Justtin

Chapter six

Zed’s plan.

Later that night, after being asked to leave the pub by Jeff, for harassing Hannah, Barry staggered back to the flat, with Zed and Pug in tow.
Neither of them could say exactly how much they’d had to drink, but they both agreed it was in double figures, and Barry was convinced the number started with three.
It’s funny how drink effects the way you walk. All you want to do is go forward. No says the drink. I want to go left and right first. And even though you paid for the stuff, you always let it get it’s own way. ( Drink 1, You 0 ).
Zed wanted a kebab, like you do.
Zed had a kebab, like you do.
Zed threw up, like you do, but he said he felt much better afterwards.
They finally reached Barry’s flat, after bouncing between cars and hedges for most of the walk, and slowly made their way up the stairs, trying desperately not to disturb Justtin, who rested downstairs, due to his stair phobia.
“ Awright tosser?” said Pug, but got no response.
Must be switched off, thought Pug. Sounds good to me, he thought again, as he reached the top of the stairs.
Finally, the pair collapsed on the sofa, and Zed started to contemplate their next move.
Preferably one that wasn’t doing it on it’s own, as the room started to spin. Zed wanted to throw up, again, so decided to take his mind off it, by devising
a plan.
They had to get to Scotland, and quick.
Barry had explained what Penny had told him about the van, and as with most things, Zed just shrugged his shoulders, and got over it.
Zed sat and thought about what they should do, as his head swam, and slowly but surely, something started to gel.
“ That’s it!” said Zed loudly enough to make Pug, who had fallen asleep on his feet, fall over.
“ What’s it?” said Barry through a self induced fuzz.
“ We’ll nick a car,” said Zed, triumphantly.
“ Are you having a laugh?” asked Barry.
“ Why? Would it help?” said Zed. “ No, seriously. We’ve got to get to Scotland, right?”
“ Right,” Barry agreed.
“ And it’s too far to walk, right?”
“ Right again,” Barry agreed again.
“ So, we nick a car, right?”
“ Wrong,” said Barry. “ It’s not right. Can’t we borrow one? What about Jeff, or Hannah, the barmaid. She’s got a fantastic set of wheels.”
“ Very nice,” Zed agreed. “ But we can’t borrow Jeff’s. It’s being repaired. And we can’t borrow Hannah’s, because they haven’t fished it out of the river yet.”
“ What’s it doing in there?” enquired Barry.
“ No idea,” said Zed, “ but eyewitnesses claim it was being chased by a seven foot robot with an erection, pulling a dog on a leash.”
“ Oh shit,” said Barry as he remembered the previous night, when Justtin had turned up looking sheepish, and Pug was so worn out, he’d fallen asleep under his barstool, and stayed there, much to the annoyance of Jeff, the landlord. He was losing customers on that side of the bar, mainly because they couldn’t tell what it was.
Of course, Zed remembered Justtin and Pug returning to the pub, but what they had been up to, was no business of his.
“ So pinching one is the only option left,” Zed continued.
“ Well, I don’t like it,” stated Barry, who got up to walk away.
“ Look, we’ll take one from the car park,” said Zed. “ It’s nice and quiet, and no one will know.”
“ Of course they’ll know,” said Barry. “ It won’t be there when they go to get it, will it?”
“ Ok. We’ll borrow one and forget to bring it back.”
“ I’m still not convinced,” said Barry, not convinced.
“ Look, by the time anyone notices, we’ll be long gone,” said Zed.
“ It’s not right,” said Barry. “ It’s like, you know, stealing.”
“ It’s not like stealing, you dope. It is stealing.”
“ Oh, great. I’m so glad you cleared that up,” said Barry. “ Anyway, we’re forgetting that we need something big enough to take Justtin.”
“ What about a bus then?”
“ Can you drive a bus?” asked Barry.
“ I dunno. I never tried,” said Zed.
“ Anyway, we can’t do anything tonight,” said Barry.
“ Why not?” asked Zed.
“ Coz, we’ve had too much to drink.”
“ Rubbish!” exclaimed Zed.
“ You’re not seriously considering driving to Scotland in that state are you?” asked Barry, getting nervous.
“ No, I mean you can never have too much to drink,” mused Zed.
“ Good point. Brandy?” asked Barry.
“ Super,” said Zed.
“ Tomorrow then,” said Barry.
“ Ok,” said Zed, just before he passed out.

***

Dad followed the coast for as far as he could, before he was driven inland, due to rocks and a high cliff face.
Still travelling by field and forest, he made very little contact with man, or mechanical beast. Just the way he liked it.
The evening was drawing in, once again, and dad thought that now was a good a time as any to find himself some shelter for the night.
He surveyed his surroundings, but didn’t see anything that offered much in the shelter department, so he carried on walking, and just hoped that something would come his way. Well, everything else had gone ok so far, so why not now. Is it because I haven’t thought of it yet, or was it something completely different?
Ok, let’s try this.
The further inland dad went, the darker it was getting, and the darker it got, the more shadows were being thrown at him. In the distance, one shadow in particular, seemed larger than the others, so dad decided to investigate.
As he neared the aforementioned shadow, the more he realised he was looking at remains of an old, disused castle. Perfect, he thought. Somewhere to get my head down.
He reached the outer wall, and knew that he would have to find a way in, so he turned to his left and followed the wall.
This was a good choice.
If he’d turned right, he would have ended up in the same river that swept him out to sea. But I’ve decided not to mention it to him. He’s got enough problems.
Dad kept the wall to his right, and could feel himself walking down a small slope. Soon he came to a break in the brickwork, which presented him with a choice. He could either carry on following the wall, or climb the brickwork and get into the castle a little bit quicker.
Dad decided that the whole idea of coming to the castle in the first place, was to get some shelter, so he climbed the brickwork. On reaching the top, he stared down into a deep abyss of darkness.
He wondered if he had made the right decision, but it was getting darker, and now was not the time to start back tracking, so slowly and carefully, he made his way down into the dark.
The lower he went, the more his eyes adjusted to the light, and before long, he could make out the shapes of towers and columns in front of him. He edged forward, and feeling tired from his afternoon’s trek, he sat next to one of the columns and waited for his eyes to take in more light, and as they did, he started to make out some statues.
He walked to the nearest one to take a closer look, but in the dark, he could only make out a basic shape, so rather than waste time, he decided to go back to where he’d left his belongings, make himself comfortable, and have a better look around in the morning.

***

“ ‘Ere, tosser,” said Pug.
“ That is so unfair,” said Justtin, stirring from what can only be described as sleeping. “ I had images in my head. I could see things. Movement. And I could hear people talking.”
“ Ah,” said Pug. “ They’re called dreams, they are. I get them. Only mine are usually about fleas. Big ones. The scratching always wakes me up.”
“ The only thing waking me up was you,” said Justtin. “ That’s if I was actually asleep, that is.”
“ Well, you looked like it to me,” said Pug.
“ And you woke me up,” said Justtin. “ Bloody typical. The only time I can honestly say I was asleep, and you woke me up. I hope it was important.”
“ Depends,” said Pug. “ We’re going to somewhere called Scotland. Pretty exciting stuff, eh?”
“ Been there, done that, and got the tartan seat-belt cover,” said Justtin.
“ Really, when?” asked Pug, as he sat down to wash his bum.
“ Do you have to do that?” asked Justtin.
“ Course I do. No one else is gonna do it. Why? Want a go?”
“ Er, no thank you,” said Justtin.
“ That’s why I have to do it,” said Pug. “ You were going to tell me when.”
“ 25 years ago,” said Justtin, matter of factly. “ We all went to Scotland to find Barry’s dad, and came back with a squirrel.”
“ I thought he was Barry’s dad,” said Pug.
“ Nothing concrete,” said Justtin. “ But Barry didn’t have anything else to go on, and couldn’t bare to part with him. We just sort of, went along with it.”
“ So the squirrel isn’t really Barry’s dad,” said Pug.
“ Of course not,” said Justtin. “ Or this book would have finished ages ago.”
“ So you spent all this time pretending that a squirrel was Barry’s dad. Didn’t anybody raise an eyebrow, ask questions or anything?”
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ Everybody. But what can you tell them? It’s just a minor problem, but he’s getting much better. No, we just ignored the interest. Sooner or later, the busy bodies gave up, and once we got ourselves settled in Romford, well, there seemed to be less interest than ever. I think most people look at B, and realise we have much more to worry about.”
“ Meaning?” asked Pug.
“ That thing is a one woman hate campaign,” said Justtin. “ If it moves, she hates it.”
“ What, even me?” asked Pug.
“ You move occasionally, don’t you?”
“ Of course. You taking the piss?”
“ And what if I was?” asked Justtin.
“ You should be very careful when it comes to piss taking,” said Pug.
“ Now I’m intrigued,” said Justtin. “ Are you going to tell me why?”
“ Well, this might sound a bit odd,” said Pug, “ but in a former life, I think I was a fireman.”
“ This is fantastic stuff,” said Justtin. “ Please go on.”
“ You’re not taking this seriously are you?” said Pug.
“ I’m all hearing devices,” said Justtin.
“ Well, I seem to know how to combat fires,” said Pug. “ I don’t understand how I know, but trust me, if a fire was to break out now, I would know exactly what to do.”
“ Yes, the same as most, I imagine. Run away and phone the Fire Service.”
“ Not a chance,” said Pug. “ By the time the Fire Service got here, I would have dealt with it.”
“ How?” asked Justtin, more intrigued than ever.
“ Think back, to about two minutes ago,” said Pug. “ We were talking about taking the piss. How do you think?”
“ A dog that has the ability to put out fires, with it’s own built in hose. Very impressive. But you won’t be able to get too close, being short ‘n all.”
“ Don’t you worry about that,” said Pug. “ I may be small, but I ain’t skinny.”
“ What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Justtin.
“ I have no idea. Been standing up too long. Could do with a snnnoooz…”
Justtin looked at Pug, and wondered why he’d stopped. Pug was still standing, but not for very long, as he suddenly fell sideways and hit the floor, fast asleep.
Justtin thought about exacting some kind of revenge for being woken earlier, but decided that there was plenty of time for that. That gives me time to think up something spectacular, he thought.

***

Barry had an idea, and Barry’s idea was far more legal than Zed’s plan. It was the morning after the night before, and the hangovers were there for all to see. But Barry was one of those wretched people, who always had his best ideas, when most of us were still trying to peel a leathery tongue off of the pillow.
They needed transport.
He managed a band.
The band had a van.•
All he had to do was convince the band, that borrowing the van was important.
That was when Barry hatched his master plan. The plan to outdo all others. The biggest, bestest plan the world had ever seen. The ultimate plan.
He woke Zed and told him his plan.
“ Is that it?” Zed asked. “ You’re going to tell the band that they have a gig in Scotland, just so we can use the van to go and get your dad. That’s a terrible idea.”
“ Why? Because you didn’t think of it first?” asked Barry.
“ Yes, mostly,” said Zed.
Barry ignored him, and went off to the kitchen, to get a greasy fry-up prepared.
“ Morning B,” he said as he entered the kitchen, to find Aunt B dressed in her favourite camouflage dress.
She must have been up all night, Barry thought, as he noticed all the sequins covering her arms.
“ Why are you holding your head?” she asked, knowing the answer.
“Too much to drink,” said Barry.
“ Serves you right for drinking out of wet glasses,” said B, looking at the mess ( Barry ) staring into space.
“ Planning something?” he asked, as he took a frying pan from the draining board.
“ Yep,” she replied. “ I’ve got a busy day ahead.”
“ Must be important, for you to get all dressed up,” he mentioned.
“ Not really,” Said B, not giving anything away, and not wanting to continue the conversation for any longer than she had to.
“ Well, we have some news,” said Barry, breaking two eggs into the aforementioned frying pan.
“ Fascinating,” said B, not taking any notice.
“ We’re going back to Scotland,” said Barry, not noticing B not taking any notice.
“ Smashing,” said B.
“ Are you coming?” asked Barry, as he turned the eggs, and stirred the baked beans that I’d failed to mention, along with the bacon, sausages, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and toast.
B watched the steam rise from the boiling kettle, but still didn’t hear what Barry was saying.
“ What?” she said.
“ We’re going back to Scotland to find my dad, are you coming?”
“ Can I take the tank?”
“ Er, no. Not this time,” Barry said, thinking about the rusting heap of metal that still sat outside B’s old farmhouse in the Essex countryside. He failed to mention that the tank had been sealed, completely, and had been filled with water, and tropical fish.
“ Well, that’s settled then,” said B. “ I’ll stay here and take care of business.”
“ What business?” asked Barry, not concentrating on his cooking.
“ My business,” she said. “ And watch what you’re doing.”
But B was too late, as Barry knocked the frying pan, sending a spray of hot fat all over the cooker.
There was a quiet whoosh, as the fat caught fire, and small flames started to join together, to become bigger flames.
“ That’s a pretty fire,” said B.
“ Fire? I’ll get it,” said Pug, but only Justtin heard him, as Pug got up from the chat they were having, and ran quickly to the kitchen.
There was a sudden blur of movement, and before Barry could work out what was happening, the fire was out, and Pug was making his way out of the kitchen.
“ Told you, didn’t I,” said Pug.
“ I’m impressed,” said Justtin, warming to his short friend.
“ Can someone please tell me what just happened here,” asked Barry.
“ The dog did it,” said B.
“ The dog did what?” asked Barry.
“ He put the fire out,” said B.
“ Eh? But how?” asked Barry.
“ Better if you don’t know,” said Justtin. “ And if I was you, I would wash up and start again.”
“ What is that smell?” Barry asked, as the eau de toilet hit him.
“ As I said just now, it’s probably best, that you don’t know,” said Justtin,
“ But I do remember telling you a while ago, that this dog was going to be special.”
“ Fanks mate,” said Pug, standing in the doorway.
“ I still don’t understand,” said Barry, totally confused.
“ Is he thick, or what?” asked Pug. “ He don’t know much, do he?”
“ Less than me,” said Justtin.
“ And me,” said Aunt B.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ What?” said Justtin.
“ I can hear the dog talking,” said B.
“ Rubbish,” said Barry.
“ Rubbish,” said Justtin.
“ No you can’t,” said Pug.
“ Yes I can,” B said to all three.
“ Oh bugger,” said Pug.
“ Your making it up,” said Barry.
“ Since when?” Justtin asked.
“ No I’m not. Yesterday,” she said. “ And stop swearing Pug.”
“ What swearing?” said Barry. “ I never heard a thing.”
“ I’m glad about that,” said Pug. “ Look old lady, do you mind if we keep this from him. Like, pretend or something.”
“ What? You mean, make him think I’m making it up,” said B. “ Why would I want to do that?”
“ You’re very old,” said Pug, “ and unless Justtin backs you up, Barry might think you’re hearing things. Then he might have to consider putting you in a home.”
B thought about this. If she was put in a home, she wouldn’t be able to follow Hilda Turner about, and at the moment, that was all she wanted to do.
She knew that Turner woman was going to cause her some grief, sooner or later, and B wanted to be around when it happened.
“ It must be old age,” she told Barry. “ Maybe it’s the Angels telling me that my time is getting close.”
“ So you didn’t hear the dog then,” said Barry.
“ What dog?” said B.
“ Nice one,” said Pug.
“ Thank Christ for that,” said Barry. “ I almost considered putting you in a home. And don’t worry about the Angels. You’ve got plenty of time yet.”
“ What Angels?” said B.
“ He he,” chuckled Pug. “ You’re funny.”
“ Don’t push your luck, buster,” said B.

***

In the daylight, the statues were a lot clearer than the night before, and dad got the shock of his life.
Eleven stone figures looked out across the ruins in different directions, and it didn’t take long for dad to realise, that he knew every last one of them. Well almost.
Each figure was on it’s own plinth, and each plinth had a name, neatly inscribed in to it.
Dad got up and went to the nearest statue, and read the name on the plinth.
BARRY 1977.
He ran his fingers over the inscription and slowly looked up at his son.
Well, you ain’t changed much, thought dad.
Justtin looked as menacing as he could, with a rear view mirror stuck to the side of his head, and a pair of Rayban sunglasses, bent out of shape, professionally, to fit his large head.
Aunt B stood there, with a grenade in her hand.
Zed looked like he was holding a pack of cards, and the first thing that crossed dad’s mind was, ‘ just like that’. Thank you very much.
Penny looked brilliant, with her shaved head and machine gun. If anybody had ever heard of Rambo, she was he, if you get my meaning.
Mum looked liked she was pointing to where the washing up should go, which because of habit, Zed and Barry seemed to be facing in a completely different direction.
The statues of old Nev, Ray and Fergus were close together, which was the way they had been for years.
As for Bert, well let’s just say, that if stone could talk, this piece would be saying, too much to drink please barman, as Bert pleaded with the air.
Dad looked at the squirrel and scratched his head. Why, he thought? He could understand some things, but a squirrel? Maybe the squirrel just happened to be there when the carving was done. Then dad got an even bigger shock, as he read the name on the plinth. Dad 1977.
He stood and stared in amazement.
“ What the hell is that all about?” he muttered to himself.
None of it made any sense.
He assumed that Justtin was responsible, naturally.
Who else could have carved these statues with such precision? It must have taken ages, he thought. But the whole thing had only taken Justtin an hour.
On a full battery, the robot went on a mission, and with no distractions, Justtin carved eleven life-size statues, in sixty minutes.
When asked why, Justtin said it was because he was bored.
Dad looked again at the statues surrounding him, and marvelled at Justtin’s handiwork. He walked in and out of the statues, looking at the inscriptions on each one. The more he looked, the more he realised he was missing them all.
Then he remembered the signal device, and thought he’d give it one last try. He took the device out of it’s plastic bag, and switched it on.
Yet again the little light faded out, and dad wasn’t sure if a message had been sent or not.
He needn’t have worried.

***

400 miles away, in Romford, Justtin shook.
“ I hate that,” he said.
“ What now?” asked Barry.
“ I just got another faint message from your dad,” said Justtin. “ Only this time it’s a lot closer than before.”
“ How much closer?” asked Barry, getting more than a little excited.
“ About a mile,” said Justtin.
“ That’s not that much closer,” said Barry, in one of his observant moods.
“ Its closer than the last one,” said Justtin.
“ Did you get a fix on it?” asked Barry.
“ No,” said Justtin. “ But I put him a bit closer to the area I showed Penny. I have a strange feeling that we’ve been to this area before.”
“ Where, exactly?”
“ Not 100%, but do you remember the castle?”
“ What castle?” asked Barry, who’s head was doing that sieve thing.
“ The statues. Now do you remember? I carved everybody in stone.”
“ Bloody hell. I’d forgotten all about that,” said Barry. “ But what about it?”
“ That’s the area that dad’s signal came from, well, as near as.”
“ Are you sure?” asked Barry.
“ Twenty five years, and you still don’t trust me,” said Justtin.
“ Er, yeah. Sorry about that,” said Barry.
“ Accepted,” said Justtin.
“ I better get this van sorted out,” said Barry, and with that, he called to Pug.
“ Can’t I get any peace?” said the dog.
“ Apparently not,” said Justtin. “ Bye bye.”
“ See ya later, tinny,” said Pug.
“ Ha, fucking ha,” said Justtin.

***

Aunt B was on special manoeuvres, in Romford market. She’d spotted Hilda Turner by the vegetable stall and was determined to catch her gossiping. Any old gossip would do.
B had become obsessed with Hilda Turner. She knew every little thing about her, right down to what colour toilet roll she’d bought.
B also knew where Hilda lived. She’d been outside Hilda’s place at six o’clock that morning, just in case Hilda made an early start. And as luck would have it, Hilda set off for the market at nine.
B watched every move that Hilda made, from a safe distance. Or what Aunt B considered safe.
She watched her go into the Post office to buy some stamps and a postal order, then watched her go into the market, where Hilda bought some wrapping paper, some wool for her knitting, later that day, and a box of men size tissues.
With her goods in her bag, Hilda went to a phone box, and made a quick call.
B didn’t see anything wrong with this. Everybody has to make phone calls, don’t they? Even in this day and age, with millions of mobile phones being used, on this island alone, B wasn’t surprised by this latest move of Hilda’s.
What she was surprised by though, were the two burly Policemen that asked her to accompany them to the station for questioning, in regard to a complaint they had received from a Mrs. Hilda Turner.
B had been arrested on suspicion of stalking, and had to be locked in a cell, pending investigation.
But of course, B hadn’t gone quietly. One of the arresting officers had suffered a broken arm, and the other had a severely bruised shin, due to a well-placed boot.
The bitch, thought B. Out smarted by that bloody busy body.
Now, Hilda had something to gossip about.

***

Barry had no idea of B’s predicament.
He was busy explaining to the band that he’d found them a gig, near Scotland.
“ How near Scotland,” asked Ade. “ I mean, it’s either in Scotland, or it isn’t.”
“ We’ll know more as we get closer,” said Barry, thinking as quickly as he could.
“ Dis smells fishy to me, so it does,” said Pat. “ You make it sound loike de venue is on de move, and dat ain’t roight. I don’t loike dem dere movin’ venues.”
“ What, you mean it’s a gig on a boat?” asked Ade. “ I’ve never done one of them.”
That was the break-through that Barry was looking for.
“ Yes,” he said. “ That’s exactly what it is. A gig on a boat. But we have to get up there and call them, and they will let us know where they are.”
“ Cool,” said Ade. “ Start packing up, Pat. I’ll go and bring the van around the back.”
“ Roight you are,” said Pat, as he eyed Barry suspiciously. Barry looked away, and pretended to do that whistle thing that’s usually associated with bull shit.
“ Oh, and don’t worry about taking any gear with you,” he said. I’m on a roll now, he thought, might as well carry on. “ Everything will be provided when we get there.”
“ What? Everything?” asked Ade.
“ That’s what I was told,” said Barry. “ All we have to do is get there.”
“ We’ll have to take our own guitars,” said Ade.
“ Of course,” said Barry. “ That’s what I said to the bloke on the phone. What about Mick? Is he taking his own sticks?”
“ You try and stop me,” said Mick. “ These are dead special. Can’t get ‘em anywhere.”
“ But I got you 50 pairs yesterday, and quite easily,” said Barry, a little confused.
“ Oh yeah,” said Mick. “ Must have been thinking of something else.”
“ Right,” said Barry, pleased with his morning’s work. “ Be ready to leave here in an hour. I’ll go and round up the guys, and be right back.”
“ What guys?” asked Pat.
“ Just Zed, Penny and Justtin,” said Barry.
“ What about the mad lady,” asked Ade.
“ My Aunt is staying behind,” said a deflated Barry. Everyone seemed to think the old girl was mad, apart from him. “ She has business to sort out here.”
“ I’m sorry,” said Ade. “ I didn’t realise she was your Aunt. I thought she was someone you had taken pity on.”
“ What?” said Barry, feeling hurt.
“ Only joking,” said Ade. “ See you in an hour.”