Justtin

Chapter twelve
When Harry met Barry

It wasn’t what Barry wanted to hear, but he heard it anyway. The plane had crashed after hitting power cables, just north of the Scottish border.
There was some good news. There was no sign of the pilot, if you can call that good news.
The Ministry could only assume that dad had ejected, and probably just in the nick of time. Well, it wouldn’t be very exciting if things like that didn’t happen.
The kids had only just finished listening to the Van Halen record, when Aunt B came into the room to break the news.
The Ministry had been on the blower, (her words) and told her what they knew.
They even told her something they didn’t know, like dad’s whereabouts. He’d disappeared, and as hard as the Ministry had tried, they didn’t know where he was.
He didn’t know where he was either, but then, if you’re hanging upside down in a tree, you do get a bit disorientated. He was still clutching the flight instructions, and they were still upside down.
“ Now there’s a thing,” said dad, “ and no mistake.”
The Ministry machine was working. They knew that even if dad was alive, they could use this incident to they’re advantage, as long as dad stayed missing. The wheels were already in motion, and a fake funeral was being arranged.
Barry had been kept informed of all the latest developments, and took a keen interest, because in his heart, he knew that his dad was ok. He’d been told all about the idea of the fake funeral, and although he didn’t like it, he understood why it had to be done. It would, at last, give them all some breathing space.
He wondered if his dad had crashed the plane on purpose. Maybe that was why he had insisted on using the Harrier instead of the balloon. But when Barry questioned Jacobs about the idea, he was told that the Ministry knew nothing of dad’s plan. Barry was convinced that Jacobs was lying, but then that’s what these agent’s do best, thought Barry, and decided not to pursue the matter.
Barry had told the others about his idea, and they all agreed that it was possible because of the motives.
“ He never mentioned anything to me,” said Justtin, “ but I can understand his reason for doing it. If he did, that is.”
“ We’ll have to go and find him,” said Barry.
“ What?” said Zed. “ How?”
“ We can use Justtin,” said Barry.
“ Charming,” said Justtin.
“ No, really,” said Barry. “ If dad has his badge with him, Justtin can pick him up.”
“ How the hell are we going to get a seven-foot robot up to Scotland?” asked Zed.
“ I don’t know,” said Barry. “ You’re the one with all the plans.”
“ We can use the tank,” said Aunt B, who was wearing a black trouser suit, for those who were wondering.
“ Does my bum look big in this?” she asked.
“ Your bum looks big in everything,” said Justtin.
“ You are the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen,” said Aunt B.
“ Really,” said Justtin, waiting for the punchline.
“ Yes,” said B. “ You’re full of crap.”
“ Ta-da,” said Justtin.
“ This isn’t helping,” said Barry.
“ So why don’t we use the tank?” asked B.
“ Not fast enough,” said Zed. “ Plus, how would we get the robot on it?”
“ With a big magnet,” said B.
“ Don’t even go there,” said Justtin.
“ Why not?” asked B.
“ Me and magnet’s don’t get on,” was Justtin’s reply, as he thought back to those early days, when five of his predecessors ended up on a scrap heap.
“ Oh dear,” said B. “ What a shame.”
“ We need a van,” said Barry. “ Is there anyone in the village that could help?”
“ I’ll make some calls,” said Zed. “ Leave it to me.”
“ I always knew I could,” said Barry.
“ What about the funeral?” asked Penny. “ The arrangements have been made for tomorrow.”
“ We’ll have to go when it’s finished,” said Barry. “ I can’t not go. It wouldn’t look right, if it was being watched by you-know-who.”
“ We’ll need a driver as well,” said Zed.
“ Better get you the phone then,” said Barry, and he did just that.
While Zed made himself busy on the phone, Barry went outside to talk to Justtin.
“ Are you sure you can do this?” Barry asked.
“ Are you doubting my ability?” said Justtin.
“ Are you answering me with another question?”
“ What do you think?”
“ Does it matter what I think?”
“ Sorry,” said Justtin losing the thread. “ What was the question?”
“ Are you sure we can locate dad,” asked Barry.
“ If we get close enough, yes. I must be within 120 miles, and as long as your dad has his badge, it shouldn’t be a problem.”
“ Yeah, but what if he doesn’t?” asked Barry.
“ Mmm! Good point,” said Justtin. “ I suppose he’ll be lost, then.”
“ Don’t say that,” Barry said, feeling upset. “ We will find him. Even if it takes me the rest of my life.”
“ Let’s just hope it’s a long one then,” said Justtin.

***
The morning of the funeral crept up on Barry, a lot quicker than he wanted. He’d spent the night tossing and turning, as thoughts went through his head.
He thought about his dad. He’d been missing for ages and he hadn’t contacted anyone, but Barry was adamant that his dad was ok. He also thought about what to expect at the funeral. He wondered who would be there. Would it be a quiet affair, or was it going to be full of pomp and circumstance? Where was it going to be held, and was it going to cause him a problem in respect of going to Scotland. Was the van sorted out? Who was going to drive? What was he going to find when he got to his dad? Now you can understand why he tossed and turned all night.
He should have trusted Zed a bit more, as all the necessary arrangements had been made.
The van had been borrowed from Mr. Fishmonger, and Old Nev was going to do the driving with Fergus giving directions. This seemed like a good idea to Zed at the time, as Fergus had, apparently, travelled all over Britain and, apparently, knew his way around. Zed had no idea what Nev and Fergus were like when they got together. He was due to find out soon.
The van had been parked outside the house and stocked with enough food and drink to last them a few days, and a short ramp had been fitted to the rear to help Justtin get in and out.
Barry had toyed with the idea of just him and Justtin going to Scotland, but Zed wouldn’t have any of it. His leg may have been on the mend, and he might still be bed ridden, but he convinced Barry that he wasn’t totally useless.
“ Besides,” Zed was saying, “ You’re my best friend, and we’re in this together.”
“ Ok,” said Barry, “ but that’s it. There’s not enough room for everybody.”
“ Are you going to tell the girls, or am I,” asked Zed.
“ We could always call them from a phone box,” said Barry.
“ What, you mean, sneak off?”
“ Any other ideas?” said Barry.
“ They’ll go mad,” said Zed. “ Let’s do it.”
“ Ok, but when?”
“ Find out what’s going on and leave the rest to me,” said Zed.
So Barry did.
During his chat with Zed, he’d heard some noise coming from the kitchen, and went off to find out what all the commotion was.
“ Hello love.”
Barry looked in astonishment, as his mum stood there with her arms outstretched toward him.
He ran straight to her and jumped into her arms with tears of happiness, streaming down his face.
B smiled. “ I’ll put the kettle on,” she said.
“ Not on my account,” said a wise mum.
“ When did you get here?” asked Barry.
“ Just now,” said mum. “ I stuck my head round the door, but you were deep in conversation with Zed. So I left you to it. How’s his leg?”
“ You can ask me yourself,” said Zed as he limped into the kitchen with aid of a crude walking stick, that Justtin had fashioned out of a branch that he’d found in the garden.
“ Hello Zed,” said mum. “ How are you feeling?”
“ Much better, thanks,” said Zed. “ I’ll be back in a minute. Just got to make a phone call.” He winked at Barry, and straight away, Barry knew that Zed was just about to put his new plan into action.
“ What’s he up to?” asked B.
“ What time is the funeral?” Barry changed the subject.
“ Midday, darling,” said mum. “ Why, is there a rush?”
“ No,” said Barry. “ Just don’t know what’s going on.”
Barry thought that whatever information he could get out of his mum, would be of some help to Zed.
“ We’re being picked up from here shortly, and being taken back to Romford. The funeral is being held at that big cemetery in Crow Lane, then we’ll come back here. We should be back here by three o’clock. Is that enough?”
“ Sure,” said Barry, shrugging his shoulders. He didn’t see the point, because he was still certain that his dad was all right.
“ Do we have to go?” said Barry.
“ We all know why we’re here, Barry,” said mum. “ The Ministry think, that going through with this, will throw the Arabs off our scent. We need them to think that they have nothing left to hunt. Then perhaps we can get on with our lives. So, in answer to your question, yes we have to go. Anything unusual, and it would appear suspicious. The children all have to attend, and Aunt Betty.”
“ What about Justtin?” Barry asked.
“ He can stay here and look after this place. I’m Sure Aunt B wouldn’t mind.”
“ He told me I have a fat arse,” said B, still smarting from his remark.
“ I’m sure you gave as good as you got,” said mum.
“ Told him he was full of crap,” said B, all proud. “ Where is the tin man, anyway?”
“ Don’t know. I’ll go and find out,” said Barry, who saw this as an excuse to tell Zed what was going on.
Barry went outside and made his way round the side of the house to the living room, where he found Zed sitting on his bed.
“ We’re leaving here soon,” said Barry through the window, “ and should be back by three. I’m just off to see Justtin. What shall I tell him?”
“ To be in the van when we get back,” said Zed. “ I’m taking a walkie-talkie to stay in touch with him. We’re going to need some cash as well.”
“ Why?” asked Barry.
“ Nev and Fergus didn’t come cheap.”
“ I’ll get some gold from the barn. Aunt B won’t miss it.”
“ Good thinking,” said Zed. “ I better get ready. See you in a minute.”
Barry went to the barn, because he knew that Justtin would be there.
“ Hello Jus. What ya doing?”
“ Listening to repeat of that radio show.”
“ I thought that was only on, on Sundays?” said Barry.
“ Your dad built in a programme that allows me to record things and play them back at my leisure.”
“ Cool,” said Barry. “ Can you record anything?”
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ Why?”
“ They have live bands playing on Radio 1 every Saturday evening. I just thought we could listen to them whenever we wanted.”
“ I only have limited space, but hey, we can give it go.”
“ Brilliant,” said Barry. “ Anyway, I’ve got to go to my dad’s funeral and I won’t be back till 3pm. Zed says can you be in the back of the van, for when we get back?”
“ I suppose so, but why?”
“ Coz we’re leaving without the girls.”
“ That’s good enough for me. I’ll be there.”
Barry went down the steps into the underground cavern and made his way to the room where he remembered the gold to be. He stuffed his pockets with as much as he could carry, having no idea of the value, and made his way back up the stairs. He stopped briefly in the barn and gave some of the gold to Justtin.
“ Keep this somewhere safe,” he told the robot and left to join the others in the house. Barry stopped outside the living room window and gave Zed some coins to carry.
“ It’s too heavy,” Barry told Zed. “ My trousers keep falling down.”
“ We’ll leave it here,” said Zed. “ We’ll get changed when we get back. I’ll get Justtin to put it all in the van.”
“ Ok,” said Barry. “ Are you ready, coz we’ve got to go?”
“ See you in the kitchen in two minutes,” said Zed as he straightened his tie and hobbled over to the wardrobe and got his jacket.

***

The journey to Romford was uneventful and if you know Romford, life is uneventful when you get there.
The convoy of three large black funeral cars made its way straight to the cemetery, and once the cars had stopped, Barry noticed that everywhere he looked, there were men in dark suits, wearing dark glasses, and some of them were talking to their sleeves.
The children got out of the car and stood at the side of the road, waiting for Barry’s mum and Aunt B. Soon they were all standing together, and waiting for instruction. Jacob’s told them they were just waiting for the coffin and then they could get the funeral under way.
Looking around, Barry spotted somebody he didn’t know, but this man looked vaguely familiar.
“ Who’s that, mum?”
“ That’s an old friend of your father’s. Bert Hunter. I didn’t expect him to be here.”
Bert was waving a drunken hand.
She acknowledged his wave and turned her attention back to the children.
“ Bloody piss head,” said mum under her breath.
Let me explain.
There is only one pub in the Romford area, The Golden Lamb. Also known as the Golden Handshake, or The Shakes for short, because it was always frequented by the old and retired. Hence the name.
The Shakes was a huge pub close to Romford’s market, and on market days it would open at 6am, to please the market traders, postmen and the local alcoholics. It was well known for being able to get a full English breakfast with your pint.
One of Romford’s most famous sons was Bert Hunter.
Bert used to be a T.V. psychiatrist. He claimed it was his dream job.
He was also a former pop star, and chat show host. He also claimed to be a comedian, but the opposite was closer.
Then the booze became his best friend, and it was downward spiral from then on.
The Shakes became Bert’s second home, his first being the sofa in his living room.
Every given opportunity would find Bert in the Shakes, chatting to anyone that would listen to him through his drunken slur. He had a great rapport with the other locals.
“ Too much to drink please barman,” was his usual opening line.
“ Oh shit! Here he comes again,” and “ Piss off,” were the usual replies.
Bert was a happy drunk, and insisted, adamantly, that he was not an alcoholic. But as most people know, and especially those in America, denial is the fifty-first state.
At this particular moment, Bert was still drunk from the night before, as he was on many occasions. Anybody looking at him could tell by the stupid grin on his face.
“ Just ignore him,” mum was saying, “ and perhaps he’ll go away.”
“ I remember him,” said Aunt B. “ He made an appearance at the pub in the village. He was supposed to be funny. The tin man is funnier than him.”
Barry thought about Justtin, and wondered what he was doing. He pulled Zed to one side, which wasn’t easy for Zed, who’d almost lost his balance, but just managed to steady himself with his stick.
“ Watch it,” said Zed.
“ Sorry,” said Barry. “ Wasn’t thinking. Have you contacted Justtin yet?”
“ No. Why?”
“ Just wondered what he was up to, that’s all.”
“ Is it important?” Zed asked.
“ Not really,” said Barry.
“ I’ll wait until the ceremony starts. I’ll find an excuse to go somewhere, then call him.”
Barry liked the way Zed could plan ahead with ease.
“ Ok,” he said.
And they didn’t have to wait long, as the hearse carrying the coffin came into view. Even though Barry knew the box was empty, he still got very upset, and buried his face in his mother’s side. Aunt B stood on his other side and patted his head, a bit harder than he liked.
Penny and Zed stood next to each other with their heads bowed, as the coffin was taken out of the back of the hearse and positioned over the deep hole in the ground. The local vicar took up his position and started to make his speech to the congregation.
“ Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today…”
This was all too much for Barry as he started to wail. With all eyes on Barry’s authentic display, nobody noticed Zed slip quietly away, not even Penny.
Far too easy, thought Zed as he moved away from the small gathering and using his walkie-talkie, he contacted Justtin.
“ Hello Justtin. Can you hear me?”
“ Loud and clear. How’s it going?”
“ The ceremony has just started. Barry is putting on a fine display. Enough to get me away without being noticed anyway. Is everything ready for our return?”
“ Yes. The two old gentlemen are here, although they look like they’re drunk.”
“ Oh, great. Give them plenty of coffee. We need them sober by three o’clock. Can you put all the gold in the van? There’s some under my bed. Get Nev to find it and tell him it’s his payment. I’ve got to go. Someone’s coming.”
“ Ok. See you later,” said Justtin.
Zed returned to the congregation to hear the vicar finish his speech.
“ …As we commit dad to the ground. The Father, the spirit and the Holy Ghost. Amen.”
They all watched the coffin being lowered into the grave, and the one thing Zed noticed more than anything else was the silence. Mum thanked the vicar and shook his hand, then it was Barry’s turn to shake the vicar’s hand, followed by Aunt B, Penny then Zed.
Bert was standing at the side of the grave, swaying from side to side with a hip flask in his hand.
Barry was watching him while they waited for the cars to pick them up and take them back to the farmhouse. As the car arrived, someone dressed in black got out of the car and held the door open for Barry, Zed and mum. Barry took his seat and looked to where Bert was standing, but he’d gone.
Barry knew that he’d been crying and maybe he still had some tears in his eyes. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. Bert still wasn’t there, but two men were making their way to dad’s grave.
As Barry watched, the two men reached into the grave, and helped Bert to his feet.
Covered in dirt, Bert thanked the men who had helped him out of the grave, and Barry watched him being lead to one of the cars. It didn’t occur to the boy that Bert was going back to the farmhouse with them, so he forgot about him.
The big black cars made their way out of the cemetery and slowly crept through the streets of Romford, toward the Eastern Avenue. Then they turned north on the A12, and headed back to Aunt B’s country retreat.

***
The last car had left the grounds and everybody had congregated in the kitchen. Aunt B had her home made tea and raisin wine doing the rounds. Most people took one sip and that was enough. Bert was on his third bottle.
“ Shmashing,” he was saying.
“ How did you get here?” asked mum.
“ I dunno,” said Bert. “ Shomeone pushed me in the car, and here I am. Thish ish nishe,” he said holding up his glass for more.
Zed and Barry saw this as the opportunity they needed. They went and got changed and Zed spoke to Justtin by walkie-talkie. Everyone was in the van as arranged. Nev was sober enough to drive.
“ This van stinks,” Fergus was saying.
“ It will do,” said Old Nev. “ It’s them fish. Shouldn’t we throw them out?”
“ Good idea,” said Fergus, who opened his window and threw out two pieces of blown up fish from last week’s attack.
Incredibly, nobody in the kitchen saw this happen.
“ We’re coming out,” said Zed. “ Start her up and open the back door.”
“ Ok,” said Justtin. “ We are ready.”
The robot then spoke to the engine, which suddenly sparked into life.
The two boys crept as quietly as they could, through the small crowd in the kitchen, and out into the garden, straight into mum.
“ And where do you think you’re going?” she asked.
Zed kept going, while Barry talked to his mum.
“ We’re going to Scotland, mum. We’re going to find dad.”
“ How do you expect to find him if the Ministry can’t?” she asked.
“ We have Justtin. If dad has his badge on, Justtin will find him. We have the advantage that the Ministry don’t.”
“ What about Aunt Betty and Penny. You can’t just leave them here.”
“ There’s not enough room in the van. I didn’t want Zed to come, but he insisted. We will find him. And once we do, we’ll bring him home.”
Zed was in the van and beckoning Barry to hurry up.
“ I’ve got to go. Just don’t tell the other’s, please.”
“ I won’t. Just take care. I know Justtin will look after you.”
Mum kissed Barry on the forehead and watched him get into the van, and thirty seconds later was waving to him as the van disappeared through the gate.
“ Where they off to?” asked Penny as she joined mum in the garden.
“ Scotland. Oh bugger. I wasn’t supposed to say that,” said mum.
“ What?” said Penny. “ They’ve gone without us.”
“ Yes, sorry,” said mum. “ Apparently there wasn’t enough room for all of you. It’s probably for the best. They have Justtin with them, and if anyone can find dad, Justtin can.”
Penny was angry, but she didn’t know what to do. She told Aunt B.
“ What are we going to do?” Penny asked her.
Aunt B scratched her head.
“ Get me a walkie-talkie,” she said.
“ Where is it?”
“ In there.”
Penny went to the fridge and got her the radio set.
“ Hello Ray. Are you there? Over,” said B.
“ Yes,” said Ray. “ Who’s that?”
“ It’s B at the farmhouse. I need your help.”
“ Like what?” Ray asked.
“ Those little buggers have taken off without me and Penny. Do you have any transport?”
“ Where have they gone, coz if it’s local I’ve got my little Thundersley Invacar. It’s fully charged.”
“ What’s one of them?” B asked.
“ You know. That little light blue invalid car that I have.”
“ How far will it get us?”
“ About ten miles until it’s needs recharging.”
“ That’s no good,” said B. “ We’ve got to go to Scotland.”
“ Scotland?” said Ray not believing what he was hearing. “ Why Scotland?”
“ Barry’s gone looking for his dad. Nev and Fergus are with them.”
“ The crafty bastards. I wondered where they had got to. It looks like I can’t help you, but let me know if you come up with anything.”
“ Will do. Over and out.”
Penny was sitting in the barn crying. She couldn’t believe that Zed had gone and left her behind. She was thinking about the times that they had shared, when she looked at the open hatch door, and it hit her. She got up and made her way toward the house, only to be met by B coming in the opposite direction, with the same idea.
The tank.
It was so obvious.*
The T-34 was fully fuelled and ready to go. Aunt B and Penny made their way down the steps and went straight to the tank. One by one they climbed aboard and Aunt B dropped inside. The tank fired up straight away and moved along the tunnel and out into the sunlight.
As Aunt B steered the tank toward the village, Penny spotted the man from the funeral, staggering about, outside the pub.
“ Stop the tank,” she said.
Aunt B stopped as requested and Penny jumped down to talk to Bert.
“ How did you get here?” Penny asked.
“ I have know idea. Thash a lovely car. Ish it new?”
“ No, it’s an old Russian tank. We’re going to Scotland,” said Penny.
“ Can I come,” said Bert.
“ It’s a bit cramped, but I don’t see why not,” said Penny.
“ What about me?” said Ray as he came out of the pub.
“ It’s getting tight already,” said Penny.
“ That’s ok,” said Ray. “ You can tow me. The cars round here,” he said pointing to the back of the pub.
Penny climbed onto the tank and spoke to B, and shortly the tank was being reversed into the car park. The Thundersley was hooked up to the rear of the tank with Ray sitting inside, and after waiting for Bert to come out of the pub’s toilet, they also hit the road to Scotland, leaving mum on her own at the farmhouse.
“ Should have brought that cardigan that I was knitting,” she said. “ Barry will like it when it’s finished. Oh well, there’s no point sitting here.”
She jumped into her car, and drove back to Scotland, with an empty car.

* Even I saw that coming...well I would, wouldn't I.