Justtin

Part two

Chapter one

Pastures old

Now I bring you up to date.
It’s 25 years later, and nothing has changed. Well, some things have, but Barry is still a clumsy twat.
Justtin no longer relies on tracks to get him around, as Barry’s clever ability with anything electrical or mechanical, or bionical, or whatever you want to call it, means that the metal man now has legs. But during the complicated operation, Barry managed to weld his wristwatch to the inside of Justtin’s groin, and that’s where it remains. Brings a whole new meaning to a timepiece, I suppose. And to make matters worse, Justtin’s favourite saying before the operation was ‘ would you like to see my nuts?’ But now, due to Barry’s clumsiness, that can now be added to ‘ would you like to see my Rolex?’
The real problem is, that Justtin is totally serious. It’s not your normal, everyday chat up line. If Justtin wants you to see his Rolex, he means just that.
Barry’s knowledge of all things mechanical, apart from what he learned from his dad, was due to him finishing his education with an Honours Degree in Electrical Engineering, another in Computing Technology, and finally, a BA in Art and Technology Design.
All sounds pretty impressive, doesn’t it? A BA in Art and Technology Design. That means you can design something very technical, then paint it pretty colours afterwards.
Ok?
The story so far.
We have Barry, who has become a very intelligent young man, and Justtin, who now has legs, and is also sporting the new paint job he didn’t think he’d get. With a claret body, light blue arms, white legs and black feet, Justtin also has a big white number 6 on his back, with the letters MOORE above it.
But what about dad, Zed and Penny, B and mum, and all the others, I hear you ask?
Well, it’s 25 years later, and you can’t really expect them all to be alive, surely?
That’s right, some of them died. Some tragic, some not.
Aunt B is still with us, and she might be 90, but she still has an eye for the weird and wonderful. She’s probably wearing it right now. We shall see.
Due to various promotions, M.I.3. had become M.I.6. and Jacobs had become the top man, known simply as J, with Stevens as his faithful sidekick and drinking partner, known simply as Stevens.
As for Pat Bains, he’d left the organisation some years before to become a postman. He could be found in the Golden Lamb on market days, and claimed that his new job would help with his passion for stamp collecting. He was known simply as, that twat who reckons he was in the secret service.
Alas, Poor Old Nev, Ray, and Fergus didn’t make it this far.
Nev had a heart attack on the journey home from Scotland.
Ray took him to a hospital, south of Manchester, while the destruction by a T-34 tank was being investigated by the local police, but Nev was dead on arrival.
Ray was so heartbroken at losing his best friend, he joined him the following day.
Mr. Fishmonger was really pissed off about having to collect his van from the hospital car park. So pissed off in fact, that due to loss of concentration, he hit a lamppost outside the hospital, and decided to stay where he was, until he got better.
Fergus had nothing to stay for, so he returned to his native Ireland, where he got knocked down by a horse and cart, overtaking on the wrong side of the road.
He was better off dead. He wouldn’t have liked the centre parting that the cart had given him. A bit too wide.
So that leaves Bert, mum, dad, Zed and Penny.
Bert is easy to catch up with. He can still be found in the Golden Lamb, and feels very much at home there, now that he’s the same age as most of the other patrons. If this pub could be found in Eastbourne ( Pensioners capitol of Britain ), it would be full all the time, due to the pensionable aged population.
Not that the Shakes was ever empty. Saturday night was karaoke night, but we’ll leave that for a while.
Dad the squirrel is still around, which I’m sure will cause some confusion amongst the more educated.
How can a squirrel live for more than twenty-five years? I don’t know, but I have a theory, and this is it.
When Barry found dad, he was a red squirrel. Very rare. Did it ever occur to anyone, that the reason there are so many grey squirrels, and so few red ones is because, the same as humans, the hair changes colour. The red hair becomes grey through old age. Perfectly logical captain, but probably totally wrong.
Anyway, for this reason, dad the squirrel is still with us, and shares Barry’s flat, in Romford, along with Justtin and Aunt B. It’s a big flat.
As for mum, well there’s not much to add, because she plays such a small part in the whole story. She never did come to terms with the idea that dad was a squirrel, so she told Barry to look after dad, until she had more proof. So we’ll leave her at home, in the bustling metropolis, that is now Romford, looking after Barry’s younger brother, Harold.
So what about Zed and Penny I hear you say. Well, Zed is now a successful T.V. magician, whose speciality is cutting women in half. Or more accurate, one woman. Penny. Yes, you guessed. Zed and Penny are an inseparable item, and Penny is Zed’s T.V. sidekick.
Barry is convinced that Zed is scared of getting his arm broken, if he does anything stupid, like dump Penny. Zed insisted that this was not the case, but that didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy cutting her in half.
And as for Penny, she became a beautiful blond, with two black streaks in her hair, one each side of her head. The only visible signs of an incident that happened in a barn, 25 years before.
So, that’s everything up to date, I think.
Let’s get on with it, shall we.

***

Justtin had made himself comfortable on the train, as it left Waverley station, Edinburgh, for it’s journey back to London. He’d propped his huge frame in a corner, and put his feet on the chair opposite, much to the disgust of the old lady sitting next to his feet.
“ Hello sexy,” said Justtin, and he blew her a kiss.
Even more disgusted, the old lady got up to find somebody she could complain to, and another seat.
“ Justtin strikes again,” said Zed.
“ I had to,” said Justtin. “ You don’t get a chance like that everyday.”
“ She’ll probably come back with a guard, or something,” said Barry, still panicky, after all these years.
“ And what if she does,” said Justtin, opening one of his small panels, and extending an electronic prod. “ There’s enough power in this baby to floor a cow.”
He stopped and pondered that thought.
“ Oh bugger,” he said, “ I just let one get away.”
Barry thought that was hilarious and started to laugh.
Zed had a mouth of lager at the time, and he was trying desperately not to spray Barry, so he’d tried swallowing instead, but that only resulted in the beer coming out of his nose, which made Barry laugh even harder.
Justtin put his prod away and looked out of the window.
“ What are we going to do when we get back to Romford?” he asked casually.
“ Not too much,” said Zed. “ I’ve got to meet Penny at the studio in the morning. We start rehearsals for my new show. So I don’t want to go too far.”
“ I’ll probably go and see Bert,” said Barry. “ The old git enjoys the company.”
“ Sounds good to me,” said Justtin. “ Do they still do that 3 in 1 cocktail?”
“ There’s only one way to find out,” said Barry. “ If not, you’ll just have to re-invent it.”
“ Hang on,” said Zed. “ It’s Saturday.”
“ Ouch!” said Barry.
“ What?” said Zed.
“ You’re far too sharp for me,” said Barry. “ Yes, it’s Saturday. So what?”
“ Karaoke in the pub. Excellent.” Zed enjoyed a singsong.
“ Oh yeah,” said Barry. “ Ok, so what song are you going to do?”
“ Mustang Sally, what else?” said Zed. “ What about you?”
“ I dunno,” said Barry. “ I’ll see when we get there. What about you, Jus?”
“ Bits and pieces,” said Justtin. “ Story of my life.”
“ What about Metal Guru?” asked Barry.
Zed did that thing with his nose again, but all he really wanted to do was join in. He got there just before the moment had completely passed.
“ What about, He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother?” Zed spluttered.
Barry could see it coming, and came in with another.
“ Monster mash,” he said.
“ What about Iron Man?” said Zed, and he and Barry laughed some more.
“ Don’t mind me,” said Justtin. “ Just sitting here, minding my own.”
Barry was bored now, and sat polishing the award he’d received in Edinburgh, for designing an alarm clock.
Not any old alarm clock though. This had been designed for people who don’t like them. Imagine your alarm going off at 6 in the morning, telling you it’s time to get up, and face another gruelling day at the office, but you were in the middle of that nice dream you always have, and decide to take your frustration out on the clock. You pick it up, and throw it at the wall. The clock breaks, and you feel much better, only to forget to buy a new one, and you’re late the next day.
With Barry’s new alarm clock, this wouldn’t happen. He’d designed the clock with an outer coating of hard foam, so that if you threw it at the wall, it would bounce off, but it didn’t break. That meant you could be frustrated every morning.
Ingenious.
“ If you keep rubbing that,” said Justtin, “ you’re going to make a hole in it.”
“ That would suit you, wouldn’t it, Jus?” said Barry.
“ Not really,” said Justtin. “ I’m very choosy when it comes to things of the holey nature.”
“ Oh really?” said Zed, raising his eyebrows.
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ Wait until we get the chance, and you will see the master in action.
“ I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you,” said Zed, preferring to be at home with Penny.
“ Zed. Phone,” said Justtin, matter of factly.
Zed reached into his inside pocket for his mobile phone and stared at it.
“ 3,2,1,” said Justtin, as the phone started to ring.
“ It’s Penny,” Justtin said to Barry.
“ I know how you can tell there’s an incoming message or call, but how do you know who it is?” Barry wanted to know.
“ It’s all digital transmissions these days. It’s only a matter of breaking down the codes, then it gets easy.”
“ You’re amazing,” said Barry, really meaning it.
“ You better believe it,” said Justtin, “ coz you ain’t seen nothing yet.”
While Barry was thinking ‘smug bastard’, Zed said, “ Ok, bye.”
Barry looked at Zed and half expected trouble. Wrong again.
“ She’s picking us up at St. Pancras,” said Zed. “ We’ll be back in Romford by tea time.”
“ Cool,” said Barry. “ We’ll be in the pub just after tea then.”
“ Have to see what sort of mess dad has made this time,” said Justtin.
Barry shivered at the thought of the last time he’d left dad on his own. Dad had figured out how to use the telephone, and Barry had returned home to find lots of empty pizza boxes littering his living room. Bloody automated services, he thought.
“ Did Penny say if dad was ok?” Barry asked.
“ She said she’d been to the flat, but dad was out,” said Zed. “ He’s had a crap in the laundry basket again, but she said she wasn’t touching it.”
“ Oh great,” groaned Barry. “ As long as that’s all.”
Zed had spilt most of his beer out of his nose, and decided that now was a good a time as any, to get some more. So he went off to find the restaurant car.
Barry joined Justtin in watching the scenery go past. He suddenly had a thought.
“What’s Aunt B up to Jus?”
“ Cooking,” said Justtin, “ well, she’s in the kitchen, by the oven.”
“ Oh shit,” said Barry, and hastily removed his own mobile phone from his pocket. While punching in B’s number, he thought of the amount of times he’d had to get the builders in, after B’s adventures in the kitchen. He waited for the voice at the other end.
“ Hello deary,” said B, who said that to everyone, whether answering the phone, or greeting them in the street.
“ What are you doing in the kitchen?” Barry asked her.
“ Fried egg salad sandwiches with chilli sauce,” B replied.
“ Get away from the oven please Auntie,” said Barry as calmly as he could, which wasn’t much at all.
“ How do you know what I’m doing?”
“Justtin is with me, how else?” said Barry.
“ You tell that novelty swing bin to get off my back.”
“ You can tell him yourself,” said Barry, passing Justtin the phone.
“ What’s up, ugly,” said the robot, with a total lack of respect.
“ I’ll give you ugly,” screamed B at the phone, but Justtin was holding the phone at arms length, and in Justtin’s case, that meant out of the reach of everyone. As the robot pulled his hydraulic arm back in, the final words reached his hearing sensors.
“ Just get off my back,” she finished.
Justtin had a rough idea of what she had said, and he also had a rough idea of what he was going to say next.
“ Listen,” he said. “ I can’t get on your back until you have that hump removed.”
Aunt B was absolutely seething, and if you’ve ever seen those cartoons, where you see a character with steam coming out of its ears. Then picture B doing the same thing.
But Justtin hadn’t finished.
“ Is it true, that when you were young, you were so ugly, you had to be fed by catapult?”
Barry looked at Justtin, and just knew that this time he had over stepped the mark.
The tirade of abuse that followed, is mostly unprintable, but did contain the words shit, fuck, bollocks, wanker and fish.
“ You should hear what she’s saying about your dad,” said Justtin, holding the phone at arms length again.
“ I don’t have to,” said Barry. “ I can imagine.”
“ You must have a very vivid imagination then,” said Justtin, who had finally had enough and dropped Barry’s phone out of the window.
“ That was my phone,” said Barry.
“ Yeah, sorry about that. Take it out of my pocket money,” said Justtin.
“ What pocket money?” asked Barry, a little taken back.
“ Well, if you want your phone back, you’ll have to start giving me some pocket money.”
“ So I end up paying for my own phone,” said Barry.
“ Is that how it works?” said Justtin, with a wry metallic grin. “ Fascinating.”
“ You know damn well how it works,” said Barry. “ This constant battle between you and B is starting to cost me money. Why do you have to wind her up all the time?”
“ It stops me being bored,” said Justtin. “ Just imagine how much fun I have, thinking up new thing to insult her with.”
“ You’ll come unstuck soon,” said Barry.
“ I hope not,” said Justtin. “ It would cost you even more to stick me back together.”
“ You’re not taking this very seriously,” said Barry.
“ You think,” said Justtin. “ Look, all I’m doing is defending myself. She’s the one who starts the trouble. Anyway, she can’t keep it up. I mean, she’s got to die soon.”
“ That’s a horrible thing to say,” said a deeply hurt and disgusted Barry.
“ Yeah, you’re right,” said Justtin. “ I could always top her myself.”
“ What?” said Barry.
“ Here we go again,” said Justtin. “ I just thought it would put the coffin dodger out of her misery.”
“ What?” Barry couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “ So you think killing Aunt B is a good idea.”
“ It’s a start,” said Justtin. “ Just think, no more abuse.”
“ No way,” said Barry. “ You are not going to harm Aunt B, and I won’t be a party to it either.”
“ Not even a little bit?” asked Justtin.
“ Not even the smallest iota,” said Barry. “ It’s just not the done thing. You can’t go and murder somebody just because they get on your nerves.”
“ Seems very unfair,” said Justtin. “ I suppose I’ll have to think of something else.”
“ As long as it doesn’t involve someone getting hurt, maimed or dead, then I won’t have a problem with it,” said Barry. “ Anyway, it’s totally against the law.”
“ Who’s?”
“ Everyone’s,” said Barry. “ It’s just not allowed.”
“ It’s a bloody pity,” said Justtin. “ Just think of the good I could do.”
“ None whatsoever,” said Barry. “ We’re supposed to respect our elders.”
“ What. All of them?”
“ Yes,” said Barry. “ All of them. If Aunt B knew what you were thinking of, you’d end up being melted.”
Justtin shuddered.
“ Jeezus,” he said. “ She wouldn’t?”
“ I wouldn’t put it past her,” said Barry. “ She’s a very powerful woman, with a lot of contacts. You are just going to have to learn to get on.”
Justin went back to looking out of the window, deeply immersed in his own thoughts when Zed returned from the bar, with a carrier bag containing some more beers.
“ Have I missed anything?” he asked.
“ Not a lot,” lied Barry.

***

As the train rumbled in to St. Pancras, the trio were met by Penny. She hugged Barry as she always did, from a safe distance. She said hello to Justtin, who answered her with his usual response, “ Ah, Pennies from Heaven.” And as usual, Penny rolled her eyes, but she grabbed Zed and gave him a kiss, that said she hadn’t seen him for years, but in fact, it had only been two days. And as usual, Zed tried to pull away, but Penny kept a tight grip, and got her moneys worth.
They all walked to the waiting van, with Zed and Penny arm in arm. Justtin climbed in the back and strapped himself into his especially made seat, while the other’s got comfortable.
As Barry pulled the van door closed, he dropped his new award, which got trapped in the door. He reached down to pick it up and banged his head on the dashboard. As he put a hand up to his head, he knocked the gear stick, which made the van lunge forward, and smash into the back of a black taxi cab.
The driver got out of his cab, waving a fist at the van and shouting abuse.
“ Justtin, sort this out,” Barry said.
“ No problem,” said Justtin, who went quiet while concentrating.
Without warning, the black cab’s engine came to life, it put itself into gear, released it’s handbrake, and started to make it’s way toward King’s Cross station, with it’s driver in hot pursuit.
“ Nice one Jus,” said Barry.
“ Yeah,” said Justtin. “ It wasn’t bad, was it?”
They used the diversion to get themselves on the road to Romford, and within an hour, they were safely back in the haven they called home.