Youths of today.

Back in the 60's we had the mods and the rockers, and the hippie's. In the 70's we still had hippie's, but then we also had skinheads, suede heads, boot boys, punks and more rockers. In the 80's we had even more rockers, new romantics and ravers. In the 90's we had ravers, even more rockers than before, and chavs. We are now in the 2000's and we have a choice. The chav's or the chav not's.

The pro's and cons of getting a plasma screen TV

The Pro's....Nice big 48" TV....Super flat screen surface....HD ready....Superb quality picture....Amazing sound system....Wall mounted....Overall, the best TV that money can buy.

The cons....I have a demented cat that would rip it to shreds in minutes.

Loopy Stuff.com

Sorry I have so little to offer lately, but I'm holding back on blogs. I'm hoping that all the blogs on here will be transferred to the website, then this will become obsolete. if not, then i have to think again. but i need to run a few idea's past my web builder/designer first. If anyone has idea's that may help, then contact me here, or on twitter/loopystuff.

Justtin

Chapter thirteen
Not the road to Mandalay


The road to Scotland was a long one, and Barry was fidgeting. He was dying for a wee and they’d only been on the road for thirty minutes, which by amazing coincidence, was the exact time distance between them and Aunt B in the tank.
“ We’ve got to stop,” said Fergus, before Barry could even open his mouth.
“ Why?” asked Zed.
“ Coz Nev needs more coffee,” replied Fergus.
“ That’s a good enough excuse,” said Zed.
“ We just need to find somewhere that’s open,” added Fergus, as an after thought.
“ Justtin,” said Barry. “ Can you help?”
“ First left, second right.”
“ How did you do that?” asked Fergus, warming to the metal man.
“ Instinct,” said Justtin.
“ What? You mean you can just tell,” asked Fergus, who was obviously very impressed.
“ No. My sensors picked it up. The Inn stinks.”
They followed Justtin’s metallic nasal sensors, and sure enough, they found a roadside café.
As the van came to a halt, Barry pushed open the back doors and ran as fast as he could toward the café, to find a toilet, but didn’t make it that far. The nearest wall looked inviting, so we’ll leave Barry there.
Fergus and Nev took a leisurely stroll to find enough coffee to fill a thermos, while Zed sat in the van with Justtin.
“ I should be saying I don’t believe it,” said Justtin, “ but the problem is, I do.”
“ What are you talking about?” asked Zed.
“ I’ve picked up Penny’s badge. She’s heading this way, with Aunt B.”
“ Are you sure?” asked Zed.
“ If you keep asking stupid questions like that, I will have to consider calling you Barry.”
Zed felt hurt by that remark. Barry and stupid in the same sentence. And directed at him. It wasn’t nice, but Zed realised he had to get a grip.
“ Sorry, that was a bit stupid,” he said.
Zed thought quickly of a way to phrase his question, without annoying Justtin any further.
“ So, how are they heading this way?”
“ That’s more like it,” said Justtin. “ They’re in the tank and they’re following us.”
“ They’re not going by road, are they?”
“ Correct. They’re not. They’re cutting across the fields, and in the last few minutes, while we’ve been talking, they’ve gained another three miles. At this rate, I calculate that they will be here in fifteen minutes.”
“ Oh shit!” said Zed. “ If they’re mad, they might shoot at us, and that thing is bloody accurate over a couple of miles.”
“ Ah, but we have the upper hand,” said Justtin. “ I can see them, but they can’t see us. If we let them get in front of us, we can watch them.”
“ That makes perfect sense, but Barry’s not going to buy that. He’s in a hurry to get to his dad.”
“ It’s a dilemma, innit,” said Justtin. “ In that case, we have to get away from here as quickly as possible. Then, when we are well in front, we will have to stay well in front. Sooner or later, we are all going to need fuel. Let’s just make sure it’s not at the same place, at the same time.”

***

It was easy to forget that Ray was being towed by the tank, which was why Aunt B had told Penny to cut through the trees and go across the fields. B had forgotten.
Poor Ray on the other hand, knew he was being towed. He could feel every bump. His walkie-talkie was on the floor, and out of reach, which meant that he couldn’t even tell B that he was still behind her.
“ I’m gonna throw up,” he said, and promptly did.
“ Oh great. Now I’ve got to sit in it.”
Totally oblivious, Aunt B guided Penny across field after field, through hedges and bushes, knocking down the occasional small tree, and squashing the occasional rabbit, that sat there thinking to itself, I wonder what that is. But the rabbit thought for too long. Never learn, do they?
Aunt B was enjoying the countryside so much, that she started to sing.
“ The tracks on the tank go round and round, round and round, round and round, the tracks on the tank go round and round, all day long.”
“ She’s totally off her head,” said Bert as he was being thrown from side to side.
“ That’s a bit strong, coming from you,” said Penny.
“ I don’t know what you mean,” said Bert, who was beginning to sober up rather quickly. “ Where are we?”
“ About 30 miles north of the farmhouse,” said Penny. “ Is that a problem?”
“ You mean we’ve got another 500 miles of this,” said Bert. “ I feel sorry for the bloke in the car. He can’t be having much fun.”
Penny slammed on the brakes.
“ What’s going on?” said B.
“ We’ve just dragged Ray through fields and hedges and…”
“ Alright, calm down.” B said. “ Let’s go and see if he’s ok.”
Penny and B jumped down from the tank, and looked at the little invalid car.
“ Oh dear,” said B.
The car was upside down, but Ray was the right way up, and waving his fist at B.
“ We better let him out,” said Penny. As she opened the door, the smell of warm sick hit her.
“ Eeyuk, gross,” she said.
“ It’s alright for you,” said Ray. “ I’m wearing it. Has anyone got a change of clothes?”
Everyone looked at each other.
“ I didn’t think of that,” they all said.
“ Well, I can’t travel in my car anymore. It’s a right off.”
“ And you ain’t getting in my tank, stinking like that,” said B. “ You’ll have to strip down to your underwear until we can find something.”
“ Terrific,” groaned Ray, but knowing he didn’t have a choice, he peeled his clothes off, and climbed aboard the tank.
“ Sit on the outside,” said B. “ It’s a warm day, and there must be somewhere around here, where we can find you some clothes.”
Ray sat uncomfortably on the tank, for two reasons. He was uncomfortable because he was almost naked. In front of a young child, as well. But also, because the tank was bloody uncomfortable to sit on.
Once the car had been untied, and left on it’s roof to rot, the tank and it’s happy ( ish ) crew set off, and bounced across the field toward what looked like a roadside café.

***

With Barry, Nev and Fergus back in the van, they set off toward the motorway that would take them north to Scotland.
Justtin and Zed had decided that it was best if they didn’t tell Barry about the tank. The less he knew, the less he could worry about. Justtin was scanning all the time, and that put Zed’s mind at ease. He was secretly worried that the tank would open fire, and wanted to keep his distance.
Barry was bored and wondered if the radio worked. He asked Fergus to try it for him. Fergus duly obliged, and Radio One filled the van with pop music.
“ This stuff is so boring,” said Zed. “ I wish we had some way of listening to Van Halen.”
“ We do,” said Justtin.
“ Eh? How?” asked Zed, suddenly excited.
“ I recorded it onto my hard drive.”
“ I’m sure you know what you’re talking about, but I don’t,” said Zed. “ Can you explain?”
Justtin opened a small panel on his side and showed Zed a small cable with a jack plug on the end.
“ Dad fitted this ages ago, and to start with I didn’t have a clue what it was for, until recently. When he gave me the newest chip, certain things made more sense. I learnt all about mum, how to use night vision and how to record things. All I did was plug this jack plug into B’s stereo, and away I went.”
“ That’s brilliant,” said Zed, genuinely impressed. “ Can we hear it now.”
“ Just a sec.” And that was all it took. Van Halen filled the van, and the radio was switched off.
“ So, what did you learn about my mum?” asked Barry the robot.
“ That she passed us, about five minutes ago,” said Justtin.
“ Really?” said Barry, a bit surprised. “ Where do you think she’s going?”
“ Probably back to Scotland,” said Justtin. “ There’s nothing to stay down here for. She’ll probably go back and wait for news there.”
“ It makes sense,” said Zed. “ Your dad’s missing, and you’re trying to find him. Why hang around?”
“ She could have stayed with Aunt B and Penny,” said Barry.
Zed looked at Justtin, just to make sure he didn’t give anything away.
“ Maybe she thought of that, and decided to leave anyway,” said Zed.
“ I’m sure we’ll find out when we see her,” said Barry, not noticing anything going on between Zed and the robot.
“ So,” Barry went on, “ what else did you learn about my mum?”
“ She’s got enormous tits,” said Justtin.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ Sorry,” said Justtin, after realising what he’d said. “ That’s probably not what you meant, is it?”
“ What?” said Barry again.
“ We’re having another ‘what’ day, are we?” said Justtin.
“ What?” said Barry without realising.
Zed threw his walking stick at Barry, but missed him.
“ What?” said Barry, looking at the stick.
“ I think the tin man is right,” said Fergus. “ Enormous, they were. Mind you, these rear view mirrors are a bit grubby. I couldn’t see all of them.”
“ What?”
“ Rear view mirrors?” said Justtin. “ I didn’t see those. They might come in handy.”
“ What for,” said Barry, finally snapping out of his trance.
“ For seeing my rear, what else?” said Justtin. This seemed perfectly logical to Justtin. Barry couldn’t see the funny side.
“ What?”
“ This sounds like my kind of conversation,” said Fergus.
“ Justtin?” said Zed, getting bored with that kind of conversation.
“ Yes,” replied the robot.
“ Turn the music up. I can’t hear Eddie’s guitar solo.”
Justtin did as he was asked, and that kind of conversation died.
In one respect, the next part of the journey was a lot quieter.
As far as Zed was concerned, the journey wasn’t loud enough, as Eddie played guitar.

***

“ Have you tried the walkie-talkie?” B asked Penny.
“ Not yet,” said Penny. “ I haven’t had time.”
“ Well, while he’s looking for some clothes to cover that puny body, we can give it a go.”
“ Ok,” said Penny, as she jumped down from the tank and walked toward the same café the boys had been to, only twenty minutes earlier.
“ Zed? Barry? Justtin? Can any of you hear me?”
They all heard the call, but in their infinite wisdom, chose not to answer. They hoped to make Penny and Aunt B believe that they were out of range, and so far it was working.
“ They’re not answering,” said Penny. “ They must be out of range.”
“ Nonsense,” said B. “ That bloody robot can hear you.”
“ How do you know?” asked Penny innocently.
“ Coz he never switches off,” said B taking the walkie-talkie from Penny.
“ Justtin. I know you can hear me,” she said. Justtin and the boys went cold at the sound of Aunt B’s voice. This was easier for Justtin, because metal is cold to start with.
Zed switched his radio set off, and Barry quickly followed suit.
“ You deal with it,” said Barry, passing the responsibility to the robot.
“ I don’t have to,” said Justtin. “ If I don’t answer, she may think I’ve been switched off too.”
“ And don’t pretend you’ve been switched off, coz I know you haven’t,” said B.
Justtin had had enough.
“ How do you know?” he said.
“ Aha! Got you.”
“ Big deal,” said Justtin. “ I’m so scared.”
“ You will be, you giant bucket,” said B. “ When I get hold of you I’m going take a large tin opener…”
“ Get to the point,” said Justtin, cutting B off before she got to the juicy bit.
“ Why was it so important to leave us behind?”
“ Wasn’t my idea,” said the robot. “ You should speak to your nephew.”
“ I don’t want to talk to her,” said Barry.
“ Garry.” Said B. “ Talk to your old Auntie, there’s a good boy.”
Barry switched his walkie-talkie back on.
“ It’s Barry, Auntie,” the boy said.
“ That wasn’t very nice was it,” Aunt B started. “ Did you really think you’d be able to go to Scotland without Penny and I? Especially after what we’ve been through.”
“ We don’t have enough room for everybody,” said Barry. “ I didn’t want to upset anyone, but I just thought it would be easier to do this on my own.”
“ With Zed and the robot, and the two old boys from the pub. That’s hardly on your own, is it?”
“ I suppose not,” said Barry, running out of things to say.
“ Where are you, exactly?” B asked.
“ I dunno,” replied Barry, and that was the truth. He looked to Fergus for a clue, but Fergus just shrugged.
“ I thought you were navigating,” Zed asked.
“ I don’t have a map,” said Fergus, “ but there’s a service station up ahead. I’ll get one there.”
“ Did you hear that?” Barry asked B.
“ Yes,” said B. “ It all sounds very professional.”
“ I’m only doing what I thought was best,” said Barry.
“ Well,” said B, “ we might not be as quick as you, but we are going to Scotland as well. I should imagine Penny will want to have words with Zed. She’s not a happy girl at the moment.”
“ Oh, great,” said Zed. “ So we’re all gonna get an ear bashing.”
“ At least you don’t have to worry about them firing at us now,” said Justtin.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ We knew they were behind us,” said Zed. “ We didn’t want to worry you.”
“ Oh well,” said Barry. “ It nearly worked.”
Zed looked at Barry and couldn’t believe how calm he had taken the news.
“ That was a bit cool for you,” said Zed.
“ I don’t really care about anything else. I just want to find my dad.”
“ And so do we,” said B.
Barry thought for a minute.
“ Are you still there?” B asked.
“ Yes,” said Barry. “ I was just trying to work out how you are getting to Scotland. You’re not using the tank are you?”
“ What else? Ray’s car wouldn’t get us all the way. Not enough electric, or something.”
“ Is Ray with you as well?” Barry asked.
“ And Bert,” said B.
“ Bert?” said Barry. “ What use is he going to be?”
“ He’s quite cute when he’s sober,” said B.
“ Oh well,” said Barry. “ The more the merrier.”
“ Services,” said Fergus.
Barry took a quick look out of the window and saw a signpost.
“ We’re at South Mimms Services on the A1. Is that any help?”
“ Do they do diesel?”
Barry looked out of the window again.
“ Er, yes. I think so,” said Barry.
“ Then that will do nicely,” said Aunt B.
“ We’re not stopping here for long though,” said Barry. “ I want to get to my dad.”
“ Ok,” said B. “ You push on. I’m going to have to refuel soon.”
“ And me,” said Bert.
“ Just stay in touch,” was the last thing they heard Aunt B say, as the battery in Barry’s walkie-talkie died.
“ Phew!” said Zed. “ That was close.”
“ Did you hear all that?” Fergus asked Nev. “ Raymondo is in the tank.”
“ If I remember rightly, he should be in the chair,” said Old Nev. “ It’s his round.”

***

I am not going to bore you with the motorway journey, because we all know what they’re like.
Boring.
Nothing ever happens on motorways.
Except that one occasion, when traffic was held up for almost two whole minutes, due to the ferocious Battle of Rutland, which was officially timed at 4.32 seconds and resulted in a 0-0 draw, and a broken nail.
Not much to write home about, I’m sure you’ll agree. In fact, the area of Rutland is so small, that everybody knew about it, so nobody wrote at all.
“ 2-4-6-8 Motorway” was fading in and out, as the radio reception got worse. The van had crossed the border and was now in Scotland.
“ Are we there yet?” asked Barry for the third time.
“ Not yet,” answered Fergus each time.
“ Are we there yet?” asked Zed for the fourth time.
“ Not yet,” said Fergus getting a little annoyed.
“ Are we there yet?” asked Justtin.
“ Oh, for feck’s sake,” said Fergus, now having enough.
“ It was a serious question,” said Justtin. “ I need to stretch my springs.”
“ If I get hold of your feckin’ springs, I’ll straighten them,” said Fergus.
“ What did I say?” said Justtin.
“ The same as them two,” said Fergus pointing to Zed and Barry one after the other.
“ Are you going to straighten their springs?” Justtin asked.
Fergus chose to ignore him, and wished he could do the same with the boys.
“ Are we there yet?” asked Barry, for more times than Fergus could cope with.
“ Find a pub, now,” he told Justtin.
“ First right, a hundred yards on the right.”
“ Does this Inn stink as well?” asked Fergus who was trying his best not to show his anger.
“ No,” said Justtin. “ It’s closed.”
“ What?” said Fergus, ready to explode.
“ You said find a pub, nothing more, nothing less,” said Justtin.
“ He did say now,” said Barry.
“ And I did as requested,” said Justtin. “ So what’s your problem?”
By this time, Old Nev was losing concentration because of the constant bickering. He found somewhere safe to park, and pulled the van over to the side of the road. Nev got out of the van and beckoned to Fergus to join him, for a little chat.
“ Keep an eye on them Justtin,” said Zed. “ Just in case they decide to make a run for it.”
“ Already am,” said Justtin. “ But they won’t go far.”
“ How can you tell?” asked Zed.
“ I’ve pinched Fergus’ hip flask.”
Nev pulled Fergus to one side and explained to him that it was 4 o’clock in the morning, and although a pub at this time was a good idea, this wasn’t like the pub in their village. They couldn’t just turn up whenever they wanted and help themselves. They had to wait for someone to open the pub first.
“ So let’s knock then,” said Fergus.
“ Again,” said Nev, “ that’s something that wouldn’t go down too well with the landlord. Look, I’ve got some booze stashed in the van. Let’s go and have a drink, and tomorrow we’ll start again. What do you say?”
Fergus was listening intently, but on the mention of booze, he felt his pocket.
“ It’s gone,” he said.
“ What’s gone?” asked Nev.
“ My hip flask. It must have fallen out in the van.”
“ Not a problem,” said Nev. “ I’ve got some. Just take it easy on the kids, after all, we’re doing this for them.”
“ Oh yeah, I forgot,” said Fergus. “ Come on, I’m thirsty.”
The old boys went back to the van to find Justtin wheeling backwards toward them on the road.
“ Weeeee,” went Justtin, as he flashed past. “ This is so much fun. Never had much to do with roads before.”
“ Before what?” asked Fergus.
“ Before he came to life,” said Barry. “ He’s only a couple of months old.”
“ Is that all?” asked Fergus. “ He seems so much older.”
“ He’s a computerised robot,” said Barry. “ My dad has programmed him with all his knowledge and lots of other things. He’s probably more intelligent than all of us put together.”
They all watched Justtin zooming up and down the road, spinning round and round, and performing tricks on his tracks.
“ You reckon,” said Fergus.
“ Mmm, maybe not,” said Barry.

***

As dawn broke, the smell of cooking bacon woke them. In the dark, Nev couldn’t see much, but somehow he’d managed to park the van next to a café, and it was opening time.
Barry went in first to see if the owners would accept gold coins, and returned with good news.
“ For ten gold coins, we can eat all we want,” he said.
“ Well, each coin must be worth at least a pound each,” said Zed, whose estimation was miles from the real value. “ That sounds like a bargain to me.”
“ Gold coins?” said Fergus, scratching his chin. “ What gold coins?”
“ These,” said Barry, showing Fergus a pile of almost 500 shiny gold coins.
Nev was standing next Fergus. If he’d been standing behind him, he would have caught Fergus, as Fergus swooned and fell backwards. He wasn’t out for long, as the smell of bacon got stronger. Sitting up, he looked at Barry, standing in front of him with a fist full of gold.
“ Where the feck did that come from?” asked Fergus, having found himself a new best friend.
“ I’ve got ours,” said Nev.
“ Where?” asked Fergus.
“ I’ve stashed it for a rainy day,” said Nev.
“ I hope it pisses down,” said Fergus. “ But that still don’t explain where it all came from.”
“ Come on,” said Barry. “ I’ll tell you over a cup of tea.”
And Barry did, leaving nothing out. He told the old men about the skeleton of the vicar, and of the T-34 tank, which at this particular moment, was making a mess of Manchester City centre.
“ So, Betty has a room full of gold, does she?” asked Nev.
“ Yes,” said Barry.
“ Is it heavily armed?” asked Fergus.
“ Not right now. No, why?” asked Barry.
“ Oh, nothing,” said Fergus, sipping his third hot cup of tea.
“ Look what I’ve found,” said Justtin, as he approached the table with a wing mirror, that formerly had an attachment to a Ford Capri. “ I thought I’d stick it to my head.”
“ What with?” asked Barry, suddenly forgetting his conversation with Fergus and Nev. He could tell they were up to something, but was far too dense to work out what.
“ Well,” Justtin continued, “ I wondered what this stuff was for. Now I know.”
He opened one of his panels and produced a small piece of what looked like putty.
“ This is called glue-tack. It was invented by dad, and I now know what it’s for.”
Everybody watched the robot, as he tore a small piece off and between his mechanical fingers, he squeezed and rolled the putty until it was almost flat. He then stuck the glue-tack to the base of the mirror, pushing the putty firmly into place. He then raised his arm, and pushed the mirror to the side of his head. And there it stayed.
“ It needs some adjustment, but you get the picture,” said Justtin, pleased with his discovery. “ This opens up a whole new can of worms. I can stick anything to me now.”
“ Like what?” asked Barry, slightly amused at the sight in front of him.
“ Well, steering wheels, head lamps, car aerials, gear sticks.”
Barry stopped him.
“ Hang on,” he said. “ You sound like you’ve stumbled across a wrecked car.”
“ Well I have, in a way,” said Justtin. “ I was talking to one in the car park just now. Without any warning it started up and drove itself straight into the path of a passing truck.”
“ Why? What did you say to it?” asked Barry.
“ Not much,” said Justtin. “ Well, not really. I just asked it if it ever thought of having children.”
“ Oh, brilliant,” said Barry. “ Don’t you know that machines can’t have kids.”
“ No harm in trying, is there?” said Justtin.
“ That’s sick,” said Zed. “ We’re going to have to find him something to occupy his mind. We can’t have cars committing hara-kiri all over the place.”
“ Got any idea’s?” asked Barry.
“ Well, finding your dad for a start,” said Zed. “ If we’re close enough, shouldn’t we be getting a signal?”
“ Well?” said Barry to Justtin, almost like a school-teacher wanting to know
why the homework hasn’t been done.
“ Been trying since we got here, but I ain’t got anything. He can’t be that far away though.”
Barry’s heart sank. So close, yet not close enough. If they didn’t find dad soon, he could die from his injuries, or hunger. Or worse still, dad could die from hanging upside down for too long. But Barry didn’t know about that bit, and he’s got enough to worry about, so I’m not going to tell him.
After a huge breakfast and a welcome break, 10 gold coins changed hands, goodbyes were said, and everyone piled back into the van.
They set off north, knowing that was the direction the Harrier jump jet had taken before it crashed, and Barry watched Justtin for a sign, anything that would tell him where his dad was.
“ I got something,” said Justtin, “ But it’s not dad. It’s the tank, and they’re
only 50 miles behind us.”
“ They must be taking it in turns to drive,” said Fergus. “ I wish I could do that.”
“ Why?” said Barry, “ can’t you drive.”
“ Only certain things. I can drive people mad, if that’s any help.”
“ Would have made more sense to bring Ray, or Bert for that matter,” said Nev.
“ Charming,” said Fergus, “ but I see your point.”
“ Should we stop and let them catch us up?” asked Nev.
Fergus studied his map. “ The roads north of here twist and turn all over the place. The tank would make more sense if you want to go in a straight line.”
Barry looked at Zed, and shrugged his shoulders.
“ Your choice,” said Zed. “ He’s your dad.”
Barry had to decide, and soon. Then Justtin spoke.
“ It’s just a thought,” he said, “ but when the female members of the tank crew get their hands on you two, aren’t you both, like…dead?”
“ Oh crap,” said Zed, remembering what Aunt B had said about Penny.
“ What are we going to do?” he asked Barry.
“ We’re too close to dad, for them to do anything stupid, like kill us. I say we wait, and take whatever comes.”
Nev and Fergus cheered and clapped, but not at the same time, as it would have been irresponsible of Nev to take both his hands off the steering wheel.
Nev pulled the van over to the side of the road and suggested they go back to the café, mainly because of the young filly working behind the counter. The boys agreed and back they went.
While they sat and waited, Justtin contacted B and explained that the rest of the journey would have to be made by tank.
“ Why?” she asked.
“ Ask the boy?” said Justtin passing the buck.
“ Thanks a bunch,” said Barry.
“ No problem,” said Justtin. “ I owed you one.”
“ The road ahead has too many bends,” said Barry into a walkie-talkie. “ The tank will be a lot easier.”
“ What about the tin man? There’s not enough room for him as well,” asked B.
“ I hadn’t thought of that,” said Barry.
“ We’ll be with you in twenty minutes,” said B. “ I’m sure we can come up with something. Over and out.”
Barry stared at the walkie-talkie and wondered why the chat ended so abruptly. He shrugged his shoulders and turned to face the others.
“ What’s the problem lad?” asked Nev.
“ Justtin is too big to go in the tank. That’s why we got the van in the first place. I just don’t know what to do next.”
Barry was sure that Zed would come up with something, but even Zed was looking puzzled.
“ What about that glue-tack stuff?” asked Fergus.
Barry started to laugh as he got an image of Justtin, stuck on the side of the tank, but Justtin didn’t see the funny side.
“ Don’t have enough,” he said, almost too seriously.
“ What about magnets?” asked Fergus.
Justtin started to shake.
“ What’s the matter with him?” asked Nev.
“ You said the ‘m’ word,” said Barry. “ He’s had a bad experience with them.”
“ What, magnets?” said Fergus without making the connection.
Justtin started to shake violently, and Barry was getting worried as he watched a rivet pop out of the side of Justtin’s head.
“ Stop,” yelled Barry. “ We need Justtin right now. Stop saying the ‘m’ word.”
“ What, ma..,” Fergus started, but Nev got a hand over his mouth just in time.
“ Yes, that,” said Nev.
“ Oh!” said Fergus, getting wet as he finally fell in.
Barry was talking quietly to Justtin, trying to reassure him that everything was ok, and that they should be focusing on finding dad, when the sound of a loud engine came from behind them.

Things I said today

I was on my way to the bus stop wearing my 'skin' tone beanie hat, and passed a car with a couple of youths sitting in it. One of them stuck his head out and said " You look like a condom," to which I replied " That's appropriate, coz you look like a c***." Now, I'll leave you to decide whether that ends with a 't' or a 'k'. Either way it works a treat.

The bible. Retold

I had some great idea's about this, based on some of the legendary stories that came from the bible.
There was Moses who was found in the reeds, and not as clever as we all thought, because if he'd made a flute out of the reeds, they would have found him sooner. And his original 25 tablets, that became 10 by the time he'd reached the foot of the mountain. " Thou shall not steal", read one. " Too late for that", read another. And the parting of the waves. On the Red Sea?? Are you sure?? "I'll have what he's having."
There was Noah's ark, and a boat so big he could have two of each animal on board, but no place to shit. And ducks can float, can't they???
And Jesus walked on water, with the help of scuba divers. It was just an expensive trick. He turned water into wine, although the other way round is easier.
The feeding of the 5,000, with 3 fish and 2 loaves of bread. When John his best friend and leader of his followers put an arm around his shoulder and said, " Let's get you home, you're off your face."
And the whole God thing has to take a hit too. What came first, God or fact? Fact says this is the way it's going to be. God has no reply. 500,000 people die in Tsunami in Indonesia. Still no response. Earthquakes kill thousands every year. Nothing. What does that tell, even the most stupid person out there??? God invented fact? Likely story.
The bible, simply means the book. Fact...look it up. It's a guide. When I was a roadie back in the 80's, we also lived by a bible. It told us where the nearest pub was to a motorway exit. And we lived by it, so I can see the connection, faintly.
And the damning thing about the bible, or should I say, one of the damning things about the bible, is that in it's current form, is less than two thousand years old. Not trying to be funny here, but if this book had been written in biblical times, even from the information they had been given from the son of God, by God himself/herself/itself, there would have been some mention of the dinosaurs. Or how the Planet was bombarded by meteors for hundreds of thousands of years, which ultimately led to life on earth. Where was God?? Still inventing fact?? Or trying to find a publisher?
There is so much wrong with the whole God thing. I'm not having a go at people about their belief's, because we all believe in something. I believe West Ham will stay up this season. There you go. But belief should be in something that is real, something that exists. Something that is fact.
The fact here is that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old. The bible is a book. And if I keep wittering on, this will become a book too.
The main point is, going back to the beginning of this blog, I wanted to write my own version of the stories of the bible, but have decided there's no real point. Not because of conflict or ridicule, but mainly because Eddie Izzard has beaten me to it....the bastard.

Magazine Title of the Month

Pole Fishing....
Now I've heard of fly fishing, and I've heard of pole dancing, but Pole Fishing? If you think about it too much, it proves our imagination's are way over active.

Things somebody else said

What's the French for serviette???

Courtesy of John Marter(Alaska)Paris,1985

Justtin

Chapter twelve
When Harry met Barry

It wasn’t what Barry wanted to hear, but he heard it anyway. The plane had crashed after hitting power cables, just north of the Scottish border.
There was some good news. There was no sign of the pilot, if you can call that good news.
The Ministry could only assume that dad had ejected, and probably just in the nick of time. Well, it wouldn’t be very exciting if things like that didn’t happen.
The kids had only just finished listening to the Van Halen record, when Aunt B came into the room to break the news.
The Ministry had been on the blower, (her words) and told her what they knew.
They even told her something they didn’t know, like dad’s whereabouts. He’d disappeared, and as hard as the Ministry had tried, they didn’t know where he was.
He didn’t know where he was either, but then, if you’re hanging upside down in a tree, you do get a bit disorientated. He was still clutching the flight instructions, and they were still upside down.
“ Now there’s a thing,” said dad, “ and no mistake.”
The Ministry machine was working. They knew that even if dad was alive, they could use this incident to they’re advantage, as long as dad stayed missing. The wheels were already in motion, and a fake funeral was being arranged.
Barry had been kept informed of all the latest developments, and took a keen interest, because in his heart, he knew that his dad was ok. He’d been told all about the idea of the fake funeral, and although he didn’t like it, he understood why it had to be done. It would, at last, give them all some breathing space.
He wondered if his dad had crashed the plane on purpose. Maybe that was why he had insisted on using the Harrier instead of the balloon. But when Barry questioned Jacobs about the idea, he was told that the Ministry knew nothing of dad’s plan. Barry was convinced that Jacobs was lying, but then that’s what these agent’s do best, thought Barry, and decided not to pursue the matter.
Barry had told the others about his idea, and they all agreed that it was possible because of the motives.
“ He never mentioned anything to me,” said Justtin, “ but I can understand his reason for doing it. If he did, that is.”
“ We’ll have to go and find him,” said Barry.
“ What?” said Zed. “ How?”
“ We can use Justtin,” said Barry.
“ Charming,” said Justtin.
“ No, really,” said Barry. “ If dad has his badge with him, Justtin can pick him up.”
“ How the hell are we going to get a seven-foot robot up to Scotland?” asked Zed.
“ I don’t know,” said Barry. “ You’re the one with all the plans.”
“ We can use the tank,” said Aunt B, who was wearing a black trouser suit, for those who were wondering.
“ Does my bum look big in this?” she asked.
“ Your bum looks big in everything,” said Justtin.
“ You are the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen,” said Aunt B.
“ Really,” said Justtin, waiting for the punchline.
“ Yes,” said B. “ You’re full of crap.”
“ Ta-da,” said Justtin.
“ This isn’t helping,” said Barry.
“ So why don’t we use the tank?” asked B.
“ Not fast enough,” said Zed. “ Plus, how would we get the robot on it?”
“ With a big magnet,” said B.
“ Don’t even go there,” said Justtin.
“ Why not?” asked B.
“ Me and magnet’s don’t get on,” was Justtin’s reply, as he thought back to those early days, when five of his predecessors ended up on a scrap heap.
“ Oh dear,” said B. “ What a shame.”
“ We need a van,” said Barry. “ Is there anyone in the village that could help?”
“ I’ll make some calls,” said Zed. “ Leave it to me.”
“ I always knew I could,” said Barry.
“ What about the funeral?” asked Penny. “ The arrangements have been made for tomorrow.”
“ We’ll have to go when it’s finished,” said Barry. “ I can’t not go. It wouldn’t look right, if it was being watched by you-know-who.”
“ We’ll need a driver as well,” said Zed.
“ Better get you the phone then,” said Barry, and he did just that.
While Zed made himself busy on the phone, Barry went outside to talk to Justtin.
“ Are you sure you can do this?” Barry asked.
“ Are you doubting my ability?” said Justtin.
“ Are you answering me with another question?”
“ What do you think?”
“ Does it matter what I think?”
“ Sorry,” said Justtin losing the thread. “ What was the question?”
“ Are you sure we can locate dad,” asked Barry.
“ If we get close enough, yes. I must be within 120 miles, and as long as your dad has his badge, it shouldn’t be a problem.”
“ Yeah, but what if he doesn’t?” asked Barry.
“ Mmm! Good point,” said Justtin. “ I suppose he’ll be lost, then.”
“ Don’t say that,” Barry said, feeling upset. “ We will find him. Even if it takes me the rest of my life.”
“ Let’s just hope it’s a long one then,” said Justtin.

***
The morning of the funeral crept up on Barry, a lot quicker than he wanted. He’d spent the night tossing and turning, as thoughts went through his head.
He thought about his dad. He’d been missing for ages and he hadn’t contacted anyone, but Barry was adamant that his dad was ok. He also thought about what to expect at the funeral. He wondered who would be there. Would it be a quiet affair, or was it going to be full of pomp and circumstance? Where was it going to be held, and was it going to cause him a problem in respect of going to Scotland. Was the van sorted out? Who was going to drive? What was he going to find when he got to his dad? Now you can understand why he tossed and turned all night.
He should have trusted Zed a bit more, as all the necessary arrangements had been made.
The van had been borrowed from Mr. Fishmonger, and Old Nev was going to do the driving with Fergus giving directions. This seemed like a good idea to Zed at the time, as Fergus had, apparently, travelled all over Britain and, apparently, knew his way around. Zed had no idea what Nev and Fergus were like when they got together. He was due to find out soon.
The van had been parked outside the house and stocked with enough food and drink to last them a few days, and a short ramp had been fitted to the rear to help Justtin get in and out.
Barry had toyed with the idea of just him and Justtin going to Scotland, but Zed wouldn’t have any of it. His leg may have been on the mend, and he might still be bed ridden, but he convinced Barry that he wasn’t totally useless.
“ Besides,” Zed was saying, “ You’re my best friend, and we’re in this together.”
“ Ok,” said Barry, “ but that’s it. There’s not enough room for everybody.”
“ Are you going to tell the girls, or am I,” asked Zed.
“ We could always call them from a phone box,” said Barry.
“ What, you mean, sneak off?”
“ Any other ideas?” said Barry.
“ They’ll go mad,” said Zed. “ Let’s do it.”
“ Ok, but when?”
“ Find out what’s going on and leave the rest to me,” said Zed.
So Barry did.
During his chat with Zed, he’d heard some noise coming from the kitchen, and went off to find out what all the commotion was.
“ Hello love.”
Barry looked in astonishment, as his mum stood there with her arms outstretched toward him.
He ran straight to her and jumped into her arms with tears of happiness, streaming down his face.
B smiled. “ I’ll put the kettle on,” she said.
“ Not on my account,” said a wise mum.
“ When did you get here?” asked Barry.
“ Just now,” said mum. “ I stuck my head round the door, but you were deep in conversation with Zed. So I left you to it. How’s his leg?”
“ You can ask me yourself,” said Zed as he limped into the kitchen with aid of a crude walking stick, that Justtin had fashioned out of a branch that he’d found in the garden.
“ Hello Zed,” said mum. “ How are you feeling?”
“ Much better, thanks,” said Zed. “ I’ll be back in a minute. Just got to make a phone call.” He winked at Barry, and straight away, Barry knew that Zed was just about to put his new plan into action.
“ What’s he up to?” asked B.
“ What time is the funeral?” Barry changed the subject.
“ Midday, darling,” said mum. “ Why, is there a rush?”
“ No,” said Barry. “ Just don’t know what’s going on.”
Barry thought that whatever information he could get out of his mum, would be of some help to Zed.
“ We’re being picked up from here shortly, and being taken back to Romford. The funeral is being held at that big cemetery in Crow Lane, then we’ll come back here. We should be back here by three o’clock. Is that enough?”
“ Sure,” said Barry, shrugging his shoulders. He didn’t see the point, because he was still certain that his dad was all right.
“ Do we have to go?” said Barry.
“ We all know why we’re here, Barry,” said mum. “ The Ministry think, that going through with this, will throw the Arabs off our scent. We need them to think that they have nothing left to hunt. Then perhaps we can get on with our lives. So, in answer to your question, yes we have to go. Anything unusual, and it would appear suspicious. The children all have to attend, and Aunt Betty.”
“ What about Justtin?” Barry asked.
“ He can stay here and look after this place. I’m Sure Aunt B wouldn’t mind.”
“ He told me I have a fat arse,” said B, still smarting from his remark.
“ I’m sure you gave as good as you got,” said mum.
“ Told him he was full of crap,” said B, all proud. “ Where is the tin man, anyway?”
“ Don’t know. I’ll go and find out,” said Barry, who saw this as an excuse to tell Zed what was going on.
Barry went outside and made his way round the side of the house to the living room, where he found Zed sitting on his bed.
“ We’re leaving here soon,” said Barry through the window, “ and should be back by three. I’m just off to see Justtin. What shall I tell him?”
“ To be in the van when we get back,” said Zed. “ I’m taking a walkie-talkie to stay in touch with him. We’re going to need some cash as well.”
“ Why?” asked Barry.
“ Nev and Fergus didn’t come cheap.”
“ I’ll get some gold from the barn. Aunt B won’t miss it.”
“ Good thinking,” said Zed. “ I better get ready. See you in a minute.”
Barry went to the barn, because he knew that Justtin would be there.
“ Hello Jus. What ya doing?”
“ Listening to repeat of that radio show.”
“ I thought that was only on, on Sundays?” said Barry.
“ Your dad built in a programme that allows me to record things and play them back at my leisure.”
“ Cool,” said Barry. “ Can you record anything?”
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ Why?”
“ They have live bands playing on Radio 1 every Saturday evening. I just thought we could listen to them whenever we wanted.”
“ I only have limited space, but hey, we can give it go.”
“ Brilliant,” said Barry. “ Anyway, I’ve got to go to my dad’s funeral and I won’t be back till 3pm. Zed says can you be in the back of the van, for when we get back?”
“ I suppose so, but why?”
“ Coz we’re leaving without the girls.”
“ That’s good enough for me. I’ll be there.”
Barry went down the steps into the underground cavern and made his way to the room where he remembered the gold to be. He stuffed his pockets with as much as he could carry, having no idea of the value, and made his way back up the stairs. He stopped briefly in the barn and gave some of the gold to Justtin.
“ Keep this somewhere safe,” he told the robot and left to join the others in the house. Barry stopped outside the living room window and gave Zed some coins to carry.
“ It’s too heavy,” Barry told Zed. “ My trousers keep falling down.”
“ We’ll leave it here,” said Zed. “ We’ll get changed when we get back. I’ll get Justtin to put it all in the van.”
“ Ok,” said Barry. “ Are you ready, coz we’ve got to go?”
“ See you in the kitchen in two minutes,” said Zed as he straightened his tie and hobbled over to the wardrobe and got his jacket.

***

The journey to Romford was uneventful and if you know Romford, life is uneventful when you get there.
The convoy of three large black funeral cars made its way straight to the cemetery, and once the cars had stopped, Barry noticed that everywhere he looked, there were men in dark suits, wearing dark glasses, and some of them were talking to their sleeves.
The children got out of the car and stood at the side of the road, waiting for Barry’s mum and Aunt B. Soon they were all standing together, and waiting for instruction. Jacob’s told them they were just waiting for the coffin and then they could get the funeral under way.
Looking around, Barry spotted somebody he didn’t know, but this man looked vaguely familiar.
“ Who’s that, mum?”
“ That’s an old friend of your father’s. Bert Hunter. I didn’t expect him to be here.”
Bert was waving a drunken hand.
She acknowledged his wave and turned her attention back to the children.
“ Bloody piss head,” said mum under her breath.
Let me explain.
There is only one pub in the Romford area, The Golden Lamb. Also known as the Golden Handshake, or The Shakes for short, because it was always frequented by the old and retired. Hence the name.
The Shakes was a huge pub close to Romford’s market, and on market days it would open at 6am, to please the market traders, postmen and the local alcoholics. It was well known for being able to get a full English breakfast with your pint.
One of Romford’s most famous sons was Bert Hunter.
Bert used to be a T.V. psychiatrist. He claimed it was his dream job.
He was also a former pop star, and chat show host. He also claimed to be a comedian, but the opposite was closer.
Then the booze became his best friend, and it was downward spiral from then on.
The Shakes became Bert’s second home, his first being the sofa in his living room.
Every given opportunity would find Bert in the Shakes, chatting to anyone that would listen to him through his drunken slur. He had a great rapport with the other locals.
“ Too much to drink please barman,” was his usual opening line.
“ Oh shit! Here he comes again,” and “ Piss off,” were the usual replies.
Bert was a happy drunk, and insisted, adamantly, that he was not an alcoholic. But as most people know, and especially those in America, denial is the fifty-first state.
At this particular moment, Bert was still drunk from the night before, as he was on many occasions. Anybody looking at him could tell by the stupid grin on his face.
“ Just ignore him,” mum was saying, “ and perhaps he’ll go away.”
“ I remember him,” said Aunt B. “ He made an appearance at the pub in the village. He was supposed to be funny. The tin man is funnier than him.”
Barry thought about Justtin, and wondered what he was doing. He pulled Zed to one side, which wasn’t easy for Zed, who’d almost lost his balance, but just managed to steady himself with his stick.
“ Watch it,” said Zed.
“ Sorry,” said Barry. “ Wasn’t thinking. Have you contacted Justtin yet?”
“ No. Why?”
“ Just wondered what he was up to, that’s all.”
“ Is it important?” Zed asked.
“ Not really,” said Barry.
“ I’ll wait until the ceremony starts. I’ll find an excuse to go somewhere, then call him.”
Barry liked the way Zed could plan ahead with ease.
“ Ok,” he said.
And they didn’t have to wait long, as the hearse carrying the coffin came into view. Even though Barry knew the box was empty, he still got very upset, and buried his face in his mother’s side. Aunt B stood on his other side and patted his head, a bit harder than he liked.
Penny and Zed stood next to each other with their heads bowed, as the coffin was taken out of the back of the hearse and positioned over the deep hole in the ground. The local vicar took up his position and started to make his speech to the congregation.
“ Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today…”
This was all too much for Barry as he started to wail. With all eyes on Barry’s authentic display, nobody noticed Zed slip quietly away, not even Penny.
Far too easy, thought Zed as he moved away from the small gathering and using his walkie-talkie, he contacted Justtin.
“ Hello Justtin. Can you hear me?”
“ Loud and clear. How’s it going?”
“ The ceremony has just started. Barry is putting on a fine display. Enough to get me away without being noticed anyway. Is everything ready for our return?”
“ Yes. The two old gentlemen are here, although they look like they’re drunk.”
“ Oh, great. Give them plenty of coffee. We need them sober by three o’clock. Can you put all the gold in the van? There’s some under my bed. Get Nev to find it and tell him it’s his payment. I’ve got to go. Someone’s coming.”
“ Ok. See you later,” said Justtin.
Zed returned to the congregation to hear the vicar finish his speech.
“ …As we commit dad to the ground. The Father, the spirit and the Holy Ghost. Amen.”
They all watched the coffin being lowered into the grave, and the one thing Zed noticed more than anything else was the silence. Mum thanked the vicar and shook his hand, then it was Barry’s turn to shake the vicar’s hand, followed by Aunt B, Penny then Zed.
Bert was standing at the side of the grave, swaying from side to side with a hip flask in his hand.
Barry was watching him while they waited for the cars to pick them up and take them back to the farmhouse. As the car arrived, someone dressed in black got out of the car and held the door open for Barry, Zed and mum. Barry took his seat and looked to where Bert was standing, but he’d gone.
Barry knew that he’d been crying and maybe he still had some tears in his eyes. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. Bert still wasn’t there, but two men were making their way to dad’s grave.
As Barry watched, the two men reached into the grave, and helped Bert to his feet.
Covered in dirt, Bert thanked the men who had helped him out of the grave, and Barry watched him being lead to one of the cars. It didn’t occur to the boy that Bert was going back to the farmhouse with them, so he forgot about him.
The big black cars made their way out of the cemetery and slowly crept through the streets of Romford, toward the Eastern Avenue. Then they turned north on the A12, and headed back to Aunt B’s country retreat.

***
The last car had left the grounds and everybody had congregated in the kitchen. Aunt B had her home made tea and raisin wine doing the rounds. Most people took one sip and that was enough. Bert was on his third bottle.
“ Shmashing,” he was saying.
“ How did you get here?” asked mum.
“ I dunno,” said Bert. “ Shomeone pushed me in the car, and here I am. Thish ish nishe,” he said holding up his glass for more.
Zed and Barry saw this as the opportunity they needed. They went and got changed and Zed spoke to Justtin by walkie-talkie. Everyone was in the van as arranged. Nev was sober enough to drive.
“ This van stinks,” Fergus was saying.
“ It will do,” said Old Nev. “ It’s them fish. Shouldn’t we throw them out?”
“ Good idea,” said Fergus, who opened his window and threw out two pieces of blown up fish from last week’s attack.
Incredibly, nobody in the kitchen saw this happen.
“ We’re coming out,” said Zed. “ Start her up and open the back door.”
“ Ok,” said Justtin. “ We are ready.”
The robot then spoke to the engine, which suddenly sparked into life.
The two boys crept as quietly as they could, through the small crowd in the kitchen, and out into the garden, straight into mum.
“ And where do you think you’re going?” she asked.
Zed kept going, while Barry talked to his mum.
“ We’re going to Scotland, mum. We’re going to find dad.”
“ How do you expect to find him if the Ministry can’t?” she asked.
“ We have Justtin. If dad has his badge on, Justtin will find him. We have the advantage that the Ministry don’t.”
“ What about Aunt Betty and Penny. You can’t just leave them here.”
“ There’s not enough room in the van. I didn’t want Zed to come, but he insisted. We will find him. And once we do, we’ll bring him home.”
Zed was in the van and beckoning Barry to hurry up.
“ I’ve got to go. Just don’t tell the other’s, please.”
“ I won’t. Just take care. I know Justtin will look after you.”
Mum kissed Barry on the forehead and watched him get into the van, and thirty seconds later was waving to him as the van disappeared through the gate.
“ Where they off to?” asked Penny as she joined mum in the garden.
“ Scotland. Oh bugger. I wasn’t supposed to say that,” said mum.
“ What?” said Penny. “ They’ve gone without us.”
“ Yes, sorry,” said mum. “ Apparently there wasn’t enough room for all of you. It’s probably for the best. They have Justtin with them, and if anyone can find dad, Justtin can.”
Penny was angry, but she didn’t know what to do. She told Aunt B.
“ What are we going to do?” Penny asked her.
Aunt B scratched her head.
“ Get me a walkie-talkie,” she said.
“ Where is it?”
“ In there.”
Penny went to the fridge and got her the radio set.
“ Hello Ray. Are you there? Over,” said B.
“ Yes,” said Ray. “ Who’s that?”
“ It’s B at the farmhouse. I need your help.”
“ Like what?” Ray asked.
“ Those little buggers have taken off without me and Penny. Do you have any transport?”
“ Where have they gone, coz if it’s local I’ve got my little Thundersley Invacar. It’s fully charged.”
“ What’s one of them?” B asked.
“ You know. That little light blue invalid car that I have.”
“ How far will it get us?”
“ About ten miles until it’s needs recharging.”
“ That’s no good,” said B. “ We’ve got to go to Scotland.”
“ Scotland?” said Ray not believing what he was hearing. “ Why Scotland?”
“ Barry’s gone looking for his dad. Nev and Fergus are with them.”
“ The crafty bastards. I wondered where they had got to. It looks like I can’t help you, but let me know if you come up with anything.”
“ Will do. Over and out.”
Penny was sitting in the barn crying. She couldn’t believe that Zed had gone and left her behind. She was thinking about the times that they had shared, when she looked at the open hatch door, and it hit her. She got up and made her way toward the house, only to be met by B coming in the opposite direction, with the same idea.
The tank.
It was so obvious.*
The T-34 was fully fuelled and ready to go. Aunt B and Penny made their way down the steps and went straight to the tank. One by one they climbed aboard and Aunt B dropped inside. The tank fired up straight away and moved along the tunnel and out into the sunlight.
As Aunt B steered the tank toward the village, Penny spotted the man from the funeral, staggering about, outside the pub.
“ Stop the tank,” she said.
Aunt B stopped as requested and Penny jumped down to talk to Bert.
“ How did you get here?” Penny asked.
“ I have know idea. Thash a lovely car. Ish it new?”
“ No, it’s an old Russian tank. We’re going to Scotland,” said Penny.
“ Can I come,” said Bert.
“ It’s a bit cramped, but I don’t see why not,” said Penny.
“ What about me?” said Ray as he came out of the pub.
“ It’s getting tight already,” said Penny.
“ That’s ok,” said Ray. “ You can tow me. The cars round here,” he said pointing to the back of the pub.
Penny climbed onto the tank and spoke to B, and shortly the tank was being reversed into the car park. The Thundersley was hooked up to the rear of the tank with Ray sitting inside, and after waiting for Bert to come out of the pub’s toilet, they also hit the road to Scotland, leaving mum on her own at the farmhouse.
“ Should have brought that cardigan that I was knitting,” she said. “ Barry will like it when it’s finished. Oh well, there’s no point sitting here.”
She jumped into her car, and drove back to Scotland, with an empty car.

* Even I saw that coming...well I would, wouldn't I.

Things somebody else said

" What's another word for thesaurus?"


Courtesy of Nick Barrett, Artichoke Importer and specialist Greek goat wrestler.

Things I said today

My wife asked me how my back was feeling. " It's OK if I stand up, and it's OK if I sit down. But my job requires me to do a lot of both, so it hurts if I have to keep getting up and down all the time."
" Well that doesn't make sense," she said. " What about if you're laying down?"
" It's the same as standing," I replied. " Only horizontally."

Weather.... or not

It's been snowing all over the place. Not my fault. I ordered drizzle. And when i ask for rain, the Sun shines. There seems to be a communication breakdown between me and the Gods, and I'm not happy. The Gods are laughing at me, they think it's funny. Big red bus can't climb the hill, Gods laugh. I can't get to work, God's laugh. When i finally get to work, soaking wet and freezing cold, the God's still laugh. I change my religion to Rah, The Sun God....Who's laughing now????

Loopy Stuff.com

Sorry about the lack of content lately, but as some of you know, I'm busy trying to get my website sorted out. For those of you who didn't know, try and keep up. I've just spent 2 and a half hours sifting through 2 years worth of old photo's and have another 5 years to get through, so patience is required. It won't be long until the website goes live, but there's still lot's to do. Did I say Jan? That was supposed to be Jun... hahaha!!!Typing errors!!! Don't you just hate them.

Things I said today

I didn't get my nap on Sunday, and mentioned it to my Missus. " You look tired," she said. " Yep," I replied, " I'm nappered."

Justtin

Chapter eleven
Time to go

It was several days later, and after clearing up a lot of the mess and gathering what they could salvage from the bedroom, they moved the bedding into the living room at the back of the house.
Zed spent most of his time in bed, resting his leg. He’d been told about the direct hit on the room, and that his Van Halen album was safe. Dad also told him that a new hamper had been delivered, and that the Ministry was very proud of what the children had done.
Aunt B was telling Zed a story, to cheer him up while he lay in bed. He knew she was a raving lunatic, but in the circumstances, he could do with a bloody good laugh, mostly because the painkillers didn’t seem to be doing very much.
“ During the Second World War,” she started, “ my cousin Fred was captured by the Germans, in France, and sent to a prisoner of war camp. Nasty places they were, but if you kept out of trouble, they fed you. After six months Fred became ill, and the camp doctor was called in to see him. The doctor diagnosed gangrene in his left leg and told Fred that the best thing to do, would be amputation.”
Zed looked alarmed. I don’t have gangrene do I, he thought to himself. But before he could ask, Aunt B continued.
“ Fred agreed, but asked to see the camp Kommandant. The Kommandant went to see Fred, and Fred told him that if his leg were to be removed, he would like it flown back to England, so that it could have a decent burial. The Kommandant agreed, so the leg was removed and flown to England.
A month later, the doctor was called again, and Fred was told that he had the same problem with his left arm. Fred asked the Kommandant to fly the arm home, the Kommandant agreed, and home went the arm.
Another month went by, and poor old Fred was told that his right leg had to go. Fred asked the Kommandant if he could send the limb back to Blighty. First the Kommandant agreed, and turned to take his leave. But he stopped and said “ No.”
“ No?” said Fred. “ But why?”
“ Because I’ve tumbled you, you bastard,” said the Kommandant. “ You’re escaping bit by bit.”
Barry, Penny and a very relieved Zed laughed and laughed. Justtin had been listening through the window and even he made an attempt to laugh.
“ Her, her,” he went, sounding like a donkey coughing up a fur ball. That made he kids even worse.
But dad wasn’t laughing.
“ What’s up with you, grumpy?” asked Aunt B.
“ Your cousin Fred was my dad,” said dad, “ and I hadn’t heard that story.”
“ Oh yeah. Forgot about that,” said B. “ Oh well, better luck next time.”
“ Her, her,” said Justtin again.
When the laughter finally stopped, Zed had a question.
“ What happened about the submarine?”
Dad went quiet.
“ I have some bad news for Penny, I’m afraid,” he said.
“ What do you mean?” asked Penny.
“ When I spoke to the Ministry, they told me that your Uncle got killed in the attack on the sub. I’m sorry, but I didn’t know how to tell you.”
Everybody went quiet as they watched tears appear in Penny’s eyes.
“ Uncle Jim, dead?” she said. “ I don’t believe it.”
Nobody knew what to say. Well, you never do in these situations, do you?
Dad gave it a go though.
“ If there’s anything, that any of us can do, you only have to ask.”
Penny was crying in disbelief, and the one thing that irritated dad more than anything else, was listening to a crying child. Especially when they were somebody else’s. He thought for a moment. He needed an excuse for it to stop, or at least go away. Aha, he thought.
“ Why don’t you go and spend some time with your folks, Penny,” said dad.
“ I’m sure they need you, just a much as you need them right now.”
Penny fell for it. She gave them all a hug, and through her tears, she said her goodbyes, and left. Thank God that’s over, thought dad.
“ That was days ago,” said Barry. “ Why did it take so long to tell her?”
“ There’s never a right time,” said dad, feeling extremely pleased with his work.
“ I was wondering how to approach the situation,” dad continued. “ When Zed asked about the sub, it just seemed right.”
“ Do we know what actually happened?” asked Zed.
“ Details are a bit sketchy,” said dad, “ but it involves an industrial vacuum cleaner, a ping pong ball and a packet of cocktail sticks. I couldn’t say too much in front of Penny, could I? Anyway, there is an upside to all this. Her other uncle, James, has been given the job, only he will be known as 007, because his credentials are not as good.”
“ James Bond 007,” said Zed. “ I suppose it has a ring to it.”
“ I don’t suppose I’ll get my jump jet now,” said B.
“ That’s the last of our worries,” said Barry. “ So where’s the sub now?”
“ They blew it up,” said dad. “ It’s sitting at the bottom of the sea at the moment. They’ll probably bring it back up soon and take it to Portsmouth.”
“ So what happens now?” asked Barry.
“ Well, the Arab world has issued a Finwah on me,” said dad. “ So I’ll probably have to go back into hiding for a while. Until the air clears a bit, anyway.”
“ What’s a Finwah?” asked Barry.
“ It’s the same as a Fatwah, it just doesn’t carry as much weight.”
“ Ok,” said Barry. “ So what’s a Fatwah then?”
“ It’s their word for putting a price on someone’s head,” said dad, “ and sometimes you have to take them seriously.”
“ What? In this book?” said B.
“ What else is going to happen?”
“ I’ve got to go back to Scotland,” said dad.
“ When?” asked Barry.
“ Very soon,” said dad. “ Now that this little episode is over, I don’t expect them to try anything for a while. And I’m sure your mum is getting worried.”
“ Yeah, you’re probably right,” said Barry. “ I just don’t want you to go.”
“ Don’t worry. We’ll be back together shortly. I promise,” said dad.
“ Yeah, right,” said Justtin, through the window.
“ What’s your problem?” said dad.
“ Nothing,” said Justtin. “ Can’t wait. Honest. Would be nice to meet the old girl, I’m sure.”
“ Please don’t call my mum old,” said Barry. “ You’ve not met her, so it’s a bit unfair.”
“ Yes, please shut up,” said dad. “ Who asked you to butt in, anyway?”
“ Kiss my tinny arse,” said Justtin.
“ What’s the matter with you, Jus?” asked Barry.
“ You’re going to leave me aren’t you?” Justtin asked dad.
Dad wasn’t expecting this.
Justtin had become so close to Barry, he treated him like a brother, and had decided to take on that roll.
“ I have to leave all of you,” said dad, a bit confused.
“ But we’ve only just met,” said Justtin, “ and now you want to leave me.”
“ I understand what you’re trying to say,” said dad who clearly didn’t, “ but I will be back. I made that promise to Barry, and I don’t break my promises easily.”
“ Grow up Justtin,” said Barry. “ You’re acting like a kid.”
“ Well, you do as well,” said the tin man.
“ That’s because I am one,” said Barry.
“ That’s a lousy excuse,” said Justtin.
“ Get over it,” said Barry.
“ Whatever,” said Justtin, picking up one of Barry’s characteristics.

***

Incredibly, all through the mortar attack, the balloon remained intact.
Of course, it had been hit, but the shells had bounced off and fallen harmlessly into the river. The fish didn’t like it much, but who cares.
The man from the local chip shop did. He’d been down to the river and collected as much dead fish as he could find. It saved him a fortune in travelling backwards and forwards to the fish market and also meant that he could spend time at home, watching his wife.
He’d heard the rumours, but never actually saw anything to be suspicious about. According to local gossip, she was having an affair with Old Nev, but Nev knew nothing about it. She did his laundry once a week, and that’s as close as he got.
And that’s how the rumour got started.
Mrs. Fishmonger had been seen hanging out Old Nev’s underwear. The local busybody had put two and two together, and came up with a lot more than four. They were a clever bunch of people, those villagers, just not when it came to maths.
“ How many pints have I had?” asked Fergus.
“ Fuck knows,” said Nev.
That proves my point.

***

Back to the balloon.
It was still there, fully inflated, and ready to take Barry’s dad back to Scotland.
“ Is that thing safe?” asked Barry.
“ Well, it got me here, didn’t it,” said dad.
“ True,” said Barry. “ It just doesn’t look like it will make the journey back. How far is it, anyway?”
“ About 500 miles,” answered dad.
“ How long will that take?” asked Barry.
“ It depends on the wind speed,” said dad.
“ And direction,” added Justtin. “ If the winds blowing in the wrong direction, you could be blown towards your enemy, instead of away from them.”
“ Is that true dad?” asked Barry.
Dad wished that Justtin had kept his metal gob shut.
“ Yes, its possible,” said dad, “ but highly unlikely. I just have to head north and hope that the wind will get me there quickly.”
“ So, it’s all guess work, then?” said Barry, whose frowning made him look a lot older than his ten years.
“ Er, yes, pretty much,” said dad. “ But, as I said just now, it got me here.”
“ But you’re an inventor,” said Barry. “ Can’t you fit an engine to it or something?”
“ What? In a couple of hours?” said dad. “ I have to go soon. I won’t have time.”
“ I didn’t realise that you were going today,” said Barry.
“ Oh shit!” said Justtin with an air of excitement.
“ The last time you said that, we got attacked by mortars,” said dad. “ What is it this time?”
“ Look up there,” said Justtin. “ It’s beautiful man.”
Barry and his dad looked out across the trees, to see a speck getting bigger, as a Harrier jump jet got closer and closer.
“ Oooh!” said Justtin. “ The deluxe two seater.”
On hearing the screech of the engines, Aunt B came to join them.
“ What’s that?” she asked.
“ That, B, is your jump jet, I believe,” said dad.
“ With a bow,” said Justtin.
“ What?” said dad.
“ It has a large bow tied to it,” said Justtin.
“ Ooh really,” said B. “ What colour?”
“ Does it matter?” asked Barry.
“ It does to me,” said B. “ I asked for pink.”
“ And pink it is,” said Justtin as the aircraft got closer.
“ Oh goody,” said B. “ I’ll go and put on something that matches.”
It was now blatantly obvious that the Harrier was going to land in the grounds of the farmhouse, and as Justtin had said, there was a huge pink bow tied around its middle. The aircraft landed with all the noise that came with it. Justtin went to the barn and returned with a stepladder and propped it next to the cockpit and as the engines died, the pilot got out of the fighter plane, descended the steps and handed dad a note.
Dad looked at the note. It came from the Ministry.
Dear dad, we couldn’t have the Military supply you with something that we couldn’t supply ourselves, so please accept this as a small token of our esteem. Well done to all on a fantastic job. With compliments…The Ministry. P.S. Please return the bow. We have to use it again. Cost cutting etc. etc.
“ Blimey,” said dad. “ They really don’t like each other.”
“ Is that a problem?” asked Barry.
“ Not to me,” said dad, who decided that flying back to Scotland was going to be easier than he thought.

***

Justtin tried chatting up the jump jet, but being vastly superior in the intelligence department, Justtin decided to leave the jet to its humdrum life.
Justtin needed a challenge, and spent his days scanning the radio waves, trying to find that one little thing that would stimulate him. He stumbled across a radio play, and found what he was looking for.
He knew that he was being watched by Barry, but that didn’t make any difference.
Justtin was wobbling backwards and forwards on his tracks. I would have said pacing, but to pace, you would need legs. Justtin was lacking in that department, so he just wobbled, which is a fair description, considering he had no legs.
While Justtin was busy wobbling, he was also busy doing something else.
It’s a fair assumption, that being a robot with multi-capability, then surely, he must be capable of multi-tasking.
Pretty much the same as we humans are capable of eating and talking at the same time, even though our parents would tell us it was wrong and bad manners, etc. etc.
Justtin’s something else was laughter. He was laughing to himself.
“ He he he!”
“ Ha ha ha!”
“ Ho ho ho!”
I suppose you get the idea. I do.
But what was he laughing at? Well, lets take a closer look.
“ He he he! Oh, that is funny. Ha ha ha. It’s cracking me up. Ho ho ho,” he guffawed. “ This is too much.”
“ Hey, Jus. What are you laughing at?” asked Barry.
“ Ha ha. Hi Barry,” said Justtin. “ This is hilarious. Ha ha.”
“ What is?” asked Barry, none the wiser.
“ I’ve tuned into the BBC,” said the robot. “ I’m listening to a radio play called The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. It’s hysterical. There’s a manic-depressive robot called Marvin. He’s brilliant.”
“ Ah yes,” said Barry. “ Douglas Adams. A very funny man.”
“ You got that right, big Baz,” said Justtin. “ Do you need anything, or can I get back to the radio?”
“ Yes,” said Barry. “ Have you done a scan of the area recently?”
“ Yeah, half an hour ago. Just before this started. Nothing to report.”
“ Ok. Enjoy the programme.”
“ I will.”
Justtin went back to his laughing and Barry went to find his dad, happy in the knowledge that at least his robot wasn’t depressed.

***

“ It can’t be any different to flying any other jet,” dad said to Barry.
“ So you’ve not actually flown a Harrier then,” said Barry. “ It’s a bit dangerous, isn’t it?”
“ Of course not,” dad lied. “ Just the take off and landing concerns me a little, that’s all. The instructions are not very clear.”
“ I can get you a new set,” said Justtin.
“ That would make sense,” said Barry, not wanting his dad to blow up on take off.
“ Ok, Justtin. Go for it,” said dad.
Justtin used his built in modem to send a message to MI3, and after a few of those short minutes, as opposed to a few of those long ones, he received the information that dad required.
“ Can you print it off for me?” asked dad.
“ You want it all, don’t you?” said Justtin as he printed the flight instructions for dad.
“ Do they help?” asked Barry.
“ Sort of,” said dad, holding them upside down. Barry noticed the mistake, and turned the instructions up the right way.
“ Are you sure about this?” Barry asked, not convinced.
“ Piece of cake,” said dad, trying to hide his embarrassment, due to the simple mistake.
“ It has vertical take off and landing,” said Justtin. “ Or you’ll need a minimum of fifty yards of runway.”
“ Or an aircraft carrier,” chipped in Barry.
Dad thought about the area surrounding the place in Scotland, but couldn’t think of anywhere in the vicinity where he could land the plane safely.
“ Fifty yards isn’t much, is it?” said dad.
“ Are you having second thoughts?” asked Barry.
“ No chance,” said dad. “ You don’t get a chance to fly one of these babies every day.”
“ Well, if you’re going to go through with this, I want to go with you,” said Barry.
“ No way,” said dad. “ We’ve had this conversation, and you stay here.”
“ But if I come with you,” said Barry, “ surely the Iraqi’s will leave this place alone, won’t they?”
“ Who can tell what they will do next,” said dad. “ They’re all a bit weird.”
“ You should be careful of what you say,” said Barry. “ It was that sort of thing that started all this.”
“ All I said was, that I thought, in my own opinion, that they were a bunch of brain fried, hot headed wankers,” said dad defending his outburst. “ Nothing wrong in that is there?”
“ Only that it got Zed hurt,” said Barry, reminding his dad. “ If you hadn’t said anything, then none of this would have happened.”
“ Fair enough,” said dad, “ but it still doesn’t mean you can come to Scotland.”
“ So, how long will you be gone?” Barry asked.
“ As long as it takes,” said dad, pointing at the jump jet. “ With that thing there, I can do the trip to Scotland in an hour. And the quicker I get there, the quicker I can get back.”
“ So we’re talking hours, not days.”
“ It will be days, rather than weeks.”
Barry groaned. That wasn’t the answer he was looking for. He bit his lip while he thought of another way to get his dad to take him with him to Scotland.
“ Don’t bother,” said dad. “ You ain’t coming.”

***

Barry didn’t watch his dad take off. He didn’t want to see the plane crash. He needn’t have worried. The plane rose majestically into the air, turned to face the north, and was gone.
After thirty seconds, Justtin sighed.
“ Very impressive,” he said, as he moved back toward the house to find Barry.
“ He got off ok then,” said Barry.
“ Yep. He’s already out of my scanner range,” said Justtin.
“ Really? How fast is he going?” asked Barry.
“ When I lost him, he was just reaching 600 miles per hour,” said Justtin.
“ Nothing really, considering that the aircraft can do over 700mph.”
Barry couldn’t imagine something travelling that fast, so he looked to Justtin for a clue.
“ I’m not sure that I can,” said Justtin. “ You sneeze at about 120mph. Is that any help?”
“ Not really,” said Barry.
Zed was sitting on his bed, listening to Barry and the robot.
“ Maybe I can help,” he said.
“ Be my guest,” said Justtin.
“ If you go on the motorway,” Zed started, “ the top speed you can do is 70mph. So, if you can imagine going ten times faster than that, you have your answer.”
“ Nope,” said Barry, “ it still don’t help.”
“ Well,” said Justtin, “ in less than an hour, he’ll be back with your mum. In fact, in almost the time it takes to listen to the Van Halen album. Go on Zed, put it on.”
“ Really?” said Zed. “ Why?”
“ I’m into all things metal,” said Justtin.
“ Alright!” said Zed.
“ Let’s rock!” said Justtin.

Night Shift News-Football Special

RM Romford FC 2 Brazil 2
The long awaited game of the Year kicked off on Saturday Jan 2nd. The original 3pm start was brought forward to 1pm to accommodate the huge turn out for this game, and to get volunteers to help sweep the snow from the pitch. Once the volunteers had finished, they had to quickly change into the home kit and run back onto the frozen ground for kick off. Romford Captain Neal Price won the toss, and chose to defend the supporters end, which could have been a difficult choice, as all four sides of the Sandgate Stadium were full, depending on camera angle, but it turned out to be a wise choice as his mate with the hip flask, was behind that particular goal.
With Kaka and Robinho in the starting line up for Brazil, Romford knew they had to be better than their last turn out against West Ham's youth team a few days before. And better they were, going 1-0 up through an own goal in the 7th minute. A quick corner resulted in a near post flick on by Robinson, only to see the ball cannon into the net by the defecting John Terry, who had received his Brazilian nationality that morning.
Brazil had more than one chance towards the end of the first half. In fact it was two. Terry climbed on Darren Moore for a piggy back ride, but missed the ball. Two minutes later, with Terry still on Moores back, Daniel Alves charged into the Romford penalty area, tripping Moore, which subsequently launched Terry into the goal. Offside was the ruling as more than one player had fallen over at the same time.
The ref blew for half time fags and beer and 15 minutes later we were off to the offy for more.
The second half was a slow and sloppy game and doesn't have much to report, but the last 10 minutes saw Brazil make a substitution, when Fernando Torres came on for Kaka. Torres had decided to become Brazilian because he liked the look, and said he felt comfortable with 'so little hair down there'.
Neal Price chose his moment to signal the bench, and a few moments later he did. And with a flurry of activity, 3 subs were ready to make an entry. But before the subs could get on the pitch, Robinho had unleashed a rocket to put the game at 1-1.
Romford took off Dennis Quinn, Darren Moore and Slartibartfast ( the on loan player from Hitch Hikers Guide To LA Galaxy) and brought on Cesc Fabregas, Carlos Tevez and Didier Drogba, who had all signed for Romford that morning.
Within a minute of the substitutions, Fabregas fed a sublime pass to Drogba, who slotted home neatly. A minute after that, Dani Alves hit a 40 yard free kick, that was so hard the ball is now in orbit. That made it 2-2. And the referee blew the full time whistle. Carlos Tevez didn't really feature that much. He looked like he was having trouble fitting into his new skin.
After the game, Romford's captain and team mentor, Neal Price, had a few words to say about the days events.
" It was a hard game, but we learned a lot. The way they passed the ball, and the movement was magical. We'll try passing next time. It looks like fun."
When asked about the support, he said, " Tremendous. It's amazing how you can make 15 people look like a couple of thousand, just by tying them to the TV camera's. Where ever the camera's were shooting, the same bunch of crowd were there. Almost like watching Top of the Pops."

Things I said today

I was in ASDA with the Missus and I found a cheap pair of jeans for her. " If your struggling for cash, how can you afford them?" she asked. " Don't worry about it," I said. " I'll go to the bank in the morning and buy some more money."
Needing a bath, I asked if the bath was going to be cleaned before I used it. " The dirt needs changing," I said.