Justtin

Chapter eleven
Time to go

It was several days later, and after clearing up a lot of the mess and gathering what they could salvage from the bedroom, they moved the bedding into the living room at the back of the house.
Zed spent most of his time in bed, resting his leg. He’d been told about the direct hit on the room, and that his Van Halen album was safe. Dad also told him that a new hamper had been delivered, and that the Ministry was very proud of what the children had done.
Aunt B was telling Zed a story, to cheer him up while he lay in bed. He knew she was a raving lunatic, but in the circumstances, he could do with a bloody good laugh, mostly because the painkillers didn’t seem to be doing very much.
“ During the Second World War,” she started, “ my cousin Fred was captured by the Germans, in France, and sent to a prisoner of war camp. Nasty places they were, but if you kept out of trouble, they fed you. After six months Fred became ill, and the camp doctor was called in to see him. The doctor diagnosed gangrene in his left leg and told Fred that the best thing to do, would be amputation.”
Zed looked alarmed. I don’t have gangrene do I, he thought to himself. But before he could ask, Aunt B continued.
“ Fred agreed, but asked to see the camp Kommandant. The Kommandant went to see Fred, and Fred told him that if his leg were to be removed, he would like it flown back to England, so that it could have a decent burial. The Kommandant agreed, so the leg was removed and flown to England.
A month later, the doctor was called again, and Fred was told that he had the same problem with his left arm. Fred asked the Kommandant to fly the arm home, the Kommandant agreed, and home went the arm.
Another month went by, and poor old Fred was told that his right leg had to go. Fred asked the Kommandant if he could send the limb back to Blighty. First the Kommandant agreed, and turned to take his leave. But he stopped and said “ No.”
“ No?” said Fred. “ But why?”
“ Because I’ve tumbled you, you bastard,” said the Kommandant. “ You’re escaping bit by bit.”
Barry, Penny and a very relieved Zed laughed and laughed. Justtin had been listening through the window and even he made an attempt to laugh.
“ Her, her,” he went, sounding like a donkey coughing up a fur ball. That made he kids even worse.
But dad wasn’t laughing.
“ What’s up with you, grumpy?” asked Aunt B.
“ Your cousin Fred was my dad,” said dad, “ and I hadn’t heard that story.”
“ Oh yeah. Forgot about that,” said B. “ Oh well, better luck next time.”
“ Her, her,” said Justtin again.
When the laughter finally stopped, Zed had a question.
“ What happened about the submarine?”
Dad went quiet.
“ I have some bad news for Penny, I’m afraid,” he said.
“ What do you mean?” asked Penny.
“ When I spoke to the Ministry, they told me that your Uncle got killed in the attack on the sub. I’m sorry, but I didn’t know how to tell you.”
Everybody went quiet as they watched tears appear in Penny’s eyes.
“ Uncle Jim, dead?” she said. “ I don’t believe it.”
Nobody knew what to say. Well, you never do in these situations, do you?
Dad gave it a go though.
“ If there’s anything, that any of us can do, you only have to ask.”
Penny was crying in disbelief, and the one thing that irritated dad more than anything else, was listening to a crying child. Especially when they were somebody else’s. He thought for a moment. He needed an excuse for it to stop, or at least go away. Aha, he thought.
“ Why don’t you go and spend some time with your folks, Penny,” said dad.
“ I’m sure they need you, just a much as you need them right now.”
Penny fell for it. She gave them all a hug, and through her tears, she said her goodbyes, and left. Thank God that’s over, thought dad.
“ That was days ago,” said Barry. “ Why did it take so long to tell her?”
“ There’s never a right time,” said dad, feeling extremely pleased with his work.
“ I was wondering how to approach the situation,” dad continued. “ When Zed asked about the sub, it just seemed right.”
“ Do we know what actually happened?” asked Zed.
“ Details are a bit sketchy,” said dad, “ but it involves an industrial vacuum cleaner, a ping pong ball and a packet of cocktail sticks. I couldn’t say too much in front of Penny, could I? Anyway, there is an upside to all this. Her other uncle, James, has been given the job, only he will be known as 007, because his credentials are not as good.”
“ James Bond 007,” said Zed. “ I suppose it has a ring to it.”
“ I don’t suppose I’ll get my jump jet now,” said B.
“ That’s the last of our worries,” said Barry. “ So where’s the sub now?”
“ They blew it up,” said dad. “ It’s sitting at the bottom of the sea at the moment. They’ll probably bring it back up soon and take it to Portsmouth.”
“ So what happens now?” asked Barry.
“ Well, the Arab world has issued a Finwah on me,” said dad. “ So I’ll probably have to go back into hiding for a while. Until the air clears a bit, anyway.”
“ What’s a Finwah?” asked Barry.
“ It’s the same as a Fatwah, it just doesn’t carry as much weight.”
“ Ok,” said Barry. “ So what’s a Fatwah then?”
“ It’s their word for putting a price on someone’s head,” said dad, “ and sometimes you have to take them seriously.”
“ What? In this book?” said B.
“ What else is going to happen?”
“ I’ve got to go back to Scotland,” said dad.
“ When?” asked Barry.
“ Very soon,” said dad. “ Now that this little episode is over, I don’t expect them to try anything for a while. And I’m sure your mum is getting worried.”
“ Yeah, you’re probably right,” said Barry. “ I just don’t want you to go.”
“ Don’t worry. We’ll be back together shortly. I promise,” said dad.
“ Yeah, right,” said Justtin, through the window.
“ What’s your problem?” said dad.
“ Nothing,” said Justtin. “ Can’t wait. Honest. Would be nice to meet the old girl, I’m sure.”
“ Please don’t call my mum old,” said Barry. “ You’ve not met her, so it’s a bit unfair.”
“ Yes, please shut up,” said dad. “ Who asked you to butt in, anyway?”
“ Kiss my tinny arse,” said Justtin.
“ What’s the matter with you, Jus?” asked Barry.
“ You’re going to leave me aren’t you?” Justtin asked dad.
Dad wasn’t expecting this.
Justtin had become so close to Barry, he treated him like a brother, and had decided to take on that roll.
“ I have to leave all of you,” said dad, a bit confused.
“ But we’ve only just met,” said Justtin, “ and now you want to leave me.”
“ I understand what you’re trying to say,” said dad who clearly didn’t, “ but I will be back. I made that promise to Barry, and I don’t break my promises easily.”
“ Grow up Justtin,” said Barry. “ You’re acting like a kid.”
“ Well, you do as well,” said the tin man.
“ That’s because I am one,” said Barry.
“ That’s a lousy excuse,” said Justtin.
“ Get over it,” said Barry.
“ Whatever,” said Justtin, picking up one of Barry’s characteristics.

***

Incredibly, all through the mortar attack, the balloon remained intact.
Of course, it had been hit, but the shells had bounced off and fallen harmlessly into the river. The fish didn’t like it much, but who cares.
The man from the local chip shop did. He’d been down to the river and collected as much dead fish as he could find. It saved him a fortune in travelling backwards and forwards to the fish market and also meant that he could spend time at home, watching his wife.
He’d heard the rumours, but never actually saw anything to be suspicious about. According to local gossip, she was having an affair with Old Nev, but Nev knew nothing about it. She did his laundry once a week, and that’s as close as he got.
And that’s how the rumour got started.
Mrs. Fishmonger had been seen hanging out Old Nev’s underwear. The local busybody had put two and two together, and came up with a lot more than four. They were a clever bunch of people, those villagers, just not when it came to maths.
“ How many pints have I had?” asked Fergus.
“ Fuck knows,” said Nev.
That proves my point.

***

Back to the balloon.
It was still there, fully inflated, and ready to take Barry’s dad back to Scotland.
“ Is that thing safe?” asked Barry.
“ Well, it got me here, didn’t it,” said dad.
“ True,” said Barry. “ It just doesn’t look like it will make the journey back. How far is it, anyway?”
“ About 500 miles,” answered dad.
“ How long will that take?” asked Barry.
“ It depends on the wind speed,” said dad.
“ And direction,” added Justtin. “ If the winds blowing in the wrong direction, you could be blown towards your enemy, instead of away from them.”
“ Is that true dad?” asked Barry.
Dad wished that Justtin had kept his metal gob shut.
“ Yes, its possible,” said dad, “ but highly unlikely. I just have to head north and hope that the wind will get me there quickly.”
“ So, it’s all guess work, then?” said Barry, whose frowning made him look a lot older than his ten years.
“ Er, yes, pretty much,” said dad. “ But, as I said just now, it got me here.”
“ But you’re an inventor,” said Barry. “ Can’t you fit an engine to it or something?”
“ What? In a couple of hours?” said dad. “ I have to go soon. I won’t have time.”
“ I didn’t realise that you were going today,” said Barry.
“ Oh shit!” said Justtin with an air of excitement.
“ The last time you said that, we got attacked by mortars,” said dad. “ What is it this time?”
“ Look up there,” said Justtin. “ It’s beautiful man.”
Barry and his dad looked out across the trees, to see a speck getting bigger, as a Harrier jump jet got closer and closer.
“ Oooh!” said Justtin. “ The deluxe two seater.”
On hearing the screech of the engines, Aunt B came to join them.
“ What’s that?” she asked.
“ That, B, is your jump jet, I believe,” said dad.
“ With a bow,” said Justtin.
“ What?” said dad.
“ It has a large bow tied to it,” said Justtin.
“ Ooh really,” said B. “ What colour?”
“ Does it matter?” asked Barry.
“ It does to me,” said B. “ I asked for pink.”
“ And pink it is,” said Justtin as the aircraft got closer.
“ Oh goody,” said B. “ I’ll go and put on something that matches.”
It was now blatantly obvious that the Harrier was going to land in the grounds of the farmhouse, and as Justtin had said, there was a huge pink bow tied around its middle. The aircraft landed with all the noise that came with it. Justtin went to the barn and returned with a stepladder and propped it next to the cockpit and as the engines died, the pilot got out of the fighter plane, descended the steps and handed dad a note.
Dad looked at the note. It came from the Ministry.
Dear dad, we couldn’t have the Military supply you with something that we couldn’t supply ourselves, so please accept this as a small token of our esteem. Well done to all on a fantastic job. With compliments…The Ministry. P.S. Please return the bow. We have to use it again. Cost cutting etc. etc.
“ Blimey,” said dad. “ They really don’t like each other.”
“ Is that a problem?” asked Barry.
“ Not to me,” said dad, who decided that flying back to Scotland was going to be easier than he thought.

***

Justtin tried chatting up the jump jet, but being vastly superior in the intelligence department, Justtin decided to leave the jet to its humdrum life.
Justtin needed a challenge, and spent his days scanning the radio waves, trying to find that one little thing that would stimulate him. He stumbled across a radio play, and found what he was looking for.
He knew that he was being watched by Barry, but that didn’t make any difference.
Justtin was wobbling backwards and forwards on his tracks. I would have said pacing, but to pace, you would need legs. Justtin was lacking in that department, so he just wobbled, which is a fair description, considering he had no legs.
While Justtin was busy wobbling, he was also busy doing something else.
It’s a fair assumption, that being a robot with multi-capability, then surely, he must be capable of multi-tasking.
Pretty much the same as we humans are capable of eating and talking at the same time, even though our parents would tell us it was wrong and bad manners, etc. etc.
Justtin’s something else was laughter. He was laughing to himself.
“ He he he!”
“ Ha ha ha!”
“ Ho ho ho!”
I suppose you get the idea. I do.
But what was he laughing at? Well, lets take a closer look.
“ He he he! Oh, that is funny. Ha ha ha. It’s cracking me up. Ho ho ho,” he guffawed. “ This is too much.”
“ Hey, Jus. What are you laughing at?” asked Barry.
“ Ha ha. Hi Barry,” said Justtin. “ This is hilarious. Ha ha.”
“ What is?” asked Barry, none the wiser.
“ I’ve tuned into the BBC,” said the robot. “ I’m listening to a radio play called The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. It’s hysterical. There’s a manic-depressive robot called Marvin. He’s brilliant.”
“ Ah yes,” said Barry. “ Douglas Adams. A very funny man.”
“ You got that right, big Baz,” said Justtin. “ Do you need anything, or can I get back to the radio?”
“ Yes,” said Barry. “ Have you done a scan of the area recently?”
“ Yeah, half an hour ago. Just before this started. Nothing to report.”
“ Ok. Enjoy the programme.”
“ I will.”
Justtin went back to his laughing and Barry went to find his dad, happy in the knowledge that at least his robot wasn’t depressed.

***

“ It can’t be any different to flying any other jet,” dad said to Barry.
“ So you’ve not actually flown a Harrier then,” said Barry. “ It’s a bit dangerous, isn’t it?”
“ Of course not,” dad lied. “ Just the take off and landing concerns me a little, that’s all. The instructions are not very clear.”
“ I can get you a new set,” said Justtin.
“ That would make sense,” said Barry, not wanting his dad to blow up on take off.
“ Ok, Justtin. Go for it,” said dad.
Justtin used his built in modem to send a message to MI3, and after a few of those short minutes, as opposed to a few of those long ones, he received the information that dad required.
“ Can you print it off for me?” asked dad.
“ You want it all, don’t you?” said Justtin as he printed the flight instructions for dad.
“ Do they help?” asked Barry.
“ Sort of,” said dad, holding them upside down. Barry noticed the mistake, and turned the instructions up the right way.
“ Are you sure about this?” Barry asked, not convinced.
“ Piece of cake,” said dad, trying to hide his embarrassment, due to the simple mistake.
“ It has vertical take off and landing,” said Justtin. “ Or you’ll need a minimum of fifty yards of runway.”
“ Or an aircraft carrier,” chipped in Barry.
Dad thought about the area surrounding the place in Scotland, but couldn’t think of anywhere in the vicinity where he could land the plane safely.
“ Fifty yards isn’t much, is it?” said dad.
“ Are you having second thoughts?” asked Barry.
“ No chance,” said dad. “ You don’t get a chance to fly one of these babies every day.”
“ Well, if you’re going to go through with this, I want to go with you,” said Barry.
“ No way,” said dad. “ We’ve had this conversation, and you stay here.”
“ But if I come with you,” said Barry, “ surely the Iraqi’s will leave this place alone, won’t they?”
“ Who can tell what they will do next,” said dad. “ They’re all a bit weird.”
“ You should be careful of what you say,” said Barry. “ It was that sort of thing that started all this.”
“ All I said was, that I thought, in my own opinion, that they were a bunch of brain fried, hot headed wankers,” said dad defending his outburst. “ Nothing wrong in that is there?”
“ Only that it got Zed hurt,” said Barry, reminding his dad. “ If you hadn’t said anything, then none of this would have happened.”
“ Fair enough,” said dad, “ but it still doesn’t mean you can come to Scotland.”
“ So, how long will you be gone?” Barry asked.
“ As long as it takes,” said dad, pointing at the jump jet. “ With that thing there, I can do the trip to Scotland in an hour. And the quicker I get there, the quicker I can get back.”
“ So we’re talking hours, not days.”
“ It will be days, rather than weeks.”
Barry groaned. That wasn’t the answer he was looking for. He bit his lip while he thought of another way to get his dad to take him with him to Scotland.
“ Don’t bother,” said dad. “ You ain’t coming.”

***

Barry didn’t watch his dad take off. He didn’t want to see the plane crash. He needn’t have worried. The plane rose majestically into the air, turned to face the north, and was gone.
After thirty seconds, Justtin sighed.
“ Very impressive,” he said, as he moved back toward the house to find Barry.
“ He got off ok then,” said Barry.
“ Yep. He’s already out of my scanner range,” said Justtin.
“ Really? How fast is he going?” asked Barry.
“ When I lost him, he was just reaching 600 miles per hour,” said Justtin.
“ Nothing really, considering that the aircraft can do over 700mph.”
Barry couldn’t imagine something travelling that fast, so he looked to Justtin for a clue.
“ I’m not sure that I can,” said Justtin. “ You sneeze at about 120mph. Is that any help?”
“ Not really,” said Barry.
Zed was sitting on his bed, listening to Barry and the robot.
“ Maybe I can help,” he said.
“ Be my guest,” said Justtin.
“ If you go on the motorway,” Zed started, “ the top speed you can do is 70mph. So, if you can imagine going ten times faster than that, you have your answer.”
“ Nope,” said Barry, “ it still don’t help.”
“ Well,” said Justtin, “ in less than an hour, he’ll be back with your mum. In fact, in almost the time it takes to listen to the Van Halen album. Go on Zed, put it on.”
“ Really?” said Zed. “ Why?”
“ I’m into all things metal,” said Justtin.
“ Alright!” said Zed.
“ Let’s rock!” said Justtin.