Justtin

Chapter five

Justtin and Pug.

Justtin had the hump.
Barry had just pulled the robot off of the vacuum cleaner for the fourth time that day.
“ Leave it out Jus,” said an angry Barry. “ You’ve already buggered up the microwave. Why can’t you find something to occupy your mind?”
“ Like what?” asked Justtin.
“ I dunno,” said Barry. “ What happened to dad’s signal.”
“ It disappeared as quick as I got it,” said Justtin. “ It has to be on longer if I’m going to get a fix on it’s position.”
“ Are you sure it was him?” Barry asked.
“ Almost definite,” said Justtin.
“ Almost?”
“ Yes, about 95%.”
“ So, there is a 5% chance is wasn’t him,” said Barry.
“ Of course, but then your dad built me, and there was something that told me it was definitely him. I dunno. Maybe it was the basic transmission, or the parts being used or something. You know, new technology in old hands. All I know is, it was all very familiar. Like we’d been there before.”
“ Yeah, I suppose it must have been a bit odd for you,” said Barry. “ I mean, it’s been twenty five years, and I quite got used to the idea that the squirrel was my dad. It’s funny how he’s disappeared. I wonder where he got to.”
“ No idea,” said Justtin. “ He just left. I can’t even find a trace of his nut stash.”
“ And what happened to his transmitter?” asked Barry.
“ The power died ages ago,” said Justtin. “ And once we were all back together again, as such, well I just lost interest. And now I’m bored. Can I fix the microwave?”
“ Absolutely not,” said Barry, sternly.
“ Well, what can I do then?” Justtin asked, offering his services.
“ I dunno,” said Barry. “ Why don’t you tidy up or something?”
“ Can I use the vacuum?”
“ Er, no. Look, why don’t you take Pug for a walk? He looks like he could do with it.”
Justtin turned on his robotic legs and stared at the dog.
“ Ok Pug, old fella. Where do you want to go?” he asked the dog, not expecting an answer.
“ The park would be nice,” thought Pug. “ All those lovely trees.”
“ Is it far?” Justtin thought back.
“ Blimey, you can hear me,” said Pug without a flinch, being the cool, laid back dog that he was.
“ Yeah,” said Justtin, “ but only in my head.”
“ Cool,” said Pug. “ Does he know?”
Pug gestured toward his lord and master.
“ Not a thing,” said Justtin.
“ Good,” said Pug. “ I can have a lot more fun that way.”
“ If you insist,” said Justtin.
“ I do. So how long has this been happening?” the dog asked.
“ About five minutes,” said Justtin. “ I suddenly heard you say you had an itchy arse, and that was it. But I didn’t know I could answer you until just now. It was very sudden. Must have been when I was trying to hump the vacuum cleaner.”
“ Well as long as you remember I’m a dog and not a machine, we’ll get on just fine.”
“ No problem,” said Justtin. “ Shall we go.”
“ Okey doke,” said Pug. As an after thought he added, “ Can you hear everyone’s thoughts?”
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ Even when I don’t want to.”
“ I was just wondering…” Pug started to say, but Justtin intervened.
“ You were just wondering if the vacuum cleaner gives out thoughts?”
“ And?”
“ If you really must know, yes it does,” said the robot. “ And right now it’s telling me to piss off.”
And that’s exactly what he did, taking Pug with him.

***

Dad settled down to another night in the open. He had sellotaped some old carrier bags together to make a quilt, and he pulled this over his old body. He fell asleep in no time at all, as he’d had a busy day.
Travelling, mostly.
Sticking to the safety of trees and fields, he’d covered almost thirty miles. Not bad for a bloke in his sixties.
He knew he was travelling south, because the sun came up on his left, and went down on his right. And it had been a long time since anything had gone down on dad, boom boom.
The journey so far had been a quiet one. He’d not seen a soul for hours, and that suited him.
Still avoiding roads and towns, he’d moved swiftly through the fields and rarely stopped, unless it was to take a drink from a stream. His hunger was combated by eating grass and the occasional berry, but they were few and far between. He had managed to find an orchard, but most of the apples were maggot-ridden.
He made the most of what he could, but in the back of his mind, all he really wanted was a nice roast dinner, with all the trimmings. Followed by desert, and a pint, or twelve.
He still scavenged in bins, but never found much to shout about.
Dad was losing weight, and his clothes were beginning to hang off him. He had taken on the appearance of a scarecrow, and thought he might be able to make use of it.
If he could find a scarecrow, he might be able to get a change of clothes, so he made that his new priority.
And sure enough, within an hour of his journey, he stumbled on a well-dressed scarecrow, and swapped clothes with it. Well, not quite swapped. He took the new clothes, and left his old ones on the floor, next to the naked scarecrow.
The clothes were the only things holding the scarecrow together, and once removed, the scarecrow collapsed to the ground in a heap.
It must have looked strange to the farmer, when shortly after, he spotted his scarecrow running into the trees on the other side of his field.
“ Well I’ll be blowed,” said the farmer. “ There’s something you don’t see every day. Maude, get the gun. The scarecrow’s making a dash for it.”
As I said, Dad had had a busy day.

***

The park was only a short distance from Barry’s flat, but with Pug’s short legs, Justtin felt he’d been out for hours. In fact, only two minutes had passed.
“ Not another stop,” said Justtin.
“ Ah, you’ll like this one,” said Pug. “ This one’s important.”
“ You’ll have to do a lot better to impress me,” said Justtin.
“ No, no, trust me,” said Pug.
“ Must I,” said Justtin.
“ For your sake, I would say that was a big fat yes,” said Pug.
“ Why? What’s going on?” Justtin wanted to know.
“ From here, my big metal friend, we change direction.”
“ Why?” asked Justtin.
“ To avoid the stairs,” said a smug Pug.
“ Ah, yes. Stairs,” said the robot, before he got to a panicky state. “ Bane of my life. Worst invention ever. Yes yes, must avoid the stairs. Good thinking that dog.”
“ I knew that,” said the dog with a smirk.
“ What’s so funny,” asked Justtin.
“ Well, think about it,” said the dog. “ Dr. Who’s fight against the Dalek’s would have been so much easier, if there had been more stairs about.”
“ Oh great,” said Justtin. “ A dog with a sick sense of humour. Stairs are not funny if you’re a robot. Imagine your life with no trees.”
Pug tried this, then said, “ As long as there’s dustbin’s, wall’s, parked cars…”
“ Ok, bad example,” said Justtin. “ It’s just not funny, ok. That’s all I meant.”
But Pug wasn’t listening. He’d picked up a scent, and was thinking that she must have been beautiful.
“ Don’t he go on,” he thought.
“ I heard that,” said Justtin.
“ I can see this is going to get a little irritating,” thought Pug.
“ I heard that, too.”

***

Dad woke with a start, and realised he was scratching.
“ Oh shit,” he said. “ These clothes are infested with fleas.”
And jumping up and down, thinking this would help, he wondered whether to go back to the farm and get his old clothes back. But he decided against that. It was better to keep going forward, and you never know, he thought, something else might turn up.
He was awake now, and thought he might as well keep moving. At least that would take his mind off his flea problem, he thought while scratching. So he packed up his few belongings. He checked his signal device, to see if it was still working, but in the darkness, he couldn’t see anything, so he assumed that it was still working. He packed the device tightly in a plastic bag, and set off, on his long journey south.
He’d been walking for almost an hour in the moonlight, when he came to a river. There’s only one thing for it, he thought, and waded straight in. The cold hit him straight away, but at least the itching had stopped, for now.
Dad hadn’t counted on the current being so strong, and without realising, he was being swept back towards the north. He wasn’t wading from one side to the other anymore, he was now wading sideways, straight down the middle.
The one thing he did notice, that the river was getting deeper. He assumed he was still crossing the river, and was nearing the centre. How wrong can you be?
It didn’t take long, before dad was swimming, as the riverbed was too deep for his long legs to reach. He realised then, that something was wrong, so he started to swim even harder, trying to reach the bank on the opposite side to where he’d got in, but the current was taking him quickly toward the sea.
Bloody typical, he thought, as he passed a riverside pub and a few houses. He realised that he was floating, and decided to enjoy the ride. He pulled his legs up in front of him, folded his arms, laid back and spent the next forty-five minutes looking up at the stars, as he floated out of the estuary, and into the North Sea.

***

After a couple of hours of strolling around the park and chatting, mentally, Justtin decided to rest.
“ If I had feet, I imagine they would probably be hurting by now,” he said.
Pug thought about this for a while.
“ If I only had two feet, they’d be hurting twice as much,” he said.
“ I knew you were going to say that,” said Justtin.
“ Only because you can read my mind,” started Pug, but never finished.
Justtin was staring at a small clearing, close to the river. He used his magni-vision, and zoomed in on the spot in question. There in the clearing, he spied a nifty little sports car, and just like the daily paper, it was red all over.
“ What a beauty,” thought Justtin.
“ That belongs to that Hannah bird, from the pub,” said Pug when he focused on what Justtin had seen.
But Justtin wasn’t listening to him. He was listening to the conversation in the car. He could tell who it was from the low hum that was affecting his system.
“ Get off Trev,” boomed Hannah.
“ Ah, go on,” moaned Trev. “ You said.”
“ I bloody never,” she said.
“ Yes you did,” said Trev. “ You said tonight’s the night. I heard you.”
Justtin edged closer to the car.
Trevor edged closer to Hannah.
“ Oh, please Hannah,” said Trevor, who was trying his best to get on her tits, and anything else he could get his hands on.
“ No Trevor, stop it,” she said.
Hannah could put up a good fight, and usually win, but tonight the fight was going to finish prematurely.
“ Whassat?” Trev sat up alarmed.
Hannah heard it too.
“ Dunno,” she said.
They both squinted into the darkness, but could see nothing.
“ I can’t see a damn thing,” Hannah said as quietly as her deep voice would allow.
“ Might as well carry on then,” said Trevor.
Then they heard it again. It sounded like a small electric drill, getting closer and closer.
“ Damn these joints,” said Justtin.
“ Bit noisy, innit,” said Pug.
“ Shh,” said Justtin, “ I’m trying not to scare them.”
“ Fat chance,” said Pug.
With both of them looking straight ahead, Hannah and Trevor could suddenly make out the frame of a seven foot robot, stumbling, as robot’s do, straight towards them.
Without thinking twice, Trevor got his passenger door open, and fell straight to the floor.
“ Oh shit!” he said, and pulling his trousers up, he turned back for Hannah.
Too late.
Hannah was already fifty yards away, howling deeply into the night air, and Trevor, all of a sudden, wasn’t that far behind her.
But neither of them should have worried.
Justtin was only interested in the car.
“ Hello baby,” he said, suavely.
“ Get lost,” shivered the car.
“ Don’t be afraid little lady,” said Justtin. “ I just want to talk.”
“ Oh God,” yawned Pug. “ Here we go again.”
“ Shut up Pug, there’s a good chap,” whispered Justtin in his head.
“ That’ll be me shutting up then,” Pug’s head whispered back.
“ Now then. What’s a beautiful model like you, doing out here all alone?” the robot asked the car.
“ It probably has something to do with you scaring off my owner,” said the car.
“ Owner’s. Don’t you just hate them,” said Justtin, trying to show his sensitive side. “ It’s ok. You can relax with me.”
But the car wasn’t convinced, and without warning, started its engine.
“ What are you doing?” Justtin asked.
“ Leaving,” said the car, putting itself into gear and revving its engine.
“ But wait,” begged Justtin. “ We could be so good together. Won’t you give it a try?”
“ I wouldn’t try anything with you,” said the car, as it released its handbrake.
“ Stop,” said Justtin. “ You don’t have to do this.”
“ Oh yes I do,” said the car, and with even less warning, there was a screech of tyres, and the car turned right, straight into the river.
“ That was a bit drastic,” said Pug.
“ I saw it coming of course,” said Justtin.
“ How come?” asked Pug, puzzled.
“ I was talking to the onboard computer,” said Justtin. “ She hadn’t disengaged the steering lock.”
“ Oh,” said Pug.
“ So, what are we going to do now?” Justtin asked.
“ Home, I suppose,” said Pug. “ We’ll go the long way.”
“ Poxy stairs,” said Justtin.

***

Zed had finished at the studio, and when he got to Barry’s flat, he instantly collapsed onto the sofa. Penny went into the kitchen and returned with two opened bottles of beer. She offered one to Zed, who took it and drained it in one.
“ Thanks,” he said. “ I needed that.”
Barry entered the living room, dressed in a dark blue dressing gown, and pink flip-flops.
“ Very fetching,” said Zed.
“ So how did it go?” Barry asked, ignoring him.
“ This is the best show yet,” said Zed. “ We had a great time.”
“ Speak for yourself,” said Penny.
“ We have lots of special guests, and a new thing we did this time, we used audience participation,” said Zed, ignoring Penny. There was lots of ignoring going on. They had both ignored each other on the journey home, but Zed had ignored that as well.
“ Special guests?” said Barry. “ Like who?”
“ Sorry mate. I can’t tell you,” said Zed. “ You’ll have to wait until the show goes out on T.V.”
“ When’s that?” Barry asked.
“ Sometime next month, I think,” said Zed. “ I imagine most of it will end up on the producers floor, but there’s more than enough material, for at least six show’s.”
“ I feel a celebration coming on,” said Barry. “ And you can meet my new band.”
“ What band?” Zed asked.
“ Give me a chance to get dressed, and I’ll explain on the way to the Shakes,” said Barry.
And that’s what happened next.
Barry explained the story of how he became the manager of the Dog’s Testis, and how Justtin had received a message from dad, and also the mysterious disappearance of dad the squirrel.
He told Zed how Aunt B had been seen acting odd in the market, and just happened to mention Hannah, but didn’t give any more information than he had to.
“ You’re being a bit shady about this Hannah bird,” said Zed. “ Is there something you’re not telling me?”
“ What? Apart from the fact that I think she’s a bloke,” said Barry. “ No. I don’t think I missed anything.”
“ What do you mean, you think she’s a bloke?” asked Zed.
“ You haven’t heard her. Her voice is so deep, she just sounds like a bloke.”
“ You’re joking,” said Zed.
“ Ask Justtin,” said Barry. “ Her voice is almost too low for his frequency range.”
“ Blimey,” said Zed. “ And that’s not to be sniffed at. Where is he anyway?”
“ He took Pug to the park,” said Barry. “ They should be back soon.”
“ Sounds like he’s bonding with the dog. Mind you, after all the rows between him and B, he could probably do with the company. Even if they can’t talk to each other.”
“ Yeah. I suppose you’re right,” said Barry.
They entered the pub to find Jeff behind the bar. Barry had a quick look around, to see if he could see Hannah, but she wasn’t there.
“ Couple of pints, please Jeff,” said Barry. “ No Hannah tonight then.”
Justtin entered the pub with Pug, and made their way straight to where Barry and Zed were standing.
“ No,” said Jeff. “ She’s out with that Trevor. She’ll be back later.”
“ Possibly,” said Justtin, quietly.
“ What?” said Barry, not hearing him properly.
“ You’re in trouble,” said Pug.
“ Never said a word,” Justtin lied.
“ Oh!” said Barry, but he wasn’t convinced. Justtin was looking a bit flustered, but Barry decided to enjoy the moment, and he would pursue the matter another time.
“ You jammy git,” said Pug. “ I’m knackered. Wake me up if anything interesting happens.”
Pug curled up under Barry’s barstool and fell asleep, at exactly the same time that Barry and Zed moved toward their favourite window seat.
“ Wakey, wakey,” said Justtin.
“ Wassat?” said Pug.
“ You just missed something interesting,” said the robot.
“ Really? Like what?”
“ They’ve moved.”
“ That’s not interesting,” said the dog.
“ But it could have been. Just imagine if they’d done it sideways.”
“ You should get out more,” said Pug.

***

Dad the squirrel chewed his way out of the black bin liner, and found himself in the back of a shiny, new refuse truck.
He climbed to the top of a huge pile of smelly black bags, and looked out the back of the truck, at the road to Romford, disappearing quickly.
I must be going back to my homeland, he thought. I can finally return to the place of my birth. I can return with my head held high. I can tell all my friends of my adventures. I will be a hero, he thought. I will tell them all how I, a small squirrel, conquered the Sassenach’s. How I overpowered their Queen and ruled England, with an iron fist. The first all conquering squirrel leader of…
At that point the truck stopped, and started to reverse, towards the incinerator.
Nobody knows what the squirrel thought next, but it almost certainly had the word ‘bollocks’ in it.

***

Having been rescued by a stray Spanish fishing boat, dad was dropped near the English coast, under the cover of darkness. He waved goodbye to the crew, and swam the final twelve miles to the beach.
It was daybreak when the tide finally washed him ashore, and completely exhausted, he crawled across the sand to an old beach hut, where he crept underneath, curled up, and fell into a deep sleep.
Dad slept comfortably for hours, and finally woke later that afternoon. He had the vague memory of a dream, in which a squirrel had it’s nuts burnt, but he couldn’t remember much else.
He did remember his signal device though, and unwrapped it, to see if it still worked. He looked closely at the small light and realise there was probably just enough power to try and send another message. He flicked the switch to ‘on’ and watched the light go out.
“ Ah, nuts,” he said.
He had no idea if the message had been sent or not, so he packed the device away, and got himself ready to carry on with his journey south. He looked at the sun to get his bearing’s, turned right, picked up his belonging’s, and at a pace that a small child would have to run to keep up with, he set off.

***

“ Got another one,” said Justtin.
“ What? Another one of my fleas?” asked Pug.
“ Got another what?” asked Barry, wondering why he felt like scratching.
“ Another faint message from dad,” said Justtin. “ Shut up Pug, please. I’m trying to have a chat with Barry.”
“ You grumpy sod,” said Pug.
“ Did you get a fix on it?” asked Barry.
“ He needs fixing,” said Pug.
“ Piss off,” said Justtin. “ I think so,” he said to Barry.
“ Where?” asked Barry.
“ He’s making it up,” said Pug.
“ Near the Scottish border,” said Justtin. “ Excuse me a minute.”
“ Yeah sure,” said Barry.
He watched Justtin move toward the dog.
“ I’m giving you a warning,” Justtin said to the dog, as he got closer. “ I have an electric prod which could stun a cow, and I’m not afraid to use it.”
“ You got to catch me first,” said Pug, as he got up from his hiding place, under the table, and shot out of the kitchen door, almost knocking Penny over in the process.
“ What is going on?” she asked.
“ I have no idea,” said Barry. “ What was that all about, Jus?”
“ It’s nothing, really. As I was saying, I think I have a fix on the signal, but he will have to transmit again, before I can be absolutely certain.”
“ But it’s definitely him?” Barry asked.
“ I have no doubt,” said Justtin. “ Others might, but I don’t.”
“ Jesus,” said Barry. “ This means we took a perfectly innocent squirrel, from it’s natural environment, and treated it like one of us. Where is he anyway? I haven’t seen him for ages.”
“ Tell him, tin mouth,” said Pug, slinking back into the kitchen.
“ I don’t know,” said Justtin, as innocently as he imagined he could.
“ You novelty tampon dispenser,” said Pug. “ Why didn’t you tell him?”
“ Barry, I think the dog is dying to go out,” Justtin said.
“ Really? Oh, right. Come on boy,” said Barry. “ It’s time for walkies.”
“ I’ll get you for this, meccano dick,” said Pug, as he was dragged to the front door.
“ Ta ta, shorty,” said Justtin.
With Barry and Pug gone, Penny had time to get some sense out of Justtin.
“ What’s going on Jus?” she asked.
“ Regarding what, exactly?” said Justtin.
“ Is Barry’s dad really out there?” she asked.
“ Thank Iron Maiden for that. I thought you meant about the dog.”
“ Well, you can explain that as well, if you want.”
“ I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you,” said Justtin. “ Never trust a creature that can wash it’s own bum with its tongue.”
She thought about this.
“ Fair enough,” she said. “ So what about Barry’s dad.”
“ Yes, I believe he’s still out there, as you put it. But at the moment I’m not 100% certain where.”
“ Well, what information do you have?” Penny wanted to know.
“ Only a faint signal, very close to the Scottish border. So close, in fact, that I couldn’t tell you whether it was this side, or the other. But it felt like it was wet.”
“ What do you mean wet?” she asked.
“ I dunno. Just wet,” said Justtin.
She took a large map of Scotland from the kitchen drawer and laid it out on the table.
“ Can you even get close?” she asked. “ I mean, can you put your finger on the area from where the signal came?”
“ I don’t have fingers,” said Justtin. “ I have digits. Exactly the same, just different.”
“ Ok,” said Penny with a hint of tedium. “ Can you put a digit on the area then.”
“ If I put my hand on the area, that would be as close as I can get.”
“ Well, that’s a start,” said Penny. “ Off you go then.”
Justtin looked at the map, and put his large metal hand on an area of Scotland and North England, that covered as far north as Edinburgh, and as far south as Newcastle-upon-Tyne.
“ That’s a lot of ground to cover,” said Penny. “ Would it help if we got you any closer?”
“ Anything is possible,” said Justtin. “ I won’t know till we get there.”
“ Ok, so let’s assume that he’s on foot. How far is he going to get in one day?”
“ I would guess, approximately 25 to 30 miles,” said Justtin. “ Why do you assume he’s on foot?”
“ Because if he had some form of transport, he would be a lot closer. Plus the fact, that as Barry said, he got that call from that Police sergeant, saying that dad was heading south. If he thought he was on the run, he would stick to the fields and trees. Makes perfect sense to me.”
“ I knew that,” said Justtin. “ Just making sure you did too.”
“ We’ll have to get the other’s,” said Penny. “And we’re going to need transport.”
“ Why, where’s the van?” asked Justtin.
“ It’s being repaired,” said Penny, slightly embarrassed.
“ What did you do this time?” asked Justtin.
“ Had an argument with a bollard, and lost,” said Penny, sheepishly. “ It can be fixed, but I haven’t told Zed yet.”
“ That should be a laugh,” said Justtin.
“ Don’t you dare say anything,” said Penny.
“ As if,” said Justtin.
“ I’ll call them and tell them we’re going to Scotland then.”
“ Ok, but can we leave the old lady behind?” Justtin asked.
“ Look, I know you two have had some trouble in the past, but can’t you put it behind you, for Barry’s sake?”
“ Not a chance,” said Justtin.
“ Oh well,” said Penny, “ I tried.”
She picked up her phone and dialled Zed’s number.
“ It’s switched off,” said Justtin. “ But Barry’s is switched on.”
Penny stopped dialling Zed, and dialled Barry instead. The voice at the other end told her that she was welcome to voicemail, so Penny hung up.
“ It went straight to voicemail,” she told Justtin.
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ He’s talking to B. Send him a text message. He’ll get it as soon as he hang’s up.”
“ Good thinking,” said Penny, and got down to sending the text.
‘ Hi, only me. We hav 2 go 2 scotland & search for ur dad. Cal me wen u get this msg. Penny.x’
“ That should do the trick,” said Justtin.
“ Don’t talk to me about tricks,” said Penny. “ I’ve had enough to last me a life time.”
Two minutes later, Penny received a reply from Barry.
‘ In pub wiv zed. Wots the rush. Tlk sn. B.’
“ He’s having a laugh,” said Penny. “ And what the hell is tlk sn?”
“ Talk soon,” said Justtin. “ If he is replying to your message then his phone must be free. Call him.”
Penny dialled Barry’s number, and this time she got through.
“ Hello,” said Penny. “ It’s me.”
“ I knew that,” said Barry. “ Your name came up on my display. So, what’s the problem?”
“ We have a fix on your dad,” she said. “ We need to get to Scotland, and quickly.”
“ Why?”
“ It’s your dad Barry. The real one. Justtin has an idea of where he is, but we need to get him closer to dad, to make sure.”
“ Ok,” said Barry. “ I’ll finish my drink and come back.”
“ And bring Zed with you. Also, we’ll need some transport.”
“ Why? What’s the matter with the van?”
“ Just having some minor repairs done,” she lied, “ but it won’t be ready in time.”
“ Ok. I’ll talk to Zed, and see what we can come up with. Bye.”
“ Bye,” said Penny.
“ Well, that was easy,” said Justtin. “ I just hope they can come up with something big enough for all of us.”
“ What, like a double-decker?” Penny asked.
“ Don’t be disgusting,” said Justtin. “ I don’t do stairs.”