Justtin

Chapter ten
Heads up

It was mid August and Zed went to see old Nev in the village. It had been dad’s idea to make sure the villagers knew what was going on, in the hope that they might be able to help, in some small way. Zed gave Nev a walkie-talkie, and quickly showed the old boy how to use it, but Zed was convinced that Nev had other things on his mind.
“ Are you listening?” Zed asked.
“ What? Oh yeah,” said Nev. “ Er, no, not really. Sorry.”
“ What’s wrong?” asked Zed.
“ Nothing. Just old age I guess. So many other things going on.”
“ Like what?”
“ Well, for instance, have you ever seen a meteor storm?”
“ I don’t know. What is it?”
“ Well,” said Nev, “ a meteor storm is where Earth’s path crosses the tail of a long gone comet. Even though the comet itself is far away, it’s tail follows it for a very long time. The tail is made up of small rocks and dust, which burn up when they enter the Earth’s atmosphere. You end up seeing one of the best firework displays that man has ever seen.”
“ When does it happen?” asked Zed.
“ Tonight, sometime after midnight. It’s quite amazing to see, especially where you are. There’s not much light over your way, so you should get a great view of what’s going on.”
“ Cool,” said Zed. “ Will you be watching it?”
“ Don’t be silly lad. I’ll be well pissed by then.”
Zed stayed and chatted to Nev for a bit longer, and kept nudging the walkie-talkie under the old man’s nose, hoping that he’d pick it up, but his attempts were in vain. Eventually he gave up, and hoped that Nev wouldn’t need it.

***
When Zed returned to the farmhouse, he spotted the tank by the river, seemingly moving on it’s own, with Aunt B sitting on the turret, waving her golfing umbrella over her head. Zed found Barry and his dad in the front garden, deep in conversation with Justtin, about past events and the possibility of what was to come.
“ Hi,” said Zed. “ I think I’ve just seen the tank driving itself. Aunt B was on top of it.”
“ Don’t panic son,” said dad. “ Penny’s driving it.”
“ Really. I didn’t know she could drive,” said Zed, a little surprised.
“ She drives tractors all the time on the farm,” said Barry. “ I suppose they’re similar.”
“ I’d like to try that,” said Zed, thinking out loud.
“ So, did you give the radio set to old Nev,” asked dad.
“ Yes, but he wasn’t taking much notice. He was telling me about a meteor storm that’s going to happen tonight.”
“ What’s that?” asked Barry, and dad explained.
“ Sounds like fun. Can we see it?” Barry asked his dad.
“ Don’t see why not. It’s not like you have to get up for school, is it?”
“ Or anything else, for that matter,” added Zed.
Smart arse, thought dad.
Penny joined them from the barn, while Aunt B was reversing the tank into it’s parking space. As she turned the engine off, Justtin started to make a noise, that told anyone in the know, that he was scanning the immediate vicinity, but this time he was taking longer than usual.
“ Ok Justtin, tell us what you’ve got,” said dad.
“ Should have known I couldn’t fool you,” said the robot. “ I’ve picked up a weak signal. Morse code, I believe.”
“ What does it say?” asked dad.
“ Don’t know,” said Justtin. “ The signal is not strong enough, and very garbled. But at the moment, it sounds like co-ordinates.”
“ Put it on speaker for me, will you?” asked dad.
Justtin did as he was asked.
Two panels opened on Justtin’s side and a pair of small, but powerful speakers slid silently out and clicked on.
Dad listened to a weak series of dots and dashes, and started to snigger.
“ What’s so funny?” Barry asked.
“ Well, so far, I’ve heard, ‘awoid the willage’,” said dad. And the more he listened, the more he laughed.
Not only would they awoid the willage, but they turbed light at the liver, peft at the pain road, and put rookouts at the farmhorse.
“ Ok,” said dad, “ it may be hysterically funny, but I think we get the picture. I just need to find out what we’re up against. Justtin, old fella, what have we got?”
“ What, just like that?” said Justtin. “ Ok, we have, at a rough guess, three vehicles with four people in each.”
“ And that was just a guess, was it?”
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ Bloody good wasn’t it?”
“ You conceited bastard,” said dad. “ I never programmed any of this.”
“ Hang on mate,” said Justtin. “ I’ve just spent the last month having to listen to that lot. What did you expect, a theatre usher?”
“ No, but I think I would have preferred one.”
“ Oh, now you tell me. Fine. I’ll re-programme myself then, shall I?”
“ No dad,” shouted Barry. “ You promised.”
“ No I didn’t,” said dad, “ you did. But if Justtin performs the way I expect him to, then change will not be on the menu.”
“ Ooh, menu,” said Justtin. “ Mmm, breakfast, yum yum, arse, chicken.”
“ Justtin,” shouted Barry. “ Behave yourself.”
“ Er, yeah. Sorry about that,” said Justtin. “ I think they spam might be trying tits to get at knickers my system again. It’s sausages and cabbage getting out of arse control. I can’t butter help it penis.”
“ What’s wrong with him dad?” asked Barry, who was looking more than a little concerned.
“ Some form of Tourettes syndrome,” said dad switching the robot off.
Dad pulled off Justtin’s front plate and made a slight adjustment to one of his transistors, then switched him back on again.
“ You’ve no idea how good that felt,” said Justtin, who suddenly burped.
“ You’re not supposed to burp,” said dad.
“ I’m not supposed to say bollocks either,” said Justtin, “ but I still can. Anyway, I told you before, I’ve been hanging around this lot for too long.”
“ Well, never mind that now. I need to know what we have to deal with?”
“ As I said before the breakdown, well, that’s what I’m going to call it, there are three vehicles with four people in each. One vehicle has stopped a mile away, in that direction.” He pointed south. “ The other two went east, following the river.”
“ Straight towards the sea,” said Penny. “ That’s odd. There’s not even a road that way, just a dirt track.”
“ It doesn’t make any difference to this lot,” said dad. “ They’re used to dirt tracks.”
“ Tracks ‘n snacks, damage, pickled poppy’s. I like sponge,” said Justtin.
“ Zed, can you pass me that,” said dad pointing to a machine gun. Zed passed him the gun, and at that point, everybody knew what was going to happen next. Barry didn’t want it to happen, but after the way that Justtin had started acting up, it was probably for the best.
Dad took aim and closed his eyes.
Barry turned away.
Zed and Penny stood next to each other, holding hands.
Aunt B was still in the barn, getting cow dung off her wellies, with a dessert spoon. And then it happened.
CLANG!!!
Dad hit Justtin across the side of the head with the butt of the gun, and so hard, that the butt flew off and hit Barry in the shin.
“ Ahhh!” said Justtin. “ That’s got it. Thanks.”
“ No problem,” said dad, as he turned to Zed and Penny. “ And, you two?”
“ Yes,” they said together.
“ Knock it off, will you?”

***
The events of the day never actually happened, so that makes them the non-events of the day.
The mysterious people that had plonked themselves in the field a mile away, had gone very quiet. No more Morse code had been received by Justtin, who had so far, responded well to his treatment, as the children sat in the garden with dad, and watched the evening draw to a close. Once the pencils had been put away, all that was left was darkness.
“ Which way will these meteors come from?” asked Barry.
“ Up,” said Justtin.
“ Ha, bloody ha,” said dad, wishing he’d bitten his tongue, because ultimately he knew that Justtin was right.
“ So, which is it? Up, east, left. What?” said Barry.
“ Over there,” said Justtin, pointing east.
“ Ta,” said Barry. “ But when?”
“ It’s already started,” said Justtin, “ but it’s still too light. The darker it gets, the better the light show.”
Barry lay next to his dad and watched the skies. He didn’t know what to expect, but apparently it was fantastic.
And as sure as I am, that all the loony’s in Britain have recently moved to Romford, the light extravaganza started, with thin coloured streaks of light, flashing across the night sky.
And flash they did, very fast. Some big, some small and some lasting longer than others, but spectacular all the same.
Barry, Zed and Penny were watching the meteor storm, with all the ooh’s and aah’s you’d expect at a firework display, when Justtin suddenly turned toward them and said “ Oh shit!”
He’d not even finished the t, as a loud whoosh sound came over their heads, followed by a huge explosion. Mud and debris flew in every direction and covered them all.
“ What the fuck was that?” yelled dad above the din.
“ They’re landing,” said Justtin.
“ What, the meteors?” asked Barry.
“ No,” said Justtin. “ These are mortars. Slightly different spelling.”
“ Never mind that now,” said dad. “ Take cover.”
Not waiting to be told twice, the proverbial cover was taken.
Every few seconds saw another mortar make a mess of Aunt B’s garden. She hadn’t realised until now, just how clever she had been. During her grenade polishing renaissance period, she’d managed to create enough foxholes for everybody to hide in, and the chances of a direct hit on one, will be calculated some other time.
“ I’ll get the buggers for this,” she said as she came out of the farmhouse with a tennis racket in her hand.
“ What’s she going to do with that?” asked Penny.
“ Not very much, I imagine,” said Justtin.
Barry wanted to go and change his trousers, but dad held him down.
“ You haven’t farted have you?” asked dad.
“ Er, well that’s how it started,” replied Barry, trying to hide his embarrassment.
Justtin was scanning the attackers exact position, and got a fix.
“ We need the hand held rocket launchers,” he said to Zed through the walkie-talkie. “ My missiles are not good enough.”
“ Why not?” asked Zed.
“ Wrong colour. We need the pretty blue ones for this little exercise.”
“ Exercise? You’re having a laugh ain’tcha?” said Zed.
“ That would be fun,” said Justtin, “ but not right now. What we need, right now, is you to go and get the rocket launchers.”
“ Ok,” said Zed, feeling his authority was being undermined. As he got up to go, dad wanted to know where he was going. Zed had to shout at dad to make him hear, but he got the message across.
“ I’m going with you,” said dad. “ Barry, you stay put. You’ll be safer in the garden. I won’t be long.”
Barry didn’t like being left by his dad, but he knew that whatever his dad was doing, it was bound to save them.
Zed and dad ran as fast as they could, past the house and into the barn. Zed went straight to the tarpaulin and started to pull the cover off.
Everything started to go in slow motion.
He could hear the mortars falling outside, and he knew he had to be quick, but the cover didn’t seem to be moving. As hard as he tried, nothing was happening. He seemed to be losing his strength.
He was feeling very tired all of a sudden.
And then he felt the pain.
The agony.
The screaming heat of the burning pain in his leg.
He’d been hit, and as he fell backwards, dad was there to catch him. Dad lowered Zed to the floor, and lay him on his back. He looked to see where Zed was hurt, and found a large coin sized hole in the side of Zed’s right thigh. Dad tore off his shirtsleeve to make a quick tourniquet, and while tying it, he thought about what to do next. He took Zed’s walkie-talkie and called to Justtin.
“ Man down Jus. I need your help.”
“ Don’t you mean boy? Or child even?”
“ NOW,” shouted dad.
“ Alright. Keep your drawers on,” mumbled Justtin as he turned to make his way to the barn. Barry realised then, that something must be wrong.
“ No, Justtin. You stay here. I’ll go,” said the lad, and before Justtin could argue, Barry was limping, full speed toward the barn.
“ He’s quick when he wants to be, isn’t he?” said Justtin. “ I think we should move back a bit. With all these holes appearing in the garden, it won’t be long before I’m stuck here.”
Penny and Aunt B agreed, and staying close to Justtin they moved back toward the house.
Barry got to the barn and saw Zed lying flat on the floor.
“ Is he dead?” Barry asked.
“ No, just shrapnel in the leg. The bone saved him.”
“ The bastards,” said Barry.
“ Barry!” said dad in shock. “ I never taught you to swear.”
“ That’s right,” said Barry. “ There’s a lot you never taught me, and it’s never too late. But right now, I need a rocket launcher, and later, you can teach me how to use it.”

***
Old Nev and the boys were having a drunken singsong, as they had been celebrating the restoration of the pub for almost four solid days, when they heard the first explosion coming from the farmhouse.
Old Nev crawled to the table by the window and picking up the walkie-talkie, he put it to his ear and listened.
“ Can you hear anything?” asked Ray.
“ Not a bloody thing,” said Nev. “ Tell Fergus to shut up, will you?”
“ Fergus,” bellowed Ray, and it would have been a bellow as well. Ray’s 60 a day habit was taking it’s toll. And as for the fags, don’t ask.
“ What?” Fergus yelled back.
“ Nev says shut up. He’s trying to get something on the radio.”
“ What, like the light programme or summit?” said Fergus as he came to join the other two.
“ I don’t know,” said Ray. “ Must be important if there’s fireworks as well.”
“ Aye. Them youngsters know how to have a good time, don’t they?” said Fergus as he drained his glass of cider.
“ I can’t get anything,” said Nev. “ It must be broken.”
“ What’s that button do?” asked Ray.
“ Say’s on/off,” said Fergus. “ Try it.”
“ I can’t see a bloody thing without my glasses,” said Nev.
“ You don’t wear glasses,” said Ray.
“ That’s probably why I didn’t see the button then, ain’t it,” said Nev.
“ He’s a clever bugger, that one,” said Fergus. “ I’d never have thought of that.”
“ That’s why the kid trusted Nev with the radio thingy, and not us,” said Ray. “ Coz he’s got brains.”
“ Give us a hand with this thing will you,” said Nev. “ Can’t quite make it out. Which way is up?”
Ray and Fergus pointed straight to the ceiling.
“ Very funny,” said Nev. “ No, I mean on this button.”
“ Oh, right,” said Ray who was trying his hardest to focus. “ It’s that way, I think.”
“ Is that banging in my head?” asked Fergus.
“ Probably,” said Ray.
“ Bugger that,” said Fergus. “ I’m leaving it at home next time.”
“ Have you got anything yet?” Ray asked Nev.
“ Just hissing,” said Nev, as he turned every knob and flicked every switch. The hissing suddenly turned to a really loud, high pitch whistle. Everybody clasped their hands to their ears. Nev had to drop the radio to do the same. As the walkie-talkie hit the floor, it burst into life.
“ We are going to need help.”
It was Penny’s voice.
“ That’s got it,” said Nev, with a sense of triumph.
“ You never did that,” said Fergus.
“ Who bloody cares,” said Nev. “ It’s working now. Hello,” he said into the walkie-talkie, “ can you hear me?”
There was a pause of about twenty seconds, then a voice came through. It was Aunt B.
“ You’re supposed to say over,” she said.
“ Over what?” Ray asked.
Nev shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t know either.
“ Maybe she’s playing cricket,” said Fergus.
“ Hello, over,” said B.
“ Hello over, back to you,” said Nev.
“ Who is this? Over,” said B.
“ This is Nev. Under,” said Nev.
“ No. It’s over, not under,” said B.
“ Over what?” asked Nev.
“ When you finish what you are saying, you say over,” said Aunt B in parrot fashion, hoping it would help to put her point across. “ It tells the other person that you are waiting for their reply or you have finished. Over.”
“ Still sounds like cricket,” said Fergus.
“ Yes, you’re right,” said Ray. “ 6 balls is a finished over.”
“ And when you’ve finished talking, you say out,” said Aunt B.
“ Yep. That’s cricket all right,” said Ray.
“ I’ve got it now, over,” said Nev.
“ At last,” said B.
“ You didn’t say over,” said Nev. “ Over.”
“ The man is a total arse,” B said to Penny, not realising she still had her finger on the button, and old Nev heard everything.
“ You still didn’t say over, over,” he said.
“ I know,” said B, “ just testing. Now what do you want? I’m a bit busy at the moment. Over.”
“ We just wondered what all the excitement was. Lots of fireworks. What are you celebrating? Over.” Nev said.
“ They’re not fireworks,” said B as she looked at Penny, raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes. “ Dozy prat,” she said.
“ Well, what are they then?” Nev asked innocently.
“ Just mortars,” said B, “ but I don’t know where they’re coming from.”
“ I do,” said Justtin.
“ Yes, we know you do,” said B, “ but the rest of us are struggling to catch up.”
She spoke to the walkie-talkie.
“ Any chance of some help? Over.”
“ Seeing as you put it like that, how can I possibly resist. What do you want us to do?”
“ A nice sandwich would be nice,” said B.
“ I think I should talk to them,” said Penny.
“ Ok,” said B. “ I’ll go and put the kettle on. Tell them I want cheese.”
“ Hello Nev. It’s Penny here. Over.”
“ Who is it?” asked Fergus.
“ It’s the lass from the farm. Young Jamie Bond’s girl. Hello love, what’s up?”
“ Mortars, mostly. But they keep coming down. We’re going to need your help.”
“ Mortars?” said Fergus. “ It’s not our help you need. It’s the feckin’ military you want.”
“ Nah,” said Ray. “ They’re away on manoeuvres. I saw them leave this morning. They used that old number 10 bus that used to be in the pub car park.”
“ Did they get it going again, then?” asked Fergus.
“ I s’pose so,” said Ray.
“ Quiet, you two,” said Nev. “ I’m trying to work out what the girl is saying. The mortars are making a bit of a racket.”
“ I can’t hear you,” Penny was saying. “ These mortars are coming in thick and fast.”
“ Maybe there’s two,” said Fergus.
“ Two what?” asked Ray.
“ Two mortar positions. That would explain why they’re coming in so fast.”
“ Makes sense,” said Nev. “ Did you hear that, Penny?”
“ Hear what?”
“ There are probably two mortar positions,” said Nev.
“ Ah,” said Justtin. “ Yes. That’ll be it. Mmm, two. Mmm, didn’t see that coming. Well, if that’s the case, I can only detect one, so they must be close together.”
“ So, what do I tell Nev?” Penny asked the robot.
“ Tell the boys to get another pint in and I’ll get back to them.”

***
Dad covered Zed with the tarpaulin and looked for a box marked rocket launchers. He didn’t have to look too far, as Zed had stacked the boxes alphabetically. That’s easy enough, he thought. As he stared at the boxes, he noticed that some were marked L, and some R. Dad scratched his head. Left and right, he assumed correctly. He wanted to make sure, but he wasn’t going to get any sense out of Zed. He was delirious, and mumbling. It was impossible to understand what Zed was saying, but it made sense to Zed, and that’s what counted.
“ Come on dad,” shouted Barry. “ I haven’t got all day.”
As Barry finished talking, there was a loud explosion in the vicinity of the house.
“ What was that?” Barry shouted at his walkie-talkie.
“ They’ve hit the house,” Penny shouted back.
“ Oh great. Dad, hurry up. Where about’s Pen?”
“ Don’t worry deary, it was only your room,” said Aunt B.
Barry tried to picture the mess, but all he got was an image of the hamper, with a set of little wings and a halo, floating towards the heavens. Snap out of it Barry, he thought to himself.
“ Where’s Justtin?” asked Barry.
“ He’s talking to those nice men at the pub,” said Aunt B. “ He’s probably getting more sense out of them, than I did.”
“ And vice versa,” added Penny. “ We’re on our way to you.”
“ Ok. Justtin? What’s going on?” said Barry loudly into his radio.
“ Oh, just a little war. Not much really.”
“ Glad to hear it,” said Barry. “ Listen, Zed’s been hurt. He’s got a lump of metal, or something stuck in his leg. Can you take care of it?”
“ I guess so,” said Justtin. “ What will you be doing?”
“ I’m going to put a stop to this racket,” said Barry. “ I’m getting a headache.”
Aunt B and Penny made it to the barn, and Penny knelt down beside Zed.
“ He’s really hot,” she said.
“ Leave it out, Pen,” said Barry. “ There’s a time and a place.”
“ No, she’s right,” said dad. “ He’s burning up. He needs help, now.”
Justtin entered the barn.
“ Make way,” he said. “ I’ll deal with this.”
“ Are you sure?” said Penny.
“ Trust me. I’m a doctor,” said Justtin.
While all this was going on, dad was trying to get the lid off one of the boxes marked rocket launchers, almost to the point of losing some of his fingernails. Justtin was fully aware of the situation and made a decision. He left Zed and moved as fast as his tracks would take him. He stopped next to dad and a panel on his side opened quietly. From inside the panel, a small arm, with a large screwdriver looking object attached, extended fully, and with a quick twist, the lid of the box flipped upwards.
“ Nice one Justtin,” said dad.
“ The pressure was all mine,” said Justtin, who turned his attention back to Zed.

***
Nev, Ray and Fergus decided there was nothing else for it. They had another drink.
“ Dutch courage,” said Ray.
“ I like some of those Dutch beers,” said Fergus.
“ And cheese,” said Ray.
“ I’m not sure about Dutch elm disease, though,” said Fergus. “ Plays havoc with my kitchen table.”
“ What are you two gassing on about?” asked old Nev, who was now so drunk that both his eyes were in one socket, and still looking in different directions.
“ Look,” said Fergus. “ He’s got blue eyes.”
“ That’s right,” said Ray. “ One blew east and the other blew west.”
“ You pair of silly buggers,” said Nev. “ You can’t take the piss out of me.”
“ Only coz nature beat us to it,” said Fergus.
“ Come on,” said Nev. “ We’ve got to help those kids. It’s a matter na-ash importansh.”
“ Nothing wrong with a bit of nash pride,” said Fergus.
“ Thash ri-ight,” Nev hiccupped. “ We’ve gotta do this for King and coun-untry.”
“ I think you mean Queen,” said Ray.
“ Yes, tha-at,” said Nev as he picked up a three legged bar stool. Ray had a rough idea of what Nev was going to do, so he went out to the beer garden.
“ Where’s he off to?” asked Fergus.
“ I dunno,” was the best that Nev could manage.
While they were waiting, Fergus poured himself another pint of One Sin.
“ Ain’t you ha-ad enough cider?” asked Nev.
“ You do talk a load of bollocks when you’re drunk,” said Fergus. “ How can you ever have enough One Sin cider? I ask you?”
Ray came stumbling back into the bar, carrying a large umbrella.
“ Tha-at’s very impreshive,” said Nev.
“ Yeah. I thought I could stick it up somebody’s arse, and open it,” said Ray.
“ Then I noticed the other end has a point. That’s twice the fun.”
“ The mind of a genius,” said Fergus. “ And it’ll come in handy if it starts to rain. So, what should I take?” He started looking round for a weapon.
“ It better be something good,” said Ray. “ We don’t know what’s out there.”
“ It’s getting feckin’ noisy. I know that’s out there,” said Fergus, still looking. Suddenly his eyes fell on a huge toby jug. He picked it up to test the weight.
“ Not heavy enough,” Fergus said and reached over the bar to pour himself a refill.
“ That’s better,” he said, as he tested the liquid filled jug.
“ What happens if you spill some?” asked Ray.
“ Well, if I spill it on my arm, it’s not a problem, coz my arm will get heavier.”
“ What if you miss your arm?” asked Ray.
“ Easy,” said Fergus. “ I’ll use my other one.”
“ This genius stuff must be rubbing off,” said Ray.
They both turned to where old Nev had been, but he was there no more. He’d been sitting at the table by the window, listening to the walkie-talkie, when the drink caught up with him, and he slumped forward, face first into an ashtray.
“ Oi!” shouted Fergus in Nev’s ear.
Bleary eyed, Nev sat up quickly, with a cigarette butt glued to his left eyelid and ash down the side of his face. As he turned to look at the other two, he had a matchstick stuck to his chin, aided by his own dribble, and a peanut wedged in his nose.
“ He’s looking better already,” said Fergus.
“ Up you get,” said Ray, as he helped Nev to his feet.
“ Fanksh,” said Nev, and the three of them stumbled out of the pub into the night air, armed with a three legged bar stool, a beer garden umbrella and a toby jug.
“ We’re on our way,” Ray said to the walkie-talkie.

***
“ They’re on their way,” said Penny.
“ Who are?” said dad.
“ The men from the pub. They’re going to have a go at the second mortar position.”
“ There’s two?” said dad.
“ Sorry,” said Justtin. “ Forgot to mention that.”
“ Nice,” said dad. “ Anything else you’ve forgotten to mention?”
“ Yes,” said Justtin. “ The submarine.”
“ What?” everyone said in unison.
“ There’s a submarine,” said Justtin, “ sitting one mile off the coast.”
“ That explains where the other two vehicles were heading,” said Penny.
“ That also explains how they managed to move their equipment about, virtually undetected,” said dad.
“ I knew,” said Justtin.
“ For how long?” asked dad in disbelief.
“ Since before my breakdown,” said Justtin. “ But I have dealt with it.”
“ How?”
“ I sent a message to the Military. I expect a response any second now. Ah, here it comes.” And true to his word, his screen displayed the response from Whitehall. Two interceptor helicopters have been dispatched. ETA 5 minutes.
“ Ok,” said dad. “ That’s that sorted, but what about the other mortar position?”
“ Oh yes,” said Justtin. “ Barry?”
“ Yep.”
“ Take your rocket launcher and go to the door.”
Barry was as nervous as he’d ever been, but he did as he was told. At the back of his mind, he was worried that his clumsiness would let him, and the others, down.
“ Look to your left,” said the robot. “ Can you see the moon?”
“ Is that it?” said dad.
“ I haven’t finished,” said Justtin, the same way somebody would say something through gritted teeth.
“ Oh! Sorry,” said dad, feeling a bit embarrassed.
“ Look at the moon,” Justtin continued. “ Just to its right, and up a bit, is a star. You can’t miss it. It’s shining.”
“ Ooh, I like stars,” said Penny.
“ I like sponge,” said Aunt B.
“ Will you two shut up, and let me concentrate,” said Barry. “ Ok Jus, go on.”
“ Thank you very little,” said Justtin. “ If my calculations are right, all you have to do is aim at that star, and you should hit the target.”
“ And if I don’t?”
“ Let’s find out,” said Justtin.
Barry didn’t know what to expect, but he was willing to give it a go. He raised the rocket launcher upward and looking through the site on its top, he picked out the star that Justtin had told him about, and sweating bucket loads, he squeezed the trigger.
There was a forceful whoosh, which sent Barry backwards and made him fall over. But the missile was on its way, and within a few seconds, had hit its target, destroying the mortar and killing the two men that were operating it.
Barry sat up.
“ Did I get them?” he asked.
“ You sure did,” said Justtin. “ Nice shot. One down, one to go.”
Barry had a smile wider than the river, as he was congratulated by Penny and Aunt B, and he got a huge hug from his dad.
“ Bloody marvellous,” said dad, “ and that was all based on guess work was it?”
“ Well, without actually being there, it was the best I had,” said Justtin. “ But of course, if you can do better?”
“ Ok Justtin, I get the picture,” said dad, getting the picture. “ Now we should get back to sorting Zed out.”
“ Already on it,” said Justtin.

***
Out in the field, and propping Nev up, Ray and Fergus watched the explosion that wiped out the first mortar position, and in the light that followed, they spotted the second.
Keeping low, they struggled toward their target, dragging Nev by his collar.
“ Get off,” said Nev.
“ Shh!” said Fergus as he clapped a hand over Nev’s mouth.
“ You’ll wish you hadn’t done that,” whispered Ray.
“ I already do,” Fergus whispered back. “ But we’ve got to keep the bugger quiet, or they’ll kill us first. And we don’t want to let the little people down, do we?”
“ Little people?” said Ray. “ I didn’t know you kept leprechaun’s?”
“ Don’t start,” said Fergus. “ This is serious.”
Ray went quiet and the three of them crept slowly to within a few feet of the remaining mortar position. Whoosh! went the next shell.
Ray tapped Fergus on the shoulder and pointed to his watch.
“ Time the gaps in between each one,” he mouthed.
“ Ok,” Fergus mouthed back.
One, two, three, four, five, whoosh.
One, two, three, four, five, whoosh.
Every count of five, another shell was fired out of the mortar. Ray could only make out the figures of two men, so assumed that it was going to be easy. And it would have been if Nev hadn’t given them away.
“ Where’s my fag’s?” he shouted.
“ Oh bugger,” said Fergus, which is exactly what one of the men said in his own language, as he realised he was being watched.
Ray was the first to react, as he stood up and charged the men with his umbrella, and with Fergus in hot pursuit, waving his half-empty jug. Nev tried to stand up, but fell sideways into the dirt.
As Ray reached the two men his umbrella opened and he hit both of them, knocking the men to the ground. Fergus went to his left, and smashed his jug on one of the Iraqi’s heads, while Ray was sticking his umbrella handle into the other’s throat.
When Nev finally got to his feet, and staggered to where the other two were waiting, it was all over. The two dead men were having their pockets rifled by Fergus, and Ray said a silent prayer.
“ Amen,” he finished and looked at Nev. “ Thanks for your help,” he said.
“ Here,” said Fergus. “ Take these.”
He passed Nev a small red and white packet.
“ What are they?” Nev asked.
“ You left your fags in the pub. You might as well have his. He won’t be needing them.”

***
Zed moaned as Justtin repaired his leg, with Penny’s help. Between them, they had managed to remove a small piece of metal and some dirt from the wound, when everyone noticed that the noise had stopped outside.
“ All quiet on the western front,” said Ray over the walkie-talkie.
“ Eastern actually,” Fergus was heard to say, in the background.
Barry took the responsibility, and replied.
“ Are you ok?” he asked.
“ Don’t you worry about us,” replied Ray. “ We’ve all had a skin full, so we probably wouldn’t have felt anything if we were hurt. Are you all ok?”
“ Zed got some shrapnel in his leg,” said Barry. “ But the rest of us are ok. Just shell shocked and tired. We can’t thank you enough, but we will find a way.”
“ As long as Betty doesn’t do any cooking,” said Fergus.
“ I’m going back to the pub,” said Ray. “ I don’t suppose they’ll want their umbrella back.”
“ Oh, shit,” Nev was heard to say.
“ What’s the matter with him?” asked Barry.
“ He’s just found out his favourite toby jug is broken,” said Ray. “ We’ll see you all soon.”
“ Ok,” said Barry. “ Over and out.”
Justtin finished cleaning Zed’s wound and bandaged him up.
“ All done,” he said. “ And a nice tidy job, even if I say so myself.”
“ Now you can help me get the lids off some of these boxes,” said dad.
“ Only if you ask nice,” said the robot.
“ Trust me to program in good manners,” said dad.
“ Waiting,” said Justtin, not backing down.
“ Ok. Justtin, would you please, if it’s not too much of a problem, you know, if you’re not too busy, that is, if there is the slightest possibility, of you, maybe assisting me in the removal of some, if not all, of these lids?”
“ Bit over the top, isn’t it?” said Justtin, who went to assist dad, with the removal of some, if not all, of those lids.