartan seat-belt cover,” said Justtin.
“ Really, when?” asked Pug, as he sat down to wash his bum.
“ Do you have to do that?” asked Justtin.
“ Course I do. No one else is gonna do it. Why? Want a go?”
“ Er, no thank you,” said Justtin.
“ That’s why I have to do it,” said Pug. “ You were going to tell me when.”
“ 25 years ago,” said Justtin, matter of factly. “ We all went to Scotland to find Barry’s dad, and came back with a squirrel.”
“ I thought he was Barry’s dad,” said Pug.
“ Nothing concrete,” said Justtin. “ But Barry didn’t have anything else to go on, and couldn’t bare to part with him. We just sort of, went along with it.”
“ So the squirrel isn’t really Barry’s dad,” said Pug.
“ Of course not,” said Justtin. “ Or this book would have finished ages ago.”
“ So you spent all this time pretending that a squirrel was Barry’s dad. Didn’t anybody raise an eyebrow, ask questions or anything?”
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ Everybody. But what can you tell them? It’s just a minor problem, but he’s getting much better. No, we just ignored the interest. Sooner or later, the busy bodies gave up, and once we got ourselves settled in Romford, well, there seemed to be less interest than ever. I think most people look at B, and realise we have much more to worry about.”
“ Meaning?” asked Pug.
“ That thing is a one woman hate campaign,” said Justtin. “ If it moves, she hates it.”
“ What, even me?” asked Pug.
“ You move occasionally, don’t you?”
“ Of course. You taking the piss?”
“ And what if I was?” asked Justtin.
“ You should be very careful when it comes to piss taking,” said Pug.
“ Now I’m intrigued,” said Justtin. “ Are you going to tell me why?”
“ Well, this might sound a bit odd,” said Pug, “ but in a former life, I think I was a fireman.”
“ This is fantastic stuff,” said Justtin. “ Please go on.”
“ You’re not taking this seriously are you?” said Pug.
“ I’m all hearing devices,” said Justtin.
“ Well, I seem to know how to combat fires,” said Pug. “ I don’t understand how I know, but trust me, if a fire was to break out now, I would know exactly what to do.”
“ Yes, the same as most, I imagine. Run away and phone the Fire Service.”
“ Not a chance,” said Pug. “ By the time the Fire Service got here, I would have dealt with it.”
“ How?” asked Justtin, more intrigued than ever.
“ Think back, to about two minutes ago,” said Pug. “ We were talking about taking the piss. How do you think?”
“ A dog that has the ability to put out fires, with it’s own built in hose. Very impressive. But you won’t be able to get too close, being short ‘n all.”
“ Don’t you worry about that,” said Pug. “ I may be small, but I ain’t skinny.”
“ What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Justtin.
“ I have no idea. Been standing up too long. Could do with a snnnoooz…”
Justtin looked at Pug, and wondered why he’d stopped. Pug was still standing, but not for very long, as he suddenly fell sideways and hit the floor, fast asleep.
Justtin thought about exacting some kind of revenge for being woken earlier, but decided that there was plenty of time for that. That gives me time to think up something spectacular, he thought.

***

Barry had an idea, and Barry’s idea was far more legal than Zed’s plan. It was the morning after the night before, and the hangovers were there for all to see. But Barry was one of those wretched people, who always had his best ideas, when most of us were still trying to peel a leathery tongue off of the pillow.
They needed transport.
He managed a band.
The band had a van.•
All he had to do was convince the band, that borrowing the van was important.
That was when Barry hatched his master plan. The plan to outdo all others. The biggest, bestest plan the world had ever seen. The ultimate plan.
He woke Zed and told him his plan.
“ Is that it?” Zed asked. “ You’re going to tell the band that they have a gig in Scotland, just so we can use the van to go and get your dad. That’s a terrible idea.”
“ Why? Because you didn’t think of it first?” asked Barry.
“ Yes, mostly,” said Zed.
Barry ignored him, and went off to the kitchen, to get a greasy fry-up prepared.
“ Morning B,” he said as he entered the kitchen, to find Aunt B dressed in her favourite camouflage dress.
She must have been up all night, Barry thought, as he noticed all the sequins covering her arms.
“ Why are you holding your head?” she asked, knowing the answer.
“Too much to drink,” said Barry.
“ Serves you right for drinking out of wet glasses,” said B, looking at the mess ( Barry ) staring into space.
“ Planning something?” he asked, as he took a frying pan from the draining board.
“ Yep,” she replied. “ I’ve got a busy day ahead.”
“ Must be important, for you to get all dressed up,” he mentioned.
“ Not really,” Said B, not giving anything away, and not wanting to continue the conversation for any longer than she had to.
“ Well, we have some news,” said Barry, breaking two eggs into the aforementioned frying pan.
“ Fascinating,” said B, not taking any notice.
“ We’re going back to Scotland,” said Barry, not noticing B not taking any notice.
“ Smashing,” said B.
“ Are you coming?” asked Barry, as he turned the eggs, and stirred the baked beans that I’d failed to mention, along with the bacon, sausages, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and toast.
B watched the steam rise from the boiling kettle, but still didn’t hear what Barry was saying.
“ What?” she said.
“ We’re going back to Scotland to find my dad, are you coming?”
“ Can I take the tank?”
“ Er, no. Not this time,” Barry said, thinking about the rusting heap of metal that still sat outside B’s old farmhouse in the Essex countryside. He failed to mention that the tank had been sealed, completely, and had been filled with water, and tropical fish.
“ Well, that’s settled then,” said B. “ I’ll stay here and take care of business.”
“ What business?” asked Barry, not concentrating on his cooking.
“ My business,” she said. “ And watch what you’re doing.”
But B was too late, as Barry knocked the frying pan, sending a spray of hot fat all over the cooker.
There was a quiet whoosh, as the fat caught fire, and small flames started to join together, to become bigger flames.
“ That’s a pretty fire,” said B.
“ Fire? I’ll get it,” said Pug, but only Justtin heard him, as Pug got up from the chat they were having, and ran quickly to the kitchen.
There was a sudden blur of movement, and before Barry could work out what was happening, the fire was out, and Pug was making his way out of the kitchen.
“ Told you, didn’t I,” said Pug.
“ I’m impressed,” said Justtin, warming to his short friend.
“ Can someone please tell me what just happened here,” asked Barry.
“ The dog did it,” said B.
“ The dog did what?” asked Barry.
“ He put the fire out,” said B.
“ Eh? But how?” asked Barry.
“ Better if you don’t know,” said Justtin. “ And if I was you, I would wash up and start again.”
“ What is that smell?” Barry asked, as the eau de toilet hit him.
“ As I said just now, it’s probably best, that you don’t know,” said Justtin,
“ But I do remember telling you a while ago, that this dog was going to be special.”
“ Fanks mate,” said Pug, standing in the doorway.
“ I still don’t understand,” said Barry, totally confused.
“ Is he thick, or what?” asked Pug. “ He don’t know much, do he?”
“ Less than me,” said Justtin.
“ And me,” said Aunt B.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ What?” said Justtin.
“ I can hear the dog talking,” said B.
“ Rubbish,” said Barry.
“ Rubbish,” said Justtin.
“ No you can’t,” said Pug.
“ Yes I can,” B said to all three.
“ Oh bugger,” said Pug.
“ Your making it up,” said Barry.
“ Since when?” Justtin asked.
“ No I’m not. Yesterday,” she said. “ And stop swearing Pug.”
“ What swearing?” said Barry. “ I never heard a thing.”
“ I’m glad about that,” said Pug. “ Look old lady, do you mind if we keep this from him. Like, pretend or something.”
“ What? You mean, make him think I’m making it up,” said B. “ Why would I want to do that?”
“ You’re very old,” said Pug, “ and unless Justtin backs you up, Barry might think you’re hearing things. Then he might have to consider putting you in a home.”
B thought about this. If she was put in a home, she wouldn’t be able to follow Hilda Turner about, and at the moment, that was all she wanted to do.
She knew that Turner woman was going to cause her some grief, sooner or later, and B wanted to be around when it happened.
“ It must be old age,” she told Barry. “ Maybe it’s the Angels telling me that my time is getting close.”
“ So you didn’t hear the dog then,” said Barry.
“ What dog?” said B.
“ Nice one,” said Pug.
“ Thank Christ for that,” said Barry. “ I almost considered putting you in a home. And don’t worry about the Angels. You’ve got plenty of time yet.”
“ What Angels?” said B.
“ He he,” chuckled Pug. “ You’re funny.”
“ Don’t push your luck, buster,” said B.

***

In the daylight, the statues were a lot clearer than the night before, and dad got the shock of his life.
Eleven stone figures looked out across the ruins in different directions, and it didn’t take long for dad to realise, that he knew every last one of them. Well almost.
Each figure was on it’s own plinth, and each plinth had a name, neatly inscribed in to it.
Dad got up and went to the nearest statue, and read the name on the plinth.
BARRY 1977.
He ran his fingers over the inscription and slowly looked up at his son.
Well, you ain’t changed much, thought dad.
Justtin looked as menacing as he could, with a rear view mirror stuck to the side of his head, and a pair of Rayban sunglasses, bent out of shape, professionally, to fit his large head.
Aunt B stood there, with a grenade in her hand.
Zed looked like he was holding a pack of cards, and the first thing that crossed dad’s mind was, ‘ just like that’. Thank you very much.
Penny looked brilliant, with her shaved head and machine gun. If anybody had ever heard of Rambo, she was he, if you get my meaning.
Mum looked liked she was pointing to where the washing up should go, which because of habit, Zed and Barry seemed to be facing in a completely different direction.
The statues of old Nev, Ray and Fergus were close together, which was the way they had been for years.
As for Bert, well let’s just say, that if stone could talk, this piece would be saying, too much to drink please barman, as Bert pleaded with the air.
Dad looked at the squirrel and scratched his head. Why, he thought? He could understand some things, but a squirrel? Maybe the squirrel just happened to be there when the carving was done. Then dad got an even bigger shock, as he read the name on the plinth. Dad 1977.
He stood and stared in amazement.
“ What the hell is that all about?” he muttered to himself.
None of it made any sense.
He assumed that Justtin was responsible, naturally.
Who else could have carved these statues with such precision? It must have taken ages, he thought. But the whole thing had only taken Justtin an hour.
On a full battery, the robot went on a mission, and with no distractions, Justtin carved eleven life-size statues, in sixty minutes.
When asked why, Justtin said it was because he was bored.
Dad looked again at the statues surrounding him, and marvelled at Justtin’s handiwork. He walked in and out of the statues, looking at the inscriptions on each one. The more he looked, the more he realised he was missing them all.
Then he remembered the signal device, and thought he’d give it one last try. He took the device out of it’s plastic bag, and switched it on.
Yet again the little light faded out, and dad wasn’t sure if a message had been sent or not.
He needn’t have worried.

***

400 miles away, in Romford, Justtin shook.
“ I hate that,” he said.
“ What now?” asked Barry.
“ I just got another faint message from your dad,” said Justtin. “ Only this time it’s a lot closer than before.”
“ How much closer?” asked Barry, getting more than a little excited.
“ About a mile,” said Justtin.
“ That’s not that much closer,” said Barry, in one of his observant moods.
“ Its closer than the last one,” said Justtin.
“ Did you get a fix on it?” asked Barry.
“ No,” said Justtin. “ But I put him a bit closer to the area I showed Penny. I have a strange feeling that we’ve been to this area before.”
“ Where, exactly?”
“ Not 100%, but do you remember the castle?”
“ What castle?” asked Barry, who’s head was doing that sieve thing.
“ The statues. Now do you remember? I carved everybody in stone.”
“ Bloody hell. I’d forgotten all about that,” said Barry. “ But what about it?”
“ That’s the area that dad’s signal came from, well, as near as.”
“ Are you sure?” asked Barry.
“ Twenty five years, and you still don’t trust me,” said Justtin.
“ Er, yeah. Sorry about that,” said Barry.
“ Accepted,” said Justtin.
“ I better get this van sorted out,” said Barry, and with that, he called to Pug.
“ Can’t I get any peace?” said the dog.
“ Apparently not,” said Justtin. “ Bye bye.”
“ See ya later, tinny,” said Pug.
“ Ha, fucking ha,” said Justtin.

***

Aunt B was on special manoeuvres, in Romford market. She’d spotted Hilda Turner by the vegetable stall and was determined to catch her gossiping. Any old gossip would do.
B had become obsessed with Hilda Turner. She knew every little thing about her, right down to what colour toilet roll she’d bought.
B also knew where Hilda lived. She’d been outside Hilda’s place at six o’clock that morning, just in case Hilda made an early start. And as luck would have it, Hilda set off for the market at nine.
B watched every move that Hilda made, from a safe distance. Or what Aunt B considered safe.
She watched her go into the Post office to buy some stamps and a postal order, then watched her go into the market, where Hilda bought some wrapping paper, some wool for her knitting, later that day, and a box of men size tissues.
With her goods in her bag, Hilda went to a phone box, and made a quick call.
B didn’t see anything wrong with this. Everybody has to make phone calls, don’t they? Even in this day and age, with millions of mobile phones being used, on this island alone, B wasn’t surprised by this latest move of Hilda’s.
What she was surprised by though, were the two burly Policemen that asked her to accompany them to the station for questioning, in regard to a complaint they had received from a Mrs. Hilda Turner.
B had been arrested on suspicion of stalking, and had to be locked in a cell, pending investigation.
But of course, B hadn’t gone quietly. One of the arresting officers had suffered a broken arm, and the other had a severely bruised shin, due to a well-placed boot.
The bitch, thought B. Out smarted by that bloody busy body.
Now, Hilda had something to gossip about.

***

Barry had no idea of B’s predicament.
He was busy explaining to the band that he’d found them a gig, near Scotland.
“ How near Scotland,” asked Ade. “ I mean, it’s either in Scotland, or it isn’t.”
“ We’ll know more as we get closer,” said Barry, thinking as quickly as he could.
“ Dis smells fishy to me, so it does,” said Pat. “ You make it sound loike de venue is on de move, and dat ain’t roight. I don’t loike dem dere movin’ venues.”
“ What, you mean it’s a gig on a boat?” asked Ade. “ I’ve never done one of them.”
That was the break-through that Barry was looking for.
“ Yes,” he said. “ That’s exactly what it is. A gig on a boat. But we have to get up there and call them, and they will let us know where they are.”
“ Cool,” said Ade. “ Start packing up, Pat. I’ll go and bring the van around the back.”
“ Roight you are,” said Pat, as he eyed Barry suspiciously. Barry looked away, and pretended to do that whistle thing that’s usually associated with bull shit.
“ Oh, and don’t worry about taking any gear with you,” he said. I’m on a roll now, he thought, might as well carry on. “ Everything will be provided when we get there.”
“ What? Everything?” asked Ade.
“ That’s what I was told,” said Barry. “ All we have to do is get there.”
“ We’ll have to take our own guitars,” said Ade.
“ Of course,” said Barry. “ That’s what I said to the bloke on the phone. What about Mick? Is he taking his own sticks?”
“ You try and stop me,” said Mick. “ These are dead special. Can’t get ‘em anywhere.”
“ But I got you 50 pairs yesterday, and quite easily,” said Barry, a little confused.
“ Oh yeah,” said Mick. “ Must have been thinking of something else.”
“ Right,” said Barry, pleased with his morning’s work. “ Be ready to leave here in an hour. I’ll go and round up the guys, and be right back.”
“ What guys?” asked Pat.
“ Just Zed, Penny and Justtin,” said Barry.
“ What about the mad lady,” asked Ade.
“ My Aunt is staying behind,” said a deflated Barry. Everyone seemed to think the old girl was mad, apart from him. “ She has business to sort out here.”
“ I’m sorry,” said Ade. “ I didn’t realise she was your Aunt. I thought she was someone you had taken pity on.”
“ What?” said Barry, feeling hurt.
“ Only joking,” said Ade. “ See you in an hour.”