Happy New Year

Happy New Year to all my listeners. A quite one for me again. At home watching TV mainly because it's too frigging cold outside. Much better to watch fireworks on the box in the warm. Will miss that smokey firework smell, but that's the chance you take. Knowing my luck, I'll be standing next to the only person there with really bad B O. The man with baked bean armpits. Before and after the bean.
So 2010 is going to be the year that see's the Space Shuttle program end, and the future is Ares, apparently. Not overly convinced myself, but we shall see. The test launch of Ares 1-X was successful, but then there were rumblings about NASA having to find another way to launch rockets??? Erm, ok. Erm, what about slingshot? I'm out of idea's now.
Barcelona continue to be the best football team in Europe, to watch anyway, followed quickly by Arsenal. Considering all the money Real Madrid spent during the Summer, they're not quite ready yet. But with the second half of the season to come, it will be an interesting run in.
World Cup 2010 in South Africa is now 6 months away, and I can't wait. If England can go to SA with the players fully fit, we stand a good chance of going all the way to the Final, but I really doubt if we will win it. Too many good teams around the World, especially Brazil. The Argies, under Maradonna are yet to show their stuff, and you never write the Germans off. But I think this time we might actually see an African Country get close, maybe even win it. Neck on the line there.
2009 saw Jacko pass away, and Jedward become stars. Anyone else see the weirdo link?
Films of the year were probably 2012, and Avatar, which I haven't seen yet. But 2012 was a roller coaster that i loved.
Music saw Subo smash a few records, and mirrors, possibly. And the Christmas number one was a song by Rage Against The Machine, stopping Simon Cowell from hogging the Christmas market, and the whole Rage number 1 thing was done through a Facebook campaign.
The afore mentioned Facebook has hit several hundred million users. I'm proud of the fact that I was one of the first hundred million users. As Facebook expands, so does myspace, msn, google, and loopystuff.
Loopystuff.com will be available by the end of January, if all goes to plan. By this time next year, I hope to have more hits than Slade, T.rex and Clive Dunn (Grandad) put together.
And on that note, I wish you all a really Happy New Year.

Night Shift News

Communication broke down today between communicators and commuters. Commuters commuting to the Communication and Commuters Awards, held at the Community Centre, were subject to common commotion and communication delays. " Commonly we have problems," said Colin Commons, the spokesman for the Communication and Commuter Compliance Community. " It's only natural."
He was fired shortly after that last statement for not sticking to the script.
He later gave a statement saying his computer was to blame.
In sport news, the teams involved in two seperate sporting events have been investigated by internal drug testing enquiries.
The England Lamb basting squad have tested positive for an unknown substance, possibly mint sauce, where as the UK sponge bending team, or Sponge UK as they would prefer to be known, have been accused of using a lighter than normal flour in their mix.
"It flies in the face of normal cake mix." said an opponent from the German team. " We have been using the same ingredients for years. Maybe that's why our cakes are stale, but at least we stick with tradition."
A spokesman for Sponge UK said, " Sour grapes, that's all it is. We can sift with the best, and this has nothing to do with our sponsor...Churchill."
Royal Mail Romford FC got it's long awaited return to a football pitch, as they turned out against a West Ham youth side at Bedfords Park on Sunday evening. It didn't take long to see who had the upper hand in this game, as Romford took an early lead through Slartibartfast ( on loan from the Hitch-hikers Guide to The LA Galaxy team). But West Ham struck back with 2 quick goals from Junior Stanislas, and that's how the first half ended.
The second half became a feisty affair, with Romford eventually going down to 7 men, having seen all substitutions made, the goal keeper committed Hari Kiri, two players exploded and one simply ran away, but Slartibartfast went on to get 2 more goals in time added on. Eventual winning captain Neil Price said, " Slart was brillint. We owe Becks for that. He suggested he would be good and he was right. We're going to have to find a way of stopping our players exploding tho. Also, letting players on the pitch with Kamikaze swords? I thought that was illegal."
When asked about the player who ran away, Neil said, " Ha ha ha!!! Little scamp. He had to be home before 9.30 or his old man would kill him. Never mind. We'll put him back together and if he's fit enough, he'll be in the squad for Saturday."
So there you have it. RM Romford FC doing what they do best. A 3-2 win. Next home game....Brazil.

Silly Christmas song

Roast nuts chesting on an open fire
Jack Frost nosing at your nips

Didn't get any further

Royal Mail is dying. Don't blame the workers.

So that was Christmas was it?
Yet again I find myself scratching my head and thinking to myself, what was that all about? If the public posted their mail a week earlier than normal, Royal Mail would save themselves a fortune. We wouldn't need as many casual staff.
But then the powers that be, sit in offices, probably on the moon or somewhere far, far away, and have no idea how the system really works. It would be interesting, if just for once, our glorious leaders would come and see what we actually do for a living. The same living that earns them the bonuses, that gives them the right to make decisions about people's lives. People who's circumstances they have no idea about.
These people are number crunchers, nothing more, nothing less. And they are killing the business.
They don't even know they are doing it. They work for the people above them. The real money grabbers, who love their bonuses, for a job well done, knowing that thousands of Royal Mail employee's are out of work.
There is a simple answer, and always has been. Don't accept your bonuses. Or start getting rid of management. If this Company wants to save money, lose it from the top, not from the bottom, where the real workers are.
Controversial??? I hope so. These people don't have a clue.

The 6 Space Shuttle names in a short bulletin.

NASA's Endeavour to get there before it's main Challenger, have set sail in the SS Enterprise in the hope of making the Discovery of Atlantis, off the coast of Columbia.

Justtin Update

When I started posting Justtin on here, I didn't quite realise just how big a project it was, as in how much work I'd done, or even, how much work was involved. I was hoping to have the whole book up by now, but this is clearly not going to happen, as there are at least another 13 chapters to go. And then there's book 2 to consider, which isn't finished yet. It will come to a point where i will stop posting Justtin as a blog, and I will move the whole book to my website. It's just a case of deciding when to make the change. My site should be ready by the end of January, but that is down to how things go with my designer/builder. He is busy working away on my site as we speak, and we seem to have an understanding on what I want. For now, Justtin will be posted here until I go live with loopystuff.com. Until then, Justtin says, "If you're made of metal, don't hang out with magnets."

Justtin

Chapter ten
Heads up

It was mid August and Zed went to see old Nev in the village. It had been dad’s idea to make sure the villagers knew what was going on, in the hope that they might be able to help, in some small way. Zed gave Nev a walkie-talkie, and quickly showed the old boy how to use it, but Zed was convinced that Nev had other things on his mind.
“ Are you listening?” Zed asked.
“ What? Oh yeah,” said Nev. “ Er, no, not really. Sorry.”
“ What’s wrong?” asked Zed.
“ Nothing. Just old age I guess. So many other things going on.”
“ Like what?”
“ Well, for instance, have you ever seen a meteor storm?”
“ I don’t know. What is it?”
“ Well,” said Nev, “ a meteor storm is where Earth’s path crosses the tail of a long gone comet. Even though the comet itself is far away, it’s tail follows it for a very long time. The tail is made up of small rocks and dust, which burn up when they enter the Earth’s atmosphere. You end up seeing one of the best firework displays that man has ever seen.”
“ When does it happen?” asked Zed.
“ Tonight, sometime after midnight. It’s quite amazing to see, especially where you are. There’s not much light over your way, so you should get a great view of what’s going on.”
“ Cool,” said Zed. “ Will you be watching it?”
“ Don’t be silly lad. I’ll be well pissed by then.”
Zed stayed and chatted to Nev for a bit longer, and kept nudging the walkie-talkie under the old man’s nose, hoping that he’d pick it up, but his attempts were in vain. Eventually he gave up, and hoped that Nev wouldn’t need it.

***
When Zed returned to the farmhouse, he spotted the tank by the river, seemingly moving on it’s own, with Aunt B sitting on the turret, waving her golfing umbrella over her head. Zed found Barry and his dad in the front garden, deep in conversation with Justtin, about past events and the possibility of what was to come.
“ Hi,” said Zed. “ I think I’ve just seen the tank driving itself. Aunt B was on top of it.”
“ Don’t panic son,” said dad. “ Penny’s driving it.”
“ Really. I didn’t know she could drive,” said Zed, a little surprised.
“ She drives tractors all the time on the farm,” said Barry. “ I suppose they’re similar.”
“ I’d like to try that,” said Zed, thinking out loud.
“ So, did you give the radio set to old Nev,” asked dad.
“ Yes, but he wasn’t taking much notice. He was telling me about a meteor storm that’s going to happen tonight.”
“ What’s that?” asked Barry, and dad explained.
“ Sounds like fun. Can we see it?” Barry asked his dad.
“ Don’t see why not. It’s not like you have to get up for school, is it?”
“ Or anything else, for that matter,” added Zed.
Smart arse, thought dad.
Penny joined them from the barn, while Aunt B was reversing the tank into it’s parking space. As she turned the engine off, Justtin started to make a noise, that told anyone in the know, that he was scanning the immediate vicinity, but this time he was taking longer than usual.
“ Ok Justtin, tell us what you’ve got,” said dad.
“ Should have known I couldn’t fool you,” said the robot. “ I’ve picked up a weak signal. Morse code, I believe.”
“ What does it say?” asked dad.
“ Don’t know,” said Justtin. “ The signal is not strong enough, and very garbled. But at the moment, it sounds like co-ordinates.”
“ Put it on speaker for me, will you?” asked dad.
Justtin did as he was asked.
Two panels opened on Justtin’s side and a pair of small, but powerful speakers slid silently out and clicked on.
Dad listened to a weak series of dots and dashes, and started to snigger.
“ What’s so funny?” Barry asked.
“ Well, so far, I’ve heard, ‘awoid the willage’,” said dad. And the more he listened, the more he laughed.
Not only would they awoid the willage, but they turbed light at the liver, peft at the pain road, and put rookouts at the farmhorse.
“ Ok,” said dad, “ it may be hysterically funny, but I think we get the picture. I just need to find out what we’re up against. Justtin, old fella, what have we got?”
“ What, just like that?” said Justtin. “ Ok, we have, at a rough guess, three vehicles with four people in each.”
“ And that was just a guess, was it?”
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ Bloody good wasn’t it?”
“ You conceited bastard,” said dad. “ I never programmed any of this.”
“ Hang on mate,” said Justtin. “ I’ve just spent the last month having to listen to that lot. What did you expect, a theatre usher?”
“ No, but I think I would have preferred one.”
“ Oh, now you tell me. Fine. I’ll re-programme myself then, shall I?”
“ No dad,” shouted Barry. “ You promised.”
“ No I didn’t,” said dad, “ you did. But if Justtin performs the way I expect him to, then change will not be on the menu.”
“ Ooh, menu,” said Justtin. “ Mmm, breakfast, yum yum, arse, chicken.”
“ Justtin,” shouted Barry. “ Behave yourself.”
“ Er, yeah. Sorry about that,” said Justtin. “ I think they spam might be trying tits to get at knickers my system again. It’s sausages and cabbage getting out of arse control. I can’t butter help it penis.”
“ What’s wrong with him dad?” asked Barry, who was looking more than a little concerned.
“ Some form of Tourettes syndrome,” said dad switching the robot off.
Dad pulled off Justtin’s front plate and made a slight adjustment to one of his transistors, then switched him back on again.
“ You’ve no idea how good that felt,” said Justtin, who suddenly burped.
“ You’re not supposed to burp,” said dad.
“ I’m not supposed to say bollocks either,” said Justtin, “ but I still can. Anyway, I told you before, I’ve been hanging around this lot for too long.”
“ Well, never mind that now. I need to know what we have to deal with?”
“ As I said before the breakdown, well, that’s what I’m going to call it, there are three vehicles with four people in each. One vehicle has stopped a mile away, in that direction.” He pointed south. “ The other two went east, following the river.”
“ Straight towards the sea,” said Penny. “ That’s odd. There’s not even a road that way, just a dirt track.”
“ It doesn’t make any difference to this lot,” said dad. “ They’re used to dirt tracks.”
“ Tracks ‘n snacks, damage, pickled poppy’s. I like sponge,” said Justtin.
“ Zed, can you pass me that,” said dad pointing to a machine gun. Zed passed him the gun, and at that point, everybody knew what was going to happen next. Barry didn’t want it to happen, but after the way that Justtin had started acting up, it was probably for the best.
Dad took aim and closed his eyes.
Barry turned away.
Zed and Penny stood next to each other, holding hands.
Aunt B was still in the barn, getting cow dung off her wellies, with a dessert spoon. And then it happened.
CLANG!!!
Dad hit Justtin across the side of the head with the butt of the gun, and so hard, that the butt flew off and hit Barry in the shin.
“ Ahhh!” said Justtin. “ That’s got it. Thanks.”
“ No problem,” said dad, as he turned to Zed and Penny. “ And, you two?”
“ Yes,” they said together.
“ Knock it off, will you?”

***
The events of the day never actually happened, so that makes them the non-events of the day.
The mysterious people that had plonked themselves in the field a mile away, had gone very quiet. No more Morse code had been received by Justtin, who had so far, responded well to his treatment, as the children sat in the garden with dad, and watched the evening draw to a close. Once the pencils had been put away, all that was left was darkness.
“ Which way will these meteors come from?” asked Barry.
“ Up,” said Justtin.
“ Ha, bloody ha,” said dad, wishing he’d bitten his tongue, because ultimately he knew that Justtin was right.
“ So, which is it? Up, east, left. What?” said Barry.
“ Over there,” said Justtin, pointing east.
“ Ta,” said Barry. “ But when?”
“ It’s already started,” said Justtin, “ but it’s still too light. The darker it gets, the better the light show.”
Barry lay next to his dad and watched the skies. He didn’t know what to expect, but apparently it was fantastic.
And as sure as I am, that all the loony’s in Britain have recently moved to Romford, the light extravaganza started, with thin coloured streaks of light, flashing across the night sky.
And flash they did, very fast. Some big, some small and some lasting longer than others, but spectacular all the same.
Barry, Zed and Penny were watching the meteor storm, with all the ooh’s and aah’s you’d expect at a firework display, when Justtin suddenly turned toward them and said “ Oh shit!”
He’d not even finished the t, as a loud whoosh sound came over their heads, followed by a huge explosion. Mud and debris flew in every direction and covered them all.
“ What the fuck was that?” yelled dad above the din.
“ They’re landing,” said Justtin.
“ What, the meteors?” asked Barry.
“ No,” said Justtin. “ These are mortars. Slightly different spelling.”
“ Never mind that now,” said dad. “ Take cover.”
Not waiting to be told twice, the proverbial cover was taken.
Every few seconds saw another mortar make a mess of Aunt B’s garden. She hadn’t realised until now, just how clever she had been. During her grenade polishing renaissance period, she’d managed to create enough foxholes for everybody to hide in, and the chances of a direct hit on one, will be calculated some other time.
“ I’ll get the buggers for this,” she said as she came out of the farmhouse with a tennis racket in her hand.
“ What’s she going to do with that?” asked Penny.
“ Not very much, I imagine,” said Justtin.
Barry wanted to go and change his trousers, but dad held him down.
“ You haven’t farted have you?” asked dad.
“ Er, well that’s how it started,” replied Barry, trying to hide his embarrassment.
Justtin was scanning the attackers exact position, and got a fix.
“ We need the hand held rocket launchers,” he said to Zed through the walkie-talkie. “ My missiles are not good enough.”
“ Why not?” asked Zed.
“ Wrong colour. We need the pretty blue ones for this little exercise.”
“ Exercise? You’re having a laugh ain’tcha?” said Zed.
“ That would be fun,” said Justtin, “ but not right now. What we need, right now, is you to go and get the rocket launchers.”
“ Ok,” said Zed, feeling his authority was being undermined. As he got up to go, dad wanted to know where he was going. Zed had to shout at dad to make him hear, but he got the message across.
“ I’m going with you,” said dad. “ Barry, you stay put. You’ll be safer in the garden. I won’t be long.”
Barry didn’t like being left by his dad, but he knew that whatever his dad was doing, it was bound to save them.
Zed and dad ran as fast as they could, past the house and into the barn. Zed went straight to the tarpaulin and started to pull the cover off.
Everything started to go in slow motion.
He could hear the mortars falling outside, and he knew he had to be quick, but the cover didn’t seem to be moving. As hard as he tried, nothing was happening. He seemed to be losing his strength.
He was feeling very tired all of a sudden.
And then he felt the pain.
The agony.
The screaming heat of the burning pain in his leg.
He’d been hit, and as he fell backwards, dad was there to catch him. Dad lowered Zed to the floor, and lay him on his back. He looked to see where Zed was hurt, and found a large coin sized hole in the side of Zed’s right thigh. Dad tore off his shirtsleeve to make a quick tourniquet, and while tying it, he thought about what to do next. He took Zed’s walkie-talkie and called to Justtin.
“ Man down Jus. I need your help.”
“ Don’t you mean boy? Or child even?”
“ NOW,” shouted dad.
“ Alright. Keep your drawers on,” mumbled Justtin as he turned to make his way to the barn. Barry realised then, that something must be wrong.
“ No, Justtin. You stay here. I’ll go,” said the lad, and before Justtin could argue, Barry was limping, full speed toward the barn.
“ He’s quick when he wants to be, isn’t he?” said Justtin. “ I think we should move back a bit. With all these holes appearing in the garden, it won’t be long before I’m stuck here.”
Penny and Aunt B agreed, and staying close to Justtin they moved back toward the house.
Barry got to the barn and saw Zed lying flat on the floor.
“ Is he dead?” Barry asked.
“ No, just shrapnel in the leg. The bone saved him.”
“ The bastards,” said Barry.
“ Barry!” said dad in shock. “ I never taught you to swear.”
“ That’s right,” said Barry. “ There’s a lot you never taught me, and it’s never too late. But right now, I need a rocket launcher, and later, you can teach me how to use it.”

***
Old Nev and the boys were having a drunken singsong, as they had been celebrating the restoration of the pub for almost four solid days, when they heard the first explosion coming from the farmhouse.
Old Nev crawled to the table by the window and picking up the walkie-talkie, he put it to his ear and listened.
“ Can you hear anything?” asked Ray.
“ Not a bloody thing,” said Nev. “ Tell Fergus to shut up, will you?”
“ Fergus,” bellowed Ray, and it would have been a bellow as well. Ray’s 60 a day habit was taking it’s toll. And as for the fags, don’t ask.
“ What?” Fergus yelled back.
“ Nev says shut up. He’s trying to get something on the radio.”
“ What, like the light programme or summit?” said Fergus as he came to join the other two.
“ I don’t know,” said Ray. “ Must be important if there’s fireworks as well.”
“ Aye. Them youngsters know how to have a good time, don’t they?” said Fergus as he drained his glass of cider.
“ I can’t get anything,” said Nev. “ It must be broken.”
“ What’s that button do?” asked Ray.
“ Say’s on/off,” said Fergus. “ Try it.”
“ I can’t see a bloody thing without my glasses,” said Nev.
“ You don’t wear glasses,” said Ray.
“ That’s probably why I didn’t see the button then, ain’t it,” said Nev.
“ He’s a clever bugger, that one,” said Fergus. “ I’d never have thought of that.”
“ That’s why the kid trusted Nev with the radio thingy, and not us,” said Ray. “ Coz he’s got brains.”
“ Give us a hand with this thing will you,” said Nev. “ Can’t quite make it out. Which way is up?”
Ray and Fergus pointed straight to the ceiling.
“ Very funny,” said Nev. “ No, I mean on this button.”
“ Oh, right,” said Ray who was trying his hardest to focus. “ It’s that way, I think.”
“ Is that banging in my head?” asked Fergus.
“ Probably,” said Ray.
“ Bugger that,” said Fergus. “ I’m leaving it at home next time.”
“ Have you got anything yet?” Ray asked Nev.
“ Just hissing,” said Nev, as he turned every knob and flicked every switch. The hissing suddenly turned to a really loud, high pitch whistle. Everybody clasped their hands to their ears. Nev had to drop the radio to do the same. As the walkie-talkie hit the floor, it burst into life.
“ We are going to need help.”
It was Penny’s voice.
“ That’s got it,” said Nev, with a sense of triumph.
“ You never did that,” said Fergus.
“ Who bloody cares,” said Nev. “ It’s working now. Hello,” he said into the walkie-talkie, “ can you hear me?”
There was a pause of about twenty seconds, then a voice came through. It was Aunt B.
“ You’re supposed to say over,” she said.
“ Over what?” Ray asked.
Nev shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t know either.
“ Maybe she’s playing cricket,” said Fergus.
“ Hello, over,” said B.
“ Hello over, back to you,” said Nev.
“ Who is this? Over,” said B.
“ This is Nev. Under,” said Nev.
“ No. It’s over, not under,” said B.
“ Over what?” asked Nev.
“ When you finish what you are saying, you say over,” said Aunt B in parrot fashion, hoping it would help to put her point across. “ It tells the other person that you are waiting for their reply or you have finished. Over.”
“ Still sounds like cricket,” said Fergus.
“ Yes, you’re right,” said Ray. “ 6 balls is a finished over.”
“ And when you’ve finished talking, you say out,” said Aunt B.
“ Yep. That’s cricket all right,” said Ray.
“ I’ve got it now, over,” said Nev.
“ At last,” said B.
“ You didn’t say over,” said Nev. “ Over.”
“ The man is a total arse,” B said to Penny, not realising she still had her finger on the button, and old Nev heard everything.
“ You still didn’t say over, over,” he said.
“ I know,” said B, “ just testing. Now what do you want? I’m a bit busy at the moment. Over.”
“ We just wondered what all the excitement was. Lots of fireworks. What are you celebrating? Over.” Nev said.
“ They’re not fireworks,” said B as she looked at Penny, raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes. “ Dozy prat,” she said.
“ Well, what are they then?” Nev asked innocently.
“ Just mortars,” said B, “ but I don’t know where they’re coming from.”
“ I do,” said Justtin.
“ Yes, we know you do,” said B, “ but the rest of us are struggling to catch up.”
She spoke to the walkie-talkie.
“ Any chance of some help? Over.”
“ Seeing as you put it like that, how can I possibly resist. What do you want us to do?”
“ A nice sandwich would be nice,” said B.
“ I think I should talk to them,” said Penny.
“ Ok,” said B. “ I’ll go and put the kettle on. Tell them I want cheese.”
“ Hello Nev. It’s Penny here. Over.”
“ Who is it?” asked Fergus.
“ It’s the lass from the farm. Young Jamie Bond’s girl. Hello love, what’s up?”
“ Mortars, mostly. But they keep coming down. We’re going to need your help.”
“ Mortars?” said Fergus. “ It’s not our help you need. It’s the feckin’ military you want.”
“ Nah,” said Ray. “ They’re away on manoeuvres. I saw them leave this morning. They used that old number 10 bus that used to be in the pub car park.”
“ Did they get it going again, then?” asked Fergus.
“ I s’pose so,” said Ray.
“ Quiet, you two,” said Nev. “ I’m trying to work out what the girl is saying. The mortars are making a bit of a racket.”
“ I can’t hear you,” Penny was saying. “ These mortars are coming in thick and fast.”
“ Maybe there’s two,” said Fergus.
“ Two what?” asked Ray.
“ Two mortar positions. That would explain why they’re coming in so fast.”
“ Makes sense,” said Nev. “ Did you hear that, Penny?”
“ Hear what?”
“ There are probably two mortar positions,” said Nev.
“ Ah,” said Justtin. “ Yes. That’ll be it. Mmm, two. Mmm, didn’t see that coming. Well, if that’s the case, I can only detect one, so they must be close together.”
“ So, what do I tell Nev?” Penny asked the robot.
“ Tell the boys to get another pint in and I’ll get back to them.”

***
Dad covered Zed with the tarpaulin and looked for a box marked rocket launchers. He didn’t have to look too far, as Zed had stacked the boxes alphabetically. That’s easy enough, he thought. As he stared at the boxes, he noticed that some were marked L, and some R. Dad scratched his head. Left and right, he assumed correctly. He wanted to make sure, but he wasn’t going to get any sense out of Zed. He was delirious, and mumbling. It was impossible to understand what Zed was saying, but it made sense to Zed, and that’s what counted.
“ Come on dad,” shouted Barry. “ I haven’t got all day.”
As Barry finished talking, there was a loud explosion in the vicinity of the house.
“ What was that?” Barry shouted at his walkie-talkie.
“ They’ve hit the house,” Penny shouted back.
“ Oh great. Dad, hurry up. Where about’s Pen?”
“ Don’t worry deary, it was only your room,” said Aunt B.
Barry tried to picture the mess, but all he got was an image of the hamper, with a set of little wings and a halo, floating towards the heavens. Snap out of it Barry, he thought to himself.
“ Where’s Justtin?” asked Barry.
“ He’s talking to those nice men at the pub,” said Aunt B. “ He’s probably getting more sense out of them, than I did.”
“ And vice versa,” added Penny. “ We’re on our way to you.”
“ Ok. Justtin? What’s going on?” said Barry loudly into his radio.
“ Oh, just a little war. Not much really.”
“ Glad to hear it,” said Barry. “ Listen, Zed’s been hurt. He’s got a lump of metal, or something stuck in his leg. Can you take care of it?”
“ I guess so,” said Justtin. “ What will you be doing?”
“ I’m going to put a stop to this racket,” said Barry. “ I’m getting a headache.”
Aunt B and Penny made it to the barn, and Penny knelt down beside Zed.
“ He’s really hot,” she said.
“ Leave it out, Pen,” said Barry. “ There’s a time and a place.”
“ No, she’s right,” said dad. “ He’s burning up. He needs help, now.”
Justtin entered the barn.
“ Make way,” he said. “ I’ll deal with this.”
“ Are you sure?” said Penny.
“ Trust me. I’m a doctor,” said Justtin.
While all this was going on, dad was trying to get the lid off one of the boxes marked rocket launchers, almost to the point of losing some of his fingernails. Justtin was fully aware of the situation and made a decision. He left Zed and moved as fast as his tracks would take him. He stopped next to dad and a panel on his side opened quietly. From inside the panel, a small arm, with a large screwdriver looking object attached, extended fully, and with a quick twist, the lid of the box flipped upwards.
“ Nice one Justtin,” said dad.
“ The pressure was all mine,” said Justtin, who turned his attention back to Zed.

***
Nev, Ray and Fergus decided there was nothing else for it. They had another drink.
“ Dutch courage,” said Ray.
“ I like some of those Dutch beers,” said Fergus.
“ And cheese,” said Ray.
“ I’m not sure about Dutch elm disease, though,” said Fergus. “ Plays havoc with my kitchen table.”
“ What are you two gassing on about?” asked old Nev, who was now so drunk that both his eyes were in one socket, and still looking in different directions.
“ Look,” said Fergus. “ He’s got blue eyes.”
“ That’s right,” said Ray. “ One blew east and the other blew west.”
“ You pair of silly buggers,” said Nev. “ You can’t take the piss out of me.”
“ Only coz nature beat us to it,” said Fergus.
“ Come on,” said Nev. “ We’ve got to help those kids. It’s a matter na-ash importansh.”
“ Nothing wrong with a bit of nash pride,” said Fergus.
“ Thash ri-ight,” Nev hiccupped. “ We’ve gotta do this for King and coun-untry.”
“ I think you mean Queen,” said Ray.
“ Yes, tha-at,” said Nev as he picked up a three legged bar stool. Ray had a rough idea of what Nev was going to do, so he went out to the beer garden.
“ Where’s he off to?” asked Fergus.
“ I dunno,” was the best that Nev could manage.
While they were waiting, Fergus poured himself another pint of One Sin.
“ Ain’t you ha-ad enough cider?” asked Nev.
“ You do talk a load of bollocks when you’re drunk,” said Fergus. “ How can you ever have enough One Sin cider? I ask you?”
Ray came stumbling back into the bar, carrying a large umbrella.
“ Tha-at’s very impreshive,” said Nev.
“ Yeah. I thought I could stick it up somebody’s arse, and open it,” said Ray.
“ Then I noticed the other end has a point. That’s twice the fun.”
“ The mind of a genius,” said Fergus. “ And it’ll come in handy if it starts to rain. So, what should I take?” He started looking round for a weapon.
“ It better be something good,” said Ray. “ We don’t know what’s out there.”
“ It’s getting feckin’ noisy. I know that’s out there,” said Fergus, still looking. Suddenly his eyes fell on a huge toby jug. He picked it up to test the weight.
“ Not heavy enough,” Fergus said and reached over the bar to pour himself a refill.
“ That’s better,” he said, as he tested the liquid filled jug.
“ What happens if you spill some?” asked Ray.
“ Well, if I spill it on my arm, it’s not a problem, coz my arm will get heavier.”
“ What if you miss your arm?” asked Ray.
“ Easy,” said Fergus. “ I’ll use my other one.”
“ This genius stuff must be rubbing off,” said Ray.
They both turned to where old Nev had been, but he was there no more. He’d been sitting at the table by the window, listening to the walkie-talkie, when the drink caught up with him, and he slumped forward, face first into an ashtray.
“ Oi!” shouted Fergus in Nev’s ear.
Bleary eyed, Nev sat up quickly, with a cigarette butt glued to his left eyelid and ash down the side of his face. As he turned to look at the other two, he had a matchstick stuck to his chin, aided by his own dribble, and a peanut wedged in his nose.
“ He’s looking better already,” said Fergus.
“ Up you get,” said Ray, as he helped Nev to his feet.
“ Fanksh,” said Nev, and the three of them stumbled out of the pub into the night air, armed with a three legged bar stool, a beer garden umbrella and a toby jug.
“ We’re on our way,” Ray said to the walkie-talkie.

***
“ They’re on their way,” said Penny.
“ Who are?” said dad.
“ The men from the pub. They’re going to have a go at the second mortar position.”
“ There’s two?” said dad.
“ Sorry,” said Justtin. “ Forgot to mention that.”
“ Nice,” said dad. “ Anything else you’ve forgotten to mention?”
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ The submarine.”
“ What?” everyone said in unison.
“ There’s a submarine,” said Justtin, “ sitting one mile off the coast.”
“ That explains where the other two vehicles were heading,” said Penny.
“ That also explains how they managed to move their equipment about, virtually undetected,” said dad.
“ I knew,” said Justtin.
“ For how long?” asked dad in disbelief.
“ Since before my breakdown,” said Justtin. “ But I have dealt with it.”
“ How?”
“ I sent a message to the Military. I expect a response any second now. Ah, here it comes.” And true to his word, his screen displayed the response from Whitehall. Two interceptor helicopters have been dispatched. ETA 5 minutes.
“ Ok,” said dad. “ That’s that sorted, but what about the other mortar position?”
“ Oh yes,” said Justtin. “ Barry?”
“ Yep.”
“ Take your rocket launcher and go to the door.”
Barry was as nervous as he’d ever been, but he did as he was told. At the back of his mind, he was worried that his clumsiness would let him, and the others, down.
“ Look to your left,” said the robot. “ Can you see the moon?”
“ Is that it?” said dad.
“ I haven’t finished,” said Justtin, the same way somebody would say something through gritted teeth.
“ Oh! Sorry,” said dad, feeling a bit embarrassed.
“ Look at the moon,” Justtin continued. “ Just to its right, and up a bit, is a star. You can’t miss it. It’s shining.”
“ Ooh, I like stars,” said Penny.
“ I like sponge,” said Aunt B.
“ Will you two shut up, and let me concentrate,” said Barry. “ Ok Jus, go on.”
“ Thank you very little,” said Justtin. “ If my calculations are right, all you have to do is aim at that star, and you should hit the target.”
“ And if I don’t?”
“ Let’s find out,” said Justtin.
Barry didn’t know what to expect, but he was willing to give it a go. He raised the rocket launcher upward and looking through the site on its top, he picked out the star that Justtin had told him about, and sweating bucket loads, he squeezed the trigger.
There was a forceful whoosh, which sent Barry backwards and made him fall over. But the missile was on its way, and within a few seconds, had hit its target, destroying the mortar and killing the two men that were operating it.
Barry sat up.
“ Did I get them?” he asked.
“ You sure did,” said Justtin. “ Nice shot. One down, one to go.”
Barry had a smile wider than the river, as he was congratulated by Penny and Aunt B, and he got a huge hug from his dad.
“ Bloody marvellous,” said dad, “ and that was all based on guess work was it?”
“ Well, without actually being there, it was the best I had,” said Justtin. “ But of course, if you can do better?”
“ Ok Justtin, I get the picture,” said dad, getting the picture. “ Now we should get back to sorting Zed out.”
“ Already on it,” said Justtin.

***
Out in the field, and propping Nev up, Ray and Fergus watched the explosion that wiped out the first mortar position, and in the light that followed, they spotted the second.
Keeping low, they struggled toward their target, dragging Nev by his collar.
“ Get off,” said Nev.
“ Shh!” said Fergus as he clapped a hand over Nev’s mouth.
“ You’ll wish you hadn’t done that,” whispered Ray.
“ I already do,” Fergus whispered back. “ But we’ve got to keep the bugger quiet, or they’ll kill us first. And we don’t want to let the little people down, do we?”
“ Little people?” said Ray. “ I didn’t know you kept leprechaun’s?”
“ Don’t start,” said Fergus. “ This is serious.”
Ray went quiet and the three of them crept slowly to within a few feet of the remaining mortar position. Whoosh! went the next shell.
Ray tapped Fergus on the shoulder and pointed to his watch.
“ Time the gaps in between each one,” he mouthed.
“ Ok,” Fergus mouthed back.
One, two, three, four, five, whoosh.
One, two, three, four, five, whoosh.
Every count of five, another shell was fired out of the mortar. Ray could only make out the figures of two men, so assumed that it was going to be easy. And it would have been if Nev hadn’t given them away.
“ Where’s my fag’s?” he shouted.
“ Oh bugger,” said Fergus, which is exactly what one of the men said in his own language, as he realised he was being watched.
Ray was the first to react, as he stood up and charged the men with his umbrella, and with Fergus in hot pursuit, waving his half-empty jug. Nev tried to stand up, but fell sideways into the dirt.
As Ray reached the two men his umbrella opened and he hit both of them, knocking the men to the ground. Fergus went to his left, and smashed his jug on one of the Iraqi’s heads, while Ray was sticking his umbrella handle into the other’s throat.
When Nev finally got to his feet, and staggered to where the other two were waiting, it was all over. The two dead men were having their pockets rifled by Fergus, and Ray said a silent prayer.
“ Amen,” he finished and looked at Nev. “ Thanks for your help,” he said.
“ Here,” said Fergus. “ Take these.”
He passed Nev a small red and white packet.
“ What are they?” Nev asked.
“ You left your fags in the pub. You might as well have his. He won’t be needing them.”

***
Zed moaned as Justtin repaired his leg, with Penny’s help. Between them, they had managed to remove a small piece of metal and some dirt from the wound, when everyone noticed that the noise had stopped outside.
“ All quiet on the western front,” said Ray over the walkie-talkie.
“ Eastern actually,” Fergus was heard to say, in the background.
Barry took the responsibility, and replied.
“ Are you ok?” he asked.
“ Don’t you worry about us,” replied Ray. “ We’ve all had a skin full, so we probably wouldn’t have felt anything if we were hurt. Are you all ok?”
“ Zed got some shrapnel in his leg,” said Barry. “ But the rest of us are ok. Just shell shocked and tired. We can’t thank you enough, but we will find a way.”
“ As long as Betty doesn’t do any cooking,” said Fergus.
“ I’m going back to the pub,” said Ray. “ I don’t suppose they’ll want their umbrella back.”
“ Oh, shit,” Nev was heard to say.
“ What’s the matter with him?” asked Barry.
“ He’s just found out his favourite toby jug is broken,” said Ray. “ We’ll see you all soon.”
“ Ok,” said Barry. “ Over and out.”
Justtin finished cleaning Zed’s wound and bandaged him up.
“ All done,” he said. “ And a nice tidy job, even if I say so myself.”
“ Now you can help me get the lids off some of these boxes,” said dad.
“ Only if you ask nice,” said the robot.
“ Trust me to program in good manners,” said dad.
“ Waiting,” said Justtin, not backing down.
“ Ok. Justtin, would you please, if it’s not too much of a problem, you know, if you’re not too busy, that is, if there is the slightest possibility, of you, maybe assisting me in the removal of some, if not all, of these lids?”
“ Bit over the top, isn’t it?” said Justtin, who went to assist dad, with the removal of some, if not all, of those lids.

Merry Christmas people

Merry Christmas everybody, and I hope you all enjoy your day. And a note to all the little shits in Collier Row. When Santa visit's this area, don't gob at him, and stop pissing on the reindeer. They smell bad enough.

Justtin

Chapter nine
Surprise surprise


“ And welcome back, grapple fans, to York Hall, here in Bethnal Green, for this afternoons main bout, between Mick McManus and Jackie (T.V.) Pallo,” the man on the telly said.
“ Let’s go straight to our ringside commentator, Ben Ditt.”
“ Thank you, Dickey. Yes, this is the highlight of this afternoon’s wrestling, with two of our old favourites, Mick McManus, and Jackie ( tv ) Pallo.”
“ Fantastic,” said Aunt B. “ Go on Mick, slap him.”
“ It’s not even started yet,” said Zed.
“ In the blue corner,” said the referee, “ in the black trunks, MICK MCMANUS.” They do like to shout out their names, and if I could be bothered, I’d probably try and find out why. If I could be bothered.
“ That’s my boy,” said B.
“ And on my right, in the red corner, in the black and white stripes, let’s hear it for,” ( here we go again ) “ JACKIE ( TV ) PALLO.”
“ Get off. Kick his head in, Mick,” shouted Aunt B at the screen.
“ What a joke,” said Zed.
“ Quiet,” said Barry. “ Just watch Aunt B. She really gets into it.”
“ Seconds out, round one,” said the ref.
Ding Ding, said the bell.
“ Rip his head off,” screamed B.
“ Oooh, that shouldn’t have happened,” said Ben Ditt. “ He’ll have teeth marks for days.”
“ You do know it’s fixed, don’t you Barry?” asked Zed.
“ Of course I do,” said Barry, “ but she don’t. Let her have her fun.”
“ Ok. Just saying, that’s all. And that’s a wig.”
“ No. Really?” said Barry. “ I didn’t think you were watching.”
“ Arghhh!” came from the telly.
“ Bite his bum,” yelled Aunt B.
Ding Ding.
“ That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages,” said Zed. “ It’s so obvious it’s fake.”
“ Yeah, ok Zed. You can shut up now,” said Barry. “ Considering you like magic so much, you do like to spoil an illusion.”
“ Seconds out. Round two.” Ding Ding.
“ Can’t tell them apart,” Ben Ditt was saying, “ but I’m sure that’s not legal. Oh my god, he’s grabbed his nuts.”
Aunt B was jumping up and down.
“ Flatten the bastard,” she yelled.
“ I wonder what’s on the other side,” said Zed.
Aunt B leant forward.
“ You touch that telly,” she growled quietly in his ear, “ and I’ll slap the shit out of you. Then I’ll slap you for shitting in my living room.”
The colour drained out of Zed’s face.
“ Told you, didn’t I,” said Barry. “ Tit head.”
They sat and watched the final round in silence, apart from Aunt B screaming abuse at the telly when Jackie Pallo was awarded the win. She picked up her coffee cup, and threw it at the telly, but it bounced off and caught Barry in the mouth, knocking out one of his teeth.
“ Cool,” said Barry. “ That means the tooth fairy will come.”
“ They’re not real either,” said Zed.
“ Is there anything you do believe in?” asked Barry.
“ Oh yes,” said Zed. “ Father Christmas. He’s definitely real.”

***
Earlier that day, the gym equipment had arrived and had been set up at the far end of the barn. Barry decided to try out the running machine, and was doing fine, until Zed adjusted the speed control and made it go faster. Needless to say, Barry couldn’t keep up, and ended flat on his face, and then shot off the end. Not put off by Zed’s prank, Barry tried his hand at bench presses. He lay on his back and lifted some weights, up, down, up, down. This is easy, thought Barry. But Penny had joined Zed’s mischievous mood, and they both added more and more weights, until the bar on top of Barry was so heavy, that Justtin had to help him up.
“ Two can play at that game,” said Barry. “ Now it’s my turn.”
“ I’ll help,” said Justtin. “ I do like the odd practical joke, or two.”
And so they hatched their plan.
***
“ And finally, Forfar 5, East Fife 4,” the T.V. announcer said.
“ Blimey,” said Zed, “ I wonder what odds you could get on that ever happening again? That would be worth a fiver.”
“ I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” said Penny.
“ It’s a football score,” said Barry. “ You do know what football is, don’t you?”
“ Of course I do. Twenty-two men in shorts, chasing a lump of leather about a field.”
“ Close enough,” said Barry. “ Talking of shorts, I’m going to change into mine, and go back to the gym. I want to have another go at the running machine.”
And with that, he went off to get changed.
Zed looked at Penny and they both shot out of the kitchen door, to beat Barry to it. But Barry wasn’t bothered. If things worked out right, they would be in for a bit of a shock.
Across the barn floor, ran a thin wire, which was nearly hidden. One end was in a plug, in a wall socket. The other end was attached to the running machine. Zed, in his haste to get to the running machine before Barry, didn’t see the wire, but Penny did.
“ Stop,” she yelled.
Zed stopped in his tracks.
“ What?” he said.
“ The crafty little sod has put a wire down,” said Penny.
They both lifted the wire off the ground and went in opposite directions. Zed traced the wire to the running machine, and with a quick tug, the wire came loose.
Penny ran her hands along the wire, all the way to the wall, and pulled the plug out.
“ Haha,” laughed Zed. “ Caught him out.”
“ Well done, that man,” said Penny.
“ What’s that smell?” said Zed, sniffing his fingers.
“ Smells like jam,” said Penny, sniffing hers.
“ What’s going on?” said Zed.
“ I don’t know,” said Penny.
Barry stopped at the door of the barn, where Justtin was waiting for him, with an old pickle jar, full of wasps.
“ Thank you Justtin,” said Barry. “ That’ll learn ‘em.”
Barry loosened the lid and put the jar, sideways on the ground.
“ He, he, he,” he laughed to himself, as he rolled the jar inside the barn, and pushed the door gently shut. The jar went about fifteen feet into the barn, when the lid eventually came off, and rolled in a different direction.
“ What the…?” said Zed.
“ Oh shit!” said Penny, as the now irate wasps started fleeing the jar and making their way toward the pair.
Barry didn’t want to miss Happy Days, so he left them to it.
“ Hey,” he said, Fonzie style. I’m sure I’ll get to hear about it later, he thought to himself, as he spaced hopped back to the house.

***
“ I can’t believe you helped him,” Zed said to Justtin.
“ Protect at all costs. That’s why I’m here. And that includes practical jokes from you two.”
“ That was a nasty trick to play,” said Penny.
“ No,” said Barry, “ not a trick. Zed does tricks. Revenge is what I call it. No more jokes on me, ok?”
“ Ok,” said Zed, scratching at his stings. “ Hurry up with the calamine.”
“ I’m not finished with it,” said Penny.
“ Mmm,” said Justtin. “ Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

***
The following morning found a warm Sunday. Zed and Penny hadn’t slept much, because of their stings, but Barry had had his best night’s sleep since arriving at the farmhouse, a month ago, safe in the knowledge that no more pranks would be played on him. He got out of bed, got washed and dressed, and went downstairs.
“ Hello deary,” said Aunt B, who was pruning the tree in the kitchen.
Barry couldn’t believe his eyes. He’d seen women wearing boob tubes before, but most of them were younger, not sixty-five. And the colour, bright pink. It just wasn’t right. It didn’t match the lime green thong.
OH NO! Not a thong as well, thought Barry.
“ Want some breakfast?” she asked.
“ Er, no thanks Auntie. I’m in a hurry. Bye.”
“ That’s a pity dear. I was going to ask your opinion about my gear.”
“ Stick to wellies,” Barry shouted from the garden.
He made his way to the barn, and hoped that the robot had finished clearing the wasps.
Justtin had cleared most of the barn, and settled for what he considered to be good enough. He could sense Barry coming toward him, but he also sensed something else, and this something else, he wasn’t sure about. He continued with what he was doing, but had to stop.
This was odd. Up to now, he thought he could deal with any situation, but this was different. This must be what confusion is like, he thought to himself.
“ Hello Justtin,” said Barry.
“ Er, hello,” said Justtin.
“ What’s wrong?” asked Barry.
“ I don’t know,” said Justtin. “ I’m confused, I think.”
“ That doesn’t sound like you,” said Barry. “ What are you confused about?”
“ Well, I could sense you coming here, just now. But I also sense something else, and I don’t know what to make of it.”
“ Do you have any clues at all?”
“ Still not sure, but it’s getting closer, whatever it is.”
“ How much time do we have?” asked Barry, beginning to get agitated.
“ An hour, maximum.”
“ Ok. You stay here and try and figure this thing out. I’ll get the others.”
“ Ok,” said Justtin. “ Something just not quite right.”
But Barry was too busy to hear him, as he rushed back to the house, as fast as his limp would take him, to wake the others.
“ Back so soon?” said Aunt B.
“ Something’s coming,” said Barry in a hurry. “ And get some bloody clothes on.”
“ What’s wrong with these then?” said Aunt B, as she shuffled off to get ready.
Barry limped up the stairs. He would have done it two at a time, but his damaged foot wouldn’t let him.
“ Zed. Penny. Let’s go. Come on. Wakey wakey.”
“ Whassa matter?” said Zed, trying to wake up and talk at the same time.
“ Something’s coming, and Justtin can’t work it out. This could be big trouble. Come on, move it.”
“ Ok. Ok. Calm down. How long have we got?” asked Zed.
“ Less than an hour,” said Barry.
“ Loads of time. Breakfast first, methinks.”
“ Stuff breakfast. We’re just about to be attacked or killed or something, and you’re thinking of food?”
“ Wouldn’t want to die on an empty stomach, would you?”
“ Besides,” said Penny, “ the only way anything can attack us, is from the air, and if I’m right, that’s Justtin’s department.”
“ But he’s busy, trying to work out what is going on.”
“ Ok,” said Zed. “ You go back to the barn and see if he’s come up with anything. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“ Ok,” said Barry, as he went back down the stairs, which he would have done two at a time, etc,etc.
“ Is this any better?” asked Aunt B, who was now wearing a pink tutu, which matched the boob tube ok, but you could still make out the lime green thong underneath.
“ Do you know what?” said Barry.
Aunt B gave him a quizzical look.
“ What?” she said.
“ It doesn’t make any difference at all, because in less than an hour, we’ll all be dead anyway.”
“ That’s nice deary,” said Aunt B.
Barry went back to the barn, and found Justtin exactly where he had left him.
“ You got anything yet?” Barry asked him.
“ Yes. A scrambled message,” said Justtin, “ but you’re not going to like it.”
“ Why, what does it say?”
“ Are you sure you want to hear it?”
“ Might as well. We’ve got nothing else to do.”
“ Ok. It says, Prepare to meet thy maker.”
“ Holy crap, we’re all going to die,” said Barry.
“ Why?” said Zed, as he and Penny entered the barn, followed by what can only be described as an ageing extra from Swan Lake, in wellies.
“ Tell ‘em,” said Barry.
“ I’ve had a scrambled message. It says, Prepare to meet thy maker.”
“ Sounds like they mean business,” said Zed.
“ Well,” said Aunt B. “ I’m not having it.”
“ Not having what?” asked Barry.
“ I’m not having anybody spoil my Sunday. Let me at ‘em.”
“ We need a plan,” said Penny.
“ Zed,” they all said in unison.
“ Already on it,” said Zed, puffing out his chest and feeling important. “Penny, you’re with me. Barry and Justtin, stay together. Look after him Jus.”
“ It will be my pleasure,” said the metal man.
“ B?”
“ Yes deary?”
“ Have you got your walkie-talkie with you?”
“ It’s in the fridge. I’ll go and get it,” said B.
The mind boggles, thought Zed.
“ Good. When you’ve got it, go down to the tank and sit tight. If anything comes up the tunnel, you let rip. Shoot first, ask questions later.”
“ Righty-o deary,” said B.
“ Justtin, are your missiles ready?” asked Zed.
“ Primed and ready, big buddy.”
“ Right, do you have a fix on them yet?”
“ From the south, about ten miles the other side of the river, but making steady progress. Estimated time of arrival, thirty minutes.”
“ Isn’t that marvellous,” said Barry. “ No-one else could have done that.”
“ Isn’t he sweet,” said Penny.
“ Shut up you two,” said Zed. “ We need total concentration. If they’re coming from the river, they can’t cross it. So they’ll have to go round.”
“ Unless they have a boat,” said Barry.
“ They wouldn’t carry a boat over land, would they?” asked Zed, to anyone who might be listening.
“ Or a tank,” suggested Aunt B, walking past with toilet paper hanging out the back of her tutu.
“ Well Justtin, what do you think?” asked Barry.
“ I still don’t know, but I have another message.”
“ Well,” said Barry.
“ Not long now. That’s all it says.”
“ Why would they tell us they’re getting closer?” asked Penny.
“ Good question,” said Justtin. “ But one I don’t have an answer to. Sorry. I feel like I’m letting you all down.”
“ Don’t talk crap,” said Barry. “ We wouldn’t know this much without you.
Just let us know if there’s any change.”
“ I feel so much better,” said Justtin.
“ So what do we do now?” asked Barry.
“ Um,” said Justtin.
“ We wait, I guess,” said Zed.
“ Er,” said Justtin.
“ This is the bit I hate most,” said Aunt B over the walkie-talkie.
“ Me too,” said Barry, who noticed that Justtin was trying to say something.
“ What’s up Jus?” he asked the robot.
“ You know that change you wanted me to tell you about,” said Justtin.
“ Yes,” said Barry.
“ It’s just happened, and I now know why I’ve been confused.”
“ Why? What’s going on?” asked Barry.
“ What ever it is, it’s in the air.”
“ What?” said Barry. “ A flying boat? That’s novel. At least we now know how they will get across the river.”
“ But surely,” said Penny, “ if it’s metal, you would know what it is?”
“ Yeah, funny that,” said Justtin. “ That’s what I’ve been scanning for all this time, but it’s not metal. I mean, there is metal there, but not enough to be an aircraft or helicopter. Just small traces. Still don’t know what it is though.”
“ How far is it?” asked Zed.
“ Couple of miles. We should get a visual in a few minutes.”
They all looked towards the southern sky, and sure enough, something came up over the trees.
“ I don’t believe it,” said Barry. “ We’re being attacked by a hot air balloon.”
“ They must be desperate,” said Zed.
“ I think we are all wrong,” said Justtin.
“ What do you mean?” asked Barry.
“ It’s not that hard to work out, when you think about it. Who’s the one person I’ve not physically met yet?”
“ I don’t follow you,” said Barry.
“ The first message was for me. Prepare to meet thy maker. Barry, it’s your dad.”
“ What?”
“ Trust me,” said Justtin. “ The whole reason I was confused, was because I didn’t register a threat. I thought the message a bit odd. It all makes sense now.”
“ So, you’re telling me that my dad’s in that thing?” said Barry, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
“ Yes Barry. I have another message coming in. Look at my screen.”
Barry looked and read, “ Get out of the bloody way, or I’ll put this down on your head. P. S. Hi son.”
“ Wow,” said Barry, and as he looked up to the sky to watch his dad land the balloon, he started to cry. Penny put her arm around him, and he buried his face in her shoulder. The different emotions hit him all at once. He was scared, happy and even a little sad, that maybe their little adventure was coming to an end. We needn’t worry about that for a little while though, readers. Plenty more going on in that old head of mine. I’ll get that fixed one day.
They all moved back to a safe distance, and foot-by-foot, inch-by-inch, the balloon got closer to the ground. Then as softly as it had flown, the basket under the balloon touched the ground, and stayed there.
Dad jumped out of the basket and stood there, looking straight at Barry. Barry was now crying so much, he couldn’t see his dad through the tears.
“ Come here son,” said dad.
Barry still couldn’t see anything, but he followed the voice, and with his arms raised, to cuddle his father, he ran as fast as his limp would allow, straight past his dad, and smack, into the side of the basket his dad had just got out of.
“ No change there then,” said dad.

***
“ Can I pull the trigger yet?” said Aunt B over the walkie-talkie.
“ No,” said Zed. “ There’s no need, B. You better come back. We have a visitor.”
“ Have I got time to put on some lippy?” she asked.
“ Do as you’re told,” said dad.
“ I know that voice. That’s Brian the butcher. I’ll be right there,” said B. “ Oh, over and out.”
“ Still as daft as a brush,” said dad. “ So, did I miss anything?” And as Barry sat and cuddled his dad, they took it in turns to tell their story.
Zed made a call to the Ministry, and told them what was going on, and ordered pizza for dinner. Aunt B was wondering what had happened to Brian the butcher. Penny made sandwiches and tea, and Justtin was talking to the balloon, which didn’t take long, because the balloon didn’t talk back. Justtin soon had other things on his mind. Dad had given him a new memory chip, and once it was installed, Justtin suddenly had all the missing information on Barry’s mum.
“ It won’t change him, will it?” asked Barry.
“ I don’t think so, why?”
“ I sort of made a promise.”
“ No, it won’t change him. I’m just adding the programme including your mother. I didn’t add her to the original chip, well, for two reasons really. Firstly to protect her from whatever was going to happen.”
“ Yeah. Penny figured that out.”
“ She’s a clever girl, that one. Jim said she would be an asset.”
“ Jim Bond? We met him. He’s ok. But what about mum’s picture? It didn’t look right.”
“ Oh, yes. I’d forgotten about that. The picture was taken at the same time as mine, but we had to super-impose it onto another background to give the impression that we weren’t together. Just trying to throw them off the scent, I suppose.”
“ Oh,” said Barry. “ Where is she now?”
“ In Scotland, staying with friends.”
“ Is she ok? I mean, is she safe?”
“ Oh, yes. They won’t go to Scotland.”
“ Why not?”
“ Too bloody cold.”
“ Oh,” said Barry. He thought for a second. “ You said there were two reasons for not putting mum on the chip.”
“ That’s right, my boy. I didn’t have time. All the moving around we did in the first couple of weeks, things were a little chaotic, to say the least. But, things slowed down and we settled in the place in Scotland. I’ve had plenty of time to perfect the chip, and add a few extras.”
“ Like what?”
“ Well, Justtin is now capable detecting any one of us, up to a distance of one hundred and twenty miles, as long as we wear one of these.”
Dad showed Barry a small metal badge.
“ As long as you wear the badge, Justtin can pinpoint your position, within a five yard radius.”
“ Wow,” said Barry, very impressed. “ What else can he do?”
“ Lots of things, but we can talk about that over the next couple of days. Then, I’m afraid, I must leave you again.”
“ I had a feeling you were going to say that. Can I go with you?”
“ I wish you could, but it’s far too dangerous. Besides, you have some good friends here, and you’re probably a lot safer.”
“ So why don’t you stay here as well?”
It seemed logical to Barry, that if they were safer there, then why didn’t dad stay?
“ I’ve got to get back to your mum. She misses you, you know.”
“ Yeah, I know. I miss her too. Can I phone her?”
“ No, they might be able to trace the call.”
“ All this secrecy. I wish I’d known before.”
“ We didn’t want you involved.”
“ It’s a bit late now,” said Barry. “ I already am. And it hasn’t done Zed any harm.”
“ I’ll talk to Jacob’s, and see what we can do.”
“ Cool,” said Barry, who yawned.
“ Get some rest lad. We’ll talk some more later.”
But Barry didn’t hear him. He was too busy snoring.

***
“ Prepare to meet thy maker. That’s good. That’s very good.” Justtin was making his way around the grounds, and happily muttering to himself. Like you do.
“ Hot air balloon,” he tutted. “ Well, I’ll know next time. I know what to look for now, don’t I.”
“ Hello Justtin,” said dad.
“ Ah! The maker man. You had me worried for a while.”
“ Yes, sorry about that. I’m just glad you didn’t open fire.”
“ Me too. I wanted to, but for some reason, I didn’t see you as a threat. I don’t quite understand it, but I knew we were safe.”
“ You’ve done much more than I expected, and for that, I thank you.”
“ Aw, shucks. If I could blush, I would.”
“ A change of colour might suit you. I can arrange it for you.”
“ What? A paint job. Now there’s a thought.”
“ Anything in mind?” asked dad.
“ Well, now you come to mention it, yes. Claret and blue actually.”
“ I can guess the reason why. The boys are both West Ham supporters, like me. I like the idea.”
“ Oh, er, no. That’s not the reason.”
“ Oh?”
“ No, you see, I’m made of metal, which means I can’t bruise. Claret and blue are the closest colours I can think of, that come anywhere near. So the next time Barry hurts himself, well, I figured he wouldn’t feel so bad.”
“ That’s very thoughtful. I wish I’d thought of it first.”
“ I could always say that it was your idea.”
“ Let’s get out of this little scrape first, and we can consider it done,” said dad. Who’s going to mess with a seven- foot tall, metal West Ham fan, dad thought?
The pizza arrived and everybody tucked in. The kitchen, as usual, was buzzing with laughter and chat. Barry sat next to his dad, for the first time, in what seemed like ages, because it was. Zed reached for the last slice of pizza, but Penny slapped the back of his hand, and as Zed pulled his hand away, dad grabbed the slice and gave it to Barry. Everybody laughed, except Zed, who was busy rubbing his hand. But he saw the funny side, after a minute or two.
Aunt B put some cups on the table, and filled them with Tizer.
“ I wish to propose a toast,” she said.
Everyone turned to look at her, and they all thought pretty much the same thing. Oh no, what’s she going to do now. But she surprised them all, as she stood and raised her glass.
“ Togetherness,” she said.
“ Togetherness,” everybody echoed.
Something had to happen. It did.
Barry slipped off his chair, banging his chin on the table’s edge and sending his glass of Tizer in the air. As Barry hit the floor, his arm knocked Aunt B’s chair, just as she was sitting down. Her bottom missed the chair by inches, and she joined Barry on the floor, with a bump, and rolled onto her back, also throwing her Tizer into the air. By this time, Barry’s drink had already picked it’s spot and was currently soaking into dad’s shirt. Aunt B’s drink liked the idea, and joined it.
“ Ung!” said Aunt B.
“ What?” said Zed.
“ Ung! Apparently,” said dad, wiping Tizer from his face with his already wet shirt.
“ There’s something you don’t see every day,” he said.

Loopy Stuff.com

good morning listeners. lower case for the moment, because my fingers are asleep. and hello to my fan...neil. you are now a star in the world of blog. tho don't expect too much, or i'll have to start charging. Good news people. i had my first consultation with my web site builder, and thing's are looking good. Lots of interesting idea's and hopefully we will meet more than halfway on the design side. Not much left to say. Bye for now.

North Romford News

It's been snowing!! No really!! I read it in the paper. Apparently it was cold and wet!! Goodness!! What ever next?
It was a great opportunity to get out there and interview some people. The problem was, there was no-one around. Even Collier Row's finest little chav shits stayed indoors.
This was a great day for our local bus drivers too. No-one to throw anything, not even snow balls at the buses. Local Government, please take note!!!
True story coming up. I was on my usual bus to work, when we turned into Western Road. The bus had to slow down for some reason, and I just happened to look out the window at this guy who saw me looking back. He scooped up a handful of snow, so I grabbed my phone, and put my camera on. He obviously realised this, when he saw the white dot facing him, and he immediately threw the snowball behind him. Straight into the path of an oncoming Police vehicle.
I laughed out loud.
What a prize twat.
The police pulled him over, and as the bus pulled away from the scene, I put my phone away and flicked the bird at him. It seemed right under the circumstances.
But there are always the idiots who think they are funny. Like the two morons who, seeing the chaos at the top of Avelon Road, thought it was really funny to put a barrier across the bottom of the road. I hope one day they will stop and think about that, when an ambulance needs to get through to help their mum. Arseholes.

Loopy Stuff.com

Busy, busy, busy. And that's just the people around me. Loopystuff.com will hopefully go live next month, where you can find all this rubbish and more, but on a bigger scale.
I have the domain organized, it's just a matter of building the site. I could attempt it myself but i know nothing about the where's and why's, so i will be helped by an old mate to get me up to speed.
I'm hoping to show funny video's before they get to youtube, but that's always a risk, and copyright permitting. There will be plenty of scrawlings from me. Some funny pics to browse, and the whole of Justtin will be there to read at your leisure.
Paypal will be added, strictly as a donation thing. Who knows, maybe one fine day, Justtin will get published. If so, paypal will have served a purpose, if not, then i will hold the second book to ransom..
I'm hoping to add other features, like adding your bit to a story i start. There will also be a forum, so you can chat about what you've read, or simply make up a story of your own.
That's the latest about the website. Hope you can join in the fun. All contributions will be welcome.

Sports News Update

Cricket...In the First test in South Africa, the game was stopped due to bad play. The organisers are looking at the rule book to see if there is anything they can do to get a result. Meanwhile, the English Captain took the opportunity to thank his team for a job badly done.
In World Cup news, the games in South Africa will go ahead as planned, even though the Stadiums have been completed on time. In a news conference, the head of the 2010 World Cup planning committee said " It gives me great pleasure," to which he received a nominal round of applause before being ushered away to other business.
In dominoes, the Horse and Cart team have been disqualified from the UK Finals for farting for the second year running. The Brixton based team were outraged by the judges decision, but referee Jeff Winters said " OK, I might be new to this but the rules state, a farts a fart. I had to disqualify the Horse and Cart team for those reasons."

Night Shift News

Good Morning listeners. Long overdue, here's the latest Night Shift News. After the bizarre events of Monday night, the participants of the Royal Mail Elfs video have disbanded due to musical differences. After viewing the video, most members decided it was best to quit while ahead.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_4xAV7v30s

Judge for yourselves. Or your elfs?
In other news, NASA have successfully launched a rocket. It went up and disappeared through the the clouds and was eventually lost to sight. A NASA spokesman said they had waited a ' lifetime to see that happen'. When asked about the 120 something shuttle launches, he said, " I only started here last month."
Russian heavy metal star Vladimir Bollockov has decided to give up his trade after 30 years in the business. When he was recently asked why, he replied, " All those chains were getting me down. No, I mean really getting me down. At one time i was wearing nearly a ton of metal. Each time I moved I felt the entire stage sway under my feet. For my own safety, I felt it was better to give it all up." When asked what he would do now, he said quietly, " I want to join the Russian State Circus. I have practised on the trapeze and i love it. That's what I will do next. Then I can watch the whole World sway under my feet."
Sport News has no surprises today. As already mentioned, Tiger is still being a pussy, ex-Liverpool player Patrik Berger is a vegetarian, and the British Lions are actually people.
Fans of Sheffield Wednesday are a little bewildered, as their team keep playing at weekends.
Fans of Nottingham Forest and Notts County got together recently, but only to vent their spleen at the local constabulary for keeping both parties in the same City.
And finally a bit of luck for Gretna Football Club. Having been disbanded recently due to financial problems, they have been given the chance to move a bit further South to Warrington, where the fans are expected to flood in.

Justtin

Chapter eight
The second coming

A few days had passed without incident, which was a blessing for Barry, as it gave him time to recuperate. But the children were bored, being confined to the grounds of the farmhouse.
Suddenly, Zed remembered something. In amongst the boxes of stuff that he had brought back from the village, was a junior magic set.
“ Cool,” said Zed, as he set about learning some tricks to impress Penny. For two hours he sat in his bedroom practising, and every few minutes or so, Barry and Penny could hear, “ Ta-da!”
They were obviously curious, but Zed had asked them not to interrupt, so they kept out of his way.
But, of course, Aunt B had other ideas. She was sitting in a tree, outside the bedroom window, with binoculars, and each time Zed said “ Ta-da,” Aunt B would say “ Ta-da,” as well. Zed assumed he could hear the natural echo of the bedroom, and didn’t take much notice, until the echo changed to “ Ta-daaarrgghh!” as Aunt B slipped and fell out of the tree. As she landed on her feet, there was a snap.
“ Spare leg, spare leg,” she called.
Barry and Penny rushed outside to see what the commotion was. Aunt B was laying on her back, with one and a half legs in the air, and thrashing hers arms about, like a swimmer that was about to drown, and going down for the third time.
“ Ta-da,” she said.
“ Ta-da,” said Zed, totally oblivious of what had happened in the garden, but still managing to pull a bunch of flowers from his jacket sleeve.
“ I’ll go and get a spare,” said Barry. “ I know where they’re kept.”
“ There’s none left,” said Aunt B. “ What am I going to do?”
“ I’ll go and talk to Justtin,” said Barry. “ Maybe he can come up with something.”
And off Barry went.
Penny tried to help B up, but B was too heavy, even for a strapping young lass like Penny. So, they both sat and waited for Barry to return, with a leg of some sort.
“ Ta-da,” said Zed.
***
Barry found Justtin polishing the tractor. Well, not really polishing. More like pushing the dirt around. Barry approached Justtin quietly, because Justtin was humming to himself. It was a tune he’d made up, all on his giant lonesome.
“ Hum, hum, hum, humhumhum,” he went, as he thought about forming his own rock band. Or what about a heavy metal band, he thought. He could call it Metallica, he thought. It would never catch on, he thought. So he stopped humming, and listened to Barry creeping up behind him.
“ What do you want?” he asked.
“ Oh bugger! You heard me?”
“ Of course. Out with it. I’m busy.”
“ Oh, right. Doing what exactly?”
“ Mind your own. So, what do you want?”
“ I need a favour. Well, Aunt B does, anyway.”
“ Let me guess. No, don’t tell me. I’m good at these. It’s coming. Almost got it. I know. She needs another leg. Am I right, or what?”
“ Amazing,” said Barry. “ But, how did you know?”
“ When she landed, she fell on her walkie-talkie. I heard everything.”
Barry felt like he’d been cheated, but carried on, all the same.
“ Well, can you do it?”
“ Yeah. There’s plenty of wood lying around. Mind you, there’s enough metal in those boxes,” said Justtin, looking at the ammunition. “ Maybe I should make one that lasts a bit longer.”
“ You can’t use the weapons?”
“ Why not? Its not like we’re going to use all of them, is it?”
“ But what if it goes off?”
“ Depends on where it’s pointing.”
“ What?”
“ Only joking. They won’t be loaded, obviously. But it gives me an idea.”
“ What?”
“ Detachable weapons.”
“ What?”
“ Just an idea.”
“ What?”
“ Will you shut up with the what’s. At least let me think.”
“ But what about her leg?” Barry asked, feeling like he was getting nowhere fast.
“ Is the other one badly broken?” Justtin asked.
“ I dunno,” said Barry who hadn’t stopped to find out, and wishing he could be a bit more observant in these situations.
“ Well, find out. Go and stick a nail in it, or something. Here, take this,”
“ Why, what is it?”
“ Gaffer tape. It always comes in handy.”
“ Ok,” said Barry, as he set off back to where Aunt B was, and wondering what he was meant to do with a roll of silver tape.
“ I wonder,” Justtin said to himself, as he set about the day’s new task.
***
“ What were you doing?” Penny asked B.
“ I was keeping an eye on lover boy for you.”
“ What?” said Penny, blushing. “ He’s not my lover boy.”
“ Poppycock. You can’t fool me, young lady. I know the signs,” said B. “ If you two don’t become an item, then I wasn’t in the SAS. Oh bugger! I wasn’t supposed to say that.”
“ You were in the SAS?” asked Penny.
“ No. You must have heard me wrong. I said MAS.”
“ MAS. What’s that?”
“ Marks and Spencer’s.”
“ Oh,” said Penny, not believing a word.
***
Barry returned from the barn with the roll of tape, and looked for the broken stump.
“ Where’s my leg?” asked B.
“ Justtin’s in the barn working on a new one, as we speak. But I don’t know how long it’s going to take. In the meantime, I’m going to try and patch up the old one, if I can find the broken bit.”
“ How?” asked B.
“ With this tape,” said Barry.
“ Is this it?” asked Penny, as she held up the broken table leg.
“ That’s the fella,” said B.
“ Right then,” said Barry. “ Let’s get to work.”
“ What do we need?” asked Penny.
“ We’ll need some splints to put either side, then we can tape the whole thing together. That should do until Justtin finishes what he’s doing.”
They all looked toward the barn as the bangs and crashes started.
“ What’s he doing?” asked Penny.
“ No idea,” Barry lied. He wasn’t going to make them worry about anything more. Not for a while, anyway.
He applied himself to Aunt B’s leg, and was pleased with the final result, as he got her to stand on her own two feet, unaided.
“ Ta-da,” said Barry.
“ Ta-da,” said Zed.
“ Ta-da,” said Aunt B, as she put some weight on her new leg.
SNAP, said the leg.
“ Oh bugger,” said Aunt B.
***
“ She said she was in the SAS,” said Penny.
“ Figures,” said Zed.
“ What would make her say that?” asked Barry.
Penny remembered the conversation that led to Aunt B’s admission, and went the shade of red usually reserved for a post office van.
“ I don’t know,” she lied. “ But she definitely said it. That would explain a lot.
The way she dealt with those guys the other day. It was awesome.”
“ Bloody scary, if you ask me,” said Barry. “ All that blood. Yuk!”
“ If we stay around here, I guess we’ll have to get used to it,” said Zed. “ I didn’t realise what a professional she was.”
“ Is,” corrected Barry.
“ Correctomundo,” said Zed.
“ Is that another one of those magic words you’ve been learning, like abracadabra?”
“ No. It’s just a saying, like, fab, or pucker. It doesn’t actually mean anything, but it gets used a lot.”
“ Oh,” said Barry, none the wiser, and wishing he’d never asked.
“ So,” he went on, “ how’s the magic coming on, anyway.”
“ Pretty good,” said Zed, chuffed with himself. “ Do you want to see some?”
“ Oooh, yes please,” said Penny, getting excited.
“ If we must,” said Barry, not really bothered.
Zed went off to get a few props, and two minutes later, he returned with a small table, on which he had a wand and some cups, a large top hat, and some playing cards. Well, it wouldn’t be real magic if it didn’t have the cards, would it kids?
“ Can I have an accomplice from the audience, please?” asked Zed.
Penny got up to help Zed, and Barry sat on his own, and made himself comfortable. Now we’ll begin.
Zed hid his mouth, and said,
“ Ladies and Gentlemen. Please welcome, Zed the Great.”
Penny clapped. Barry yawned.
“ For my first trick,” Zed went on, “ my accomplice will choose a card from the pack. Don’t show me. Ok, now show the audience.”
Penny showed Barry the three of hearts.
“ Now, put it back in the pack.”
Penny did as she was told. Zed tapped the top of the pack with his wand, and pulled a card from the pack.
“ Was it this card?” he said as he showed Penny and Barry the ten of clubs.
“ No,” said Penny.
Barry couldn’t say anything. He was laughing too much.
“ Barry, would you please stand up,” said Zed, with a sly grin.
Still laughing, Barry stood up.
“ Now Barry, please reach under the cushion you were just sitting on.”
Barry did as he was told, and felt something. He pulled out a card and turned it over.
It was the three of hearts.
Barry wasn’t laughing now. In fact he felt a bit stupid.
“ Ta-da!” said Zed.
“ Wow,” said Barry. “ Any more?”
“ Loads,” said Zed, and proceeded to entertain Penny and Barry for the next half an hour. There were rabbit’s coming out of hats, and coins behind ears, and doves and handkerchiefs galore. At the end, Barry and Penny clapped and cheered for all they were worth, and called for more.
“ Naff off,” said Zed. “ I’m knackered.”
“ How did you do it?” asked a now interested Barry.
“ Sorry mate,” said Zed. “ Trade secret, but one last trick. For you,” he said, pulling a bunch of flowers from his sleeve, and offering them to Penny.
Penny did her post office van impression again.
“ I’ll get some water,” said Barry.
“ Don’t be daft. They’re plastic,” said Zed.
“ For Penny, dumdum. She looks like she could use it.”
“ Oh yeah. Right you are.”
“ That was great,” she said when Barry was out of earshot. “ Thanks for the flowers.”
“ It was nothing, really,” said Zed, blushing. “ I’ll need them back eventually, otherwise I can’t do it again.”
“ I’ll give you these, when you get me some real ones.”
“ Er, ok. I have to go to the village later. I’ll see what I can do.”
“ Can’t wait,” said Penny.
Barry returned with the water, while Zed the Great cleared away his table of tricks.
“ I suppose we should go back and see if Aunt B’s ok,” Barry said to Penny.
“ The poor old thing has been sitting under that tree for almost an hour now.”
“ She’s probably found something to keep her quiet,” said Penny.
“ That’s what worries me,” said Barry.
Zed left for the village, and Barry and Penny went and found Aunt B where they’d left her.
“ There’s a first,” said Barry, as he stared at his sleeping Aunt.
***
“ All done,” said Justtin. “ I suppose I’ll have to go and get the old bag now.”
He left the barn and weaving in and out of the foxholes, left by Aunt B’s infatuation with hand grenades, he reached the trio, still sitting under the tree.
“ You’ve been ages,” said Barry. “ Is everything ok?”
“ It’s leg time,” said Justtin. The machinery in Justtin’s head tried to make him smile, but all Barry heard was a grinding sound, and he was convinced he saw a small puff of smoke, come out the back of the robot’s head. Nobody else seemed to notice, so Barry kept quiet.
“ But you’ll have to come to the barn.”
“ You’re a funny bugger,” said B. “ What shall I do, crawl?”
“ If you like,” said Justtin. “ Or, I can carry you.”
“ Ooooh!” said B. “ A fireman’s lift? Why not? It has been a few years.”
Justtin bent forward as far as his frame would let him, and then extended his arms, with the help of his hydraulic system, to lift Aunt B off the ground.
“ How comes the weight of Aunt B, doesn’t make you fall over?” Penny asked innocently.
“ Because of the weight of my batteries, are in my base. I’m a bit like Aunt B in that respect. Bottom heavy.”
“ Watch it, buster.”
“ Or?”
“ I can reach your power switch from here,” threatened B.
“ You touch that switch, and I’ll inject your wooden leg with dry rot,” Justtin threatened back.
“ Will you two knock it off,” said Barry. “ It’s like being in the infants.”
B, Penny and Justtin stopped what they were doing, to stare at Barry. None of them had been in the infants. What was he talking about?
Of course, Barry didn’t know that.
Justtin had only come to life a month ago. Penny had always been on the farm, and was taught at home by her parents. And as for B, she never really had any education, which, in those days, made her the perfect candidate for the armed forces. Once you were in, you were given an education.
Of course, it’s different now. If you have an education, you’re in. The better the education, the higher up the command scale you go. And if you have a degree, better yet. You become King or something, and then you own the bloody army. And so it goes on. The rich get richer, and the poor are allowed a better class of tongue, for cleaning rich people’s shoes.
“ We have to sort out Aunt B’s leg,” Barry went on.
“ What’s the hurry?” said Justtin.
“ None whatsoever,” said Aunt B, who was still spoiling for an argument. But before she could utter another word, Justtin set her down on a makeshift workbench.
“ Don’t run away,” he said to B, as he pulled Barry to one side.
“ I’m going to need your help.”
“ Doing what?” asked Barry.
“ Keeping her quiet, for starters.”
“ You’re not going to do any surgery or anything, are you?”
“ I might wire her mouth shut,” said Justtin, thinking out loud, or loud enough for Barry to hear. The boy looked at Justtin, quizzically.
“ Not really, but she don’t know that,” Justtin continued.
“ So, what do you want me to do?”
“ I’m going to get Aunt B to lay on her side, so keep her talking while I give her an injection.”
“ An injection?” said Barry, almost too loud.
“ Ssshhh!” said Justtin. “ Don’t tell her that. The injection will make her go quiet for about half an hour. And that’s enough time for me to do my thing.”
“ So, what is your thing, exactly?” asked Barry.
“ It’s this,” said Justtin. He lifted the lid off a box at his side, to reveal a shiny new leg for Aunt B, made out of a rocket launcher.
“ You can’t,” said Barry.
“ Too bloody late,” said Justtin. “ I already have. Now, are you going to help me, or what?”
“ Don’t have much of a choice really, do I? She can’t use the table leg any more. It keeps breaking.”
Barry looked at the leg, rocket launcher, and had a thought.
“ It doesn’t still work, does it?” he asked.
“ Yep. With a slight modification. She’ll have to wear a boot over it at all times. If she takes the boot off, it’s primed and ready to fire, immediately.”
“ You’re joking?” asked Barry.
“ I didn’t have a great deal of time, did I? I thought I’d done alright, considering.”
“ Yeah, I mean, you’ve done a great job. I just wish it wasn’t so complicated. But, let’s just say, that the boot is off. How is it fired?”
“ A trigger mechanism, that I will fit in her kneecap. As I said, I didn’t have much time.”
“ What if she kneels on something?” asked Barry.
“ Well, if she has her boot on, it’s not a problem.”
“ And if she doesn’t?” asked Barry.
“ Don’t stand behind her.”
And the next hour was spent, fitting Aunt B’s new leg launcher, as Justtin decided to call it.
***
When Zed returned from the village, he spied a beautiful white sports car, parked in the drive. Never seen one like that before, he thought, and wandered into the kitchen to see what was going on.
“ Hi Zed,” said Barry.
“ I got a new leg,” said B, tapping it with a spoon.
“ Doesn’t sound like wood,” said Zed.
“ It ain’t,” said B. “ It’s a leg launcher,” she announced, proudly.
“ A what?” said Zed.
“ I’ll explain later,” said Barry.
“ Ok,” said Zed. “ So, whose car is that outside?”
“ Cool isn’t it?” said Barry. “ It belongs to Penny’s uncle. He’s talking to her in the living room. They’ll be out soon. They just wanted some privacy.”
“ What?” said Zed, with a pang of jealousy. “ He could be one of them.”
“ I doubt it, deary,” said Aunt B. “ That’s Jim Bond. Secret Agent, he is.”
“ Didn’t you see the number plate?” Barry asked.
“ No, why?” said Zed, wondering if he’d missed something important.
“ Double 0 8.”
“ 008? What’s that?”
“ Promotion, deary. That’s what that is.”
“ Exciting, isn’t it?” said Barry.
“ What is?” said Zed.
“ Having 008 here.”
“ I s’pose so,” said Zed, still not grasping the situation, but thinking quickly.
Then he realised.
“ So, you mean 00 bloody 8 is in the other room, and he’s Penny’s uncle?”
“ Oh yes, deary,” said B. “ Why, didn’t you know her surname was Bond?”
“ Penny Bond. Penny Bond,” Zed said a few times, and thought it a few more.
“ No,” he said, after a while. “ I can’t find anything funny in Penny Bond.”
“ Your not supposed to,” said Aunt B. “ This is a serious bit.”
“ Oh, right,” said Zed, who sat and thought.
“ Don’t you just hate these irritating pauses,” said B, while waiting.
“ Ok. I’ve got it,” said Zed at last. “ So if Jim Bond, 008…”
“ L T K,” interrupted Barry.
“ What?” said Zed, a little annoyed that he’d had to stop.
“ L T K. Licensed to kill.”
“ Oh God,” said Zed, beginning to get the hump with the whole thing. “ Of course. Silly me. Should have known. Shall I continue?”
“ Yes,” said Barry, noticing a slight tone of sarcastic anger. That boy needs therapy, he thought.
“ Right,” Zed continued. “ So, if Jim Bond, 008, licensed to kill is a secret agent, he must know Barry's dad, and the others.”
“ You would have thought that, wouldn’t you,” said Aunt B, “ but, no. Different agency altogether. You, and Barry’s dad, and the other’s, as you put it, work for the Government. A small part of it, anyway. You know it as the Ministry for Information, or M.I.3. for short. Old Jimbo, in there, works for the Military. Stuck up git. Film stars, the lot of them.”
“ But it’s still Her Majesty’s Secret Service, surely?” said Zed.
“ Of course it is,” said Aunt B. “ She just doesn’t know about that bit yet.”
“ What, you mean a secret, secret agency?” asked Zed.
“ Erm. Let me see,” said B. “ Yes, sounds about right. Clever, eh! Who’d ever suspect? A secret agency that are so secret, their leader, Her Maj, don’t even know about them.”
“ It all seems a bit unbelievable,” said Barry.
“ You mean you understood all that?” asked Zed.
“ No, not really,” said Barry.
“ Oh, good,” said Zed. “ I thought you were getting ahead of me for a minute.”
“ Hi Zed,” said Penny, as she entered the kitchen, followed by a tall, dark handsome fellow, in a Naval uniform.
“ This is my Uncle Jim,” she said.
“ Hi,” said Zed, eyeing him suspiciously.
“ Ah, you must be Agent Hercules. My name is Bond, Jim Bond. My niece has been telling me all about you.”
“ Well, I hope she got it right.”
“ Meaning?”
“ I have absolutely no idea. So I take it your up to speed with everything?”
“ More than you think. My informers tell me that there is no Iraqi activity in the area, so you can relax for a while. My information comes from a very reliable source, so all I can ask you for, is your trust.”
“ So who shouldn’t we trust?” asked Zed.
“ At the moment, both agency’s are doing everything they can to sort out this mess. As soon as we know anything, you will be the second to know.”
Barry sat quietly, trying to work it out for himself, but gave up.
“ In the meantime, just sit tight and try and relax. You’ll need to keep yourselves fit, so I’m having some exercise equipment installed in the barn. That should keep you entertained for a while.”
“ Bond. Come in Bond. That bloody man will be the death of me.”
“ What was that?” asked Barry.
“ What was what?” said Bond.
“ Bond. I know you can hear me, you bastard.”
“ That!”
“ Oh, that. Excuse me,” said Bond, raising his wristwatch to his mouth.
“ Hello, Jim Bond here,” he said to his watch, while watching the kids watch him.
“ About fucking time. Where have you been?”
“ Steady. Kids about,” said Bond.
“ Ah, right. I take it then, that you’ve made contact with Agent Hercules, and young Master Trotter?”
“ I have them all with me, right now.”
“ Have they been briefed?”
“ Yes, sir.”
“ Ok. Well done, Bond. I have a call to take on another line, so I’ll let you get on with it. But before I go, just one thing, which is very important.”
“ What’s that?”
“ Next time you call me sir, make it with a capital S. There’s a good chap.”
“ Yes, Sir.”
“ And we’ve got these lousy things,” said Barry, holding up his walkie-talkie.
Bond sniggered.
“ I’ll see what I can do,” he said.
***
“ Right, before I go, is there anything you need?” said Bond.
“ I’m not sure,” said Zed. “ The Ministry supply us with all the food we need.”
“ Anything else you can think of?” asked Bond.
“ Flying lessons,” said Aunt B.
“ What for?” asked Barry.
“ I’ve ordered a Harrier Jump Jet, haven’t I, Jim boy?”
“ Yes. They’re quite easy when you know how. Excellent choice.”
“ Cool,” said Zed.
“ Wow,” said Barry. “ An aircraft named after my mum.”
“ No, not Harriet. It’s Harrier, like carrier, as in bag,” said Zed.
“ Oh,” said Barry, a little disappointed.
“ Well, that’s enough chit chat for me,” said Bond. “ I’m going to make a move.”
“ Ok,” said Zed. “ It was nice to meet you.”
“ Likewise,” said Bond. He turned and nodded to Aunt B.
“ Goodbye deary,” she said.
“ Goodbye Barry. And don’t worry about your folks. They’ll turn up soon.”
“ Thanks,” said Barry. “ And don’t forget the watches.”
“ I won’t,” said Bond. “ And as for you, young lady, I will be in touch with you soon.”
Penny smiled her smile.
“ Don’t leave it so long next time,” she said.
“ Trust me.”
“ No chance. You’re a secret agent.”
“ Oh yes, you’re right. Take care.”
“ Bye all,” said Bond, and with that he was gone.
“ Nice wheels,” said Justtin. “ Couldn’t understand a word she was saying though. Some kind of Italian slang.”
“ I wondered where you were,” said Barry.
“ I was chatting up the Fiat. Italians are hard work.”
“ Well, if Aunt B gets her way, there could be a nice big jump jet to play with,” said Barry.
“ Oooh! When, when, when?” said Justtin, just a little excited.
“ When it gets here,” said Barry.
“ If it gets here,” said Zed.
“ Why if?” asked Penny.
“ I’m sorry Pen, but I’m not sure I trust him.”
“ Well, he’s my Uncle, and I do trust him.”
“ Yeah, me too,” said Barry. “ He’s on telly and everything.”
“ Get real,” said Zed. “ What do you think, B?”
“ Sound as a pound, that one. We worked together years ago.”
“ Really? When?” asked Penny, prying.
“ During the good old days.”
“ While you were in the MAS?” asked Penny.
“ Something like that, deary.”
“ What, something like MAS?” said Penny, still prying.
“ Like SAS, maybe,” said Zed, trying to trip Aunt B up.
“ I knew I shouldn’t have said anything,” said Aunt B, tripped like a good ‘un.
“ So, it is true,” said Penny. “ I knew it.”
“ Yes, it’s true,” said B. “ I was the only female officer to ever make the grade. But what I’ve told you is a secret. This information must not leave these grounds.”
“ Were you part of Dad’s plan as well?” asked Barry.
“ Of course, deary. Only we didn’t bank on things going this far. Zed is considered, by the powers that be, to be the one in charge,” Zed puffed his chest out as far as it would go, “ but he still needs all the help he can get.”
Zed deflated his chest. I was this close to feeling proud, he thought to himself.
“ And he’ll get it,” said Penny.
“ Of course he will,” said Barry.
“ Whoopee!” said Zed.
“ I have a question,” said Barry, “ and probably a stupid one, but why will we be the second to know, you know, if something happens?”
“ Because they will be the first to know, O stupid one,” said Zed.
“ Oh yeah! Thanks mate. It was bothering me,” said Barry, now understanding.
“ Really,” said Zed. “ Never have guessed.”
***
They did as they were told, and relaxed. Well, most of them did.
Zed, all of a sudden, took to worrying about the slightest detail. He wondered if Fort Knocks, as they decided to call their camp, was as impregnable as they had hoped.
The electrified fence was working. They knew that because of the badgers and foxes that occasionally exploded on contact, and because of the low hum you could hear, if you got close enough.
The armed guard on the gate, were Ministry elite troops, so that didn’t worry Zed. The only point of entry he could think of, was from the air, and Justtin had ground to air missiles, so that wouldn’t be much of a threat.
Then it hit him, like a huge wet salmon across the face.
Underground. The tunnels leading from the river.
“ Oh shit!” said Zed, and he started to run toward the barn.
“ What’s up with him?” said Barry.
“ Don’t know deary. We’d better go with him.”
The rest of them followed Zed to the barn, leaving Justtin to patrol the grounds.
“ What’s up?” said Penny, being the first to arrive and watching Barry and Aunt B limping in behind her.
“ The tunnels. It’s the only way they can get in. We need to block them,” said Zed, trying to catch his breath.
“ Well that’s easy enough,” said B. “ We’ll just move the tank into place. No bugger will get past that thing, once it’s in place.”
“ Good thinking,” said Zed. “ Let’s go.”
Aunt B raised the hatch, and was the first down the steps, followed by Zed, then Barry. Penny was told to stay at the top of the steps.
“ No problem,” she said, grabbing a machine gun and releasing the safety catch.
The others made their way along the passages to where the tank was waiting. Zed climbed up first, and helped Aunt B up onto the turret. Barry stayed on the ground and watched for anything unusual. Aunt B opened the hatch on top of the tank and dropped inside.
“ Sorry,” she said, “ didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“ B! Who are you talking to?” asked Zed.
“ Bloody Iraqi,” she said. “ He was asleep in my tank.”
“ Are you ok?” asked Barry.
“ Don’t you worry about me deary. He’s gone back to sleep now, but his head’s now facing the wrong way. Don’t know my own strength sometimes.”
“ Yuk!” said Barry.
“ Why didn’t Justtin pick him up?” Zed asked Barry.
“ I don’t know. See if he’s got anything on him.”
“ Ok,” said Zed, who dropped inside the tank.
“ Hurry up, please,” said Barry.
The T-34 roared into life, and in the confined space, sounded twice as loud as it normally would.
“ Good thing I topped it up last month,” shouted Aunt B above the din.
“ I’ve got get me one of these,” Zed yelled back.
“ I haven’t got any cheese,” shouted B.
“ Yes. Where can I get one?” yelled Zed.
“ I’ll get some later.”
“ Ok. Tell me later,” yelled Zed as he rifled the dead man’s pockets.
“ A-ha,” he said, not that anyone could hear him. He put his head out of the hatch and threw a small black device to Barry, and signalled him to get out of the way. Barry moved back along the tunnel toward the hatch in the barn, and just for a second, thought he saw something move. He edged up the steps, keeping his eyes on the spot where he’d seen the movement. It was probably a rat, he thought, and quickened his pace. He hated rats.
The roar from the tank got louder as it was manoeuvred into place. Soon the engine was turned off, and within minutes, Zed and Aunt B joined Barry and Penny in the barn. Barry put his finger up to his lips and motioned everyone to be quiet. He made them move back from the hole in the ground, and as quietly as he could, said,
“ I saw something move down there.”
He didn’t have to say anything else. Zed picked up a submachine gun, and being the brave little bugger that he is, went straight back down the steps. Barry grabbed a torch, and went after him.
At the bottom of the steps they stopped, and Barry pointed the torch in the direction he’d seen the movement. There was nothing there, but Barry swept his beam of light around the room, and Bingo. A man stood up and started to run at them, waving a huge knife in front of him. The boys both saw him at the same time, but Zed’s reaction was instant. Shoot first, ask questions later, he thought.
The burst of gunfire didn’t last long, but it was enough to cut the man in half.
“ Nice one,” said Barry, just before he threw up on Zed’s foot.
“ I feel better now,” said Zed blowing the smoke from his gun barrel.
“ Did you get one, deary?” asked B, as she joined the boys.
“ Yes B,” said Zed, taking the torch from Barry’s hand, “ but I’ll have a look around, just to make sure.”
“ Ok love,” said B. “ I’ll go and get that cheese.”
Barry threw up again. Not cheese, he thought.
“ What cheese?” asked Penny as she came down the steps to see what was going on.
“ No idea,” said Zed. “ B’s going to get me one of those tanks.”
“ Cool,” said Penny.
They all made their way back up the steps to the barn, where Justtin was waiting for them.
“ Did I miss anything?” the robot asked.
“ Not much,” answered Zed. “ But we have something to our advantage.”
“ What’s that?” asked Justtin.
“ Barry. Where’s that thing I found on that bloke in the tank?”
“ Here you go. Sorry about the mess.”
“ It’ll wipe off. You feeling any better?”
“ Yeah, fine. Just don’t mention food, and I’ll be fine.”
“ I got you the cheese you asked for,” said B.
“ Stand back,” said Barry.
***
Justtin was scanning the small, black contraption that Zed had found.
“ That’s interesting,” he said.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ Well,” said Justtin, “ some of these components are the same as some of the ones that your dad installed in me. See, just there. Bateware, USA. This is some of the most advanced software there is. The company is run by somebody called Gill Bates. I guess you could say that she has cornered the market when it comes to technical software.”
Barry was listening, but as usual, not taking anything in.
“ But what does all this mean?” he asked.
“ Technically, this means that they’re almost advanced as we are.”
“ Almost?” queried Barry.
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ The on/off switch is Victorian, and it doesn’t have a British Standard mark.”
“ But what does it do?” asked Zed.
“ Ah, that’s the easy bit,” said Justtin. “ It gives off a small electric pulse, which is designed to scramble my circuits, making my system think there is nothing wrong.”
“ So what can we do to get round this?” asked Zed.
“ We can set a frequency in Justtin, that will make them believe that they are invisible, but in reality, all we’re doing, is bouncing their signal back to them,” said Barry.
“ Does this mean you’re going to tinker with my insides again?” asked Justtin.
“ Sure does, big fella,” said Barry. “ It will be easy. Just like having a tooth pulled.”
“ I’ve heard about that. It sounds horrible.”
“ Good thing you don’t have teeth then,” said Barry.
“ If I had a foot, I’d kick you.”
“ Don’t be a baby,” said Barry. “ It won’t hurt. Just lay back and think of meccano.”
“ Does he know what he’s doing?” Penny asked Zed.
“ Is the Pope old?” said Zed. “ His old man built Justtin, and Barry was there for most of it. If he can’t do it, then the only other person able to, is his dad.”
“ I’ve got a scanner, and I’m not afraid to use it,” said Justtin.
“ Shut up Jus, and keep still. There, done,” said Barry.
“ Was that it? Wow, er, cool. Didn’t hurt at all,” said Justtin.
“ In that case, you can sit in the dentist’s chair for me next time,” said Barry.
“ I’m not that stupid,” said Justtin.