The bible. Retold

I had some great idea's about this, based on some of the legendary stories that came from the bible.
There was Moses who was found in the reeds, and not as clever as we all thought, because if he'd made a flute out of the reeds, they would have found him sooner. And his original 25 tablets, that became 10 by the time he'd reached the foot of the mountain. " Thou shall not steal", read one. " Too late for that", read another. And the parting of the waves. On the Red Sea?? Are you sure?? "I'll have what he's having."
There was Noah's ark, and a boat so big he could have two of each animal on board, but no place to shit. And ducks can float, can't they???
And Jesus walked on water, with the help of scuba divers. It was just an expensive trick. He turned water into wine, although the other way round is easier.
The feeding of the 5,000, with 3 fish and 2 loaves of bread. When John his best friend and leader of his followers put an arm around his shoulder and said, " Let's get you home, you're off your face."
And the whole God thing has to take a hit too. What came first, God or fact? Fact says this is the way it's going to be. God has no reply. 500,000 people die in Tsunami in Indonesia. Still no response. Earthquakes kill thousands every year. Nothing. What does that tell, even the most stupid person out there??? God invented fact? Likely story.
The bible, simply means the book. Fact...look it up. It's a guide. When I was a roadie back in the 80's, we also lived by a bible. It told us where the nearest pub was to a motorway exit. And we lived by it, so I can see the connection, faintly.
And the damning thing about the bible, or should I say, one of the damning things about the bible, is that in it's current form, is less than two thousand years old. Not trying to be funny here, but if this book had been written in biblical times, even from the information they had been given from the son of God, by God himself/herself/itself, there would have been some mention of the dinosaurs. Or how the Planet was bombarded by meteors for hundreds of thousands of years, which ultimately led to life on earth. Where was God?? Still inventing fact?? Or trying to find a publisher?
There is so much wrong with the whole God thing. I'm not having a go at people about their belief's, because we all believe in something. I believe West Ham will stay up this season. There you go. But belief should be in something that is real, something that exists. Something that is fact.
The fact here is that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old. The bible is a book. And if I keep wittering on, this will become a book too.
The main point is, going back to the beginning of this blog, I wanted to write my own version of the stories of the bible, but have decided there's no real point. Not because of conflict or ridicule, but mainly because Eddie Izzard has beaten me to it....the bastard.