Justtin

Chapter fourteen

Finders keepers

“Hello you,” said Penny, stepping down from the tank.
Zed assumed by Penny’s tone, everything was going to be ok.
Silly boy.
As he reached out a hand to help her down, she grabbed his wrist, spun him around and pushed his arm up his back.
“ If you ever go off and leave me, ever again, I will break it. Understand?” she growled at him.
“ Yes,” Zed said weakly.
Barry was watching from where he and the others stood, and wondered what he was in for, but it never came. Not even a mention.
Zed was a little annoyed by that, but that’s his problem.
Justtin watched Barry and Zed talking to Penny.
“ Oh look,” he said to B. “ The good, the bad and the ugly.”
“ So, which is which?” asked B.
“ Take your pick,” said the robot. “ You all look alike to me.”
“ I hope you’re not referring to me as ugly,” said B.
“ You don’t smile very often, do you?” said Justtin, as an observational thing.
“ What’s smiling got to do with anything?” she wondered.
“ Smile, and the whole world smiles with you. Cry, and all you get is a tissue.”
“ Very deep,” said B. “ Did it take you long to think that up?”
“ Not really,” said Justtin. “ It’s all part of my programming. It’s one of dad’s sayings. I have it filed under really crap things to say.”
“ Not surprised,” said B, who went to join the rest of the group, to see what they were all talking about.
Details of their journeys were swapped over more cups of tea, while Bert and Fergus were in the local pub, making new friends.
“ Too much to drink please barman,” said Bert on his entrance. The barman eyed him suspiciously.
“ What did ye say?” said the huge Scotsman.
“ I was only asking for a drink,” said Bert, in his best cockney accent.
“ Well I don’t like yous. Yous talk funny.”
Bert wanted to argue about this, but couldn’t remember the words, so he stood there with his mouth opening and shutting like a goldfish, until Fergus told him to sit down.
“ Leave this to me,” said Fergus, and he spoke at length to the barman, finally returning to Bert with two pints of Heavy.
“ What did you say to him?” Bert asked.
“ Just told him you were a bit unstable, and that we wouldn’t out stay our welcome.”
“ Oh, well that’s alright then,” said Bert as he supped on his pint. The space shuttle was in full flight and going straight over Bert’s head.
“ Ooh, that’s good,” said Bert, draining his glass. Fergus enjoyed a drink, but he’d never seen anyone down a pint as quick as Bert.
“ I’ll get some more, shall I?” he asked Fergus.
“ I better do it,” said Fergus. “ Don’t want you to scare the locals.”
As Fergus went to refill the glasses, Bert looked out of the window to where the tank was taking up most of the café car park, and wondered what was going on. Not that he cared. As long as he had a pint in his hand, he was happy. Bert didn’t even know why he was there, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. He’d never been this far north, and he was determined to make the most of it. And making the most of it, usually meant drinking in every pub in the area, until he’d been barred from all of them.
So how come he’d never been barred from the Shakes I hear you ask? Bert didn’t have a clue, but he believed that the landlord at the Shakes understood him, and that other landlords weren’t so accommodating. The truth was, that the landlord at the Shakes, owed Bert a vast amount of money and he was worried that if he barred Bert from his pub, Bert would want his money back. He needn’t have worried though, because Bert had forgotten. Bert’s memory was non-existent, unless someone owed him a pint, and at this particular moment, he couldn’t remember who did.

***

Nev and Ray were taking a quick nap in the back of the van, while Penny, Zed, Barry and Aunt B discussed what they were going to do with Justtin.
“ Send him home,” said B.
“ Not an option,” said Barry, sternly.
“ Oh bum,” said B.
“ So what’s it gonna be?” asked Zed.
“ The only thing I can think of, is, he’ll have to go in the van,” said Barry.
“ They’ll be some way behind us, but Justtin can still guide us to dad. We’ll stay in touch with the walkie-talkie.”
“ You’re doing it again,” Justtin said, almost singing.
“ That’s right,” said Barry. “ We’re talking about you. But we’re not talking to you, so be quiet for a minute.”
“ Ooh, get him,” said the robot, who turned his attention to the tank, and decided it was time for a chat.
“ Hello,” said Justtin in a basic Russian dialect.
“ What do you want?”
“ Just being polite,” said Justtin.
“ S’pose you want to hear my life story,” said the tank.
“ Not really,” said Justtin.
“ Ok. So shut up and listen,” the tank said and started to tell the robot of the hard times behind enemy lines. Of how she was built in Tankograd, in eastern Russia, during the early stages of World War 2, by women whose men-folk were fighting on the Russian front, pushing toward Berlin. How the women, and their children, worked all the hours they could, for little or no pay, just to put a loaf of bread on the table.
“ Yawn,” went Justtin.
“ Am I boring you?” the tank asked.
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ Loads.”
“ Never mind,” said the tank, and went on about how she was shipped to the front, but somehow ended up on the wrong train, and was shipped out of southern Italy, only to find herself, several months later, in a dark cave, where some crazy old lady would take her out once a month, to fill her up and put some oil in the engine.
Justtin had had enough.
“ I’ve heard this bit,” he said. “ It was boring then, and it still is now.”
He headed back towards the others, as Barry came toward him.
“ You ok, Jus?” Barry asked.
“ Yeah, no problem. Just don’t ever talk to Russian tanks. They’re more boring than a large drill.”
“ I’ll remember that,” said Barry, not listening. “ Anyway, we’ve sorted out what we are doing, and we’ll be leaving soon. It’s time for you to go back in the van, I’m afraid.”
“ Anything,” said Justtin. “ Just keep me away from that…thing.”
Barry looked at the tank and scratched his head. He couldn’t see what all the fuss was about.
“ What, that old thing?” he said to Justtin. “ Seems harmless enough to me.”
“ Harmless? You pillock, Barry. It’s a bloody tank. That’s the most least harmless thing here. I think.”
Barry thought about what Justtin had said, but it didn’t make sense to him either, so he ignored it.
“ Do you want to know what we’re going to do?” Barry asked the robot.
“ Let me guess,” said Justtin.
“ You probably heard anyway.”
“ That’s right, but even when I know the answer, I still like to play guessing games.”
“ Go on then, but hurry up.”
“ I’m going in the van with the old people, while you go in the tank with the crazy woman. Am I right or what?”
“ Spot on,” said Barry.
“ Yesss!” said Justtin, as he punched the air with delight.
“ Now, can we hurry up.”
“ Right on,” said Justtin.
Aunt B was staring at Nev and Ray, snoozing in the van, when she spied the gold coins.
“ I’ve got some like that,” she said.
“ I’ve seen them,” said Zed, “ but yours are much nicer.”
“ Where did they come from?”
Zed thought quickly, not wanting to get Barry into trouble.
“ We found them last night,” he lied. “ Just before you got here.”
Aunt B thought about it for a second, but whatever she was thinking soon went out of her head.
“ Yes, you’re right,” she said. “ Mine are much nicer. Oi, you two. Wake up. It’s time to go.”
Nev and Ray slowly came to life, while Barry and Justtin went to the pub to get Fergus and Bert. Bert had only had four pints and was half way through his fifth when Barry tapped on the pub window. The landlord looked up and saw Justtin in the car park.
“ Wash thart?” he said in his thick Scottish accent.
“ That, my friend, ish a robot,” said Bert, in his own slurry way. “ Anybody would think he’d never sheen one before.”
“ Wash it for?” the landlord asked.
“ For doing robot shtuff,” said Bert.
“ Come on,” said Fergus. “ It’s time to go. Say bye-bye Bert.”
“ Bye-bye Bert,” said Bert as he was dragged out of the pub. “ Bloody nice people. They didn’t throw me out.”
They got into the back of the van, and Bert instantly fell asleep. Fergus moved Bert over to one side so that Justtin could get in. The rear doors closed and they were ready to leave.
“ All aboard,” called Aunt B, and the kids scrambled onto the tank. With Penny at the controls, the tank moved towards the road.
“ Which way?” she asked Barry.
“ I don’t know,” Barry replied.
Fergus called out of the van window and pointed north, and on his instruction, the van, followed by the tank, hit the road.

***

Justin was scanning for dad’s signal, but so far he hadn’t found anything.
“ I didn’t think it would take this long,” said Barry, as he sat huddled in a corner of the tank.
“ How far are we from the crash site?” he asked Justtin on the walkie-talkie.
“ According to my information, the site is just over one hundred and twenty miles from here. If, as you suspect, your dad used the ejector seat, and allowing for wind speed and direction, we should be getting a signal any time now.”
“ So how long will it take us to get there?” Barry asked.
“ By road, about four hours. If you take the tank across country, then you’re talking about three hours,” said Justtin.
“ As long as that?”
“ Afraid so,” said Justtin. “ But look on the bright side,”
“ Is there a bright side?” Barry interrupted.
“ Yes,” said Justtin, “ the scenery is fantastic.”
“ Oh,” groaned Barry. Justtin was absolutely right, but Barry couldn’t have cared less about the scenery, or anything else for that matter. He just wanted to find his dad.
Fergus was studying the map with the robot, and Justtin pointed to a spot on the page where he believed the plane had come down.
“ The tank will have to cut across from there,” Justtin said pointing to another spot on the map, where a small road crossed a river, about fifty miles further ahead.
“ You better tell them then,” said Fergus.
Justtin spoke to Penny, who had a walkie-talkie sellotaped to the side of her head. The robot gave her directions and told her that he would let her know when it was time to leave the road.
“ It may be sooner than you think,” she said. “ This road is getting skinny.”
“ Skinny?” Barry repeated.
“ I think she means thinner,” said Zed.
“ That’s it,” said Penny. “ Thinner, yes.”
Barry stuck his head out of the turret and had a look around.
“ If we have to, we could use the fields on our left,” he said.
“ Yes, yes,” said Aunt B. “ Turn left now.”
Penny did as she was told, and drove straight through somebody’s garden fence. As the tank demolished the beautiful front lawn, two ponies that had been happily grazing in the garden had now bolted and were heading down the road, from where the tank had come. Knocking down, and crushing a few garden ornaments, the tank lumbered forwards, sending ducks and geese flying, as it crashed though a small pond.
“ Now we’re for it,” said Barry, forever worried.
“ Well, it’s gonna take ‘em ages to make a complaint,” said Zed.
“ Why?” asked Barry.
“ Coz we’ve just cut their phone line,” said Zed.
“ Oh great,” said Barry. “ Something else to worry about.”
“ Why?” said Zed. “ You don’t pay the bill. S E P.”
“ S E P?” said Barry, a little baffled.
“ Yes, S E P,” said Zed. “ Somebody else’s problem.”
“ He he,” Barry laughed. “ I’ll remember that.”
For the next half an hour, the tank rumbled through the countryside, scaring the daylights out of the wildlife. The boys had never seen deer before, and even now they could only see the backs of them, as the huge beasts ran away.
Justtin asked Penny to stop, so he could talk to Barry.
“ Got it,” said the robot, out of the blue.
“ Got what?” asked Barry.
“ What you’ve been waiting for,” said Justtin. “ It’s your dad’s signal. It’s very faint, but it’s definitely him.”
“ At last,” said Barry, showing his obvious excitement. “ How far?”
“ Just over a hundred miles, that way,” said Justtin, pointing further north.
“ But that’s not all. I’ve got a second signal. Your mum is close to your dad.”
“ How did she know where to look?” asked Barry. Everyone was listening to what was being said, but nobody had an answer.
“ They’re about two miles apart,” said Justtin, “ and your dad is on the move.”
“ Toward my mum, or the other way?” Barry wanted to know.
“ Difficult to tell from this distance,” said Justtin. “ But if I was your dad, I’d keep moving.”
“ Why did you say that?” Barry asked, not understanding.
“ Your mum is carrying a child, and I got the feeling when I met her, that she is not too pleased.”
Barry went very quiet. Mum? Baby? Barry didn’t get it. Was this supposed to happen? Why didn’t Justtin say something before?
“ Cause for celebration,” said Bert, opening a warm can of beer he’d found in the van.
“ Congratulation’s” said Nev and Ray.
“ Cheers,” said Fergus, joining Bert.
“ Wow,” said Penny. “ This is great.”
“ Nice one,” said Zed, patting Barry on the back.
“ Why are you congratulating me?” said Barry. “ I didn’t do anything.”
“ I hope it’s better looking than you,” said Aunt B, meaning well, but always managing to say something the wrong way.
Barry didn’t even notice. He was far too busy with his thoughts.
“ Why didn’t you tell me before?” he asked Justtin.
“ It’s an old cliché, but you didn’t ask,” said Justtin. “ Besides, it not up to me. Your mum had plenty of opportunity to tell you herself, and chose not to.”
“ Maybe she forgot,” said B.
“ Not something this important,” said Barry. “ She wouldn’t keep this a secret. It’s too big.”
“ She has her reason’s,” said Justtin. “ You’ll have to ask her when we see her.”
Barry thought about that, while the others climbed back aboard the vehicles.
“ I have one other question,” the boy said.
“ It’s a boy,” said Justtin, guessing correctly.
“ Wow,” said Barry. “ A baby brother. I wonder what they’ll call him?”
“ As long as it’s not Colin,” said B. “ I can’t stand that name. Brings back too much pain.”
But no one was listening, as the van doors closed and the tank roared back to life.
“ Follow that signal,” said Justtin.

***

The signal was getting stronger as they neared the crash site, but Justtin was having a problem getting a good fix on it.
“ This is not right,” he said, almost to himself, but Ray was listening.
“ Do you have a problem?” he asked the tin man.
“ Dad’s signal is not doing what it’s supposed to. It stops for long periods, then moves about in a small square. No more than twenty square feet. I’m not sure what to make of it.”
“ Ok,” said Ray. “ Let’s not say anything to Barry for now. I think he’s got enough to worry about.”
“ Fair enough,” said Justtin.
“ Just keep track of it, and we’ll see what happens when we get there.”
“ I’m not sure we will,” said Justtin. “ The tank is going to have to go it alone soon. The road ahead is not easy going for this van.”
“ Will the kids be alright on their own?” asked Ray.
“ I would like to think so. I can guide them to where the signal is coming from, but I’ve no idea what they will find when they get there.”
“ Where’s Barry’s mum?” asked Ray.
“ She’s a couple of miles away from the site. She’s not moving, so I can only assume she’s sitting in her car.”
“ Well, if she can get that close by car, why don’t we go there?” asked Fergus.
“ Sounds good to me,” said Justtin. “ I’ll tell the other’s.”
It didn’t matter where Barry sat, he was always banging his head on something, as the tank bounced up and down in the fields. The monotony was broken, briefly, by Justtin’s voice coming over the walkie-talkie.
“ Hi, it’s me,” he said.
“ Is it?” said B. “ How nice for you.”
Barry was getting a little tired of the war of words between Justtin and his Aunt. He snatched the walkie-talkie from B and glared at her.
“ Can you just leave it?” he asked.
“ I doubt it,” said B. “ He said I’ve got a big bum.”
“ That was ages ago,” said Barry.
“ That’s right,” said B. “ An elephant never forgets.”
“ Elephants have got big arses too,” said Justtin.
The tank filled with laughter at Aunt B’s expense.
“ I’ll get the bugger for that,” she said.
“ What’s up, Jus?” asked Barry.
“ Clouds,” said Justtin, trying to maintain his funny streak. The only person who laughed was B, and that wasn’t the effect that Justtin was looking for.
“ It wasn’t that funny, fatso,” said Justtin.
“ That’s right, dustbin head,” replied B.
“ Will you both shut up,” yelled Barry, trying to get some kind of order, but just like everything else he tried, he wasn’t doing very well.
“ You’re supposed to be in charge,” he said to Zed. “ Can’t you do anything?”
“ Your robot, and your Aunt. That makes it your problem.”
“ That’s a great help,” said Barry. “ What did you want, Jus? Apart from verbally abusing Aunt B.”
“ You’re going to have to go it alone soon. The van can’t get much closer to the crash site, so we are going to drive down a small lane to where your mum is parked. You can take the tank all the way to the site, if you take a left in about a hundred yards time. I will guide you from there.”
“ Ok,” said Barry, as he passed on the instructions to Penny.

***

It had been almost a week since the Harrier had crashed, and the Ministry had done their best to clear away the debris, but there were still tell-tale signs. The huge Harrier shaped hole in the ground was a dead give away. It looked like a giant hot dog had been dropped from a huge height, with the bun, but without ketchup. Add your own onions.
The surrounding area was mostly rolling hills and fields, with a few trees scattered here and there. The different shades of green waved in the light breeze of early autumn, and the weather became colder, as the evening sun began to set.
Penny drove the tank to where Justtin had said the site would be, and had no problem finding somewhere to park. As the tank rolled to a stop, the kids jumped down, glad to be on solid ground again.
“ What now?” Zed asked Barry.
“ I guess we get Justtin to guide us to dad,” said Barry.
“ It’s getting dark,” said Penny. “ Can’t we leave it till the morning?”
“ What, after coming this far?” said Barry. “ You can stay here if you want, but I’m going to find my dad. You coming?” he asked Zed.
“ Yep,” said Zed. “ That’s what friends are for.”
“ I’ll stay here with the lass,” said B. “ My old legs are not up to it.”
“ Fair do’s,” said Barry. He spoke into the walkie-talkie.
“ Which way are we going Jus?”
“ Up the hill in front of you,” said Justtin. “ The signal is coming from up there.”
Zed looked up the hill, and wondered what he was getting himself into. Barry, on the other hand, was full of courage, zest, spirit, bravery, grit, guts, pluck and all the others you can find in a thesaurus. It was time to find his old man, and Barry was up for the challenge.
“ Bugger that,” he said. “ We’ll start in the morning.”
“ Cool,” said Zed.
As the night crept in, they all huddled together in the tank and tried to get some sleep.
All except Zed.
He was trying to send Barry subliminal messages.
‘ Let’s go home. Let’s leave this place and go home. He’s not here anyway. Let’s go home,’
“ Go to sleep Zed,” said Barry. “ It’s going to be a long day tomorrow.”
“ You heard my thoughts?” asked Zed, flabbergasted.
“ No,” said Barry. “ You’re playing with yourself, and it’s bloody irritating.”
“ Oh,” said Zed, who went a fantastic shade of red and eventually, got himself as comfortable as he could, then promptly fell asleep, exhausted.
Aunt B had removed her boots to stretch her toes, all five of them, and, of course, Barry, being the only one awake, had two new problems to deal with.
Firstly, the horrendous stench that filled the confined space they were in.
Secondly, by removing her boots, she had, unknowingly, armed the leg launcher, and this was keeping Barry awake. If she banged her knee on something, they would all be organ donors, and that was only if the rescue services could get to them quick enough. He tried his best to get out of the tank, but Zed was lying on his legs, so that was out of the question. He tried farting, but that didn’t help either. It managed to move Zed, just enough to move one of his legs, but that was the only effect that the fart had.
The only thing he thought he could try and do, was attempt to get her boot back on. But the closer he got to the offending foot, the worse the smell got, and with Zed pinning him down, Barry was grateful that he couldn’t get any closer.
After a lot of struggling, Barry managed to get the welly over the end of Aunt B’s rocket launcher/make shift leg, and with the help of his free foot, he pushed the boot on, and broke the connection.
He lay there as exhausted as Zed was moments before, with sweat burning into his eyes. He closed his eyes against the pain, and within minutes, Barry fell asleep.

***

Two miles away, Nev parked the van next to mum’s car, and looking through the window, he noticed she was asleep on the back seat. Well, she had been asleep, but the sound of the vans worn out engine had filtered through her dream, so she sat up and looked out of her slightly steamed up window.
Fergus was peering in at the same time, which made mum jump.
“ Jaysus, they’re huge,” he said, staring at mum’s breasts.
“ Told you didn’t I,” said Justtin.
“ Do you mind?” said mum, getting out of the car. She wasn’t too happy with a seven-foot robot and an old Irishman, discussing her enormous tits.
“ And you can pack it in as well,” she told the author.
“ Sorry,” I said.
“ What’s going on?” she wanted to know.
“ We came up with the kids, and found you,” said Fergus.
“ So where are they?” she asked.
“ On the other side of that hill. We’ve traced his signal to here,” said Justtin.
“ To where?” said mum, looking around for dad, and not seeing him.
Justtin pointed up the hill with a large metal arm.
“ He’s up there somewhere,” said the robot. “ I can get a fix on him, up to a few feet, but then it’s up to the kids.”
Everyone looked up the hill in front of them, except Fergus. He was too busy, still staring at mum’s breasts.
“ It’s huge,” said mum.
“ Just what I was thinking,” said Fergus.
“ So who’s going up there?” mum asked.
“ Barry and Zed,” replied Justtin.
“ On their own?” said mum in a concerned voice.
“ Barry is a very determined young man.”
“ Just like his dad,” said mum. “ So, these badges really work?”
“ That’s how we found you,” said Justtin.
Mum wasn’t convinced that the boys should go on their own.
“ Can we get to the children?” she asked.
“ By foot? Yes, you only have to follow the base of the hill. The tank is two miles that way. Unfortunately, I must stay here.”
“ Why?” she asked the robot.
“ The terrain is too rough for my tracks,” said Justtin. “ And there’s a small stream to cross. Wouldn’t do my circuits much good.”
“ I thought you were meant to protect at all costs?” said mum.
“ And that’s exactly what I have done, up till now, “ said Justtin. “ But I don’t think he has anything to worry about.”
“ There could be sabre tooth badgers up there,” said Fergus.
“ Or bats,” said Nev.
“ They wouldn’t come out during the day,” said Ray. “ They’re nocturminal.”
“ Nocturnal,” corrected Justtin. “ He’ll be ok. And if they do have a problem, they will still be in contact via the walkie-talkie.”
“ I’m going to make my way to the tank,” said mum. “ Anyone else?”
“ I’ll go,” said Fergus, who hoped to stare at mum’s boobs for a bit longer.
“ And me,” said Nev, thinking the same thing.
“ I have a question,” said Justin to mum. “ Why did you come here?”
“ This is where the Ministry found the ejector seat,” she answered.
“ That’s very impressive,” said Nev.
Fergus looked at Nev, but decided not to add anything.
“ Just as I thought,” said Justtin. “ It must have been blown here by the wind. But why is the signal coming from up there.”
“ I guess we’ll find out tomorrow,” said mum.
She went to the back of her car and opened the boot, and pulled out a gun harness. Mum strapped it on over her shoulders, which separated her breasts, almost the same way a seatbelt does.
Fergus was watching her, and seeing this made his eyes bulge. Look at the size of those, he thought.
She checked the gun to see if it was loaded, then picked up a small torch, which she switched on and off. That works, she thought. She also took out a small walkie-talkie and spoke to it.
“ Justtin, can you here this?”
“ Of course,” said Justtin.
“ Good,” mum replied. “ I’m joining the kids. I’ll be as quick as I can. Just keep scanning the area. I need a pinpoint area for dad. Let me know when you have something.”
“ I’ll do what I can,” said Justtin.
Harriet rummaged around in the boot of her car and once she had everything she needed, she spoke.
“ Right, so who’s ready to go?”
Nev and Fergus nodded eagerly, to say they were ready, and having said goodbye to the others, mum, Nev and Fergus started their trek towards the tank, as the night sky settled in.
Bert looked at the giant robot and only had one thing on his mind.
“ Is there a pub close by?”
Justtin scanned the area and came up with a target.
“ Go back to the road and turn left. It’s about three miles.”
“ Well, we could take the van,” said Bert, hopefully.
“ No,” said Justtin. “ I need to use the van for shelter. I don’t want my circuits to rust. Also I must remain here, in case there’s a problem.”
“ Well, what about the car?” asked Ray.
Bert tried the handle and the door swung open. He crawled around inside the car, looking under the seats and in the glove compartment.
“ No keys,” he said.
Justtin turned his attention to the car, and it suddenly sparked into life.
“ One of these days, you’re gonna have to show me how you do that,” said a very impressed Bert.
“ Mind over matter,” said Justtin.
“ Really?” said Bert.
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ I didn’t mind, and you certainly don’t matter.”
With Ray and Bert on their way to the pub, Justtin decided to switch himself to standby mode, which would allow him to recharge his batteries, but also be alert enough to here a voice, if it came.

***

“ Too much to drink please, barman,” said Bert for an opener.
“ Eh?” said the barman, giving Bert a strange look.
“ Do you always say that?” asked Ray.
“ What else is there?” said Bert.
The barman looked at both of them, and didn’t understand a word they had said. Ray pointed to a beer tap and held up two fingers. The barman understood that, and made himself busy.
“ They seem to have a problem understanding us, up here,” said Ray.
“ I always thought that ‘too much to drink please’ was universal,” said Bert.
“ I may have to come up with something else.”
“ I have a question for you,” said Ray, out of the blue.
“ Go on then,” said Bert.
“ Are you ready?” said Ray. Bert nodded.
“ Ok,” said Ray. “ What would you rather have, Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?”
Bert gave this some thought, but to Bert there was only one logical answer.
“ It’s quite easy when you think about it.”
“ So, which would it be?” asked Ray.
“ Personally,” said Bert, “ it would have to be Parkinson’s. It’s better to spill some of your beer than forget where you left it.”
“ That’s exactly what I said,” said Ray.
They were given their drinks, and Ray paid for them. The pub was almost empty, but for a small group of men sitting by an open log fire. Bert and Ray nodded to the men as they made their way to a seat near the window. After a quick discussion, one of the men went over to Bert and Ray.
“ You’re not from around these parts, are you?” said the man in a southern accent.
“ And neither are you,” Ray guessed correctly. “ My name’s Ray, and this is Bert.”
“ Good evening to you both. I’m Jacobs. That’s Stevens and Bain’s,” said Jacobs pointing to the Ministry men. “ What are you doing in these parts?”
“ We’re here to help…”
Ray stopped Bert.
“ Just travelling,” said Ray. “ Minding our own business.”
“ Sorry if you’ve got the wrong impression,” said Jacobs. “ It’s just that we are investigating a plane crash in this area, and wondered if you knew anything that might help.”
Bert looked at Ray, but Ray was trying to not give anything away.
“ What, the jump jet?” he said, and instantly kicked himself.
“ The very same,” said Jacobs. “ What do you know?”
“ It crashed,” said Bert.
“ How do you know it crashed?” asked Jacobs.
“ Coz you told us,” said Bert.
“ No I didn’t. I said we were investigating one,” said Jacobs.
“ It was probably Barry then,” said Ray, again kicking himself.
“ Who? Barry Trotter? He’s here?”
Jacobs looked at Stevens and Bain’s, who both got up to join them.
“ Yes, Barry’s here. Look, what is all this about?” asked Ray.
“ Yes, I’m trying to enjoy my beer,” said Bert.
“ Let me explain,” said Jacobs. “ We’re from MI3. Barry’s mum and dad both work with us. We’re up here looking for Barry’s dad, but so far we haven’t had much luck.”
“ You as well?” said Bert. “ That’s why we’re here.”
“ That’s right,” said Ray.
Almost as a celebration, Bert went and got another round in, using sign language, while Ray did his best to bring the agent’s up to date.
“ So Justtin is here as well?” Jacobs asked. “ Well that should speed things up a bit. I sometimes wish that dad had had the time to share his technology with the Ministry. We would have found him by now.”
Bert returned from the bar with a tray full of small glasses full of Scotch, Vodka, Brandy, Gin and anything else that comes in an optic.
“ What’s this?” asked Ray, as the agents looked bemused.
“ I dunno what you did,” said Bert, “ but I couldn’t get the bloke to understand me, so I just pointed. It was easier.”
“ Fair enough,” said Ray, and they all drank into the wee small hours.

***

Mum, Nev and Fergus trudged through the countryside at the base of the hill. Luckily, the ground was firm, due to the dry spell that the entire country had recently had.
They’d had to cross a small stream, as Justtin had said, but the only real problem that they had encountered, was the fact that the two old boys were struggling to keep up with a very determined mum.
She got fed up with waiting for them in the end, and eventually went ahead on her own.
This presented Nev and Fergus with a small problem. They didn’t have a torch, and they could only just make out the small beam of light from mum’s torch, in front of them. They followed the direction of the light for as long as they could, but it wasn’t long before their tired eyes could no longer see where they were going.
“ I thought it was only a couple of miles,” said Nev.
“ I was thinking the same thing,” said Fergus.
“ Bloody liar,” said Nev. “ The only thing you were thinking about were those tits.”
“ Can’t deny it mate,” said Fergus. “ Fantastic aren’t they.”
“ That’s as maybe,” said Nev, “ but we’re here to help the kids. And you can help by taking your mind off the lady’s boobs.”
“ Consider it done,” Fergus lied. “ So what are we going to do now?”
“ Well, the light disappeared that way, so we will just have to go in that direction and hope we don’t walk straight past the tank.”
“ Sounds good to me,” said Fergus. “ But you can go in front.”
“ Why?” said Nev.
“ Because if we do find the tank, I want you to walk into it before me.”
“ Nice,” said Nev.
They headed to where they had last seen the light and hoped for the best. With Nev walking in front with his hands outstretched, and Fergus directly behind him with his hands on Nev’s shoulders, the two of them stumbled towards the tank.
Meanwhile mum was pushing on, and with a sweep of her torch, she made out the shape of the tank.
“ At last,” she said to herself, and reaching the side, she stopped to catch her breath.
She propped her torch on the top of the tank’s body, and sat down beside it.
“ There,” said Fergus, pointing forward to where the light suddenly appeared.
“ Where?” said Nev, sharply turning his head, and banging his head on Fergus’s arm, breaking his nose.
“ Ow. Bollocksp,” yelled Nev. “ Thab hurtsp.”
“ Shhh,” said Fergus. “ You’ll wake up the badgers.”
“ Badgersp are docturbal,” said Nev.
“ See, you’ve woken them already,” said Fergus.
With Nev holding his nose, and Fergus holding Nev, the pair made their way toward the light.
On reaching the tank, they both sat down next to mum. Nev was still holding his nose, and blood was dripping through his fingers, onto his lap. Mum gave him a tissue and told him to tip his head back, and pinch the top of his nose. Nev did as he was told, without an argument.
“ Ta,” was the best that he could manage without sounding like an animal.
They all sat quietly, with their own thoughts, and waited for dawn. She never turned up, but it did start to get light, so that was good enough.
Barry was the first to stir, and after freeing himself from the tangled mess inside the tank, he stood up and pushed up the hatch.
“ Hello sleepy head,” said mum, as she appeared in the daylight.
“ Holy shit!” said Barry, as he fell backward and landed bum first on Zed’s head.
“ I wish people would stop doing that to me,” said Barry, clutching his chest.
“ You wish,” said Zed rubbing his head.
“ Where did you come from?” Barry asked his mum, as he climbed out of the tank and jumped off the side, only to lose his footing and fall sideways. He put his hands out to cushion his fall, only to find Nev’s face in the way.
Crack! went Nev’s nose again.
“ Thanks,” said Nev. “ That’s straightened it.”
Barry looked at his mum and waited for an answer.
“ Over there,” she said pointing to the other side of the hill.
One by one, the others slowly emerged from the tank, and went off in different directions, to find somewhere private to relieve themselves.
One by one, they slowly returned to the tank, to find Nev and Fergus sitting by a small fire, and cooking a breakfast of eggs and bacon, and also a large pot of coffee was boiling nicely.
Barry wasn’t in the mood for eating. He just wanted to get started, so he asked Zed if he was ready, but Zed made it clear that he was eating with the others, and suggested that Barry do the same. Reluctantly, Barry agreed, and sat down to eat eight rashes of bacon and six fried eggs, eight slices of bread and two pints of coffee.
“ Easy tiger,” said Fergus. “ This stuff will put hairs on your chest.”
Barry looked down the front of his shirt, but nothing seemed out the ordinary, so he jumped up and urged Zed to get to his feet.
“ Where do you think you’re going?” mum asked.
“ That way,” said Barry, looking at the hill.
“ Not without me you’re not,” said mum.
Barry felt a sense of relief. It wasn’t what he was expecting, but he was glad to have the company. The extra help was always welcome, and he couldn’t think of anyone else he’d rather have along.
“ Cool,” said Barry. He picked up a walkie-talkie and switched it on.
“ Wakey-wakey Justtin,” he said.
“ Wash up?” said Justtin.
Barry didn’t know what to make of it. He looked at his mum for some sort guidance, but all she did was raise her hand to her mouth, in a gesture that suggested that Justtin had been drinking.
Barry knew this wasn’t possible, and that made it all the more difficult to understand. Barry wasn’t sure how to approach the subject, but gave it a go anyway.
“ Justtin, are you ok?”
“ Can you hear the noise in this van?” Justtin replied.
Barry listened as hard as he could, and through the speaker, he could make out the sound of very loud snoring.
“ This is what I’ve had to put up with for four hours,” said Justtin. “ The smell in this van is worse than B’s foot. The alcohol fumes are enough to start a car, and I think they’re affecting my speech circuit. Hang on, I’ll get out.”
Justtin opened the rear doors, lowered the ramp and slowly made his way out of the van.
“ Where did they go?” asked Barry, intrigued.
“ To a local pub,” said Justtin beginning to sound a bit clearer.
“ How did they get there?” asked mum.
“ Er, yeah. Sorry about that,” said Justtin. “ Your car isn’t very well.”
“ What do you mean?” mum asked.
“ The last time it was seen, it was upside down, and heading down the river toward the sea.”
“ Is that going to cause a problem?” Barry asked his mum.
“ Not if you like walking,” said mum in her unimpressed manner.
“ There’s one other thing,” said Justtin.
Mum wondered what else could possibly top that, and wasn’t that disappointed when she found out what it was.
“ Jacobs, Stevens and Bain’s are in the area, and probably on their way to you.”
“ Can’t you tell?” asked Barry.
“ Not at the moment,” said Justtin. “ My head is not the clearest it’s ever been.”
“ Can you still read dad’s signal?” Barry asked with concern.
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ It’s still up that hill.”
Barry gave out a huge sigh of relief, and looked at his mum, then Zed.
“ Shall we go then,” he asked them.
“ Let’s get it over with,” said mum.
“ Let’s rock,” said Zed.
Aunt B and Penny made themselves comfortable and watched as Barry, Zed and mum started on their long journey up the hill. Fergus and Nev had fallen asleep and didn’t even know the boys had left.
Justtin was making the most of the fresh morning air, while listening to Barry on the walkie-talkie. He was whizzing backwards and forwards on the road just behind the van, when he stopped and said,
“ Ah, there you are,” as he spun round, and found Jacobs, Stevens and Bain’s, staring at him.
“ If you want to know what’s going on,” he continued, “ mum and the boys are on their way up the hill.”
“ Why?” said Jacobs quietly, who was holding his head and looking worse for wear.
“ They’ve gone after dad,” said Justtin. “ That’s where the signal is coming from.”
Jacobs took a look at the hill, then quickly looked at his two agents.
“ Come on you two,” he said. “ We’ve got a hill to climb.”
“ You’re bloody joking,” said Bain’s. “ I haven’t finished throwing up yet.”
“ You should learn to hold your drink,” said Stevens, struggling to keep the contents of his own stomach in.
“ Pair of wankers,” said Jacobs, as he led the way to the foot of the hill.
“ What strange behaviour,” said Justtin, who went back to practising his wheelies.

***

Barry was convinced he’d left his childhood behind, as he climbed the hill, because after all that he’d been through, he was sure he was a lot older. Zed felt the same, but didn’t say anything.
Barry had something on his mind, and having found this new bravado, decided to ask.
“ What are you going to call him?” he asked mum.
“ What?” replied mum, a little stunned, but knowing exactly what Barry was talking about.
“ The new baby,” said Barry. “ What are you going to call him?”
“ Justtin told you, didn’t he,” she guessed correctly. “ Well, I’ve not really thought about it.”
“ Justtin also told me you weren’t happy about it,” said Barry.
“ It’s not that,” said mum, genuinely. “ It just wasn’t part of my plan. I’m more angry with myself. Should have taken more care.”
“ I think it’s great,” said Barry.
“ Really?” said mum, suddenly cheering up.
“ Yeah,” said Barry. “ It will be nice to have somebody else around.”
Mum had never thought of it before. Perhaps Barry shouldn’t have been an only child. It hadn’t been part of her plan, but then sometimes these things happen for the best.
“ I suppose you’re right,” she said. “ So, do you have any suggestions for a name.”
“ Not really,” said Barry. “ As long as it’s not something stupid. You can never be too careful.”
Mrs. Harriet Trotter, known as Harry for short, didn’t have a clue what Barry was talking about.
The higher they climbed, the closer they got to where Justtin had told them the signal was coming from. But as hard as they looked, there was still no sign of dad.
After more than an hour of climbing the steep slope, they all decided it was time to rest. As Barry sat down, he looked out from the hill, at the incredible view in front of him. This must be just like living in paradise, he thought. Although it’s probably a right bastard in the winter, his thoughts added.
Zed attracted his attention, by nudging him. Barry turned to Zed to find out what his problem was, only to follow the direction that Zed was pointing. A hundred yards below them, they could see Agent Jacobs heading towards them, with Stevens and Bain’s in close attendance. Bain’s was still having trouble keeping his stomach to himself, and had left an easy trail to follow down, if it was necessary.
“ Morning all,” said Jacobs, when he finally caught up with mum and the boys.
“ What are you doing here?” mum asked.
“ Same as you,” said Jacobs. “ Only we didn’t get this close. Justtin really is a remarkable machine.”
“ He has his moments,” said Barry. “ Why didn’t you think of searching up here?”
“ Because we found the ejector seat down there,” said Jacobs. “ And the parachute was found in a tree over there.”
He pointed to a small cluster of trees, near the tank. Barry hadn’t even seen them before. Not that it mattered now. Dad was up on this hill somewhere, and that’s where the boys were concentrating their search.
“ Oh well,” said Barry. “ The more the merrier.”
Something moved to Barry’s right, and Jacob’s was very quick to draw his pistol.
“ Stop,” said Barry. Jacobs stopped.
Everybody looked to where Barry had seen a small object moving in the grass.
“ That’s your signal,” Justtin said over the walkie-talkie.
“ Don’t be daft,” said Barry, wishing the robot was right. “ It’s a red squirrel. Justtin, are you sure about this? There’s nothing else up here, just the red squirrel.”
Barry looked at the squirrel, and just for a second, the squirrel looked back at him. In that second, something seemed vaguely familiar, but Barry couldn’t put his finger on it.
“ Dad?” he said to he squirrel, but the squirrel didn’t answer.
“ He must be there,” said Justtin. “ There is nothing else. Try putting your walkie-talkie near it.”
“ What good will that do?” said Barry, now beginning to get upset.
“ I will be able to tell you for sure if that is where the signal is coming from,” said Justtin. “ I’m sorry, but it’s the only way.”
Barry did as he was told, and extended his walkie-talkie toward the squirrel. Although the squirrel backed away slightly, it did no more.
Everybody held their breath, as the squirrel stared at the radio. It was trying to sniff it, from a distance, but flew backwards, as Justtin’s voice broke the silence.
“ Sorry to say it, Barry my boy, but that is definitely your dad.”
Mum gasped. Zed just stared in disbelief, and the agents bowed their heads, as a sign of respect.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ No, sorry. That didn’t come out right,” said Justtin. “ What I meant to say is, that is definitely where your dad’s signal is coming from.”
“ The squirrel must have swallowed the transmitter,” said Jacobs.
Barry understood how it all worked, but it still didn’t make any sense.
“ What?” he said.
“ Oh for fucks sake,” said Justtin. “ It’s very simple, so don’t start with the ‘what’s’, ok?”
“ What?” said Barry.
“ Zed?” said Justtin.
“ Yes?” replied Zed.
“ Back of the head please,” said Justtin.
Zed duly obliged.
“ What was that for?” said Barry, rubbing his head, and not for the first time.
“ Barry,” said Zed, pointing at the little red squirrel. “ I think your dad wants to say hello.”
This was too much for mum, so she passed out.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ We’ll have to take him home,” said Zed.
“ I didn’t see that coming,” said Jacobs.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ There goes the paint job,” said Justtin.