Justtin

Chapter thirteen
Not the road to Mandalay


The road to Scotland was a long one, and Barry was fidgeting. He was dying for a wee and they’d only been on the road for thirty minutes, which by amazing coincidence, was the exact time distance between them and Aunt B in the tank.
“ We’ve got to stop,” said Fergus, before Barry could even open his mouth.
“ Why?” asked Zed.
“ Coz Nev needs more coffee,” replied Fergus.
“ That’s a good enough excuse,” said Zed.
“ We just need to find somewhere that’s open,” added Fergus, as an after thought.
“ Justtin,” said Barry. “ Can you help?”
“ First left, second right.”
“ How did you do that?” asked Fergus, warming to the metal man.
“ Instinct,” said Justtin.
“ What? You mean you can just tell,” asked Fergus, who was obviously very impressed.
“ No. My sensors picked it up. The Inn stinks.”
They followed Justtin’s metallic nasal sensors, and sure enough, they found a roadside café.
As the van came to a halt, Barry pushed open the back doors and ran as fast as he could toward the café, to find a toilet, but didn’t make it that far. The nearest wall looked inviting, so we’ll leave Barry there.
Fergus and Nev took a leisurely stroll to find enough coffee to fill a thermos, while Zed sat in the van with Justtin.
“ I should be saying I don’t believe it,” said Justtin, “ but the problem is, I do.”
“ What are you talking about?” asked Zed.
“ I’ve picked up Penny’s badge. She’s heading this way, with Aunt B.”
“ Are you sure?” asked Zed.
“ If you keep asking stupid questions like that, I will have to consider calling you Barry.”
Zed felt hurt by that remark. Barry and stupid in the same sentence. And directed at him. It wasn’t nice, but Zed realised he had to get a grip.
“ Sorry, that was a bit stupid,” he said.
Zed thought quickly of a way to phrase his question, without annoying Justtin any further.
“ So, how are they heading this way?”
“ That’s more like it,” said Justtin. “ They’re in the tank and they’re following us.”
“ They’re not going by road, are they?”
“ Correct. They’re not. They’re cutting across the fields, and in the last few minutes, while we’ve been talking, they’ve gained another three miles. At this rate, I calculate that they will be here in fifteen minutes.”
“ Oh shit!” said Zed. “ If they’re mad, they might shoot at us, and that thing is bloody accurate over a couple of miles.”
“ Ah, but we have the upper hand,” said Justtin. “ I can see them, but they can’t see us. If we let them get in front of us, we can watch them.”
“ That makes perfect sense, but Barry’s not going to buy that. He’s in a hurry to get to his dad.”
“ It’s a dilemma, innit,” said Justtin. “ In that case, we have to get away from here as quickly as possible. Then, when we are well in front, we will have to stay well in front. Sooner or later, we are all going to need fuel. Let’s just make sure it’s not at the same place, at the same time.”

***

It was easy to forget that Ray was being towed by the tank, which was why Aunt B had told Penny to cut through the trees and go across the fields. B had forgotten.
Poor Ray on the other hand, knew he was being towed. He could feel every bump. His walkie-talkie was on the floor, and out of reach, which meant that he couldn’t even tell B that he was still behind her.
“ I’m gonna throw up,” he said, and promptly did.
“ Oh great. Now I’ve got to sit in it.”
Totally oblivious, Aunt B guided Penny across field after field, through hedges and bushes, knocking down the occasional small tree, and squashing the occasional rabbit, that sat there thinking to itself, I wonder what that is. But the rabbit thought for too long. Never learn, do they?
Aunt B was enjoying the countryside so much, that she started to sing.
“ The tracks on the tank go round and round, round and round, round and round, the tracks on the tank go round and round, all day long.”
“ She’s totally off her head,” said Bert as he was being thrown from side to side.
“ That’s a bit strong, coming from you,” said Penny.
“ I don’t know what you mean,” said Bert, who was beginning to sober up rather quickly. “ Where are we?”
“ About 30 miles north of the farmhouse,” said Penny. “ Is that a problem?”
“ You mean we’ve got another 500 miles of this,” said Bert. “ I feel sorry for the bloke in the car. He can’t be having much fun.”
Penny slammed on the brakes.
“ What’s going on?” said B.
“ We’ve just dragged Ray through fields and hedges and…”
“ Alright, calm down.” B said. “ Let’s go and see if he’s ok.”
Penny and B jumped down from the tank, and looked at the little invalid car.
“ Oh dear,” said B.
The car was upside down, but Ray was the right way up, and waving his fist at B.
“ We better let him out,” said Penny. As she opened the door, the smell of warm sick hit her.
“ Eeyuk, gross,” she said.
“ It’s alright for you,” said Ray. “ I’m wearing it. Has anyone got a change of clothes?”
Everyone looked at each other.
“ I didn’t think of that,” they all said.
“ Well, I can’t travel in my car anymore. It’s a right off.”
“ And you ain’t getting in my tank, stinking like that,” said B. “ You’ll have to strip down to your underwear until we can find something.”
“ Terrific,” groaned Ray, but knowing he didn’t have a choice, he peeled his clothes off, and climbed aboard the tank.
“ Sit on the outside,” said B. “ It’s a warm day, and there must be somewhere around here, where we can find you some clothes.”
Ray sat uncomfortably on the tank, for two reasons. He was uncomfortable because he was almost naked. In front of a young child, as well. But also, because the tank was bloody uncomfortable to sit on.
Once the car had been untied, and left on it’s roof to rot, the tank and it’s happy ( ish ) crew set off, and bounced across the field toward what looked like a roadside café.

***

With Barry, Nev and Fergus back in the van, they set off toward the motorway that would take them north to Scotland.
Justtin and Zed had decided that it was best if they didn’t tell Barry about the tank. The less he knew, the less he could worry about. Justtin was scanning all the time, and that put Zed’s mind at ease. He was secretly worried that the tank would open fire, and wanted to keep his distance.
Barry was bored and wondered if the radio worked. He asked Fergus to try it for him. Fergus duly obliged, and Radio One filled the van with pop music.
“ This stuff is so boring,” said Zed. “ I wish we had some way of listening to Van Halen.”
“ We do,” said Justtin.
“ Eh? How?” asked Zed, suddenly excited.
“ I recorded it onto my hard drive.”
“ I’m sure you know what you’re talking about, but I don’t,” said Zed. “ Can you explain?”
Justtin opened a small panel on his side and showed Zed a small cable with a jack plug on the end.
“ Dad fitted this ages ago, and to start with I didn’t have a clue what it was for, until recently. When he gave me the newest chip, certain things made more sense. I learnt all about mum, how to use night vision and how to record things. All I did was plug this jack plug into B’s stereo, and away I went.”
“ That’s brilliant,” said Zed, genuinely impressed. “ Can we hear it now.”
“ Just a sec.” And that was all it took. Van Halen filled the van, and the radio was switched off.
“ So, what did you learn about my mum?” asked Barry the robot.
“ That she passed us, about five minutes ago,” said Justtin.
“ Really?” said Barry, a bit surprised. “ Where do you think she’s going?”
“ Probably back to Scotland,” said Justtin. “ There’s nothing to stay down here for. She’ll probably go back and wait for news there.”
“ It makes sense,” said Zed. “ Your dad’s missing, and you’re trying to find him. Why hang around?”
“ She could have stayed with Aunt B and Penny,” said Barry.
Zed looked at Justtin, just to make sure he didn’t give anything away.
“ Maybe she thought of that, and decided to leave anyway,” said Zed.
“ I’m sure we’ll find out when we see her,” said Barry, not noticing anything going on between Zed and the robot.
“ So,” Barry went on, “ what else did you learn about my mum?”
“ She’s got enormous tits,” said Justtin.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ Sorry,” said Justtin, after realising what he’d said. “ That’s probably not what you meant, is it?”
“ What?” said Barry again.
“ We’re having another ‘what’ day, are we?” said Justtin.
“ What?” said Barry without realising.
Zed threw his walking stick at Barry, but missed him.
“ What?” said Barry, looking at the stick.
“ I think the tin man is right,” said Fergus. “ Enormous, they were. Mind you, these rear view mirrors are a bit grubby. I couldn’t see all of them.”
“ What?”
“ Rear view mirrors?” said Justtin. “ I didn’t see those. They might come in handy.”
“ What for,” said Barry, finally snapping out of his trance.
“ For seeing my rear, what else?” said Justtin. This seemed perfectly logical to Justtin. Barry couldn’t see the funny side.
“ What?”
“ This sounds like my kind of conversation,” said Fergus.
“ Justtin?” said Zed, getting bored with that kind of conversation.
“ Yes,” replied the robot.
“ Turn the music up. I can’t hear Eddie’s guitar solo.”
Justtin did as he was asked, and that kind of conversation died.
In one respect, the next part of the journey was a lot quieter.
As far as Zed was concerned, the journey wasn’t loud enough, as Eddie played guitar.

***

“ Have you tried the walkie-talkie?” B asked Penny.
“ Not yet,” said Penny. “ I haven’t had time.”
“ Well, while he’s looking for some clothes to cover that puny body, we can give it a go.”
“ Ok,” said Penny, as she jumped down from the tank and walked toward the same café the boys had been to, only twenty minutes earlier.
“ Zed? Barry? Justtin? Can any of you hear me?”
They all heard the call, but in their infinite wisdom, chose not to answer. They hoped to make Penny and Aunt B believe that they were out of range, and so far it was working.
“ They’re not answering,” said Penny. “ They must be out of range.”
“ Nonsense,” said B. “ That bloody robot can hear you.”
“ How do you know?” asked Penny innocently.
“ Coz he never switches off,” said B taking the walkie-talkie from Penny.
“ Justtin. I know you can hear me,” she said. Justtin and the boys went cold at the sound of Aunt B’s voice. This was easier for Justtin, because metal is cold to start with.
Zed switched his radio set off, and Barry quickly followed suit.
“ You deal with it,” said Barry, passing the responsibility to the robot.
“ I don’t have to,” said Justtin. “ If I don’t answer, she may think I’ve been switched off too.”
“ And don’t pretend you’ve been switched off, coz I know you haven’t,” said B.
Justtin had had enough.
“ How do you know?” he said.
“ Aha! Got you.”
“ Big deal,” said Justtin. “ I’m so scared.”
“ You will be, you giant bucket,” said B. “ When I get hold of you I’m going take a large tin opener…”
“ Get to the point,” said Justtin, cutting B off before she got to the juicy bit.
“ Why was it so important to leave us behind?”
“ Wasn’t my idea,” said the robot. “ You should speak to your nephew.”
“ I don’t want to talk to her,” said Barry.
“ Garry.” Said B. “ Talk to your old Auntie, there’s a good boy.”
Barry switched his walkie-talkie back on.
“ It’s Barry, Auntie,” the boy said.
“ That wasn’t very nice was it,” Aunt B started. “ Did you really think you’d be able to go to Scotland without Penny and I? Especially after what we’ve been through.”
“ We don’t have enough room for everybody,” said Barry. “ I didn’t want to upset anyone, but I just thought it would be easier to do this on my own.”
“ With Zed and the robot, and the two old boys from the pub. That’s hardly on your own, is it?”
“ I suppose not,” said Barry, running out of things to say.
“ Where are you, exactly?” B asked.
“ I dunno,” replied Barry, and that was the truth. He looked to Fergus for a clue, but Fergus just shrugged.
“ I thought you were navigating,” Zed asked.
“ I don’t have a map,” said Fergus, “ but there’s a service station up ahead. I’ll get one there.”
“ Did you hear that?” Barry asked B.
“ Yes,” said B. “ It all sounds very professional.”
“ I’m only doing what I thought was best,” said Barry.
“ Well,” said B, “ we might not be as quick as you, but we are going to Scotland as well. I should imagine Penny will want to have words with Zed. She’s not a happy girl at the moment.”
“ Oh, great,” said Zed. “ So we’re all gonna get an ear bashing.”
“ At least you don’t have to worry about them firing at us now,” said Justtin.
“ What?” said Barry.
“ We knew they were behind us,” said Zed. “ We didn’t want to worry you.”
“ Oh well,” said Barry. “ It nearly worked.”
Zed looked at Barry and couldn’t believe how calm he had taken the news.
“ That was a bit cool for you,” said Zed.
“ I don’t really care about anything else. I just want to find my dad.”
“ And so do we,” said B.
Barry thought for a minute.
“ Are you still there?” B asked.
“ Yes,” said Barry. “ I was just trying to work out how you are getting to Scotland. You’re not using the tank are you?”
“ What else? Ray’s car wouldn’t get us all the way. Not enough electric, or something.”
“ Is Ray with you as well?” Barry asked.
“ And Bert,” said B.
“ Bert?” said Barry. “ What use is he going to be?”
“ He’s quite cute when he’s sober,” said B.
“ Oh well,” said Barry. “ The more the merrier.”
“ Services,” said Fergus.
Barry took a quick look out of the window and saw a signpost.
“ We’re at South Mimms Services on the A1. Is that any help?”
“ Do they do diesel?”
Barry looked out of the window again.
“ Er, yes. I think so,” said Barry.
“ Then that will do nicely,” said Aunt B.
“ We’re not stopping here for long though,” said Barry. “ I want to get to my dad.”
“ Ok,” said B. “ You push on. I’m going to have to refuel soon.”
“ And me,” said Bert.
“ Just stay in touch,” was the last thing they heard Aunt B say, as the battery in Barry’s walkie-talkie died.
“ Phew!” said Zed. “ That was close.”
“ Did you hear all that?” Fergus asked Nev. “ Raymondo is in the tank.”
“ If I remember rightly, he should be in the chair,” said Old Nev. “ It’s his round.”

***

I am not going to bore you with the motorway journey, because we all know what they’re like.
Boring.
Nothing ever happens on motorways.
Except that one occasion, when traffic was held up for almost two whole minutes, due to the ferocious Battle of Rutland, which was officially timed at 4.32 seconds and resulted in a 0-0 draw, and a broken nail.
Not much to write home about, I’m sure you’ll agree. In fact, the area of Rutland is so small, that everybody knew about it, so nobody wrote at all.
“ 2-4-6-8 Motorway” was fading in and out, as the radio reception got worse. The van had crossed the border and was now in Scotland.
“ Are we there yet?” asked Barry for the third time.
“ Not yet,” answered Fergus each time.
“ Are we there yet?” asked Zed for the fourth time.
“ Not yet,” said Fergus getting a little annoyed.
“ Are we there yet?” asked Justtin.
“ Oh, for feck’s sake,” said Fergus, now having enough.
“ It was a serious question,” said Justtin. “ I need to stretch my springs.”
“ If I get hold of your feckin’ springs, I’ll straighten them,” said Fergus.
“ What did I say?” said Justtin.
“ The same as them two,” said Fergus pointing to Zed and Barry one after the other.
“ Are you going to straighten their springs?” Justtin asked.
Fergus chose to ignore him, and wished he could do the same with the boys.
“ Are we there yet?” asked Barry, for more times than Fergus could cope with.
“ Find a pub, now,” he told Justtin.
“ First right, a hundred yards on the right.”
“ Does this Inn stink as well?” asked Fergus who was trying his best not to show his anger.
“ No,” said Justtin. “ It’s closed.”
“ What?” said Fergus, ready to explode.
“ You said find a pub, nothing more, nothing less,” said Justtin.
“ He did say now,” said Barry.
“ And I did as requested,” said Justtin. “ So what’s your problem?”
By this time, Old Nev was losing concentration because of the constant bickering. He found somewhere safe to park, and pulled the van over to the side of the road. Nev got out of the van and beckoned to Fergus to join him, for a little chat.
“ Keep an eye on them Justtin,” said Zed. “ Just in case they decide to make a run for it.”
“ Already am,” said Justtin. “ But they won’t go far.”
“ How can you tell?” asked Zed.
“ I’ve pinched Fergus’ hip flask.”
Nev pulled Fergus to one side and explained to him that it was 4 o’clock in the morning, and although a pub at this time was a good idea, this wasn’t like the pub in their village. They couldn’t just turn up whenever they wanted and help themselves. They had to wait for someone to open the pub first.
“ So let’s knock then,” said Fergus.
“ Again,” said Nev, “ that’s something that wouldn’t go down too well with the landlord. Look, I’ve got some booze stashed in the van. Let’s go and have a drink, and tomorrow we’ll start again. What do you say?”
Fergus was listening intently, but on the mention of booze, he felt his pocket.
“ It’s gone,” he said.
“ What’s gone?” asked Nev.
“ My hip flask. It must have fallen out in the van.”
“ Not a problem,” said Nev. “ I’ve got some. Just take it easy on the kids, after all, we’re doing this for them.”
“ Oh yeah, I forgot,” said Fergus. “ Come on, I’m thirsty.”
The old boys went back to the van to find Justtin wheeling backwards toward them on the road.
“ Weeeee,” went Justtin, as he flashed past. “ This is so much fun. Never had much to do with roads before.”
“ Before what?” asked Fergus.
“ Before he came to life,” said Barry. “ He’s only a couple of months old.”
“ Is that all?” asked Fergus. “ He seems so much older.”
“ He’s a computerised robot,” said Barry. “ My dad has programmed him with all his knowledge and lots of other things. He’s probably more intelligent than all of us put together.”
They all watched Justtin zooming up and down the road, spinning round and round, and performing tricks on his tracks.
“ You reckon,” said Fergus.
“ Mmm, maybe not,” said Barry.

***

As dawn broke, the smell of cooking bacon woke them. In the dark, Nev couldn’t see much, but somehow he’d managed to park the van next to a café, and it was opening time.
Barry went in first to see if the owners would accept gold coins, and returned with good news.
“ For ten gold coins, we can eat all we want,” he said.
“ Well, each coin must be worth at least a pound each,” said Zed, whose estimation was miles from the real value. “ That sounds like a bargain to me.”
“ Gold coins?” said Fergus, scratching his chin. “ What gold coins?”
“ These,” said Barry, showing Fergus a pile of almost 500 shiny gold coins.
Nev was standing next Fergus. If he’d been standing behind him, he would have caught Fergus, as Fergus swooned and fell backwards. He wasn’t out for long, as the smell of bacon got stronger. Sitting up, he looked at Barry, standing in front of him with a fist full of gold.
“ Where the feck did that come from?” asked Fergus, having found himself a new best friend.
“ I’ve got ours,” said Nev.
“ Where?” asked Fergus.
“ I’ve stashed it for a rainy day,” said Nev.
“ I hope it pisses down,” said Fergus. “ But that still don’t explain where it all came from.”
“ Come on,” said Barry. “ I’ll tell you over a cup of tea.”
And Barry did, leaving nothing out. He told the old men about the skeleton of the vicar, and of the T-34 tank, which at this particular moment, was making a mess of Manchester City centre.
“ So, Betty has a room full of gold, does she?” asked Nev.
“ Yes,” said Barry.
“ Is it heavily armed?” asked Fergus.
“ Not right now. No, why?” asked Barry.
“ Oh, nothing,” said Fergus, sipping his third hot cup of tea.
“ Look what I’ve found,” said Justtin, as he approached the table with a wing mirror, that formerly had an attachment to a Ford Capri. “ I thought I’d stick it to my head.”
“ What with?” asked Barry, suddenly forgetting his conversation with Fergus and Nev. He could tell they were up to something, but was far too dense to work out what.
“ Well,” Justtin continued, “ I wondered what this stuff was for. Now I know.”
He opened one of his panels and produced a small piece of what looked like putty.
“ This is called glue-tack. It was invented by dad, and I now know what it’s for.”
Everybody watched the robot, as he tore a small piece off and between his mechanical fingers, he squeezed and rolled the putty until it was almost flat. He then stuck the glue-tack to the base of the mirror, pushing the putty firmly into place. He then raised his arm, and pushed the mirror to the side of his head. And there it stayed.
“ It needs some adjustment, but you get the picture,” said Justtin, pleased with his discovery. “ This opens up a whole new can of worms. I can stick anything to me now.”
“ Like what?” asked Barry, slightly amused at the sight in front of him.
“ Well, steering wheels, head lamps, car aerials, gear sticks.”
Barry stopped him.
“ Hang on,” he said. “ You sound like you’ve stumbled across a wrecked car.”
“ Well I have, in a way,” said Justtin. “ I was talking to one in the car park just now. Without any warning it started up and drove itself straight into the path of a passing truck.”
“ Why? What did you say to it?” asked Barry.
“ Not much,” said Justtin. “ Well, not really. I just asked it if it ever thought of having children.”
“ Oh, brilliant,” said Barry. “ Don’t you know that machines can’t have kids.”
“ No harm in trying, is there?” said Justtin.
“ That’s sick,” said Zed. “ We’re going to have to find him something to occupy his mind. We can’t have cars committing hara-kiri all over the place.”
“ Got any idea’s?” asked Barry.
“ Well, finding your dad for a start,” said Zed. “ If we’re close enough, shouldn’t we be getting a signal?”
“ Well?” said Barry to Justtin, almost like a school-teacher wanting to know
why the homework hasn’t been done.
“ Been trying since we got here, but I ain’t got anything. He can’t be that far away though.”
Barry’s heart sank. So close, yet not close enough. If they didn’t find dad soon, he could die from his injuries, or hunger. Or worse still, dad could die from hanging upside down for too long. But Barry didn’t know about that bit, and he’s got enough to worry about, so I’m not going to tell him.
After a huge breakfast and a welcome break, 10 gold coins changed hands, goodbyes were said, and everyone piled back into the van.
They set off north, knowing that was the direction the Harrier jump jet had taken before it crashed, and Barry watched Justtin for a sign, anything that would tell him where his dad was.
“ I got something,” said Justtin, “ But it’s not dad. It’s the tank, and they’re
only 50 miles behind us.”
“ They must be taking it in turns to drive,” said Fergus. “ I wish I could do that.”
“ Why?” said Barry, “ can’t you drive.”
“ Only certain things. I can drive people mad, if that’s any help.”
“ Would have made more sense to bring Ray, or Bert for that matter,” said Nev.
“ Charming,” said Fergus, “ but I see your point.”
“ Should we stop and let them catch us up?” asked Nev.
Fergus studied his map. “ The roads north of here twist and turn all over the place. The tank would make more sense if you want to go in a straight line.”
Barry looked at Zed, and shrugged his shoulders.
“ Your choice,” said Zed. “ He’s your dad.”
Barry had to decide, and soon. Then Justtin spoke.
“ It’s just a thought,” he said, “ but when the female members of the tank crew get their hands on you two, aren’t you both, like…dead?”
“ Oh crap,” said Zed, remembering what Aunt B had said about Penny.
“ What are we going to do?” he asked Barry.
“ We’re too close to dad, for them to do anything stupid, like kill us. I say we wait, and take whatever comes.”
Nev and Fergus cheered and clapped, but not at the same time, as it would have been irresponsible of Nev to take both his hands off the steering wheel.
Nev pulled the van over to the side of the road and suggested they go back to the café, mainly because of the young filly working behind the counter. The boys agreed and back they went.
While they sat and waited, Justtin contacted B and explained that the rest of the journey would have to be made by tank.
“ Why?” she asked.
“ Ask the boy?” said Justtin passing the buck.
“ Thanks a bunch,” said Barry.
“ No problem,” said Justtin. “ I owed you one.”
“ The road ahead has too many bends,” said Barry into a walkie-talkie. “ The tank will be a lot easier.”
“ What about the tin man? There’s not enough room for him as well,” asked B.
“ I hadn’t thought of that,” said Barry.
“ We’ll be with you in twenty minutes,” said B. “ I’m sure we can come up with something. Over and out.”
Barry stared at the walkie-talkie and wondered why the chat ended so abruptly. He shrugged his shoulders and turned to face the others.
“ What’s the problem lad?” asked Nev.
“ Justtin is too big to go in the tank. That’s why we got the van in the first place. I just don’t know what to do next.”
Barry was sure that Zed would come up with something, but even Zed was looking puzzled.
“ What about that glue-tack stuff?” asked Fergus.
Barry started to laugh as he got an image of Justtin, stuck on the side of the tank, but Justtin didn’t see the funny side.
“ Don’t have enough,” he said, almost too seriously.
“ What about magnets?” asked Fergus.
Justtin started to shake.
“ What’s the matter with him?” asked Nev.
“ You said the ‘m’ word,” said Barry. “ He’s had a bad experience with them.”
“ What, magnets?” said Fergus without making the connection.
Justtin started to shake violently, and Barry was getting worried as he watched a rivet pop out of the side of Justtin’s head.
“ Stop,” yelled Barry. “ We need Justtin right now. Stop saying the ‘m’ word.”
“ What, ma..,” Fergus started, but Nev got a hand over his mouth just in time.
“ Yes, that,” said Nev.
“ Oh!” said Fergus, getting wet as he finally fell in.
Barry was talking quietly to Justtin, trying to reassure him that everything was ok, and that they should be focusing on finding dad, when the sound of a loud engine came from behind them.