Euthanasia

Euthanasia, the act of killing someone painlessly, or according to the Collins Papaerback English Dictionary, to relieve suffering from an incurable illness. In Greek it means easy death. But is it right or wrong? Personally, who cares? If you have religious belief's then your answer will be different to those of atheist belief's. Or non beliefs as the religious sector would have us believe. Why is it that those of the religious persuasion fear death, yet atheist's do not? Nobody knows what's in store for us after death. There is no evidence of Hell or an afterlife. So why worry? Euthanasia should be made legal, with restrictions. If somebody looks to gain from it, then its wrong, but if the circumstances are right, with no personal gain, then why not? I would sign up for it straight away, if i thought that it would ease my pain. What about you?

Justtin

Chapter four

Crossed signals


Justtin had finished downloading his data on the PC, and with Barry, started to analyse the information that he had gathered.
The screen blinked into life, with diagrams and graphs, and spectrum analysers and visual equalisers, all doing a merry dance.
“ What do you make of that?” Barry asked, pointing to the wavy lines on the screen.
“ I’m not a hundred per cent, but I would say that calculates tunus crapiotus.”
“ That’s what I thought,” said Barry. “ They’re out of tune. Only just, mind you. But if that is the problem, then why is it happening?”
“ I suppose it’s down to who tunes the guitars,” said Justtin.
“ Isn’t that what roadies are for?” asked Barry.
“ What you asking me for?” said Justtin. “ I’m a robot. But I suggest we talk to Pat.”
“ That would explain a lot,” said Barry. “ What if he’s tuning the guitars with his hearing aid switched off?”
“ I can only imagine it being a lot worse,” said Justtin. “ Maybe it’s not him doing it.”
“ It wouldn’t be Ade playing another practical joke, surely?” said Barry.
“ Who can tell?” said Justtin. “ But if they’re that desperate to get a record deal, I can’t imagine the guitarist sabotaging things deliberately.”
“ Oh well,” said Barry, “ at least we think we’ve found the problem. All we need now, is the cause. I suppose we’re not going to be any wiser until we get down there.”
“ After you,” said Justtin as they departed the flat, and headed back to the Shakes.

***

Dad was in his element.
While rummaging through a dustbin, he’d stumbled on a broken toy computer. He hastily stuffed the toy into his newly found carrier bag, crushing the half-eaten doughnut at the bottom, and breaking the bottle of pop.
He continued his search while he still thought it was safe enough, but eventually his nerves got the better of him, so he retreated to his hideaway, leaving a trail of pop in his wake.
He laid his plunder on the floor, and realised that the only things missing, were a power source, and a screwdriver. He probably needs a soldering iron as well, but I don’t want to complicate matters.
Dad took the set of keys out of his pocket and studied them. One of the keys was smaller than the others, with a small flat edge. That’ll do nicely, he thought, and proceeded to make his transmitter.
An hour later, he’d finished making a very basic device, but still needed a power source. A battery would be nice, he thought, and decided to take a chance, and have another look around.
There were some shops close by, and if he was going to get what he needed, then where better? The night was getting closer, so he thought it better that he wait a while.
And he waited.
And he waited some more.
Dad didn’t remember waiting anymore. He fell asleep.
When his eyes opened, day was breaking, yet again. He decided that now was the time to get to the shops, before the rest of the village had time to catch him up. He quickly crawled out of his hiding place, under the bushes at the top of a small hill, and made his way down the slope, as quick as his old frame would take him.
Constantly glancing from side to side, and occasionally looking behind him, he made sure he wasn’t being watched, as he got closer and closer to the small precinct of shops.
There wasn’t much in the way of shops. The off license doubled up as the local video rental, the post office was also the newsagents, and an old Major ran the general store.
Dad got closer, and finally, he reached the rear of the off license. He made his way straight to the wheelie-bin, and raised the lid.
“ Get lost,” said a pair of eyes, staring back at him.
“ No,” said dad. “ Do you have any batteries in there? It’s important.”
“ No I don’t,” said the eyes. “ Now get lost.”
“ Thanks for your help,” said dad, and closed the lid.
Bloody weirdo, thought dad, and moved toward the next bin.
“ What do you want?” said a voice.
“ Er, batteries,” said dad. “ Have you got any in there?”
“ Might have. What d’you want them for?” said the voice.
“ I can’t tell you, but it’s important,” said dad.
“ They’re not for him with the eyes, are they?” said the voice.
“ No,” said dad, “ they’re for me.”
“ So what do you want them for?” said the voice. “ Coz if he gets ‘em, me and Boris will never hear the end of it.”
Who the hell is Boris thought dad, but he decided to be polite, and not ask.
“ My torch isn’t working,” lied dad. “ I need them for my torch.”
“ Show me your torch,” said the voice. “ Boris wants to see it.”
“ I don’t have it with me,” said dad.
“ Boris says you’re lying,” said the voice.
“ Why would I lie about my torch?” said dad. “ Look it’s very simple, I need some batteries. If you haven’t got any, then fine. I’ll go away and look somewhere else.”
“ Boris wants to know what you have in exchange?” said the voice.
“ I have a half-eaten dough-nut and a carrier bag,” said dad.
“ What colour is the bag?” said the voice. “ Boris wants to know.”
“ Is it important?” asked dad.
“ It is to Boris,” the voice answered.
“ It’s white,” said dad. “ Is that good enough?”
There was a short pause, in which dad could hear a lot of mumbling.
“ Boris says he has one,” said the voice. “ He keeps his batteries in it.”
“ I don’t believe you,” said dad. “ Show me.”
There was a shuffling sound, and the lid raised slightly. A small white bag was passed through the gap, and dad took his chance. He grabbed the bag and ran off toward the hill, laughing as he went. Too easy, he thought. He looked over his shoulder to see if he was being chased, but couldn’t see anyone behind him, so he used the opportunity to look inside the bag, and instantly wished he hadn’t.
“ He’s run off with your poo,” the voice said to Boris. “ I only hung it out there coz the smell was getting a bit much. He didn’t even wait for the batteries. I was going to let him have them, especially for a new white bag. I like white ones.”
What now? thought dad. I can’t go back there. They’ll be waiting for me.
He threw the bag over his shoulder, and heard it splat on the ground.
Gross, he thought.
He still needed some batteries. One would be enough. If only I had some cash, he thought. That was the point he got his next idea.

***

As they reached the pub, Justtin noticed a drink-dispensing machine, with a well-known company slogan blazoned across the front, firmly attached to the outside wall.
“ Hello baby,” he said, and went straight to the machine to chat it up.
He hadn’t been there long, when the drink dispenser started to shake, then with a small pop and a puff of smoke, the machine switched itself off.
“ What did you do to that coke machine?” asked Barry.
“ Don’t understand it,” said Justtin. “ I only asked it to get its tins out for the lads. Must be losing my touch.”
Barry groaned inwardly.
“ You are unbelievable,” he said. “ Let’s leave the thing alone. We’ve got other thing’s to do.”
“ Yeah,” said Pug.
Barry stopped and looked at Justtin.
“ Did you hear that?” he said.
“ What?” asked Justtin.
“ Never mind,” said Barry, as he made his way into the pub, with Pug and Justtin fighting for second place.
“ Hello Jeff,” Barry said to the landlord. “ Are they in?”
“ Who’s that then?” asked Jeff.
“ The band,” said Barry. “ Are the band here?”
“ Not heard a sound all day,” said Jeff. “ They might be sleeping or something.”
“ Let’s go and see,” Barry said to Justtin, and did just that.
And sure enough, the band were all sleeping.
Barry noticed a cassette recorder on a table, and realised it was still playing, but the music had finished. He switched the tape recorder off, and instantly, Ade started to stir. Barry pressed the rewind button, and let the tape go back a few minutes, then pressed play. The sound of the Dog’s Testis music came out of the small speaker, and Ade fell back to sleep.
Barry turned the music off, as he could feel his own eyelids getting heavy. Ade stirred again.
“ Heavy stuff, eh?” he said, as he finally got his bearings. “ Never noticed it before.”
“ What, exactly?” said Barry.
“ Well, when we play, we’re fine,” said Ade. “ We don’t feel tired or drowsy, or anything. We just, sort of, get on with it. We decided to tape a few songs, to see how we were getting on, and everything went really well. Then we played the songs back, and that was the last thing I can remember.”
“ We think we have the answer,” said Barry.
“ Really?” said Ade. “ Wow, that was quick. So, what is it?”
“ We think you’re playing out of tune,” said Justtin. “ In fact, we don’t think you are, we know you are.”
“ But that’s impossible,” said Ade. “ We all tune to each-other.”
“ But who does your tuning?” Barry asked.
“ Well, he does,” said Ade pointing to Pat.
“ Does he keep his hearing aid switched on?”
Barry had to ask the obvious.
“ Yes, of course he does,” said Ade. “ Well, at least I always thought he did.”
“ Must be something else,” said Barry.
“ I have an idea,” said Justtin. “ What does he use when he tunes your guitars?”
Ade lead the duo to the side of the stage, to where Pat had his little work area set up.
“ Is this what you’re looking for,” he said, holding up a small battery operated guitar tuner.
“ Could be?” said Barry. “ Do you mind if we take it away for tests.”
“ Be my guest,” said Ade. “ But what do we use in the mean time?”
“ I have no idea,” said Justtin. “ You’ll just have to play it by ear.”

***

I suppose it’s already occurred to you by now, that Aunt B has not been part of the story recently, and there’s a perfectly logical explanation.
Are you ready? Then we’ll begin.
One warm Sunday morning, as Aunt B was leaving church, she noticed a sign on the wall, advertising a knitting circle, run by the local vicar’s wife, followed by a phone number.
She wrote down the number on a used tissue, and went home to see if she could find the mobile phone, that she was convinced that dad the squirrel had hidden for a rainy day.
It wasn’t likely to rain on this Sunday, but today was as good a day as any to make new friends, so Aunt B headed for where she thought dad might have hidden the phone.
After leaving the contents of Barry’s laundry basket strewn all over the bathroom floor, she went to the kitchen and pulled the cooker away from the wall. In amongst the dust and crumbs, were an old pair of socks, and a new pair of Aunt B’s bloomers.
“ Little bastard,” she said. “ I ain’t worn them yet. I’ll have his nuts for this.”
She kicked the socks out of the way, but there was no sign of the phone. She looked about the kitchen and spied the vegetable rack.
“ Aha!” she said, as she reached under the rack and retrieved a mouldy carrot.
She put the carrot to her ear.
“ This ones dead,” she said. “ I’ll have to find the other one.”
She tossed the carrot over her shoulder and the search continued.
She went into the living room, and pulled the cushions off the sofa. She jammed her hand down the back, where we keep our spare change, but it wasn’t there.
With all the dust flying around, Aunt B started to sneeze. She rummaged in her handbag and pulled out a tissue, and gave her nose a good blow.
She pushed the tissue back in her bag, and her knuckle brushed something hard.
“ What’s that?” she said to herself.
She put her hand around the hard object, and pulled out her phone.
“ The little bugger hid it in my bag,” she said. “ I’ll have him for this.”
So, we have the phone, and we have the number. And if we put the two together, we end up with a conversation.
“ Hello,” said a squeaky little voice. “ Can I help you?”
“ That depends deary,” said B. “ What are we knitting this week?”
“ I’m sorry?” said squeaky. “ This is Mrs. Vicars. Who’s that?”
“ This is Betty Trotter. I want to join your group.”
“ Ah, now I understand,” said Mrs. Vicars. “ Well, we congregate on Tuesdays and Thursdays at the church hall, at 10 o’clock. All you have to do is come along.”
“ Do you supply the tea and bikkies?” asked B.
“ We have a kettle, and some teabags,” said Mrs. Vicars. “ Unfortunately, we don’t have any milk, or cups coming to think of it. We would welcome any donations or gifts.”
“ Like what?” asked B.
“ Milk and cups mostly,” said Mrs. Vicars. “ Or knitting needles, wool, old clothes, anything really. We’re having a jumble sale next weekend, so every little helps. You can help out if you like.”
“ Next weekend you say,” said B. “ That wouldn’t be a Saturday would it?”
“ Yes. Is that problem?” asked Mrs. Vicars.
“ Not really. I don’t have anything planned,” said B. “ So, shall I come on Tuesday, and we can chat some more.”
“ That would be marvellous,” said Mrs. Vicars. “ I look forward to it.”
“ Me too,” said B. “ Good bye.”
Silly cow, thought Mrs. Vicars.
Funnily enough, B thought the same thing.
Tuesday came, and Aunt B joined the knitting circle, only she was sitting on the inside, trying to knit her way out.
As mentioned before, knits r us, met Tuesdays and Thursdays, and tried their best to make B feel at home.
But when she was told that knitting a man would be virtually impossible, she spent her time making hand grenade covers.
Not only a great place to view all the latest knitting disasters, knits r us was also a great place to get all the local gossip.
B was quite amazed, that while she was there, nobody ever brought up the fact that she shared a flat with her nephew Barry, a seven foot robot, the ugliest dog that had ever been born, and a squirrel called dad.
But as soon as she was out of earshot, the bitching never stopped.
Especially Mrs. Turner, whose son had his own funeral parlour, Turner Ina Grave.
Crappy name, but it paid the bills.
As for Hilda Turner, the town’s biggest gossip, she couldn’t wait to start a rumour, and today’s rumour was just the sort of thing that can destroy a small community like Romford.
After B had left, Mrs. Turner tried to convince the knitting circle, that B was having a relationship with the squirrel, but almost everybody saw through this one.
Almost.
There were some who said, that being the only squirrel in the vicinity, the company was probably what he needed.
But most said it was utter rubbish, as the squirrel was lacking in the nut department.
Of course, things like that weren’t beneath B.
She didn’t want to waste her time with gossip, or gossip makers. But, if she was going to waste her time, she was hoping to catch them at it.
She couldn’t remember the last time she had some fun with a hand grenade, and with B’s history, it wasn’t going to take much to bring the fun back.
All she had to do was catch them at it.
So, Aunt B took to eve’s dropping.
On every street corner, she would stop and listen, and hope to get a snippet of gossip. But nine times out of ten, it amounted to nothing.
She would also visit the local pub, hospital, cinema, and the market was becoming a particular favourite hunting ground for the old girl.
She was a determined woman, and needed little excuse to play with ever increasing arms stash.
And Hilda Turner was the little excuse B needed.

***

Dad’s new idea was pure class. He was going to busk outside the village pub.
It was lunchtime, and the village was awake, at last. Dad made his way to the pub and put his empty bag on the floor. He looked left. Nothing. He looked right. Even more nothing. Things weren’t looking so good, so he sat on the floor and waited.
Two hours had gone by, when dad was disturbed by a car pulling up in the car park. He jumped to his feet, and started to tap dance, at the same time as singing an old song that he vaguely remembered the words to. So, after much humming, and dancing of the tap variety, he looked in his bag to see how well he’d done.
He hadn’t.
One foreign coin and a chocolate button. Terrific, he thought. He wondered if the coin could be exchanged at the post office, but decided against the idea, as he couldn’t even tell which country it came from. And the chocolate button was the best thing he’d eaten in days.
Back to the drawing board, he thought.
The village was dead, the pub even more so. Dad looked through the window in envy. Inside, were two people, a barman, and a well-dressed gentleman. Dad wondered how the man had got past him. He decided to wait for the man to come out.
Another two hours went by.
I’m getting bloody bored of this, he thought. He took another look in the window, just in time to see the gentleman heading towards the door. Right, thought dad, I’ll get him this time.
“ Spare any change?” dad asked the man, before he’d even got through the door.
“ What for?”
“ I’ve got to ring my son,” said dad, without hesitation. It didn’t even occur to him that he didn’t have Barry’s number.
“ Why don’t you use my mobile?” the man asked.
Dad had been away for so long he didn’t know what a mobile was.
“ A what?” dad asked.
“ This,” the man said, showing dad his nice little phone.
“ You’re taking the piss, aren’t you?” said dad. “ I ain’t using that.”
“ What’s wrong with it?”
“ It’s far too small, for starters. How can anybody use that?”
“ This is state of the art technology,” said the man. “ And they’re cheap. I can do you a great deal on one like this.”
“ What sort of deal?” asked dad.
“ I can do you this phone, complete with battery, charger, carry case and hands free kit, for nothing. All you have to do is sign a 12 month contract,” said the salesman.
Battery, thought dad. Just what I need.
“ Is the battery charged?” asked dad
“ I can do that in my car,” said the salesman. “ It will only take a little while.”
“ Ok, where do I sign?” said dad.
And the deal was done. Dad gave the man false credit-card details, and the man gave dad a really crappy phone.
But dad couldn’t care less. He had a battery.
Half an hour later, dad took his new purchase back to his hideaway, and quickly dismantled the phone. He removed the battery and connected it to his signal device, and with the flick of a small switch, he sent a message to Justtin.

***

After numerous tests, Barry and Justtin both came to the same conclusion. The batteries in the guitar tuner were almost dead, and that, as far as Barry was concerned, was the reason the guitars weren’t in tune. Well, not perfectly, anyway.
The pitch was wrong.
So simple, yet it accounts for the reason there are so many crappy bands about at the moment. Change your batteries, guys.
“ So what happens now,” Barry asked.
“ Well, seeing as you are now the bands manager, you’ll have to put your money where your mouth is, and buy them some new batteries,” Justtin offered.
“ And we’ll get them the very best money can buy,” said Barry.
“ Bloody idiot,” said Pug.
“ What was that?” asked Barry.
“ What?” said Justtin.
“ Thought I heard a voice,” said Barry.
“ Tell him it’s me, tin man,” said Pug.
“ I didn’t hear anything,” said Justtin.
“ Oh bugger,” said Pug.
“ It’s gone now,” said Barry. “ Let’s go and tell the band.”
“ Backwards and forwards,” said Pug. “ This is getting on all of my nipples.”
Barry put the leash on Pug and pulled him towards the door.
“ Get off,” said Pug. “ I don’t wanna go out.”
“ He don’t look too happy,” said Justtin. “ Maybe he doesn’t want to go out.”
“ Don’t be ridiculous,” said Barry. “ He’s a dog. Of course he wants to go out.”
“ No I don’t,” said Pug.
“ Are you sure?” said Justtin.
“ Sure I’m sure,” said Barry. “ Look, we’ll go and sort the band out, then we’ll come back here and chill out for the rest of the day. What do you say?”
“ Sounds good to me,” said Pug. “ Still don’t want to go though.”
“ Let’s do it,” said Justtin.
“ You metal git,” said Pug. “ Who’s side are you on?”
They left the flat and crossed the High Street, and spotted Aunt B lurking on a corner.
“ Hello B,” said Barry. “ What are you up to?”
“ Just taking care of business,” she replied.
“ What business?” Barry asked.
“ Mine,” she said. “ Now you mind yours.”
“ Charming,” said Barry, as he dragged the reluctant Pug round the corner to the pub.
“ Keep an eye on her,” Barry said to Justtin.
“ I’d like to,” said Justtin, “ but I have something else to deal with.”
“ Such as?” Barry asked.
“ Something’s not quite right,” said Justtin.
“ If you say so,” said Barry.
“ You really should take more notice of things,” said the robot. “ This concerns you.”
“ Why me?” asked Barry.
“ I think I’ve just had a message from your dad.”
“ What?”
“ Very faint, but I’m sure it was him. He was probably using a phone battery.”
“ How can you tell?” asked Barry.
“ What? That it was dad, or it was a phone battery?”
“ Both,” said Barry.
“ Well, firstly, I have no idea how I know it was your dad. I just know. And secondly, phone batteries have to be charged fully first time. This one wasn’t.”
“ Are you still getting the signal?” asked Barry.
“ Nope.”
“ Well, can you tell where it came from?”
“ Nope.”
“ So, what do we do now?” Barry asked.
“ Have a serious chat with the squirrel,” said Justtin.
“ That’s going to be difficult,” said Pug. “ I chucked him in the rubbish bin this morning, and the old girl put him out for the dustbin men. I don’t suppose he’ll be coming back.”
“ What?” said Barry.
“You’re going to have to have a serious chat with the squirrel,” said Justtin.
“ Other than that, I didn’t say anything
“ I must be cracking up,” said Barry. “ Keep getting voices in my head.”
“ Nothing a good whack from a cricket bat can’t cure,” said Pug.
“ Which reminds me,” said Barry. “ If I’m going to be this bands manager, I’m going to need a new cricket bat. A bit of authority, know what I mean.”
“ Bit extreme,” said Justtin.
“ At last,” said Pug. “ I seem to be getting somewhere.”
“ You know what?” said Barry. “ I actually feel like I’m getting somewhere.”

***

Aunt B’s business was spying. She’d followed Mrs. Turner from the church hall, and was now spying on her in the market.
B still didn’t have anything to go on, but if the rumours were to be believed, it was only a matter of time.
B had spent the morning polishing a handgun, which was now nestled in the bottom of her handbag. Every now and then, she reached into her bag, just to make sure it was still there, and once she knew it was, she felt a bit more reassured.
Mrs. Turner had been to the vegetable stall, and stocked up on sprouts and carrots, and then she made her way to a small stall at the far end of the market, which specialised in toilet rolls, and wrapping paper. Aunt B followed.
Hilda looked around to make sure she wasn’t being watched. She didn’t want anybody to know which colour toilet roll she used. Snobs are like that. They also like the gossip, and Hilda Turner was the best gossip snob that she knew.
She thanked the stallholder and paid him his money, still oblivious of Aunt B watching her.
Aunt B found something interesting to look at, as Mrs. Turner passed her. With B watching out of the corner of her eye, Hilda headed back into the market, and slowly went from one end to the other. Occasionally, Hilda would stop and talk to people she knew, but Aunt B couldn’t get close enough to hear what was being said.
B had thought about planting a bugging device on Hilda, but changed her mind, when she realised how close she would have to get to the woman. She didn’t exactly like Hilda, so why would she want to get close to her. Except to plant a bug, of course.
Maybe if she could stop the rows with that magnet shy freak, she could recruit Justtin’s help, she thought.
Justtin would have helped willingly. He had a problem with old people, and if it meant another would meet their maker prematurely, then he was all for it.
But B wasn’t talking to Justtin, so that wasn’t going to happen.
She wondered if she could get help from Barry, or Zed, or perhaps Penny. All she had to do was ask.
But maybe she was just being paranoid. Maybe Hilda Turner wasn’t the ruthless gossip that B had heard about. Maybe this was all for nothing.
She stuck her hand in her bag and felt the gun once more. It was wet.
“Oh shit,” she said to herself. “ It’s leaking. I’ll have to go home and fill it up with water again.”

***

Barry’s chat with Pat and the band went better than expected. As far as they were concerned, the problem had been solved, and Barry was now their new manager.
Barry was now in the entertainment business, and decided he needed a tall blonde, to perfect his image.
The Shakes had a new barmaid, Hannah, and Barry thought he would start there. She was a tall, leggy, blonde. Exactly what Barry had in mind.
Until she opened her mouth.
“ Watcha,” she said. “ What ya ‘avin’?” she asked in a deep voice.
Barry was taken back.
How could such a beautiful woman, have a voice that was lower than a rats testicle?
“ I’ll have a pint of lager,” he said, wondering if the woman was actually a man.
“ No problem mate,” said Hannah.
Barry was now getting scared, and once he’d got his pint, he paid for it and went and sat in his usual window seat.
Justtin came to join him, and Barry watched him approach.
“ Did you hear her voice?” Barry asked.
“ Only just,” said Justtin. “ Her voice is so low, it’s almost beyond my frequencies. And it really grates.”
“ Sorry,” said Barry. “ I’ll try and make a point of not talking to her again.”
“ That would be best,” said Justtin.
Barry was still feeling a bit spooked by Hannah, and without making it too obvious, he kept an eye on what she was doing.
He was a bit surprised, when, a little later on, she was deep in conversation with the local hoodlum, called Trevor.
She was laughing at his every word, and Barry couldn’t understand her fascination.
“ Each to their own,” said Justtin.
“ Sorry?” said Barry.
“ You’ve been watching Hannah for ages,” said Justtin. “ And you can’t work out how somebody like him, can be interested in someone that scares the crap out of you.”
“ I’m not scared of her,” said Barry, dishonestly. “ But there’s something not quite right. I think she’s Jeff, dressed up as a bird. Have you noticed that they’re not in the bar at the same time.”
Barry spoke too soon, which is tradition. Jeff walked into the bar and told Hannah it was her turn to take a break.
“ That pissed on your chips, didn’t it,” said Justtin, as he and Barry watched Hannah grab her coat and leave the pub with Trevor.
“ I didn’t see that coming,” said Barry, which traditionally, he didn’t.

Justtin

Chapter three

Something special is brewing.

Somewhere, North of the border, things weren’t all as rosy as they could have been. In a hospital, 25 miles further north of an old Harrier crash site, a man in his sixty’s was having problems making himself understood.
“ Give him another jab,” said the first orderly.
“ He needs more pills,” said the second.
“ He needs a whack,” said the third.
“ Sorry lads,” said the leading medical examiner. “ I’m afraid you’re all wrong this time. What he needs this time is an enema. That should quieten him down for a little while.”
“ No it fucking won’t,” said dad. “ I need to get back to Romford. I want to go back and see my family.”
“ Totally delirious,” said the first. “ He definitely needs another jab.”
“ Nah, pills,” said the second.
“ Smack him one,” said the third, removing a large knuckle-duster from his white overcoat pocket.
“ I demand to speak to somebody,” said dad.
“ Like who?” said the senior dude.
“ Somebody in charge,” said dad. “ And you can stick that syringe where the sun don’t shine.”
“ It hasn’t shone there for quite a while, thinking about it,” said the first.
“ You really must calm down,” the senior dude said, and was doing his best to get the situation under control, and he wasn’t doing a bad job. He would have done even better if the third orderly hadn’t decided to take things into his own hands, as he edged behind dad. Thinking dad hadn’t seen him, he closed in.
The next thing the third remembered was waking up in crisp hospital sheets, which were very neatly attached to a hospital bed. He tried to sit up, but couldn’t move his arms, and his face hurt something terrible. He started to panic.
“ Thanks for joining us,” said the senior medical bloke.
“ Whab habbened?” the third managed to mumble through swollen lips.
“ Don’t try to move,” said the senior geezer. “ You have two broken arms, a broken nose, and a badly swollen mouth.”
“ No shit,” said the third. “ So whab habbened?”
“ You let him escape, you clumsy oaf.”
“ Eh?” said the third through a fat lip, closely followed by the other.
“ The man is sixty-two years old, and he got the better of you,” said the senior chap. “ Well, I had to let him go, didn’t I. And it’s all your fault.”
“ Eh?”
“ He’s escaped you idiot,” ranted the main man. “ If you’d hung on to him for another couple of minutes, I would have had him. Nearly.”
“ Well leb’s geb arber hib.”
“ Don’t be stupid,” said the head honcho. “ That was hours ago. He’ll be miles away by now.”
“ Hours?”
“ Yeah. Er, you’ve been out cold for about three hours.”
“ Whab did he hib be wib for Chribes sake?”
“ Oh, he didn’t hit you with anything,” said the big cheese. “ During the struggle, the first orderly injected you, instead of him. He got free of your grip and you fell forward, hence the broken arms. They were still folded in front of you when you landed. The face, unfortunately, was my fault.”
“ Eh?”
“ Yes, I tried to catch you, but I wasn’t quick enough. At least my boot broke your fall.”
“ Bollocks,” said the third correctly. “ So bere are be ubber two?”
“ Out cold as well,” said the big man. “ They couldn’t cope with the situation, so they shared the remainder of the pills. They’re both ok, but they’ll wake up with one bitch of a headache.”
“ But bere are bey now?” asked the third.
“ Under the desk in my office,” said the top man. “ They looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to wake them.”
“ Bankers,” said the third.

***

“ So let me get this right,” said the Police sergeant. “ A sixty-two year old man got the better of you and three orderly’s. I find that pretty hard to believe.”
“ He was a right slibbery bugger,” said the third.
“ That’s easy for you to say,” said the sergeant. “ But according to my information, you were out cold. Why was the man here in the first place?”
“ Just a mild form of amnesia,” said the top sausage.
“ And he was here for how long?”
“ Er, twenty-five years, give or take an hour or two,” said the doctor dude.
“ Just a mild form? Are you taking the piss,” said the sergeant. “ What ever happened to care in the community?”
“ What? This far north?” said the doctor. “ Now who’s taking the piss. Look, the bloke wandered in here twenty-five years ago not knowing who he was or where he was from. We put a roof over his head and fed him. It was the least we could do.”
“ So why was he kept in a padded cell?” asked the sergeant.
“ He might have become violent,” said the doctor. “ You can never be too careful.”
“ You really are taking the piss now,” said the sergeant. “ Why wasn’t he released back into the community?”
“ He didn’t know where he was. How would he know where he was going?” the doctor said logically.
“ Don’t get smart with me, arsehole,” said the sergeant. “ I’ll have you run in.”
“ What for?” asked the doctor.
“ I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something,” said the sergeant. “ While I’m thinking of it, I have some more questions.”
“ No problem,” said the doctor. “ I’m not going anywhere.”
“ You got that right,” said the sergeant.
“ I have no choice. I live here,” said the doctor.
The Police sergeant ignored the flippant remark, and continued with his questioning.
“ Right,” he started. “ Did this man have a name?”
“ Dad,” said the doctor.
“ Pardon?”
“ His name was dad Trotter, or so he claimed.”
“ And did it occur to you to have his details put on the missing persons register?” the sergeant asked.
“ We always meant to,” said the doctor, “ but we don’t get out much.”
“ You only had to make a phone call.”
“ We meant to get that fixed as well,” said the doctor.
“ So basically,” the sergeant assumed correctly, “ he’s been kept here against his will.”
“ That’s not entirely true,” said the doctor. “ He could have left whenever he wanted.”
“ So why didn’t he then?” asked the Policeman.
“ Coz he wouldn’t leave his room.”
“ And why was that?”
“ We lost the key,” the doctor mumbled very quietly.
“ I didn’t hear you,” said the sergeant.
“ I said, we lost the key,” said the doctor a little louder.
“ So why didn’t you get a new key cut?” asked the sergeant.
“ As I said before…”
“ You don’t get out much,” the sergeant interrupted.
The sergeant had been in the job for years, and he’d met every idiot possible, and this was no exception.
“ I’m not surprised the poor bloke wanted to get out of here,” he said. “ And I’m going to do the same, unless you’ve lost the key.”
“ So, are you going to bring him back?” the doctor asked.
“ As far as I’m concerned the matter is closed,” said the sergeant.
“ But he neebs his mebication,” said the third.
“ I think you people probably need it more,” said the sergeant. “ Good luck to the bloke. It’ll probably do him more good to be out of here. I suggest you do the same.”
“ What?” said the doctor. “ Out there? You must be kidding. The place is full of nutters.”
“ Are you willing to take some advice?” the sergeant asked.
“ Yes,” said the doctor.
“ Take a long hard look at yourselves, before you start passing judgement on others.”

***

Before dad’s escape from the hospital, he’d managed to find enough bits and pieces to help him with the plan that was taking shape in his head. He knew what he wanted to do, but he needed to get some distance from the hospital. So he made that his priority.
Of course, dad had no idea that he wasn’t being pursued, but that didn’t stop him from hiding from everybody and everything. He kept away from roads and towns, and slowly made his way south.
He wondered why it had been so easy to escape from the hospital. There were enough people around, but thinking back on it, he realised that most of them wore stupid grins, or were sleeping.
The bit that surprised him most was getting his memory back and realising that he shouldn’t be there. But that was fifteen years ago. Coincidentally, around the same time there was change in authority, and several sets of keys mysteriously disappeared.
Dad tapped his pocket. Yep, sure enough. The keys were still there.
You couldn’t blame him. He had no idea where he was, or what day it was. He didn’t know if he was still being followed by the Arabs, or whether the Finwah was still in place.
He decided to play it safe, so by stealing the keys, nobody would be able to find him, or get to him.
Hiding the keys was easy to start with, as nobody could get in his room. But then he had to be more inventive, and using the lavatory was beginning to take its toll.
Still, they came in handy when it came to his escape. He couldn’t believe that the locks still hadn’t been changed. As he strolled through the corridors, unlocking door after door, nobody challenged him, because he had a set of keys. He must be a new orderly, they all thought, and sat back and waited for their next dose of medication. And you thought the people in charge were stupid.

***

With Justtin back to normal (?), Barry took him to meet Pat the Irishman, explaining on the way, what the bands problem was.
Pug was sniffing the road and not taking any notice, until the conversation started to get interesting.
“ What do expect me to do about it?” the robot asked.
“ I have no idea,” said Barry, “ but I’m hoping the new software I installed in you will give us some clue as to why this band make people fall asleep.”
“ Sounds like fun,” said Justtin. “ So what are they called? Anyone famous?”
“ Not really,” said Barry. “ They’re called ‘The Dogs Testis’.”
“ That ain’t funny,” said Pug.
“ Excuse me,” said Justtin. “ The dog’s what?”
“ You heard. The Dog’s Testis. Apparently they wanted to be known as The Dog’s Bollocks.”
“ Bollocks,” said Pug.
“ What’s the difference?”
“Try askin’ me,” said Pug. “ Oh, yeah. You can’t.”
“ You haven’t heard them,” said Barry. “ There’s a slight difference between testicles, and this sort of bollocks.”
“ What? They’re that bad?” asked Justtin.
“ Nope. The complete opposite,” said Barry. “ I wish I knew a thing or two about the business. They would go a long way.”
“ But I thought you said they send people to sleep when they play?”
“ They do, but with our help, we can put a stop to it. And as a reward, we could become their managers. We could make a fortune.”
“ Bollocks sums that up nicely,” said Pug.
“ Getting out of your pram a bit, aren’t you?” said Justtin.
“ Eh?”
“ You know,” said Justtin. “ A bit carried away.”
“ Was I?” said Barry as he entered the pub and led Justtin to the function room.
The band were sitting and chatting to Pat, when Barry and Justtin approached them.
“ Pat, I want you to meet Justtin,” said Barry.
Pat looked up at the giant robot in front of him, his mouth wide open in terror.
He’d been a roadie / stage manager for more years than he cared to remember, and he thought he’d seen it all.
“ Holy Mary, Mother of God,” he said. “ What de fook is dat?”
“ This,” said Barry, proudly, “ is Justtin. He’s my robot.”
“ Two t’s,” added Justtin.
“ Shit. It speaks,” said Pat.
“ And probably better than you,” said Justtin. “ And I’m not an it. I’m a he.”
“ That went well,” said Barry. “ So Pat, are you going to introduce us to the band, and maybe we can get started on sorting out your little problem.”
“ Little?” said Ade. “ He calls it little.”
The other band members started to laugh, and one-by-one introduced themselves to Barry and Justtin, once they realised he wasn’t going to do anything unnatural, or supernatural.
“ Let me make a suggestion,” said Barry. “ I won’t pressure you to make a decision straight away, but if things go the way I’m expecting, and I’m successful, I would like to have first option on being your manager.”
“ You were serious?” said Justtin.
“ Shhh!” said Barry. “ So what do you say?”
“ Listen mush,” said Ade, who had put himself forward as the bands leader and spokesman, “ If you can sort out our problem, you can buy shares in us, which would make you our owner, mainly coz we don’t have any shares.”
“ So, what would that cost me?” Barry asked.
The band went to the far corner and had a discussion.
“ This is exciting,” said Justtin.
“ Bollocks,” said Pug.
“ Did you hear something?” asked Barry.
Pug looked up expectantly.
“ I heard a joke once,” said Justtin. “ Does that count.”
“ Not really,” said Barry. “ They’re coming back.”
“ Right,” said Ade, “ we’ve chewed it over, and it’s gonna cost you a case of lager, and Mick needs some new drum sticks. Your dogs just run off with his only good one.”
“ Is that all?” said Barry. “ A case of beer and some drum sticks? Is one case of beer enough?”
“ Oh yeah,” said Ade. “ That’s for me. The others are all teetotal.”
“ I feel like I’ve just been a contestant on Sale of the Century,” said a happy Barry. “ Are you sure that’s all you want?”
“ Yeah,” said Ade. “ When we get our record deal, that will pay for everything else. Then we can get a manager who knows what he’s doing.”
“ How do you know I don’t?” Barry asked, feeling hurt.
“ Coz your negotiating skills are crap. We feel the less we owe you, the less the severance pay will be.”
“ Now, that’s what I call negotiating,” said Justtin.
“ Shut up,” said Barry.
“ Only joking,” said Ade. “ When can you start?”
“ Not sure I want now,” Barry said after a moments thought.
“ Don’t worry about him,” said Pat. “ He’s de practical joker of de band, so it is.”
“ Is he now?” said Barry giving Justtin a sideways glance. Two can play at that game, they both thought.
“ Shall we get this experiment over with,” Justtin suggested, trying to make light of the situation.
“ Hang on,” said Pat. “ No one said anytin’ about no experiment.”
“ Practical jokes,” said Barry. “ Don’t you just love ‘em.”
Barry stood on a chair and gave Justtin a high five, and it took a while, but eventually Pat and the band saw the funny side.
“ So, what do you need us to do?” Ade asked.
“ What you do best,” said Barry. “ I just want you to play like you normally would. Justtin here, is going to run some tests, and when you’ve finished, we should have some idea of what to do next.”
“ You better go to the bar then,” said Ade. “ Otherwise you’ll be asleep in no time. Mine’s a pint.”
“ It’ll be on the bar when you’ve finished,” said Barry. “ Now, where did I put my dog?”
And the band played on.

***

Meanwhile, somewhere north of the border, dad was scratching around in somebody’s dustbin for something edible. He hadn’t eaten since yesterday’s escape, and needed to keep his strength up, for the task ahead. He found a soggy chip wrapper and chewed on that until he found a half-eaten burger in a plastic container. He neatly folded his chip wrapper, and put it in his pocket.
You never know, he thought. I might not be this lucky tomorrow.
Still, that’s life. You give a little bit, and you take a little bit.
Dad took the little bit of burger and went back to his hideaway in the trees.
During his escape, he’d managed to collect a few electrical bits and pieces, and knew that the only way he was going to be found, was to get a message to Justtin.
Dad knew that Justtin would still be around, because he’d made him. Justtin was a throwback to the good old days, when things were made to last. Plus Justtin’s batteries lasted 33% longer than ordinary batteries.
Dad also assumed that Barry would follow in his footsteps and become an inventor, or something equally intelligent.
He’d had plenty of time to wonder what the lad was up to.
Lad? he thought.
Barry was now 35 years old, and that was hard to take. It made dad realise that he was also 25 years older.
He wondered if Barry would recognise him, or he would recognise Barry.
And what about mum? Was she still alive? Had she found someone else?
So many questions, and never enough answers.
Boy, is he in for a shock.
But none of it mattered. He had to stay focused, and get a message to Justtin.
Even if Barry hadn’t continued in his field, dad knew he could rely on Justtin.
Back in his hideaway, dad uncovered his few electrical odds and sods, and started to take them apart. He spread the parts out in front of him and looked hard at the assortment of wires, switches, capacitors and microchips, and realised that technology had obviously moved on, a lot.
The one thing that struck him more than anything else, was that virtually everything in front of him was made in either Japan or Taiwan. I always knew I should have got into that market, he thought. Oh well, win some, lose some.
Dad made a mental note of what he had, and what he needed, and settled down for the night.

***

As the last guitar chord faded away, Justtin finished running his tests.
Pure coincidence.
If we had a lab, I’d probably take them back there, he thought. But instead he went off to find Barry, and found him, deep in a joke with Jeff the landlord.
“ Teach it to cook and piss off,” was Jeff’s punch line.
Justtin looked at Barry laughing, and realised that he’d never seen him laugh so much. Not even the time when Aunt B demolished the rest of her house, after having a bath. But that’s another story.
Must I explain?
Ok. But I’ll do the edited version.

25 years ago.

After the long journey back from Scotland, our tired, but happy crew finally arrived back Aunt B’s farmhouse in Essex.
After two weeks on the road, and completely covered in dust and dirt, Aunt B needed a bath.
Seeing as the bathroom was one of the only surviving rooms from the mortar attack, B was in luck.
She ran herself a hot bath, got undressed and lowered herself into the steaming tub, with her leg launcher hanging over the side. She didn’t have her boot on, which meant that the leg was armed•. She didn’t want it to get wet, or that may have caused it to backfire, and she didn’t want that to happen. She’d already lost the bottom half of her leg. She didn’t want to lose the top half as well, so over the side it went.
So, there she sat, quite happily, in her nice hot bath, when the scratching started.
At first, B wasn’t sure where the scratching was coming from, but as she looked toward the door, dad the squirrel was staring back at her, and shaking. He’d seen enough, and wanted to get out. He sat and scratched at the door, hoping that someone would hear him, and let him out.
Unfortunately, the only person to hear his scratched pleas, was B. She tried standing, but she had a problem. She had one leg hanging over the side of the bath, and she couldn’t get it wet.
Ok. She had two problems.
She had one leg hanging over the side of the bath, she couldn’t get it wet and she had a squirrel spying on her.
Ok. She had three problems. ( You get the picture.)
She held both sides of the bath and pushed as hard as she could, but she lost her grip and slid back to where she started. She tried again, but this time, B was more determined. She managed to hook her leg over the same side as the leg launcher, and pushed herself hard, so that she could sit on the edge.
So far so good, she thought, as she stood up.
Dad was getting scared. He needed somewhere to hide. He saw the darkness beneath the bath, and made a dash for it, straight between B’s legs.
“ Get out of it, you little bugger,” she said, and as she took a swipe at the squirrel, she lost her balance, and fell sideways to the floor.
She looked under the bath, at dad staring back at her.
“ Come here, you little basket,” she growled.
She put her hand under the bath, to try and grab dad, but he wasn’t too keen on being strangled. As B’s fingers got closer and closer, they finally got too close.
CRUNCH!
“ Yow!!” yelled B, as she pulled her hand back from under the bath. She stared at the teeth marks in her fingers and thought, right, now it’s my turn.
But in B’s haste, she’d forgotten about the trigger in her knee, and as she rose to get up, she put her knee down, and said, “ Oops.”

As I said, that was the edited version. Needless to say, everybody survived the explosion.
And Aunt B is still waiting for her turn.


Back to the future.

Justtin was happy that Barry was happy. He couldn’t have been happier.
“ What’s so funny?” he asked Barry. Barry looked at Justtin, then at Jeff, then tried to look at Justtin again. But it was too much. Barry collapsed into a hysterical heap.
“ Was it something I said?” asked Justtin.
“ Oh, I don’t think it’s anything to do with you,” said Jeff. “ He’s just had a phone call. I think it threw him a bit. He’s been a bit hysterical ever since.”
“ I didn’t detect a phone call,” said Justtin.
“ That’s what he said you’d say,” said Jeff. “ Maybe you should talk to him.”
“ This used to be easy when they were little,” the robot said, as he leant forward and extended his hydraulic arms. He pulled, rather than lifted, Barry off the floor, and put him on a barstool.
Barry still had the giggles, so on Justtin’s instruction, Jeff sprayed him with a soda siphon.
“ What was that for?”
“ Four?” said Jeff. “ I only did it the once.”
“ Don’t start him off again, please Jeff,” said Justtin. “ Make yourself useful, and get me a three in one, will you.”
“ Sure,” said Jeff. “ What’s in it again?”
“ It’s very simple,” said Justtin. “ One part vodka, one part tonic and one part Duckham’s 20-50. I mean, it’s hardly rocket science.”
“ Sorry mate, I’m right out of Duckham’s,” said Jeff. “ Can I get you anything else.”
“ Don’t you have any engine oil?” asked Justtin.
“ Not much call for it round these parts,” said Jeff. “ What about chip fat? Best I can do, I’m afraid.”
“ Yeah, whatever,” said Justtin. “ And give him another pint of whatever he’s got.”
“ So that’s a substitute three in one, and a pint of JD and coke. That’ll be fourteen pounds, ninety pence please.”
“ Give the man some money,” Justtin said to Barry.
Barry did as he was told, without even thinking about it.
“ So,” said Justtin. “ What phone call?”
“ I don’t believe it,” Barry said.
“ What?”
“ Unbelievable,” Barry said.
“ Barry, I’m getting annoyed,” said Justtin, getting annoyed.
“ What. Oh yeah. It’s all a bit strange,” said Barry.
Justtin opened a small panel on his arm, and a small pair of pinchers slowly extended toward Barry’s arm.
“ Last chance,” said the robot.
Barry suddenly noticed the menacing pinchers getting closer to his arm, and decided to do some fast-talking.
“ I’ve had a call from some copper in Scotland, asking if I was related to a Dad Trotter,” said Barry.
Justtin wasn’t surprised. He always suspected that this would happen. He just didn’t know when.
Justtin was convinced that the squirrel wasn’t Barry’s dad, but it was difficult, trying to explain all this to Barry.
Even now.
And he never liked the squirrel anyway.
“ And?” Justtin asked.
“ He’s escaped from a mental institute. They were just warning me, in case he’s heading this way.”
“ Fair do’s,” said Justtin. “ But if it was your dad, I know he would find a way to contact us.”
“ Really? How?” asked Barry.
“ Just basic electric’s,” said Justtin. “ When you put your mind to it, you can make anything out of any old rubbish. That’s the first thing I would do, and I’m sure your dad would do the same.”
“ But how long would that take?”
“ It shouldn’t take too long,” said Justtin. “ It depends on what he has already, and what he needs to find.”
“ So what do we do in the mean time?”
“ We run these tests, and find out what the bands problem is,” said Justtin.
“ But what about dad?” asked Barry.
“ Which one?” asked Justtin.
“ Either,” said Barry.
“ Well, the way I see it, you’ve got a dad in Scotland, who any time now will send us a message to tell us his whereabouts.”
“ And dad the squirrel?” asked Barry.
“ Last I heard, he was still crapping in your laundry basket,” said Justtin.

Endeasters snippett.

Do what?
Cor blimey.
Would you Adam and Eve it!
Well, I'll be a monkeys Uncle!


more to be found on loopystuff.com when we're ready...ok?

Justtin

Chapter two

The Dog’s Testis


It was early evening when the van pulled into the drive at the front of Barry’s flat. As Barry looked at the windows, he realised all the lights were off and thought it a bit strange, but Aunt B had been on a money saving crusade, so naturally, Barry assumed she was sitting in the dark. It wouldn’t be the first time, or the last for that matter.
Zed got out of the van and went to let Justtin out of the back, while Barry went to open his front door. The door opened to complete darkness, but Barry knew his way around, so he didn’t bother switching the light on. The others came in behind him and edged him toward the living room door, without him noticing. He pushed the door open and switched on the light.
“ SURPRISE,” said a small crowd loudly.
Barry clutched his chest, but only as a cautionary measure, and also because he didn’t know what else to do.
“ What?” he said eventually.
“ Happy Birthday darling,” said mum, as she gave him a huge hug.
He’d completely forgotten. Barry looked at Zed and Penny, but they just stared at him with big grins on their faces.
“ You knew all along?” he asked.
Neither of them answered. There wasn’t any point. Barry already knew the answer to that.
Having slightly recovered from the shock, Barry took a look around the room at the faces staring back at him, and suddenly noticed the decorations and balloons hanging from the ceiling. He started to pay more attention to the amount of work that must have gone into it, and felt a bit choked. Aunt B had gone to extraordinary lengths to get everything just right, and he was going to enjoy the moment.
The decorations in the corner of the room moved very suddenly, and Barry noticed dad hanging upside down, with a sausage roll in his paws. I wonder where he’s been, thought Barry, but not for very long, as he was swamped by well-wishers.
Barry shook hands with friends, old and new, and people he’d never met before. They turned out to be friends of B’s, who had come along for the free booze.
Harold, his brother, was sitting in the same corner as dad, with a can of lager, and crumbs all over his shoulders and head. As Barry saw him, Harold raised his can and called above the noise.
“ Happy Birthday, bro.”
Barry waved a thank you, and continued to mingle.
He spoke to Jacob’s and Stevens, telling them he couldn’t remember the last time he saw them. But before either of them could reply, his mum dragged him off to the kitchen.
“ That’s a lovely award,” she was saying. “ You can put it with the others.”
“ What others?” Barry asked, slightly confused. He’d never won anything before.
“ The ones in the bedroom,” said mum.
“ But I…”
Mum stopped him by putting her finger to his lips.
“ Go and see,” she said.
Still confused, Barry went into his bedroom and switched the light on. On his bed was a pile of boxes, all wrapped in birthday paper.
“ Cool,” he said, and was about to start ripping the wrapping paper off, when mum came in behind him, followed by Zed, Penny, Justtin, Aunt B and Harold.
“ Before you start with the pressies,” said mum, “ please be careful with the box that has no paper on it.”
Barry stared at the box in question, and was convinced he saw it move.
“ Shall I open that one first?” he asked his mum.
“ That’s up to you,” said mum. “ But personally I would leave it till last.”
“ Why?” Barry asked.
“ You’ll see,” said mum.
He gave the box another quick glance, and still wasn’t sure if he’d seen it move or not. He was sorely tempted to open it first, but decided to ignore it for a while.
As Barry opened his presents, he came across a vibrator from Justtin. The tin man thought this was funny, especially as he’d asked Aunt B to buy it for him. Barry also opened his present from Zed and Penny. It was the latest in mobile phone technology, which allowed you to take pictures, and with the aid of the internet, forward the images to computers, or just simply send the images to another phone.
Aunt B had wrapped up a hammer in tin foil, and Barry thought this might be seen as some kind of threat toward Justtin. But then it might have been perfectly innocent. You could never tell with Aunt B.
Barry had opened most of his presents and had been given books, C D’s and a mini disc recorder, which he was particularly pleased with. Then it was time for the unwrapped box.
He picked the box up and was about to give it a shake, when mum stopped him.
“ No!” she said quickly.
“ Eh?” mumbled Barry.
Mum made Barry put the box down carefully, and picked the edge of the sellotape to get things started. Barry pulled the rest of the tape off, and the lid on the top sprang back. Barry fell backwards and held his breath. He looked at the box lid moving and wondered what the hell was going on. He leaned closer to the box and jumped again, as a small furry head poked its nose out.
“ What the fu…” exclaimed Barry, as he came face to face with a small, ugly puppy.
“ Awright?” asked the dog, but of course nobody heard him. Not even Justtin.
“ Ain’t it ugly,” said B. Justtin wanted to say something to wind B up, but he saw Barry glaring at him, so decided to leave it for another time. There’s plenty of time for that, he thought.
“ I think it’s brilliant,” said Barry. “ I’m gonna have to think of a name.”
“ What about pig ugly git,” offered B.
“ Don’t be nasty,” said Penny. “ I think it’s cute.”
“ Women,” said Zed. Penny gave him a gentle nudge in the ribs, just to let him know she was still there.
“ I’ve got a funny feeling about that dog,” said Justtin.
“ What do you mean?” asked mum.
“ I have a feeling he is going to be special in some way, but I’m not sure how. Yet.”
“ Well I don’t care,” said Barry. “ I think he’s great. I still need a name for him, and B is right. He is ugly, so I’ve decided to go on B’s advice.”
“ What? Pig ugly git?” asked Harold. “ Superb.”
“ Not quite,” said Barry, “ but if I use the initials, we have PUG. So Pug it is.”
“ Charming,” said Pug.
“ Welcome, Pug,” said Justtin.
“ Naff off,” said the dog. This is great, thought Pug. These twats can’t hear me.
“ Let’s leave Barry and Pug alone for a while,” suggested mum. “ It will give them a chance to bond. I could do with a drink.”
“ Me too,” said everyone, except Justtin, who was still trying to work the dog out.
“ I fancy cooking something special,” said B.
“ Not in my fucking kitchen,” said Barry.

***

The evening was still young when most people had left, so Barry asked Zed if he still fancied the idea of going to the pub for some karaoke, and after hours drinking.
“ Yeah, why not,” said Zed. “ You can take Pug and let him stretch his legs.”
“ Good idea,” said Barry. “ We can leave Penny and mum here to tidy up the mess.”
“ Don’t let Penny hear you say that,” laughed Zed.
“ Dad will probably eat the leftovers anyway,” said Barry.
“ I’m coming too,” said Justtin. “ It’s pub o’clock.”

***

Barry, Zed and Justtin sat in the Shakes, and wondered where Bert was.
“ He’s late,” said Barry, but nobody was listening.
“ 3, 2, 1,” said Justtin.
CRASH!!
The pub door came crashing in, and a body, all of a sudden like, lay slumped on the carpet, with a traffic cone on it’s head.
“ Too mush t’ drink pleashe barman,” said the cone.
“ Hello Bert,” said the pub regulars.
“ Wanker,” said somebody at the back.
Another Saturday night at the Golden Lamb had begun.
An hour after Bert’s usual entrance, the karaoke was in full swing, and Bert was performing his instantly forgettable version of Mac the Knife.
The only person taking any notice, was the guy who changed the discs, and he was getting impatient. He wanted to remove his earplugs.
When Bert had finally finished singing, if that is the term you use for what sounded like a car being dragged over gravel, on it’s roof, everybody returned to the pub from wherever it was that they’d been hiding.
Jeff the landlord, not wanting to leave the bar, mainly because of the thieving bastards on the other side, got up from his hiding place, and removed the soggy, chewed up beer mat from his ears.
The Essex Ambulance crew were sent away, happy in the knowledge that nobody had been run over, or more likely, strangled, and the Fire crew took the car cutting equipment back to the station.
Justtin came out from behind some dustbins, adjusting his waist.
“ Is it safe yet?” he asked.
“ I think so,” said Zed.
“ What were you doing behind there,” said Barry nodding at the bins.
“ Don’t ask,” said Justtin. “ But I think I’ve just had a dump.”
Barry looked astonished. He knew that Justtin was developing into a highly complex being, but at the end of the day, he was still a robot, and robots didn’t dump. Barry decided not to mention anything, until he had time to think about it.
“ Let’s go back and finish our beers, before Bert turns them sour,” said Zed.
“ Good idea,” said Justtin, as he headed back to the corner seat, where he’d left his three-in-one cocktail.
“ I don’t understand,” said Barry.
“ You don’t?” said Zed. “ I don’t understand robots, full stop. If you don’t understand what’s going on with Justtin, what chance do I stand?”
Barry went back to thinking about his new problem, while the karaoke got back to normal.

***

In it’s heyday, The Golden Lamb was known for its variety of up and coming talent. The Beatles and The Stone’s had both turned their collective backs on Romford, mainly because of the local talent.
Bert Hunter and the Hunted were the band in those days. They had done World tours. Well, W tours, anyway. Wembley, Wimbledon, Willesden and Walthamstow, were as good as it had got. Not exactly your Shea Stadium, but the Hunted were big, World famous even, in Romford. They told everyone they had seen the World, but if it didn’t start with W, they probably didn’t even know it existed.
Because of its brush with stardom, The Golden Lamb had a function room, built in the early 60’s. The room was a large rectangle shape, with a good size stage spreading from one side to the other, at one of the thin ends.
The function room had seen better days, but now, sadly, it was in desperate need of a coat of paint. A revival would help, but where would the funds come from?
Jeff, the pub landlord had a cunning plan, and Blackadders sidekick, Baldrick, hadn’t even been notified. He could use it as a rehearsal room. The room could be rented out to local bands, and with the income, the function room could be functional once more.
Within time.
The days turned to weeks, the weeks turned to months, and the months, inevitably, turned into years. Then, some of the years added another day and became even longer. Don’t you just hate that?
Jeff was beginning to give up hope, and had thought about taking the vacant function room sign out of the window, when, would you believe it, the phone rang.
“ Hello, Shakes,” said Jeff to the answered phone.
There was a short pause, but before Jeff could speak again, he heard,
“ Hoo ya.”
“ Anyone there?” asked Jeff.
“ Is dat de Jeff?” asked an Irish voice.
“ Yes, I’m Jeff. Can I help you?”
“ No, Oi’m far beyond dat dere help. But Oi understand you have a room for rehearsal,” the Irish voice enquired.
“ We do?” said Jeff. Then he backtracked and said, “ Yes, yes we do.”
“ Oi would loike to use it, if you don’t moind?” the Irish voice asked.
“ You would? Oh, you would. Oh yes, er good. I’m sure we can come to some kind of arrangement. So what have we got? A band or something?” asked Jeff rubbing his hands.
“ Oi’d rarder not say,” said the Irishman. “ It’s all koinda hush hush.”
“ No problem,” said Jeff. “ So when would you like to take the room?”
“ A.S.A.P. moy friend. Oi’ll be dere tomorrow wid a deposit.”
The phone went dead, and Jeff had his first booking.
“ New paint, new carpet, sound proofing,” Jeff was saying, as he went back to work with his happy little thoughts.
You get like that when you’re promised the earth.

***

There was little activity over the next few days, apart from the trucks coming and going at the Golden Lamb. But nobody seemed to notice, which was a little surprising, because the Romford community did like to keep their noses, firmly in each other’s business.
For Pat, the Irishman, this was perfect. The band had found somewhere that they would go largely unnoticed, at least for the time being.

***

Barry was sitting in the pub, when he realised that Pug had wandered off. It wasn’t the first time, so Barry wasn’t too alarmed. As he looked around for the dog, he noticed that all the doors were shut, except the one that led to the function room.
Barry naturally assumed that Pug had gone in that direction, so he got up to take a look.
The band had been quietly practising their new song, and Pug, being curious, went to investigate.
The closer Barry got to the room, the more curious he became. So he went to investigate as well.
He walked into the low, but large room, and spotted Pug sitting in the corner. Barry made his way around the various band equipment and cases, and without disturbing anyone, sat in the corner, and listened. He was moved.
“ You ain’t supposed to be in here. Clear off,” said Jeff the landlord.
“ Who are they?” asked Barry. “ They’re good.”
“ They’re called ‘ The Dog’s Testis’,” said Jeff.
“ Bit odd,” said Barry.
“ Yeah. They wanted to call themselves ‘ The Dogs Bollocks’, but they didn’t think they’d get away with it. But you’re right, they are good.”
“ Do you mind if I stay?” asked Barry.
“ Don’t ask me. See him,” said Jeff, pointing to the guitarist. A tall, lanky lad with a pony tail, answering to the name of Ade.
Barry sidled up to an unsuspecting musician and tapped him on the shoulder.
“ Alright?” said Barry.
“ Nah, but he is,” replied Ade, trying to be funny while pointing at the drummer.
“ Hahaha. Cracks me up every time,” said Mick the drummer man.
“ Yeah, hilarious,” said Barry without flinching. “ Look, do you mind if I sit in and listen?”
“ If you can,” said Ade. “ Yeah. I ain’t got a problem. Help yourself.”
Barry made himself comfortable, with Pug at his feet.
The band played, and Barry listened. They played some more, and Barry listened some more. Pug fell asleep, and Barry followed.
He hadn’t been asleep for long, but when Barry awoke, he noticed the band had gone. He hadn’t heard a thing. The music had been so numbing.
He hadn’t even noticed that somebody had sat down beside him until he looked up.
“ Hoo ya,” said the somebody.
“ Eh?” mumbled Barry, still half-asleep.
“ How’s it goin’?” said a thick Irish accent.
If wariness came in portions, Barry had a small piece.
“ I’m ok. Who are you?” he replied.
“ Pat’s de name, so it is. But you can call me what you loike. Oi’m harmless.”
“ Thank Christ for that. Barry’s the name. Pleased to meet you. Are you with the band?”
“ You’re not one of dem dere groupies, are you?” asked Pat.
“ Don’t be daft,” said Barry. “ This is my local. I just came in to listen to the band.”
“ And fell asleep,” said Pat.
“ Sorry about that. I couldn’t help it,” said Barry. “ It just sorta happened.”
“ Ah. Don’t get me wrong dere Barry. Personally, Oi don’t have de problem wid it. You see, dis is de band’s problem, so it is. It happens all de time. Whenever dey play to a loive audience, de loive audience becomes a dead audience. Dey just fall asleep. Dat’s why we’re here, so it is. De band are rehoising a new set, to see if dey can change de outcome. Obviously, it’s not woiking, so it isn’t.”
“ So, is it a problem?” asked Barry, incredibly naively.
“ You having a laugh,” said Pat. “ Only de biggest, so it is. We’ve put on showcases, inviting de top management, de best agencies, all de record companies and all de top brass you could imagine. But of course, as soon as de band starts playin’, people start yawnin’ and fallin’ asleep. At dis rate, dey’ll never get record deal.”
Barry thought for minute, and the name Justtin popped into his head.
“ This may seem a bit odd,” said Barry, “ but I might be able to help you.”
“ How’s dat?” asked Pat.
“ I have some specialist equipment in my possession. Do you mind if we give it a try?”
“ Oi tink de band will try anytin’,” said Pat. “ What do you have in moind?”
“ You leave that to me,” said Barry. “ I’ll be back soon. Before I go though, how come you’re not affected?”
“ Oi turn de hearing aid off,” said Pat.

***

Barry crossed the market, fighting his way through the crowd, with Pug just behind him. The market was its usual noisy Saturday afternoon, full of young and old alike, all bustling and jostling for that bargain they could never find.
As Barry entered the flat, he found Justtin sitting in the window and watching with interest. He was calculating.
“ Twelve over twenty-one, times three squared. Add that to there, mmm, mmm, and do that, and… FUCKING HELL.”
“ What’s the matter with you?” said Barry, walking into the living room.
“ Do you realise there are 15 people over the retirement age to every person under it?” claimed the robot. “ The buggers are taking over.”
“ That can’t be right,” said Pug, but nobody heard him, again.
“ That can’t be right,” said Barry.
Pug looked at Barry. He couldn’t have, could he? Pug thought to himself.
“ Why can’t it be right?” said Justtin, a little annoyed. “ My calculations are always right. 15-1.”
Pug was still looking at Barry. Maybe not, he thought.
Justtin showed Barry the calculations on his screen.
“ You must be slipping,” said Barry. “ You missed a decimal point.”
Justtin didn’t believe him, so he quickly recalculated.
“ It’s an easy mistake to make,” Barry was saying. “ On my reckoning, it shouldn’t be 15-1. More like 1/5.”
Barry looked at Justtin’s screen again, and blinked a couple of times, and there, flashing in front of him was 20.015%# X 4/$= Humphrey.
“ Maybe I’ve contracted a virus,” said Justtin.
“ Why now?” said Barry. “ I had a job for you.”
“ Like what?” Justtin asked.
“ That’s not important at the moment. I told you this might happen. You spend far too much time on the Internet. Run your anti-virus programme and see what it says.”
Justtin did as he was told, and they both waited.
Barry watched the screen on Justtin’s chest, as the programme did its thing.
“ Is it bad, doctor?” Justtin asked.
“ It could be a whole lot worse,” said Barry as he spied the telltale sign that told him Justtin had a virus.
“ What, you mean a worm?” asked Justtin.
“ That’s right. This time you’re in luck,” said Barry. “ It’s only a virus, and I can sort that out in minutes. Worms are different. They’re far more difficult to deal with.”
“ So what now?” asked the robot.
“ I’m going to shut you down for a few minutes, then when you reboot, we’ll have you back to normal.”
“ Can we hurry up then,” asked Justtin impatiently.
“ Why? What’s the hurry?”
“ I need to go back on the net and find out if I said anything I shouldn’t have to the nice little microwave I met in a chat room.”
“ You are impossible,” said Barry. “ Say night night Justtin.”
“ Night nigh…”

Magazine Title of the Month

The Cabbie. Self explanatory, if not then answer's on a postcard please.

Loopy Stuff.com

I had a great meeting with TW on wednesday about the progress of the site. There was so much to take in, that i came out of it with a head ache, but i found we were on the same wavelength, which helps i guess. This will be something special, I can feel it. We both chatted for almost 4 hours about how to do things which suited the site, and the idea of the site. If you call a website loopystuff then you expect loopy stuff and that's what we are both aiming at, but I've given TW a free range to go for it, to express himself and his idea's, as well as mine. We came up with some amazing stuff and I hope it shows when the site goes live. There are lots of things that still need work, but they are coming together nicely, if not slowly. But I have decided that great things take time, and this will be worth it. Will add another post when i get updated by TW.

Justtin

Part two

Chapter one

Pastures old

Now I bring you up to date.
It’s 25 years later, and nothing has changed. Well, some things have, but Barry is still a clumsy twat.
Justtin no longer relies on tracks to get him around, as Barry’s clever ability with anything electrical or mechanical, or bionical, or whatever you want to call it, means that the metal man now has legs. But during the complicated operation, Barry managed to weld his wristwatch to the inside of Justtin’s groin, and that’s where it remains. Brings a whole new meaning to a timepiece, I suppose. And to make matters worse, Justtin’s favourite saying before the operation was ‘ would you like to see my nuts?’ But now, due to Barry’s clumsiness, that can now be added to ‘ would you like to see my Rolex?’
The real problem is, that Justtin is totally serious. It’s not your normal, everyday chat up line. If Justtin wants you to see his Rolex, he means just that.
Barry’s knowledge of all things mechanical, apart from what he learned from his dad, was due to him finishing his education with an Honours Degree in Electrical Engineering, another in Computing Technology, and finally, a BA in Art and Technology Design.
All sounds pretty impressive, doesn’t it? A BA in Art and Technology Design. That means you can design something very technical, then paint it pretty colours afterwards.
Ok?
The story so far.
We have Barry, who has become a very intelligent young man, and Justtin, who now has legs, and is also sporting the new paint job he didn’t think he’d get. With a claret body, light blue arms, white legs and black feet, Justtin also has a big white number 6 on his back, with the letters MOORE above it.
But what about dad, Zed and Penny, B and mum, and all the others, I hear you ask?
Well, it’s 25 years later, and you can’t really expect them all to be alive, surely?
That’s right, some of them died. Some tragic, some not.
Aunt B is still with us, and she might be 90, but she still has an eye for the weird and wonderful. She’s probably wearing it right now. We shall see.
Due to various promotions, M.I.3. had become M.I.6. and Jacobs had become the top man, known simply as J, with Stevens as his faithful sidekick and drinking partner, known simply as Stevens.
As for Pat Bains, he’d left the organisation some years before to become a postman. He could be found in the Golden Lamb on market days, and claimed that his new job would help with his passion for stamp collecting. He was known simply as, that twat who reckons he was in the secret service.
Alas, Poor Old Nev, Ray, and Fergus didn’t make it this far.
Nev had a heart attack on the journey home from Scotland.
Ray took him to a hospital, south of Manchester, while the destruction by a T-34 tank was being investigated by the local police, but Nev was dead on arrival.
Ray was so heartbroken at losing his best friend, he joined him the following day.
Mr. Fishmonger was really pissed off about having to collect his van from the hospital car park. So pissed off in fact, that due to loss of concentration, he hit a lamppost outside the hospital, and decided to stay where he was, until he got better.
Fergus had nothing to stay for, so he returned to his native Ireland, where he got knocked down by a horse and cart, overtaking on the wrong side of the road.
He was better off dead. He wouldn’t have liked the centre parting that the cart had given him. A bit too wide.
So that leaves Bert, mum, dad, Zed and Penny.
Bert is easy to catch up with. He can still be found in the Golden Lamb, and feels very much at home there, now that he’s the same age as most of the other patrons. If this pub could be found in Eastbourne ( Pensioners capitol of Britain ), it would be full all the time, due to the pensionable aged population.
Not that the Shakes was ever empty. Saturday night was karaoke night, but we’ll leave that for a while.
Dad the squirrel is still around, which I’m sure will cause some confusion amongst the more educated.
How can a squirrel live for more than twenty-five years? I don’t know, but I have a theory, and this is it.
When Barry found dad, he was a red squirrel. Very rare. Did it ever occur to anyone, that the reason there are so many grey squirrels, and so few red ones is because, the same as humans, the hair changes colour. The red hair becomes grey through old age. Perfectly logical captain, but probably totally wrong.
Anyway, for this reason, dad the squirrel is still with us, and shares Barry’s flat, in Romford, along with Justtin and Aunt B. It’s a big flat.
As for mum, well there’s not much to add, because she plays such a small part in the whole story. She never did come to terms with the idea that dad was a squirrel, so she told Barry to look after dad, until she had more proof. So we’ll leave her at home, in the bustling metropolis, that is now Romford, looking after Barry’s younger brother, Harold.
So what about Zed and Penny I hear you say. Well, Zed is now a successful T.V. magician, whose speciality is cutting women in half. Or more accurate, one woman. Penny. Yes, you guessed. Zed and Penny are an inseparable item, and Penny is Zed’s T.V. sidekick.
Barry is convinced that Zed is scared of getting his arm broken, if he does anything stupid, like dump Penny. Zed insisted that this was not the case, but that didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy cutting her in half.
And as for Penny, she became a beautiful blond, with two black streaks in her hair, one each side of her head. The only visible signs of an incident that happened in a barn, 25 years before.
So, that’s everything up to date, I think.
Let’s get on with it, shall we.

***

Justtin had made himself comfortable on the train, as it left Waverley station, Edinburgh, for it’s journey back to London. He’d propped his huge frame in a corner, and put his feet on the chair opposite, much to the disgust of the old lady sitting next to his feet.
“ Hello sexy,” said Justtin, and he blew her a kiss.
Even more disgusted, the old lady got up to find somebody she could complain to, and another seat.
“ Justtin strikes again,” said Zed.
“ I had to,” said Justtin. “ You don’t get a chance like that everyday.”
“ She’ll probably come back with a guard, or something,” said Barry, still panicky, after all these years.
“ And what if she does,” said Justtin, opening one of his small panels, and extending an electronic prod. “ There’s enough power in this baby to floor a cow.”
He stopped and pondered that thought.
“ Oh bugger,” he said, “ I just let one get away.”
Barry thought that was hilarious and started to laugh.
Zed had a mouth of lager at the time, and he was trying desperately not to spray Barry, so he’d tried swallowing instead, but that only resulted in the beer coming out of his nose, which made Barry laugh even harder.
Justtin put his prod away and looked out of the window.
“ What are we going to do when we get back to Romford?” he asked casually.
“ Not too much,” said Zed. “ I’ve got to meet Penny at the studio in the morning. We start rehearsals for my new show. So I don’t want to go too far.”
“ I’ll probably go and see Bert,” said Barry. “ The old git enjoys the company.”
“ Sounds good to me,” said Justtin. “ Do they still do that 3 in 1 cocktail?”
“ There’s only one way to find out,” said Barry. “ If not, you’ll just have to re-invent it.”
“ Hang on,” said Zed. “ It’s Saturday.”
“ Ouch!” said Barry.
“ What?” said Zed.
“ You’re far too sharp for me,” said Barry. “ Yes, it’s Saturday. So what?”
“ Karaoke in the pub. Excellent.” Zed enjoyed a singsong.
“ Oh yeah,” said Barry. “ Ok, so what song are you going to do?”
“ Mustang Sally, what else?” said Zed. “ What about you?”
“ I dunno,” said Barry. “ I’ll see when we get there. What about you, Jus?”
“ Bits and pieces,” said Justtin. “ Story of my life.”
“ What about Metal Guru?” asked Barry.
Zed did that thing with his nose again, but all he really wanted to do was join in. He got there just before the moment had completely passed.
“ What about, He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother?” Zed spluttered.
Barry could see it coming, and came in with another.
“ Monster mash,” he said.
“ What about Iron Man?” said Zed, and he and Barry laughed some more.
“ Don’t mind me,” said Justtin. “ Just sitting here, minding my own.”
Barry was bored now, and sat polishing the award he’d received in Edinburgh, for designing an alarm clock.
Not any old alarm clock though. This had been designed for people who don’t like them. Imagine your alarm going off at 6 in the morning, telling you it’s time to get up, and face another gruelling day at the office, but you were in the middle of that nice dream you always have, and decide to take your frustration out on the clock. You pick it up, and throw it at the wall. The clock breaks, and you feel much better, only to forget to buy a new one, and you’re late the next day.
With Barry’s new alarm clock, this wouldn’t happen. He’d designed the clock with an outer coating of hard foam, so that if you threw it at the wall, it would bounce off, but it didn’t break. That meant you could be frustrated every morning.
Ingenious.
“ If you keep rubbing that,” said Justtin, “ you’re going to make a hole in it.”
“ That would suit you, wouldn’t it, Jus?” said Barry.
“ Not really,” said Justtin. “ I’m very choosy when it comes to things of the holey nature.”
“ Oh really?” said Zed, raising his eyebrows.
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ Wait until we get the chance, and you will see the master in action.
“ I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you,” said Zed, preferring to be at home with Penny.
“ Zed. Phone,” said Justtin, matter of factly.
Zed reached into his inside pocket for his mobile phone and stared at it.
“ 3,2,1,” said Justtin, as the phone started to ring.
“ It’s Penny,” Justtin said to Barry.
“ I know how you can tell there’s an incoming message or call, but how do you know who it is?” Barry wanted to know.
“ It’s all digital transmissions these days. It’s only a matter of breaking down the codes, then it gets easy.”
“ You’re amazing,” said Barry, really meaning it.
“ You better believe it,” said Justtin, “ coz you ain’t seen nothing yet.”
While Barry was thinking ‘smug bastard’, Zed said, “ Ok, bye.”
Barry looked at Zed and half expected trouble. Wrong again.
“ She’s picking us up at St. Pancras,” said Zed. “ We’ll be back in Romford by tea time.”
“ Cool,” said Barry. “ We’ll be in the pub just after tea then.”
“ Have to see what sort of mess dad has made this time,” said Justtin.
Barry shivered at the thought of the last time he’d left dad on his own. Dad had figured out how to use the telephone, and Barry had returned home to find lots of empty pizza boxes littering his living room. Bloody automated services, he thought.
“ Did Penny say if dad was ok?” Barry asked.
“ She said she’d been to the flat, but dad was out,” said Zed. “ He’s had a crap in the laundry basket again, but she said she wasn’t touching it.”
“ Oh great,” groaned Barry. “ As long as that’s all.”
Zed had spilt most of his beer out of his nose, and decided that now was a good a time as any, to get some more. So he went off to find the restaurant car.
Barry joined Justtin in watching the scenery go past. He suddenly had a thought.
“What’s Aunt B up to Jus?”
“ Cooking,” said Justtin, “ well, she’s in the kitchen, by the oven.”
“ Oh shit,” said Barry, and hastily removed his own mobile phone from his pocket. While punching in B’s number, he thought of the amount of times he’d had to get the builders in, after B’s adventures in the kitchen. He waited for the voice at the other end.
“ Hello deary,” said B, who said that to everyone, whether answering the phone, or greeting them in the street.
“ What are you doing in the kitchen?” Barry asked her.
“ Fried egg salad sandwiches with chilli sauce,” B replied.
“ Get away from the oven please Auntie,” said Barry as calmly as he could, which wasn’t much at all.
“ How do you know what I’m doing?”
“Justtin is with me, how else?” said Barry.
“ You tell that novelty swing bin to get off my back.”
“ You can tell him yourself,” said Barry, passing Justtin the phone.
“ What’s up, ugly,” said the robot, with a total lack of respect.
“ I’ll give you ugly,” screamed B at the phone, but Justtin was holding the phone at arms length, and in Justtin’s case, that meant out of the reach of everyone. As the robot pulled his hydraulic arm back in, the final words reached his hearing sensors.
“ Just get off my back,” she finished.
Justtin had a rough idea of what she had said, and he also had a rough idea of what he was going to say next.
“ Listen,” he said. “ I can’t get on your back until you have that hump removed.”
Aunt B was absolutely seething, and if you’ve ever seen those cartoons, where you see a character with steam coming out of its ears. Then picture B doing the same thing.
But Justtin hadn’t finished.
“ Is it true, that when you were young, you were so ugly, you had to be fed by catapult?”
Barry looked at Justtin, and just knew that this time he had over stepped the mark.
The tirade of abuse that followed, is mostly unprintable, but did contain the words shit, fuck, bollocks, wanker and fish.
“ You should hear what she’s saying about your dad,” said Justtin, holding the phone at arms length again.
“ I don’t have to,” said Barry. “ I can imagine.”
“ You must have a very vivid imagination then,” said Justtin, who had finally had enough and dropped Barry’s phone out of the window.
“ That was my phone,” said Barry.
“ Yeah, sorry about that. Take it out of my pocket money,” said Justtin.
“ What pocket money?” asked Barry, a little taken back.
“ Well, if you want your phone back, you’ll have to start giving me some pocket money.”
“ So I end up paying for my own phone,” said Barry.
“ Is that how it works?” said Justtin, with a wry metallic grin. “ Fascinating.”
“ You know damn well how it works,” said Barry. “ This constant battle between you and B is starting to cost me money. Why do you have to wind her up all the time?”
“ It stops me being bored,” said Justtin. “ Just imagine how much fun I have, thinking up new thing to insult her with.”
“ You’ll come unstuck soon,” said Barry.
“ I hope not,” said Justtin. “ It would cost you even more to stick me back together.”
“ You’re not taking this very seriously,” said Barry.
“ You think,” said Justtin. “ Look, all I’m doing is defending myself. She’s the one who starts the trouble. Anyway, she can’t keep it up. I mean, she’s got to die soon.”
“ That’s a horrible thing to say,” said a deeply hurt and disgusted Barry.
“ Yeah, you’re right,” said Justtin. “ I could always top her myself.”
“ What?” said Barry.
“ Here we go again,” said Justtin. “ I just thought it would put the coffin dodger out of her misery.”
“ What?” Barry couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “ So you think killing Aunt B is a good idea.”
“ It’s a start,” said Justtin. “ Just think, no more abuse.”
“ No way,” said Barry. “ You are not going to harm Aunt B, and I won’t be a party to it either.”
“ Not even a little bit?” asked Justtin.
“ Not even the smallest iota,” said Barry. “ It’s just not the done thing. You can’t go and murder somebody just because they get on your nerves.”
“ Seems very unfair,” said Justtin. “ I suppose I’ll have to think of something else.”
“ As long as it doesn’t involve someone getting hurt, maimed or dead, then I won’t have a problem with it,” said Barry. “ Anyway, it’s totally against the law.”
“ Who’s?”
“ Everyone’s,” said Barry. “ It’s just not allowed.”
“ It’s a bloody pity,” said Justtin. “ Just think of the good I could do.”
“ None whatsoever,” said Barry. “ We’re supposed to respect our elders.”
“ What. All of them?”
“ Yes,” said Barry. “ All of them. If Aunt B knew what you were thinking of, you’d end up being melted.”
Justtin shuddered.
“ Jeezus,” he said. “ She wouldn’t?”
“ I wouldn’t put it past her,” said Barry. “ She’s a very powerful woman, with a lot of contacts. You are just going to have to learn to get on.”
Justin went back to looking out of the window, deeply immersed in his own thoughts when Zed returned from the bar, with a carrier bag containing some more beers.
“ Have I missed anything?” he asked.
“ Not a lot,” lied Barry.

***

As the train rumbled in to St. Pancras, the trio were met by Penny. She hugged Barry as she always did, from a safe distance. She said hello to Justtin, who answered her with his usual response, “ Ah, Pennies from Heaven.” And as usual, Penny rolled her eyes, but she grabbed Zed and gave him a kiss, that said she hadn’t seen him for years, but in fact, it had only been two days. And as usual, Zed tried to pull away, but Penny kept a tight grip, and got her moneys worth.
They all walked to the waiting van, with Zed and Penny arm in arm. Justtin climbed in the back and strapped himself into his especially made seat, while the other’s got comfortable.
As Barry pulled the van door closed, he dropped his new award, which got trapped in the door. He reached down to pick it up and banged his head on the dashboard. As he put a hand up to his head, he knocked the gear stick, which made the van lunge forward, and smash into the back of a black taxi cab.
The driver got out of his cab, waving a fist at the van and shouting abuse.
“ Justtin, sort this out,” Barry said.
“ No problem,” said Justtin, who went quiet while concentrating.
Without warning, the black cab’s engine came to life, it put itself into gear, released it’s handbrake, and started to make it’s way toward King’s Cross station, with it’s driver in hot pursuit.
“ Nice one Jus,” said Barry.
“ Yeah,” said Justtin. “ It wasn’t bad, was it?”
They used the diversion to get themselves on the road to Romford, and within an hour, they were safely back in the haven they called home.

Justtin Update

I have decided to keep going with Justtin. So here comes Part Two of Book One.

Justtin Update

Chapter 14 is the last chapter of part one of Justtin. Part Two will follow shortly.

Justtin

Chapter fourteen

Finders keepers

“Hello you,” said Penny, stepping down from the tank.
Zed assumed by Penny’s tone, everything was going to be ok.
Silly boy.
As he reached out a hand to help her down, she grabbed his wrist, spun him around and pushed his arm up his back.
“ If you ever go off and leave me, ever again, I will break it. Understand?” she growled at him.
“ Yes,” Zed said weakly.
Barry was watching from where he and the others stood, and wondered what he was in for, but it never came. Not even a mention.
Zed was a little annoyed by that, but that’s his problem.
Justtin watched Barry and Zed talking to Penny.
“ Oh look,” he said to B. “ The good, the bad and the ugly.”
“ So, which is which?” asked B.
“ Take your pick,” said the robot. “ You all look alike to me.”
“ I hope you’re not referring to me as ugly,” said B.
“ You don’t smile very often, do you?” said Justtin, as an observational thing.
“ What’s smiling got to do with anything?” she wondered.
“ Smile, and the whole world smiles with you. Cry, and all you get is a tissue.”
“ Very deep,” said B. “ Did it take you long to think that up?”
“ Not really,” said Justtin. “ It’s all part of my programming. It’s one of dad’s sayings. I have it filed under really crap things to say.”
“ Not surprised,” said B, who went to join the rest of the group, to see what they were all talking about.
Details of their journeys were swapped over more cups of tea, while Bert and Fergus were in the local pub, making new friends.
“ Too much to drink please barman,” said Bert on his entrance. The barman eyed him suspiciously.
“ What did ye say?” said the huge Scotsman.
“ I was only asking for a drink,” said Bert, in his best cockney accent.
“ Well I don’t like yous. Yous talk funny.”
Bert wanted to argue about this, but couldn’t remember the words, so he stood there with his mouth opening and shutting like a goldfish, until Fergus told him to sit down.
“ Leave this to me,” said Fergus, and he spoke at length to the barman, finally returning to Bert with two pints of Heavy.
“ What did you say to him?” Bert asked.
“ Just told him you were a bit unstable, and that we wouldn’t out stay our welcome.”
“ Oh, well that’s alright then,” said Bert as he supped on his pint. The space shuttle was in full flight and going straight over Bert’s head.
“ Ooh, that’s good,” said Bert, draining his glass. Fergus enjoyed a drink, but he’d never seen anyone down a pint as quick as Bert.
“ I’ll get some more, shall I?” he asked Fergus.
“ I better do it,” said Fergus. “ Don’t want you to scare the locals.”
As Fergus went to refill the glasses, Bert looked out of the window to where the tank was taking up most of the café car park, and wondered what was going on. Not that he cared. As long as he had a pint in his hand, he was happy. Bert didn’t even know why he was there, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. He’d never been this far north, and he was determined to make the most of it. And making the most of it, usually meant drinking in every pub in the area, until he’d been barred from all of them.
So how come he’d never been barred from the Shakes I hear you ask? Bert didn’t have a clue, but he believed that the landlord at the Shakes understood him, and that other landlords weren’t so accommodating. The truth was, that the landlord at the Shakes, owed Bert a vast amount of money and he was worried that if he barred Bert from his pub, Bert would want his money back. He needn’t have worried though, because Bert had forgotten. Bert’s memory was non-existent, unless someone owed him a pint, and at this particular moment, he couldn’t remember who did.

***

Nev and Ray were taking a quick nap in the back of the van, while Penny, Zed, Barry and Aunt B discussed what they were going to do with Justtin.
“ Send him home,” said B.
“ Not an option,” said Barry, sternly.
“ Oh bum,” said B.
“ So what’s it gonna be?” asked Zed.
“ The only thing I can think of, is, he’ll have to go in the van,” said Barry.
“ They’ll be some way behind us, but Justtin can still guide us to dad. We’ll stay in touch with the walkie-talkie.”
“ You’re doing it again,” Justtin said, almost singing.
“ That’s right,” said Barry. “ We’re talking about you. But we’re not talking to you, so be quiet for a minute.”
“ Ooh, get him,” said the robot, who turned his attention to the tank, and decided it was time for a chat.
“ Hello,” said Justtin in a basic Russian dialect.
“ What do you want?”
“ Just being polite,” said Justtin.
“ S’pose you want to hear my life story,” said the tank.
“ Not really,” said Justtin.
“ Ok. So shut up and listen,” the tank said and started to tell the robot of the hard times behind enemy lines. Of how she was built in Tankograd, in eastern Russia, during the early stages of World War 2, by women whose men-folk were fighting on the Russian front, pushing toward Berlin. How the women, and their children, worked all the hours they could, for little or no pay, just to put a loaf of bread on the table.
“ Yawn,” went Justtin.
“ Am I boring you?” the tank asked.
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ Loads.”
“ Never mind,” said the tank, and went on about how she was shipped to the front, but somehow ended up on the wrong train, and was shipped out of southern Italy, only to find herself, several months later, in a dark cave, where some crazy old lady would take her out once a month, to fill her up and put some oil in the engine.
Justtin had had enough.
“ I’ve heard this bit,” he said. “ It was boring then, and it still is now.”
He headed back towards the others, as Barry came toward him.
“ You ok, Jus?” Barry asked.
“ Yeah, no problem. Just don’t ever talk to Russian tanks. They’re more boring than a large drill.”
“ I’ll remember that,” said Barry, not listening. “ Anyway, we’ve sorted out what we are doing, and we’ll be leaving soon. It’s time for you to go back in the van, I’m afraid.”
“ Anything,” said Justtin. “ Just keep me away from that…thing.”
Barry looked at the tank and scratched his head. He couldn’t see what all the fuss was about.
“ What, that old thing?” he said to Justtin. “ Seems harmless enough to me.”
“ Harmless? You pillock, Barry. It’s a bloody tank. That’s the most least harmless thing here. I think.”
Barry thought about what Justtin had said, but it didn’t make sense to him either, so he ignored it.
“ Do you want to know what we’re going to do?” Barry asked the robot.
“ Let me guess,” said Justtin.
“ You probably heard anyway.”
“ That’s right, but even when I know the answer, I still like to play guessing games.”
“ Go on then, but hurry up.”
“ I’m going in the van with the old people, while you go in the tank with the crazy woman. Am I right or what?”
“ Spot on,” said Barry.
“ Yesss!” said Justtin, as he punched the air with delight.
“ Now, can we hurry up.”
“ Right on,” said Justtin.
Aunt B was staring at Nev and Ray, snoozing in the van, when she spied the gold coins.
“ I’ve got some like that,” she said.
“ I’ve seen them,” said Zed, “ but yours are much nicer.”
“ Where did they come from?”
Zed thought quickly, not wanting to get Barry into trouble.
“ We found them last night,” he lied. “ Just before you got here.”
Aunt B thought about it for a second, but whatever she was thinking soon went out of her head.
“ Yes, you’re right,” she said. “ Mine are much nicer. Oi, you two. Wake up. It’s time to go.”
Nev and Ray slowly came to life, while Barry and Justtin went to the pub to get Fergus and Bert. Bert had only had four pints and was half way through his fifth when Barry tapped on the pub window. The landlord looked up and saw Justtin in the car park.
“ Wash thart?” he said in his thick Scottish accent.
“ That, my friend, ish a robot,” said Bert, in his own slurry way. “ Anybody would think he’d never sheen one before.”
“ Wash it for?” the landlord asked.
“ For doing robot shtuff,” said Bert.
“ Come on,” said Fergus. “ It’s time to go. Say bye-bye Bert.”
“ Bye-bye Bert,” said Bert as he was dragged out of the pub. “ Bloody nice people. They didn’t throw me out.”
They got into the back of the van, and Bert instantly fell asleep. Fergus moved Bert over to one side so that Justtin could get in. The rear doors closed and they were ready to leave.
“ All aboard,” called Aunt B, and the kids scrambled onto the tank. With Penny at the controls, the tank moved towards the road.
“ Which way?” she asked Barry.
“ I don’t know,” Barry replied.
Fergus called out of the van window and pointed north, and on his instruction, the van, followed by the tank, hit the road.

***

Justin was scanning for dad’s signal, but so far he hadn’t found anything.
“ I didn’t think it would take this long,” said Barry, as he sat huddled in a corner of the tank.
“ How far are we from the crash site?” he asked Justtin on the walkie-talkie.
“ According to my information, the site is just over one hundred and twenty miles from here. If, as you suspect, your dad used the ejector seat, and allowing for wind speed and direction, we should be getting a signal any time now.”
“ So how long will it take us to get there?” Barry asked.
“ By road, about four hours. If you take the tank across country, then you’re talking about three hours,” said Justtin.
“ As long as that?”
“ Afraid so,” said Justtin. “ But look on the bright side,”
“ Is there a bright side?” Barry interrupted.
“ Yes,” said Justtin, “ the scenery is fantastic.”
“ Oh,” groaned Barry. Justtin was absolutely right, but Barry couldn’t have cared less about the scenery, or anything else for that matter. He just wanted to find his dad.
Fergus was studying the map with the robot, and Justtin pointed to a spot on the page where he believed the plane had come down.
“ The tank will have to cut across from there,” Justtin said pointing to another spot on the map, where a small road crossed a river, about fifty miles further ahead.
“ You better tell them then,” said Fergus.
Justtin spoke to Penny, who had a walkie-talkie sellotaped to the side of her head. The robot gave her directions and told her that he would let her know when it was time to leave the road.
“ It may be sooner than you think,” she said. “ This road is getting skinny.”
“ Skinny?” Barry repeated.
“ I think she means thinner,” said Zed.
“ That’s it,” said Penny. “ Thinner, yes.”
Barry stuck his head out of the turret and had a look around.
“ If we have to, we could use the fields on our left,” he said.
“ Yes, yes,” said Aunt B. “ Turn left now.”
Penny did as she was told, and drove straight through somebody’s garden fence. As the tank demolished the beautiful front lawn, two ponies that had been happily grazing in the garden had now bolted and were heading down the road, from where the tank had come. Knocking down, and crushing a few garden ornaments, the tank lumbered forwards, sending ducks and geese flying, as it crashed though a small pond.
“ Now we’re for it,” said Barry, forever worried.
“ Well, it’s gonna take ‘em ages to make a complaint,” said Zed.
“ Why?” asked Barry.
“ Coz we’ve just cut their phone line,” said Zed.
“ Oh great,” said Barry. “ Something else to worry about.”
“ Why?” said Zed. “ You don’t pay the bill. S E P.”
“ S E P?” said Barry, a little baffled.
“ Yes, S E P,” said Zed. “ Somebody else’s problem.”
“ He he,” Barry laughed. “ I’ll remember that.”
For the next half an hour, the tank rumbled through the countryside, scaring the daylights out of the wildlife. The boys had never seen deer before, and even now they could only see the backs of them, as the huge beasts ran away.
Justtin asked Penny to stop, so he could talk to Barry.
“ Got it,” said the robot, out of the blue.
“ Got what?” asked Barry.
“ What you’ve been waiting for,” said Justtin. “ It’s your dad’s signal. It’s very faint, but it’s definitely him.”
“ At last,” said Barry, showing his obvious excitement. “ How far?”
“ Just over a hundred miles, that way,” said Justtin, pointing further north.
“ But that’s not all. I’ve got a second signal. Your mum is close to your dad.”
“ How did she know where to look?” asked Barry. Everyone was listening to what was being said, but nobody had an answer.
“ They’re about two miles apart,” said Justtin, “ and your dad is on the move.”
“ Toward my mum, or the other way?” Barry wanted to know.
“ Difficult to tell from this distance,” said Justtin. “ But if I was your dad, I’d keep moving.”
“ Why did you say that?” Barry asked, not understanding.
“ Your mum is carrying a child, and I got the feeling when I met her, that she is not too pleased.”
Barry went very quiet. Mum? Baby? Barry didn’t get it. Was this supposed to happen? Why didn’t Justtin say something before?
“ Cause for celebration,” said Bert, opening a warm can of beer he’d found in the van.
“ Congratulation’s” said Nev and Ray.
“ Cheers,” said Fergus, joining Bert.
“ Wow,” said Penny. “ This is great.”
“ Nice one,” said Zed, patting Barry on the back.
“ Why are you congratulating me?” said Barry. “ I didn’t do anything.”
“ I hope it’s better looking than you,” said Aunt B, meaning well, but always managing to say something the wrong way.
Barry didn’t even notice. He was far too busy with his thoughts.
“ Why didn’t you tell me before?” he asked Justtin.
“ It’s an old cliché, but you didn’t ask,” said Justtin. “ Besides, it not up to me. Your mum had plenty of opportunity to tell you herself, and chose not to.”
“ Maybe she forgot,” said B.
“ Not something this important,” said Barry. “ She wouldn’t keep this a secret. It’s too big.”
“ She has her reason’s,” said Justtin. “ You’ll have to ask her when we see her.”
Barry thought about that, while the others climbed back aboard the vehicles.
“ I have one other question,” the boy said.
“ It’s a boy,” said Justtin, guessing correctly.
“ Wow,” said Barry. “ A baby brother. I wonder what they’ll call him?”
“ As long as it’s not Colin,” said B. “ I can’t stand that name. Brings back too much pain.”
But no one was listening, as the van doors closed and the tank roared back to life.
“ Follow that signal,” said Justtin.

***

The signal was getting stronger as they neared the crash site, but Justtin was having a problem getting a good fix on it.
“ This is not right,” he said, almost to himself, but Ray was listening.
“ Do you have a problem?” he asked the tin man.
“ Dad’s signal is not doing what it’s supposed to. It stops for long periods, then moves about in a small square. No more than twenty square feet. I’m not sure what to make of it.”
“ Ok,” said Ray. “ Let’s not say anything to Barry for now. I think he’s got enough to worry about.”
“ Fair enough,” said Justtin.
“ Just keep track of it, and we’ll see what happens when we get there.”
“ I’m not sure we will,” said Justtin. “ The tank is going to have to go it alone soon. The road ahead is not easy going for this van.”
“ Will the kids be alright on their own?” asked Ray.
“ I would like to think so. I can guide them to where the signal is coming from, but I’ve no idea what they will find when they get there.”
“ Where’s Barry’s mum?” asked Ray.
“ She’s a couple of miles away from the site. She’s not moving, so I can only assume she’s sitting in her car.”
“ Well, if she can get that close by car, why don’t we go there?” asked Fergus.
“ Sounds good to me,” said Justtin. “ I’ll tell the other’s.”
It didn’t matter where Barry sat, he was always banging his head on something, as the tank bounced up and down in the fields. The monotony was broken, briefly, by Justtin’s voice coming over the walkie-talkie.
“ Hi, it’s me,” he said.
“ Is it?” said B. “ How nice for you.”
Barry was getting a little tired of the war of words between Justtin and his Aunt. He snatched the walkie-talkie from B and glared at her.
“ Can you just leave it?” he asked.
“ I doubt it,” said B. “ He said I’ve got a big bum.”
“ That was ages ago,” said Barry.
“ That’s right,” said B. “ An elephant never forgets.”
“ Elephants have got big arses too,” said Justtin.
The tank filled with laughter at Aunt B’s expense.
“ I’ll get the bugger for that,” she said.
“ What’s up, Jus?” asked Barry.
“ Clouds,” said Justtin, trying to maintain his funny streak. The only person who laughed was B, and that wasn’t the effect that Justtin was looking for.
“ It wasn’t that funny, fatso,” said Justtin.
“ That’s right, dustbin head,” replied B.
“ Will you both shut up,” yelled Barry, trying to get some kind of order, but just like everything else he tried, he wasn’t doing very well.
“ You’re supposed to be in charge,” he said to Zed. “ Can’t you do anything?”
“ Your robot, and your Aunt. That makes it your problem.”
“ That’s a great help,” said Barry. “ What did you want, Jus? Apart from verbally abusing Aunt B.”
“ You’re going to have to go it alone soon. The van can’t get much closer to the crash site, so we are going to drive down a small lane to where your mum is parked. You can take the tank all the way to the site, if you take a left in about a hundred yards time. I will guide you from there.”
“ Ok,” said Barry, as he passed on the instructions to Penny.

***

It had been almost a week since the Harrier had crashed, and the Ministry had done their best to clear away the debris, but there were still tell-tale signs. The huge Harrier shaped hole in the ground was a dead give away. It looked like a giant hot dog had been dropped from a huge height, with the bun, but without ketchup. Add your own onions.
The surrounding area was mostly rolling hills and fields, with a few trees scattered here and there. The different shades of green waved in the light breeze of early autumn, and the weather became colder, as the evening sun began to set.
Penny drove the tank to where Justtin had said the site would be, and had no problem finding somewhere to park. As the tank rolled to a stop, the kids jumped down, glad to be on solid ground again.
“ What now?” Zed asked Barry.
“ I guess we get Justtin to guide us to dad,” said Barry.
“ It’s getting dark,” said Penny. “ Can’t we leave it till the morning?”
“ What, after coming this far?” said Barry. “ You can stay here if you want, but I’m going to find my dad. You coming?” he asked Zed.
“ Yep,” said Zed. “ That’s what friends are for.”
“ I’ll stay here with the lass,” said B. “ My old legs are not up to it.”
“ Fair do’s,” said Barry. He spoke into the walkie-talkie.
“ Which way are we going Jus?”
“ Up the hill in front of you,” said Justtin. “ The signal is coming from up there.”
Zed looked up the hill, and wondered what he was getting himself into. Barry, on the other hand, was full of courage, zest, spirit, bravery, grit, guts, pluck and all the others you can find in a thesaurus. It was time to find his old man, and Barry was up for the challenge.
“ Bugger that,” he said. “ We’ll start in the morning.”
“ Cool,” said Zed.
As the night crept in, they all huddled together in the tank and tried to get some sleep.
All except Zed.
He was trying to send Barry subliminal messages.
‘ Let’s go home. Let’s leave this place and go home. He’s not here anyway. Let’s go home,’
“ Go to sleep Zed,” said Barry. “ It’s going to be a long day tomorrow.”
“ You heard my thoughts?” asked Zed, flabbergasted.
“ No,” said Barry. “ You’re playing with yourself, and it’s bloody irritating.”
“ Oh,” said Zed, who went a fantastic shade of red and eventually, got himself as comfortable as he could, then promptly fell asleep, exhausted.
Aunt B had removed her boots to stretch her toes, all five of them, and, of course, Barry, being the only one awake, had two new problems to deal with.
Firstly, the horrendous stench that filled the confined space they were in.
Secondly, by removing her boots, she had, unknowingly, armed the leg launcher, and this was keeping Barry awake. If she banged her knee on something, they would all be organ donors, and that was only if the rescue services could get to them quick enough. He tried his best to get out of the tank, but Zed was lying on his legs, so that was out of the question. He tried farting, but that didn’t help either. It managed to move Zed, just enough to move one of his legs, but that was the only effect that the fart had.
The only thing he thought he could try and do, was attempt to get her boot back on. But the closer he got to the offending foot, the worse the smell got, and with Zed pinning him down, Barry was grateful that he couldn’t get any closer.
After a lot of struggling, Barry managed to get the welly over the end of Aunt B’s rocket launcher/make shift leg, and with the help of his free foot, he pushed the boot on, and broke the connection.
He lay there as exhausted as Zed was moments before, with sweat burning into his eyes. He closed his eyes against the pain, and within minutes, Barry fell asleep.

***

Two miles away, Nev parked the van next to mum’s car, and looking through the window, he noticed she was asleep on the back seat. Well, she had been asleep, but the sound of the vans worn out engine had filtered through her dream, so she sat up and looked out of her slightly steamed up window.
Fergus was peering in at the same time, which made mum jump.
“ Jaysus, they’re huge,” he said, staring at mum’s breasts.
“ Told you didn’t I,” said Justtin.
“ Do you mind?” said mum, getting out of the car. She wasn’t too happy with a seven-foot robot and an old Irishman, discussing her enormous tits.
“ And you can pack it in as well,” she told the author.
“ Sorry,” I said.
“ What’s going on?” she wanted to know.
“ We came up with the kids, and found you,” said Fergus.
“ So where are they?” she asked.
“ On the other side of that hill. We’ve traced his signal to here,” said Justtin.
“ To where?” said mum, looking around for dad, and not seeing him.
Justtin pointed up the hill with a large metal arm.
“ He’s up there somewhere,” said the robot. “ I can get a fix on him, up to a few feet, but then it’s up to the kids.”
Everyone looked up the hill in front of them, except Fergus. He was too busy, still staring at mum’s breasts.
“ It’s huge,” said mum.
“ Just what I was thinking,” said Fergus.
“ So who’s going up there?” mum asked.
“ Barry and Zed,” replied Justtin.
“ On their own?” said mum in a concerned voice.
“ Barry is a very determined young man.”
“ Just like his dad,” said mum. “ So, these badges really work?”
“ That’s how we found you,” said Justtin.
Mum wasn’t convinced that the boys should go on their own.
“ Can we get to the children?” she asked.
“ By foot? Yes, you only have to follow the base of the hill. The tank is two miles that way. Unfortunately, I must stay here.”
“ Why?” she asked the robot.
“ The terrain is too rough for my tracks,” said Justtin. “ And there’s a small stream to cross. Wouldn’t do my circuits much good.”
“ I thought you were meant to protect at all costs?” said mum.
“ And that’s exactly what I have done, up till now, “ said Justtin. “ But I don’t think he has anything to worry about.”
“ There could be sabre tooth badgers up there,” said Fergus.
“ Or bats,” said Nev.
“ They wouldn’t come out during the day,” said Ray. “ They’re nocturminal.”
“ Nocturnal,” corrected Justtin. “ He’ll be ok. And if they do have a problem, they will still be in contact via the walkie-talkie.”
“ I’m going to make my way to the tank,” said mum. “ Anyone else?”
“ I’ll go,” said Fergus, who hoped to stare at mum’s boobs for a bit longer.
“ And me,” said Nev, thinking the same thing.
“ I have a question,” said Justin to mum. “ Why did you come here?”
“ This is where the Ministry found the ejector seat,” she answered.
“ That’s very impressive,” said Nev.
Fergus looked at Nev, but decided not to add anything.
“ Just as I thought,” said Justtin. “ It must have been blown here by the wind. But why is the signal coming from up there.”
“ I guess we’ll find out tomorrow,” said mum.
She went to the back of her car and opened the boot, and pulled out a gun harness. Mum strapped it on over her shoulders, which separated her breasts, almost the same way a seatbelt does.
Fergus was watching her, and seeing this made his eyes bulge. Look at the size of those, he thought.
She checked the gun to see if it was loaded, then picked up a small torch, which she switched on and off. That works, she thought. She also took out a small walkie-talkie and spoke to it.
“ Justtin, can you here this?”
“ Of course,” said Justtin.
“ Good,” mum replied. “ I’m joining the kids. I’ll be as quick as I can. Just keep scanning the area. I need a pinpoint area for dad. Let me know when you have something.”
“ I’ll do what I can,” said Justtin.
Harriet rummaged around in the boot of her car and once she had everything she needed, she spoke.
“ Right, so who’s ready to go?”
Nev and Fergus nodded eagerly, to say they were ready, and having said goodbye to the others, mum, Nev and Fergus started their trek towards the tank, as the night sky settled in.
Bert looked at the giant robot and only had one thing on his mind.
“ Is there a pub close by?”
Justtin scanned the area and came up with a target.
“ Go back to the road and turn left. It’s about three miles.”
“ Well, we could take the van,” said Bert, hopefully.
“ No,” said Justtin. “ I need to use the van for shelter. I don’t want my circuits to rust. Also I must remain here, in case there’s a problem.”
“ Well, what about the car?” asked Ray.
Bert tried the handle and the door swung open. He crawled around inside the car, looking under the seats and in the glove compartment.
“ No keys,” he said.
Justtin turned his attention to the car, and it suddenly sparked into life.
“ One of these days, you’re gonna have to show me how you do that,” said a very impressed Bert.
“ Mind over matter,” said Justtin.
“ Really?” said Bert.
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ I didn’t mind, and you certainly don’t matter.”
With Ray and Bert on their way to the pub, Justtin decided to switch himself to standby mode, which would allow him to recharge his batteries, but also be alert enough to here a voice, if it came.

***

“ Too much to drink please, barman,” said Bert for an opener.
“ Eh?” said the barman, giving Bert a strange look.
“ Do you always say that?” asked Ray.
“ What else is there?” said Bert.
The barman looked at both of them, and didn’t understand a word they had said. Ray pointed to a beer tap and held up two fingers. The barman understood that, and made himself busy.
“ They seem to have a problem understanding us, up here,” said Ray.
“ I always thought that ‘too much to drink please’ was universal,” said Bert.
“ I may have to come up with something else.”
“ I have a question for you,” said Ray, out of the blue.
“ Go on then,” said Bert.
“ Are you ready?” said Ray. Bert nodded.
“ Ok,” said Ray. “ What would you rather have, Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?”
Bert gave this some thought, but to Bert there was only one logical answer.
“ It’s quite easy when you think about it.”
“ So, which would it be?” asked Ray.
“ Personally,” said Bert, “ it would have to be Parkinson’s. It’s better to spill some of your beer than forget where you left it.”
“ That’s exactly what I said,” said Ray.
They were given their drinks, and Ray paid for them. The pub was almost empty, but for a small group of men sitting by an open log fire. Bert and Ray nodded to the men as they made their way to a seat near the window. After a quick discussion, one of the men went over to Bert and Ray.
“ You’re not from around these parts, are you?” said the man in a southern accent.
“ And neither are you,” Ray guessed correctly. “ My name’s Ray, and this is Bert.”
“ Good evening to you both. I’m Jacobs. That’s Stevens and Bain’s,” said Jacobs pointing to the Ministry men. “ What are you doing in these parts?”
“ We’re here to help…”
Ray stopped Bert.
“ Just travelling,” said Ray. “ Minding our own business.”
“ Sorry if you’ve got the wrong impression,” said Jacobs. “ It’s just that we are investigating a plane crash in this area, and wondered if you knew anything that might help.”
Bert looked at Ray, but Ray was trying to not give anything away.
“ What, the jump jet?” he said, and instantly kicked himself.
“ The very same,” said Jacobs. “ What do you know?”
“ It crashed,” said Bert.
“ How do you know it crashed?” asked Jacobs.
“ Coz you told us,” said Bert.
“ No I didn’t. I said we were investigating one,” said Jacobs.
“ It was probably Barry then,” said Ray, again kicking himself.
“ Who? Barry Trotter? He’s here?”
Jacobs looked at Stevens and Bain’s, who both got up to join them.
“ Yes, Barry’s here. Look, what is all this about?” asked Ray.
“ Yes, I’m trying to enjoy my beer,” said Bert.
“ Let me explain,” said Jacobs. “ We’re from MI3. Barry’s mum and dad both work with us. We’re up here looking for Barry’s dad, but so far we haven’t had much luck.”
“ You as well?” said Bert. “ That’s why we’re here.”
“ That’s right,” said Ray.
Almost as a celebration, Bert went and got another round in, using sign language, while Ray did his best to bring the agent’s up to date.
“ So Justtin is here as well?” Jacobs asked. “ Well that should speed things up a bit. I sometimes wish that dad had had the time to share his technology with the Ministry. We would have found him by now.”
Bert returned from the bar with a tray full of small glasses full of Scotch, Vodka, Brandy, Gin and anything else that comes in an optic.
“ What’s this?” asked Ray, as the agents looked bemused.
“ I dunno what you did,” said Bert, “ but I couldn’t get the bloke to understand me, so I just pointed. It was easier.”
“ Fair enough,” said Ray, and they all drank into the wee small hours.

***

Mum, Nev and Fergus trudged through the countryside at the base of the hill. Luckily, the ground was firm, due to the dry spell that the entire country had recently had.
They’d had to cross a small stream, as Justtin had said, but the only real problem that they had encountered, was the fact that the two old boys were struggling to keep up with a very determined mum.
She got fed up with waiting for them in the end, and eventually went ahead on her own.
This presented Nev and Fergus with a small problem. They didn’t have a torch, and they could only just make out the small beam of light from mum’s torch, in front of them. They followed the direction of the light for as long as they could, but it wasn’t long before their tired eyes could no longer see where they were going.
“ I thought it was only a couple of miles,” said Nev.
“ I was thinking the same thing,” said Fergus.
“ Bloody liar,” said Nev. “ The only thing you were thinking about were those tits.”
“ Can’t deny it mate,” said Fergus. “ Fantastic aren’t they.”
“ That’s as maybe,” said Nev, “ but we’re here to help the kids. And you can help by taking your mind off the lady’s boobs.”
“ Consider it done,” Fergus lied. “ So what are we going to do now?”
“ Well, the light disappeared that way, so we will just have to go in that direction and hope we don’t walk straight past the tank.”
“ Sounds good to me,” said Fergus. “ But you can go in front.”
“ Why?” said Nev.
“ Because if we do find the tank, I want you to walk into it before me.”
“ Nice,” said Nev.
They headed to where they had last seen the light and hoped for the best. With Nev walking in front with his hands outstretched, and Fergus directly behind him with his hands on Nev’s shoulders, the two of them stumbled towards the tank.
Meanwhile mum was pushing on, and with a sweep of her torch, she made out the shape of the tank.
“ At last,” she said to herself, and reaching the side, she stopped to catch her breath.
She propped her torch on the top of the tank’s body, and sat down beside it.
“ There,” said Fergus, pointing forward to where the light suddenly appeared.
“ Where?” said Nev, sharply turning his head, and banging his head on Fergus’s arm, breaking his nose.
“ Ow. Bollocksp,” yelled Nev. “ Thab hurtsp.”
“ Shhh,” said Fergus. “ You’ll wake up the badgers.”
“ Badgersp are docturbal,” said Nev.
“ See, you’ve woken them already,” said Fergus.
With Nev holding his nose, and Fergus holding Nev, the pair made their way toward the light.
On reaching the tank, they both sat down next to mum. Nev was still holding his nose, and blood was dripping through his fingers, onto his lap. Mum gave him a tissue and told him to tip his head back, and pinch the top of his nose. Nev did as he was told, without an argument.
“ Ta,” was the best that he could manage without sounding like an animal.
They all sat quietly, with their own thoughts, and waited for dawn. She never turned up, but it did start to get light, so that was good enough.
Barry was the first to stir, and after freeing himself from the tangled mess inside the tank, he stood up and pushed up the hatch.
“ Hello sleepy head,” said mum, as she appeared in the daylight.
“ Holy shit!” said Barry, as he fell backward and landed bum first on Zed’s head.
“ I wish people would stop doing that to me,” said Barry, clutching his chest.
“ You wish,” said Zed rubbing his head.
“ Where did you come from?” Barry asked his mum, as he climbed out of the tank and jumped off the side, only to lose his footing and fall sideways. He put his hands out to cushion his fall, only to find Nev’s face in the way.
Crack! went Nev’s nose again.
“ Thanks,” said Nev. “ That’s straightened it.”
Barry looked at his mum and waited for an answer.
“ Over there,” she said pointing to the other side of the hill.
One by one, the others slowly emerged from the tank, and went off in different directions, to find somewhere private to relieve themselves.
One by one, they slowly returned to the tank, to find Nev and Fergus sitting by a small fire, and cooking a breakfast of eggs and bacon, and also a large pot of coffee was boiling nicely.
Barry wasn’t in the mood for eating. He just wanted to get started, so he asked Zed if he was ready, but Zed made it clear that he was eating with the others, and suggested that Barry do the same. Reluctantly, Barry agreed, and sat down to eat eight rashes of bacon and six fried eggs, eight slices of bread and two pints of coffee.
“ Easy tiger,” said Fergus. “ This stuff will put hairs on your chest.”
Barry looked down the front of his shirt, but nothing seemed out the ordinary, so he jumped up and urged Zed to get to his feet.
“ Where do you think you’re going?” mum asked.
“ That way,” said Barry, looking at the hill.
“ Not without me you’re not,” said mum.
Barry felt a sense of relief. It wasn’t what he was expecting, but he was glad to have the company. The extra help was always welcome, and he couldn’t think of anyone else he’d rather have along.
“ Cool,” said Barry. He picked up a walkie-talkie and switched it on.
“ Wakey-wakey Justtin,” he said.
“ Wash up?” said Justtin.
Barry didn’t know what to make of it. He looked at his mum for some sort guidance, but all she did was raise her hand to her mouth, in a gesture that suggested that Justtin had been drinking.
Barry knew this wasn’t possible, and that made it all the more difficult to understand. Barry wasn’t sure how to approach the subject, but gave it a go anyway.
“ Justtin, are you ok?”
“ Can you hear the noise in this van?” Justtin replied.
Barry listened as hard as he could, and through the speaker, he could make out the sound of very loud snoring.
“ This is what I’ve had to put up with for four hours,” said Justtin. “ The smell in this van is worse than B’s foot. The alcohol fumes are enough to start a car, and I think they’re affecting my speech circuit. Hang on, I’ll get out.”
Justtin opened the rear doors, lowered the ramp and slowly made his way out of the van.
“ Where did they go?” asked Barry, intrigued.
“ To a local pub,” said Justtin beginning to sound a bit clearer.
“ How did they get there?” asked mum.
“ Er, yeah. Sorry about that,” said Justtin. “ Your car isn’t very well.”
“ What do you mean?” mum asked.
“ The last time it was seen, it was upside down, and heading down the river toward the sea.”
“ Is that going to cause a problem?” Barry asked his mum.
“ Not if you like walking,” said mum in her unimpressed manner.
“ There’s one other thing,” said Justtin.
Mum wondered what else could possibly top that, and wasn’t that disappointed when she found out what it was.
“ Jacobs, Stevens and Bain’s are in the area, and probably on their way to you.”
“ Can’t you tell?” asked Barry.
“ Not at the moment,” said Justtin. “ My head is not the clearest it’s ever been.”
“ Can you still read dad’s signal?” Barry asked with concern.
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ It’s still up that hill.”
Barry gave out a huge sigh of relief, and looked at his mum, then Zed.
“ Shall we go then,” he asked them.
“ Let’s get it over with,” said mum.
“ Let’s rock,” said Zed.
Aunt B and Penny made themselves comfortable and watched as Barry, Zed and mum started on their long journey up the hill. Fergus and Nev had fallen asleep and didn’t even know the boys had left.
Justtin was making the most of the fresh morning air, while listening to Barry on the walkie-talkie. He was whizzing backwards and forwards on the road just behind the van, when he stopped and said,
“ Ah, there you are,” as he spun round, and found Jacobs, Stevens and Bain’s, staring at him.
“ If you want to know what’s going on,” he continued, “ mum and the boys are on their way up the hill.”
“ Why?” said Jacobs quietly, who was holding his head and looking worse for wear.
“ They’ve gone after dad,” said Justtin. “ That’s where the signal is coming from.”
Jacobs took a look at the hill, then quickly looked at his two agents.
“ Come on you two,” he said. “ We’ve got a hill to climb.”
“ You’re bloody joking,” said Bain’s. “ I haven’t finished throwing up yet.”
“ You should learn to hold your drink,” said Stevens, struggling to keep the contents of his own stomach in.
“ Pair of wankers,” said Jacobs, as he led the way to the foot of the hill.
“ What strange behaviour,” said Justtin, who went back to practising his wheelies.

***

Barry was convinced he’d left his childhood behind, as he climbed the hill, because after all that he’d been through, he was sure he was a lot older. Zed felt the same, but didn’t say anything.
Barry had something on his mind, and having found this new bravado, decided to ask.
“ What are you going to call him?” he asked mum.
“ What?” replied mum, a little stunned, but knowing exactly what Barry was talking about.
“ The new baby,” said Barry. “ What are you going to call him?”
“ Justtin told you, didn’t he,” she guessed correctly. “ Well, I’ve not really thought about it.”
“ Justtin also told me you weren’t happy about it,” said Barry.
“ It’s not that,” said mum, genuinely. “ It just wasn’t part of my plan. I’m more angry with myself. Should have taken more care.”
“ I think it’s great,” said Barry.
“ Really?” said mum, suddenly cheering up.
“ Yeah,” said Barry. “ It will be nice to have somebody else around.”
Mum had never thought of it before. Perhaps Barry shouldn’t have been an only child. It hadn’t been part of her plan, but then sometimes these things happen for the best.
“ I suppose you’re right,” she said. “ So, do you have any suggestions for a name.”
“ Not really,” said Barry. “ As long as it’s not something stupid. You can never be too careful.”
Mrs. Harriet Trotter, known as Harry for short, didn’t have a clue what Barry was talking about.
The higher they climbed, the closer they got to where Justtin had told them the signal was coming from. But as hard as they looked, there was still no sign of dad.
After more than an hour of climbing the steep slope, they all decided it was time to rest. As Barry sat down, he looked out from the hill, at the incredible view in front of him. This must be just like living in paradise, he thought. Although it’s probably a right bastard in the winter, his thoughts added.
Zed attracted his attention, by nudging him. Barry turned to Zed to find out what his problem was, only to follow the direction that Zed was pointing. A hundred yards below them, they could see Agent Jacobs heading towards them, with Stevens and Bain’s in close attendance. Bain’s was still having trouble keeping his stomach to himself, and had left an easy trail to follow down, if it was necessary.
“ Morning all,” said Jacobs, when he finally caught up with mum and the boys.
“ What are you doing here?” mum asked.
“ Same as you,” said Jacobs. “ Only we didn’t get this close. Justtin really is a remarkable machine.”
“ He has his moments,” said Barry. “ Why didn’t you think of searching up here?”
“ Because we found the ejector seat down there,” said Jacobs. “ And the parachute was found in a tree over there.”
He pointed to a small cluster of trees, near the tank. Barry hadn’t even seen them before. Not that it mattered now. Dad was up on this hill somewhere, and that’s where the boys were concentrating their search.
“ Oh well,” said Barry. “ The more the merrier.”
Something moved to Barry’s right, and Jacob’s was very quick to draw his pistol.
“ Stop,” said Barry. Jacobs stopped.
Everybody looked to where Barry had seen a small object moving in the grass.
“ That’s your signal,” Justtin said over the walkie-talkie.
“ Don’t be daft,” said Barry, wishing the robot was right. “ It’s a red squirrel. Justtin, are you sure about this? There’s nothing else up here, just the red squirrel.”
Barry looked at the squirrel, and just for a second, the squirrel looked back at him. In that second, something seemed vaguely familiar, but Barry couldn’t put his finger on it.
“ Dad?” he said to he squirrel, but the squirrel didn’t answer.
“ He must be there,” said Justtin. “ There is nothing else. Try putting your walkie-talkie near it.”
“ What good will that do?” said Barry, now beginning to get upset.
“ I will be able to tell you for sure if that is where the signal is coming from,” said Justtin. “ I’m sorry, but it’s the only way.”
Barry did as he was told, and extended his walkie-talkie toward the squirrel. Although the squirrel backed away slightly, it did no more.
Everybody held their breath, as the squirrel stared at the radio. It was trying to sniff it, from a distance, but flew backwards, as Justtin’s voice broke the silence.
“ Sorry to say it, Barry my boy, but that is definitely your dad.”
Mum gasped. Zed just stared in disbelief, and the agents bowed their heads, as a sign of respect.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ No, sorry. That didn’t come out right,” said Justtin. “ What I meant to say is, that is definitely where your dad’s signal is coming from.”
“ The squirrel must have swallowed the transmitter,” said Jacobs.
Barry understood how it all worked, but it still didn’t make any sense.
“ What?” he said.
“ Oh for fucks sake,” said Justtin. “ It’s very simple, so don’t start with the ‘what’s’, ok?”
“ What?” said Barry.
“ Zed?” said Justtin.
“ Yes?” replied Zed.
“ Back of the head please,” said Justtin.
Zed duly obliged.
“ What was that for?” said Barry, rubbing his head, and not for the first time.
“ Barry,” said Zed, pointing at the little red squirrel. “ I think your dad wants to say hello.”
This was too much for mum, so she passed out.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ We’ll have to take him home,” said Zed.
“ I didn’t see that coming,” said Jacobs.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ There goes the paint job,” said Justtin.