Justtin

Chapter 6
The secret in the barn

The following morning started the same as any other, except the huge explosion that almost blew the two boys out of their bed.
Zed, assuming he was under attack, rolled sideways off his bed, and made a grab for the machine gun, that he’d put under his bed for emergencies. It wasn’t there.
Meanwhile, Barry, with a shocked expression, and hair to match, was looking out of the bedroom window at the carnage below. He spotted Aunt Betty lying face down in the garden, next to a large hole, and smothered in dirt. Her left welly was laying several feet to her left, with a large hole in it, where her foot should have been.
“ Oh shit! She’s dead,” shouted Barry, and quickly getting dressed, he rushed downstairs and out into the garden.
Aunt B was just regaining consciousness, and beginning to sit up.
“ Look at my boot,” she said, swatting at the twittering birds that only she could see.
“ Never mind your boot,” said Barry. “ Where’s your foot?”
“ Oh, never mind that old thing,” said Aunt B. “ I lost my foot during the Second World War, trying to kick a grenade back to the Germans.”
She stopped and breathed out a happy sigh.
“ Great times,” she said. “ Anyway, I’ve had a wooden leg ever since. I’ll get a spare in a minute.”
Barry was astounded. He had no idea. All this time, and he had no idea at all. He wasn’t sure if he should ask the next question, but being Barry, he did anyway.
“ So, Auntie,” he started cautiously. “ What, er, happened? You know, here, just now?”
“ Well, I was polishing a hand grenade, and I dropped it,” she said looking around for her dusty rag. “ Without thinking, I tried to kick the little bugger, and it just, sort of went off.”
“ Unbelievable,” said Barry.
“ I’m going to need some help back to the kitchen, Bobby,” said B.
“ It’s Barry, Auntie. And before you go anywhere, I’ll go and get your spare leg, if you tell me where it is.”
“ It’s in the cupboard under the stairs,” said B.
“ I should have guessed. That’s where most people keep their junk,” said Barry without thinking.
“ That’s as maybe, young Billy, but my junk is better than most.”
“ If you say so,” said Barry as he turned toward the house, in search of a leg.
***
Zed came down the stairs to be greeted by the mess that Barry had made.
“ What are you doing?” Zed asked.
“ I’m trying to find Aunt B’s spare leg,” said Barry, as if it was an every day thing.
“ I wish I’d never asked,” said Zed, but it was too late, as Barry told him what had happened.
Silly cow, thought Zed. Why did they ever let her out? And more to the point, what will happen next?
Zed went out into the garden to talk to B, while Barry continued to hunt the elusive leg.
“ Been having fun,” Zed asked B.
“ Oh, yes deary. Nothing quite like a good bang, first thing in the morning, to clear your sinuses.”
“ I’ll take your word for it,” said Zed. She is seriously disturbed, he thought. Maybe I can change the subject, without her noticing.
“ So, do you have any idea what happened to the gun that was under my bed?”
“ Oh, that,” she said.
It worked, he thought.
“ I was sweeping up yesterday. I had to move it,” she said.
“ Ok,” said Zed. “ Can you tell me where to?”
“ Of course, deary,” said B. “ It’s hanging up in the wardrobe.”
“ Figures,” said Zed. “ I’m gonna have to try and find somewhere else to put it.”
“ All I could find was this,” said Barry as he walked toward them, carrying a thick table leg.
“ That’s it,” said B. “ That’s the spare.”
“ You’re joking,” said Barry. “ It’ll never fit. It’s too long, for a start.”
“ We’ll see,” said B. “ Give it here.”
She strapped the table leg into place and put her arms out for the boys to pull her up. As she was pulled up into a standing position, she leaned to one side.
“ Perfect,” she said. Zed and Barry looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.
“ What can you do?” said Barry.
Zed shook his head and walked back toward the house, with Barry close behind him. Aunt B would have loved to have joined them, but for some unexplained reason, she was going round in circles.
Barry went to the barn to check on Justtin, and Zed went back to the bedroom to try and find a new hiding place for his machine gun.
And try he did.
He tried putting the gun under his pillow for a few days, but he was waking up with his neck at odd angles, and every morning his neck was taking longer to straighten.
So then he tried sleeping with the gun in his bed, but during one particularly restless night, he managed to knock the safety catch off. While tossing and turning, he got his finger stuck on the trigger, and the resulting burst of gunfire almost removed his nose, and made a serious mess of his pillow.
Needless to say, the gun ended back under the bed, with a label tied to it, which read; This is the property of Zed Hercules. Do not touch.
As if Aunt B was going to take any notice of that.
***
And the days carried on, as they had begun. Starting too early, and finishing, when most of us, are too tired to care less.
In no time at all, more and more holes were appearing in the garden, and the Ministry was becoming increasingly concerned about the cost.
Zed came off the phone with a worried look.
“ Now what?” said Barry.
“ Not much. Just two minor things,” said Zed.
“ Do I have to guess?” asked Barry.
“ Not really. Why?”
“ Coz it’s such a boring game,” said Barry. “ So what’s first?”
“ Er, well they’ve had to move your folks again.”
“ Why?” asked Barry showing some concern.
“ Coz they’re closing in.”
“ Who are?”
“ You know, them.”
“ And that’s minor is it?” said Barry, wondering why Zed thought so little about the situation. He’d never been in this position before, and wanted Zed to show a bit more concern. As if.
“ What’s second?” Barry added.
“ The Ministry want us to keep B away from the grenades, or we’re going to run out.”
“ Well that can’t be right. I checked everything this morning. Nothing is missing.”
“ Are you sure?” asked Zed.
“ Ah! Trust! It’s so reassuring. Yes I’m sure. I checked it all this morning,” Barry repeated.
“ So, where the hell is it all coming from?”
“ I don’t know. You’re the secret bloody agent, you find out.”
“ All right then, I will,” huffed Zed, and with that he stomped off to practise his detective training.
All alone, Barry wondered what to do next. I know, he thought. I’ll go and see Justtin. He’ll know what’s going on. And off he sauntered to the barn, in search of his favourite metal friend.
But when he found Justtin, the sight in front of him wasn’t what Barry was expecting. Justtin was leaning on an old disused tractor, with his right arm caressing it’s engine, and he appeared to be sniffing in the fumes from the old farm vehicle, that had obviously seen better days.
“ What are you doing?” Barry asked the robot.
“ Erm, I dunno,” said Justtin, who was still having trouble showing his embarrassment. “ Ever since I had that new chip fitted, it’s kinda weird, you know, but I have this thing for anything mechanical.”
“ I don’t understand,” said Barry.
“ I don’t understand it either,” said Justtin, “ but hey, I’m gonna enjoy it.”
Barry was far too confused. And he wasn’t even going to try and guess what was going on, so he changed the subject.
“ Where is Aunt B getting her hand grenades from?” he asked.
“ You’re standing on it,” said Justtin, glad that he didn’t have to explain anything else.
“ Standing on what?” said Barry, not understanding.
“ There’s a trap door, underneath where you are standing,” said Justtin, whose screen suddenly burst into life.
Intruder Alert. Three unknown life forms have entered the vicinity from the south. Take evasive action.
“ Oh goody. Action time,” said Justtin.
“ Why, what’s happening?” asked a panicky Barry.
“ We have visitors.”
“ Who?”
“ I don’t know. Should I go and ask them?”
“ No, use your scanners.”
“ Oh yeah.”
After a few seconds, Justtin finished scanning the intruders.
“ Well, whoever they are, they’re not armed. Unless you call a clay pipe a weapon. Local’s, I think you call them.”
Barry was a bit apprehensive, remembering Penny’s speech about the people from the village not being very happy with him.
“ What do they want?” he asked.
“ Look, I might be good, but I’m not that good.”
“ Whatever,” said Barry. “ Let’s go and see what they want.”
“ Far out,” said Justtin.
“ Really,” said Barry. “ How far?”
“ Just a figure of speech.”
“ Oh. Right.”
What a tit, thought Justtin.
***
Three old men from the local village had been nominated to come forward and thank Zed and the Ministry, and anybody else they could find willing to listen, for the restoration of the local pub.
One of them, was so overcome with emotion, he couldn’t stop crying.
“ I can’t stop crying,” said the old boy, who introduced himself as Nev. “ I’m so bloomin’ happy. I’ve been drinking in that pub nigh on fifty years.”
“ That’s right,” said the second codger, called Ray. “ We celebrated your fourteenth birthday there, didn’t we? Absolutely slaughtered we were.”
“ Ar,” they all nodded.
“ And what about the time, that bloke Bert came up from Romford for the day,” continued Ray. “ He was some kind of T.V. personality, or something. He made me laugh when he fell through the door and said ‘Too much to drink please barman’.”
The three old boys nodded in agreement and remembrance.
Barry sat there totally gobsmacked.
“ I come from Romford,” he said. “ It’s my hometown. And I’ve heard of that Bert, as well. He’s world famous in Romford.”
“ Aye, a lot of good has come from Romford,” said Nev.
“ Like what?” asked Ray.
“ Snooker,” said old Nev. “ Some bloke called Dave Stevens, or something.”
“ Ah yes,” said Ray. “ He was world champion of Essex, once.”
“ See, that’s what I’m saying.” Said Nev. “ Lovely part of the world.”
“ Arseholes,” added the third, who had remained silent to this point, mainly due to the huge hangover he was nursing.
“ What?” said Nev.
“ I thought I’d add something. Well, I haven’t spoken yet.”
“ Yeah, but Fergus,” for that was his name, “ why arseholes?”
“ Oh, yes. Sorry about that. I was just thinking about the state of my head, and that was the only thing I could think of,” said Fergus, looking up and focusing, briefly, on the huge metal man that stood in front of him.
“ Jesus H. Christ,” he said in his thick Irish accent. “ You almost gave me a feckin’ heart attack, so you did.”
“ Mind your language in front of the lad,” said Ray.
“ No, that’s ok. I don’t mind. Really,” said Barry, enjoying the company of his new friends.
“ Thank you,” said Fergus. “ And bollocks to you,” he said pointing to Ray.
“ Well, thanks again lad, but unfortunately its time we left you to it,” said old Nev, handing an empty glass back to Barry, “ and thanks for the home made wine. What was it again?”
“ Tea and gherkin,” replied Barry.
“ Feckin’ hell,” said Fergus. “ If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have bothered.”
“ Sorry about that,” said Barry, a little embarrassed. “ And I’m sorry about your pub, as well. It was an accident. Just one of those things.”
“ Ah! One of those there things. We see that happening a lot ‘round here, don’t we boys.”
They all nodded together.
“ Like what?” Barry asked, without trying to give too much away.
“ Oh! The comings and goings to this place, for a start,” said Nev.
“ We see the vans and cars all the time,” said Ray. “ They have to come through the village, and we’ve got nothing better to do.”
“ Just call us nosey bastards, if you like,” said Fergus.
“ You know where we are, if you need our help,” said Nev.
“ Thanks,” said Barry, “ but I hope it doesn’t come to that.”
“ I do,” said Justtin, trying to flex the muscles he didn’t have. “ I fancy a bit of bash and smash.”
***
After the old folk had gone, Barry scratched his head. There was something missing.
Ding! It popped in there, like an all of a sudden type thing does.
“ What trap door?” he asked Justtin.
“ Eh?”
“ You were telling me about a trap door. Where is it?”
“ Where you left it.”
“ Funny,” said Barry, who was getting used to the stupid remarks, not only from Justtin, but the others as well.
“ I’m serious, you metallic piece of crap. This could be important.”
“ Touch, touchy,” said Justtin. “ It’s in the barn, almost next to those lovely rocket launchers.”
“ I’m getting worried about you,” said Barry.
“ Meaning?” said Justtin.
“ Well, I’m getting worried about your programming, that’s all. I’m sure my dad didn’t want you to fancy other machines.”
“ As opposed to what. I can’t fancy humans, can I? It wouldn’t be right.”
“ No, I suppose not,” said Barry.
“ Look, before we go any further, can I just say, from me to you, with no one else around, you know, buddy to buddy.”
“ What?” said Barry, not knowing what to expect.
“ Please don’t change me. Please. I don’t want to be boring. I don’t. I want to have fun, lots of fun. And,” Justtin paused.
“ And?” asked Barry.
“ And I want to have sex,” said Justtin, quietly, almost a whisper.
“ What?” said Barry, not quite hearing the robot.
“ I want to have sex,” said Justtin, slightly louder.
“ What’s that when it’s at home?” said Barry with a genuine air of innocence.
“ Well,” said Justtin, trying to strike up a deal, “ If you leave me just the way I am, then maybe I will teach you all there is to know. Your dad didn’t leave much out.”
Barry was still none the wiser. He didn’t have a clue what Justtin was talking about, but not wanting to show his ignorance, he decided to answer in the only way he saw fitting for a situation such as this.
“ Yeah, whatever,” he said.
“ Right,” said Justtin, “ now we’ve cleared that up, I suppose you better follow me.”
“ Where to?” said Barry.
“ You wanted to see a trap door, didn’t you?”
“ Oh yeah,” said Barry as he fell in behind the robot’s tracks and followed him to the barn. As soon as they got there, Barry started looking for signs of a trap door.
“ It’s over there,” said Justtin, raising a metal arm, and pointing to the middle of the floor.
Barry looked as hard as he could, but he couldn’t see anything but a thin layer of old straw, which must have been swept away a million times, without exaggeration.
Justtin could sense that Barry was having a problem, so he switched on his infrared beam and scanned the floor. It all became clear to Barry. There, four feet in front of him, was the thin outline of a large wooden flap, neatly hidden in the floor.
“ Holy shit,” said Barry. “ How big is it?”
“ A square eight feet. I measured it last week,” said Justtin, matter of factly.
“ So why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“ Because nobody asked, and anyway, it didn’t seem important.”
“ It didn’t seem important,” Barry mimicked. “ Well, do you realise how important this is now?”
“ Um, don’t know yet. Can you run that past me again?”
“ Where’s your head at, Justtin? This is serious stuff. We could find all manner of things down there. Now do you understand?”
“ If you say so.”
“ I do. Now let’s see if we can get this hatch open.”
Barry saw a metal ring in one of the doors, and tried to lift it up, but the door was too heavy. Looking round, he wondered what to do next, and above his head he saw a large beam, that stretched from one side of the barn to the other. Knowing what he had to do, he went and found some rope. He threw one end of the rope over the beam, and tied it to the ring. The other end he gave to Justtin.
“ Ok, big fella. You can do the hard bit,” Barry said to Justtin.
“ Thank you so much,” said the robot, “ but it can’t be that hard if your Aunt can lift it on her own. I’ve seen her.”
“ What? When?”
“ Oh, a few times. That’s where she keeps all her ammunition.”
“ I don’t believe you. You’ve kept all this from me. I’m not impressed.”
“ Get over it,” said Justtin, as he pulled the hatch open.
“ Hello deary,” said Aunt B, as she stuck her head up through the hole in the ground.
“ Bloody hell,” said Barry clutching his chest. “ You almost gave me a heart attack.”
“ Can’t be having that, can we deary?”
“ I wondered where you were,” said Barry. “ How long have you been down there?”
“ No idea,” said B. “ Still, I’m glad you found my little secret. Come down and have a look around. Bring the tin man.”
“ Er, no thanks,” said Justtin. “ I don’t do stairs.”
“ Please yourself,” said Aunt B, as she ducked back into her hole.
“ You wait here,” Barry ordered Justtin.
“ Yes Masa,” replied Justtin. If he had a tongue, it would be firmly nestled in his cheek.
Barry chose to ignore the impertinence. Totally beneath me, he thought, and then started to wonder what else was underneath him, as he descended the stairs and followed Aunt B into a vast cavern. Our young hero to be, found himself in a huge cave, with passages going in every direction and lots of rooms, off each passage. Some of the rooms were big, some not so. This seemed strangely familiar to Barry.
“ I’ve been somewhere like this,” said Barry.
“ Of course you have,” said Aunt B. “ You came to Cheddar Gorge with me and your mum, when you were small. These caves are not as old. Man made mostly, but there’s still a lot of history here. Smugglers used to be rife in these parts, leaving their rubbish all over the place.”
“ What? You mean pirates treasure, and stuff like that?” asked Barry.
Aunt B pushed open a door and gestured inside.
“ You could say that,” she said.
Barry’s jaw dropped. He stared wide-eyed at the huge mound of gold and jewellery in front of him.
“ Wow,” he said, as his eyes bulged so much that they were almost popping out on their stalks.
“ Where did this all come from?” he asked.
“ As I said, bloomin’ smugglers, leaving their rubbish all over the place. I just put it all in one room. Sort of tidied the place up a bit. And,” she went on, “ nobody’s claimed it, so I guess that makes it mine.”
“ Cool,” said Barry, walking around with a gold crown on his head.
“ You should have brought a cardigan, if you’re cold,” said Aunt B.
“ What? Oh, forget it,” said Barry.
“ Forget what?”
She’s a fast learner, thought Barry.
As they continued their journey through the passages, Barry discovered room after room, full of ammunition.
“ You really are full of surprises, aren’t you Auntie? Where did you get all this stuff?”
“ I’m afraid I’m a bit of a hoarder,” said Aunt B. “ I’m saving it all for a rainy day.”
That still didn’t explain where it all came from, but Barry didn’t really care. He had other things on his mind. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. As he went from room to room, he could see boxes and boxes of hand grenades and guns and machine guns and rocket launchers and bazookas. The list was endless and so were the boxes. Room after room, from wall to wall, from floor to ceiling, boxes and boxes. But the thing that really stood out, above anything else, was the tank. There in all its glory, was a huge Russian built T-34. Almost new, one careful owner.
“ How the hell did that get in here?” asked Barry, absolutely stunned.
“ Oh, the removal men brought it in the back way.”
“ There’s a back way?” asked Barry.
“ Of course there is,” said Aunt B. “ The one the smugglers used to use. It comes out where your hideaway used to be. Sorry about that. I sort of crushed it, when I took the tank for a spin. I had to fill her up, didn’t I? That wasn’t cheap.”
“ But why do you need a tank?” asked Barry, missing the bit about his hideaway.
“ It seemed like a good idea at the time. A friend of mine used to work on the docks, when this little beauty turned up. It was meant to be a consignment of blankets, heading for France. The paperwork was all in Russian, and nobody could understand a word, so I convinced someone that the address on the document was mine. Some money changed hands, and they loaded the tank onto a barge, brought it along the coast and up the river to here. There were a lot of things like that happening during the war. I was just trying to be one better than the neighbours.”
“ Why, what did they have?” asked Barry.
“ An Anderson shelter.”
“ That’s amazing,” said Barry. He looked at the tank, then turned his attention to the rest of the caves.
“ What else do you have down here?” he asked.
“ Take a look,” said B, as Barry moved toward a door in a corner. Aunt B suddenly became a bit hesitant.
“ What’s wrong?” asked Barry.
“ You’ll see,” said B, as she opened the door.
Barry looked inside the dark, low room, but couldn’t see anything to start with. But as his eyes began to adjust to the light, he could make out the shape of a skeleton, wearing a dog collar, slouching in the corner.
Barry went as white as the bones he had just seen.
“ Who was that?” he asked.
“ That used to be the local vicar.”
“ Very used to be, I would say. What happened to him?”
“ It was a long time ago, and I invited him down here for some wine tasting. I went off to get some cheese and for some reason the door slammed shut behind me. Well, we both tried to get the door open but it wouldn’t budge.”
Barry was mesmerised by Aunt B’s story telling.
“ Did you go for help?” he asked.
“ Don’t be silly, Billy. It wouldn’t have mattered.”
“ Why not? And it’s Barry.”
“ Because he was a bit of a trouble maker, and didn’t have many friends. He’s the vicar in the story you told Zed, a couple of chapters ago. It’s a sort of family revenge thing, I suppose.”
“ But you liked him, didn’t you?”
“ Only when he was a good boy,” said B, with a wicked grin.
“ Oh,” said Barry, having no idea what his Aunt was inferring. “ But the door opens now.”
“ Yes, funny that. I had so many other things to do, I completely forgot about him. When I finally remembered he was there, I went and got a crow bar and prized the door open.”
“ Was he ok?” asked Barry, realising too late that it was a stupid question.
“ After five years? What do you think?”
***
“ You wouldn’t believe what I’ve just seen,” said Barry, as he slipped on the top step of the underground cavern, and banged his chin on the floor.
“ You clumsy arse,” said Zed. “ So, what have you found?”
“ Oh, just everything,” said Barry, holding his chin, and trying to stem the flow of blood, which was getting in between his fingers and dripping on the barn floor.
“ Like what?” asked Penny, giving Barry a tissue out of her pocket.
“ Thanks,” he said. “ More guns, more grenades, and a tank.”
“ A what?” asked Zed.
“ A tank. And a big bugger too.”
“ What’s a tank doing down there?” asked Penny.
“ Not very much at the moment, but that’s not all. There’s gold and jewels, and tons of it. There’s a whole room full of treasure.”
“ Eh?” said Zed, slightly confused
“ I’m serious. Come on, I’ll show you. Justtin?”
“ I know. Wait here.”
“ Got it in one. We won’t be long.”
Barry led Zed and Penny down the stairs into the cave network and showed them just about everything he had seen. He didn’t show them the dead vicar, though. There is a limit to how much you can take in one day.
Barry opened the door to the room filled with treasure, and Penny caught her breath. Zed whistled through his teeth.
“ Bloody hell,” was all he could manage.
“ So, where did it all come from?” Penny wanted to know.
“ Smugglers, apparently. Aunt B reckons it was here before she came, and seeing as no one has claimed it, that makes it hers.”
“ Cool just got ice cold,” said Zed. “ I mean, this is amazing. And to think, people take drugs to feel the way I feel at the moment. Just imagine what you could do with all this stuff.”
They all sat and thought.
“ How wonderful it would be to have a dress that fits,” said Penny, thinking out loud.
Barry was thinking of big ice creams.
Zed wasn’t. He was thinking of a nice holiday, in the Bahamas. Compass Point, to be exact. Where else? He’d been there a few years before, and always said that he wanted to go back.
He’d enjoyed the Bahamas. The sun, the sand, the people. Superb.
Of course, it had been a working holiday. His dad had been sent there on a mission, and as always, the whole family had gone as well. Free holidays were not that easy to find.
Zed’s mind was drifting back to those good times. He thought of the beach, and how hot it was. He suddenly found his throat was getting dry, and snapped back to reality.
“ I fancy an ice cream,” he said.
“ You must have been reading my mind,” said Barry.
“ No, not really,” said Zed. “ I’m off to the village.”
“ Ok,” said Barry. “ I’ll come with you.”
“ Maybe next time,” said Zed, “ I need some space.”
“ Oh, ok,” said a deflated Barry. “ Suit yourself.”
And that’s exactly what Zed did.
***
Zed went off to the village to do his thing, and Penny used the opportunity to talk to Barry, on his own.
“ I’ve been wanting to catch you on your own for ages,” she said.
Alarm bells went off in Barry’s head.
“ Really, why?” he managed, without stammering, or biting his tongue.
“ Oh, you know. Stuff.”
“ What sort of stuff?”
“ All sorts of stuff,” said Penny.
“ Well go on then,” said Barry. “ You start.”
“ Ok,” she said, “ I want you to tell me everything you know about Zed.”
The relief on Barry’s face was instant. All you had to do was add milk and sugar to taste.
“ Like what?” Barry asked.
“ Everything,” said Penny. “ You know, stuff.”
“ Don’t start that again,” said Barry. “ What exactly do you want to know?”
“ Well, how long have you known each other?”
“ I dunno. A few years. Why?”
“ And has he always had long hair?”
“ Yeah, I think so. Why?”
“ Does he live near you, in Romford?”
“ Yeah, just round the corner. Why?”
“ So,” said Penny, “ if I come to stay with you, I could go and see Zed as well?”
“ Of course, but why?”
“ You don’t half ask a lot of questions,” said Penny.
***
Zed had been gone for nearly three hours, when the van arrived in the drive. To Barry’s amazement, Zed got out of the passenger door, carrying huge bags filled with sweets and toys.
“ Wait till you see what’s in the back,” he said opening the rear doors. Barry climbed in the van and gasped at all the different things he could see. There were cola cubes, cola pips and sherbet pips and sherbet fountains, fruit salads, black jacks and bazooka joe’s, and his favourite, Aztec bars. There were bottles and bottles of pop. Tizer, cresta, corona and loads of bottles of chocolate milk.
“ Oh wow,” said Barry, when he spied the huge orange space hoppers.
“ Where did it all come from?” he asked.
“ The villagers are still extremely grateful for having their pub put back together. They gave me this,” said Zed, showing Barry a largish square box.
“ What is it?” asked Barry.
“ I’ll show you in a minute. Let’s get this stuff indoors first.”
The two boys took everything out of the van, and put most of it up in their bedroom, under the watchful eye of Aunt B, who was known for her sweet tooth.
While they were carrying the boxes up to the bedroom, Barry told Zed about Penny’s questions, and how he was convinced that Penny fancied Zed.
“ Don’t be stupid,” said Zed. “ Why would she fancy me?”
“ Well, she asked a lot of questions, so why not?”
“ I think you’re making it up,” said Zed, putting his favourite find on the bed.
“ Why would I make it up?” said Barry.
“ I’m only ten,” said Zed. “ I could do without the aggro.”
“ Suppose you’re right. So, what’s in the box?” Barry said impatiently.
“ Not so much as what’s in it, as what the box is,” said Zed.
Barry was none the wiser, as he watched Zed open the lid of the box to reveal a record player. It was one of those mono jobbies, all the rage in the 70’s, in either red or blue, or for the not so adventurous, grey. They had a built in arm that could hold 6 or 7 vinyl singles at a time. It meant you didn’t have to change the records one at a time, which also meant that you could drive your folk’s madder for longer.
Zed also managed to get some vinyl albums.
Van Halen had just released their first album, and apparently, they were really good, according to Melody Maker, so Zed got it, along with some oldies including Thin Lizzy, Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, and the popular new band AC/DC. He’d also got a couple of Queen album’s, including Sheer Heart Attack, and on hearing it, he instantly claimed it was the best he’d ever heard. Until, that is, he played the Van Halen album.
“ I’ve got to get me a stereo, man,” Zed said to no one in particular.
Aunt B was listening.
“ There’s one in there,” she thumbed toward the living room.
“ Where about’s?”
“ Come on. I’ll show you.”
She led Zed to a cabinet in the corner, and opened the doors. Zed’s chin hit the floor, bounced back up and caused his teeth to bite his tongue.
“ Where the thuck dith thath come thom?” he tried to ask.
“ It’s been there all the time. You just didn’t ask,” said B.
“ Thuck sake.”
The more Zed looked at the state of the art stereo hi-fi system in front of him, the more he was convinced he was getting an erection. Not unusual for a boy of ten, just unlikely.
“ Never mind,” said Justtin. “ That’s how I felt, the first time I saw it.”
“ Freak,” said Barry.
***
“ What a bunt,” said Zed, when his tongue had stopped hurting.
“ What?” said Penny.
“ Oh, sorry. I was thinking out loud. You know. Monty Python. When they change the C’s for B’s. What a silly bunt,” explained Zed.
“ Oh yeah,” said Penny. “ Crilliant.”
“ Hello peeps,” said Barry, entering the room.
“ Is it me?” said Penny. “ I’m having a problem trying to understand you two today. Maybe I’m just having a bad day.”
“ Well you can’t have a bad hair day, can you?” quipped Barry, much to Penny’s annoyance.
“ Have I missed anything?” Barry added.
“ No. We’re still at the bottom of the page,” said B.
“ Aunt B has a stereo?” said Zed.
“ What’s a stereo?” asked Barry.
“ It’s a radio for both ears,” said B.
“ Eh?”
“ Well, that’s almost right,” said Zed, showing his expertise in these matters.
“ Most records are done in stereo these days. If you listen to them through headphones, you can hear different sounds in each ear.”
“ Cool,” said Barry. “ Show me.”
Zed got some headphones out of a box, that he just happened to have with him, and plugged them in.
“ Here, put these on,” he said to Barry. “ I’ll play this track for you.”
Zed looked at Penny and with a grin, he winked at her.
Set to stun, Zed thought. This should be a laugh.
Penny knew he was up to something, but she didn’t know what.
Barry totally oblivious, sat with the headphones on, and quietly waited for something to happen. And it did.
DIDDLEDUM DIDDLEDUM, WHHAAAMM!!!!
Van Halen’s Eruption lived up to it’s name, as Barry felt his head fill up with magma. It was good thing he was wearing headphones, he thought, or he’d have the stuff dripping onto his shoulders.
Zed was laughing at Barry’s reaction.
“ I think that was loud enough,” said Zed.
“ Don’t be cruel,” said Penny. “ You’ll blow his eardrums out.”
“ That’ll be funny,” said Zed.
Barry could see Zed talking, but he didn’t have a clue, what about. He just grinned his stupid grin and gave Zed the thumbs up.
Zed laughed again.
“ Stop it,” said Penny, light heartedly, seeing the funny side.
“ What do you think?” Zed asked Barry.
“ Pardon?” Barry shouted.
“ I said, what do you think?”
“ Eh?”
“ Oh, for Christ’s sake. Take the headphones off.”
“ What?” was shortly followed by a slap, as Penny caught the back of Barry’s head with the flat of her hand.
Zed disconnected the headphones, and Van Halen filled the room, which caused Aunt B to pick up a broom and pretend to play guitar.
“ What was that for?” said Barry, taking off the headphones.
“ What?” asked Zed, knowing exactly what Barry was talking about, but choosing to ignore it.
“ It worked,” said Penny.
“ Yeah, nice one,” said Zed, who turned to Barry.
“ So, what do you think?”
Barry, still not sure why he had been slapped, shrugged his shoulders.
“ I don’t like it,” he said.
“ What?” said Zed. “ You must be joking. This is the future. Soon everyone will be using headphones. It’s guaranteed. And you don’t like it?”
Zed wanted to laugh, but stopped himself.
“ No,” said Barry. “ I meant I don’t like being slapped.”
“ Oh yeah, that,” said Zed. “ I promise it won’t happen again.”
Barry smiled.
“ Really. Do you mean it?” he asked.
“ Not really,” said Zed.
“ No chance,” said Penny.
“ Anyone for a toasted carrot sandwich?” asked Aunt B, who put the air broom down and started to think about her stomach.