Justtin

Chapter nine
Surprise surprise


“ And welcome back, grapple fans, to York Hall, here in Bethnal Green, for this afternoons main bout, between Mick McManus and Jackie (T.V.) Pallo,” the man on the telly said.
“ Let’s go straight to our ringside commentator, Ben Ditt.”
“ Thank you, Dickey. Yes, this is the highlight of this afternoon’s wrestling, with two of our old favourites, Mick McManus, and Jackie ( tv ) Pallo.”
“ Fantastic,” said Aunt B. “ Go on Mick, slap him.”
“ It’s not even started yet,” said Zed.
“ In the blue corner,” said the referee, “ in the black trunks, MICK MCMANUS.” They do like to shout out their names, and if I could be bothered, I’d probably try and find out why. If I could be bothered.
“ That’s my boy,” said B.
“ And on my right, in the red corner, in the black and white stripes, let’s hear it for,” ( here we go again ) “ JACKIE ( TV ) PALLO.”
“ Get off. Kick his head in, Mick,” shouted Aunt B at the screen.
“ What a joke,” said Zed.
“ Quiet,” said Barry. “ Just watch Aunt B. She really gets into it.”
“ Seconds out, round one,” said the ref.
Ding Ding, said the bell.
“ Rip his head off,” screamed B.
“ Oooh, that shouldn’t have happened,” said Ben Ditt. “ He’ll have teeth marks for days.”
“ You do know it’s fixed, don’t you Barry?” asked Zed.
“ Of course I do,” said Barry, “ but she don’t. Let her have her fun.”
“ Ok. Just saying, that’s all. And that’s a wig.”
“ No. Really?” said Barry. “ I didn’t think you were watching.”
“ Arghhh!” came from the telly.
“ Bite his bum,” yelled Aunt B.
Ding Ding.
“ That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages,” said Zed. “ It’s so obvious it’s fake.”
“ Yeah, ok Zed. You can shut up now,” said Barry. “ Considering you like magic so much, you do like to spoil an illusion.”
“ Seconds out. Round two.” Ding Ding.
“ Can’t tell them apart,” Ben Ditt was saying, “ but I’m sure that’s not legal. Oh my god, he’s grabbed his nuts.”
Aunt B was jumping up and down.
“ Flatten the bastard,” she yelled.
“ I wonder what’s on the other side,” said Zed.
Aunt B leant forward.
“ You touch that telly,” she growled quietly in his ear, “ and I’ll slap the shit out of you. Then I’ll slap you for shitting in my living room.”
The colour drained out of Zed’s face.
“ Told you, didn’t I,” said Barry. “ Tit head.”
They sat and watched the final round in silence, apart from Aunt B screaming abuse at the telly when Jackie Pallo was awarded the win. She picked up her coffee cup, and threw it at the telly, but it bounced off and caught Barry in the mouth, knocking out one of his teeth.
“ Cool,” said Barry. “ That means the tooth fairy will come.”
“ They’re not real either,” said Zed.
“ Is there anything you do believe in?” asked Barry.
“ Oh yes,” said Zed. “ Father Christmas. He’s definitely real.”

***
Earlier that day, the gym equipment had arrived and had been set up at the far end of the barn. Barry decided to try out the running machine, and was doing fine, until Zed adjusted the speed control and made it go faster. Needless to say, Barry couldn’t keep up, and ended flat on his face, and then shot off the end. Not put off by Zed’s prank, Barry tried his hand at bench presses. He lay on his back and lifted some weights, up, down, up, down. This is easy, thought Barry. But Penny had joined Zed’s mischievous mood, and they both added more and more weights, until the bar on top of Barry was so heavy, that Justtin had to help him up.
“ Two can play at that game,” said Barry. “ Now it’s my turn.”
“ I’ll help,” said Justtin. “ I do like the odd practical joke, or two.”
And so they hatched their plan.
***
“ And finally, Forfar 5, East Fife 4,” the T.V. announcer said.
“ Blimey,” said Zed, “ I wonder what odds you could get on that ever happening again? That would be worth a fiver.”
“ I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” said Penny.
“ It’s a football score,” said Barry. “ You do know what football is, don’t you?”
“ Of course I do. Twenty-two men in shorts, chasing a lump of leather about a field.”
“ Close enough,” said Barry. “ Talking of shorts, I’m going to change into mine, and go back to the gym. I want to have another go at the running machine.”
And with that, he went off to get changed.
Zed looked at Penny and they both shot out of the kitchen door, to beat Barry to it. But Barry wasn’t bothered. If things worked out right, they would be in for a bit of a shock.
Across the barn floor, ran a thin wire, which was nearly hidden. One end was in a plug, in a wall socket. The other end was attached to the running machine. Zed, in his haste to get to the running machine before Barry, didn’t see the wire, but Penny did.
“ Stop,” she yelled.
Zed stopped in his tracks.
“ What?” he said.
“ The crafty little sod has put a wire down,” said Penny.
They both lifted the wire off the ground and went in opposite directions. Zed traced the wire to the running machine, and with a quick tug, the wire came loose.
Penny ran her hands along the wire, all the way to the wall, and pulled the plug out.
“ Haha,” laughed Zed. “ Caught him out.”
“ Well done, that man,” said Penny.
“ What’s that smell?” said Zed, sniffing his fingers.
“ Smells like jam,” said Penny, sniffing hers.
“ What’s going on?” said Zed.
“ I don’t know,” said Penny.
Barry stopped at the door of the barn, where Justtin was waiting for him, with an old pickle jar, full of wasps.
“ Thank you Justtin,” said Barry. “ That’ll learn ‘em.”
Barry loosened the lid and put the jar, sideways on the ground.
“ He, he, he,” he laughed to himself, as he rolled the jar inside the barn, and pushed the door gently shut. The jar went about fifteen feet into the barn, when the lid eventually came off, and rolled in a different direction.
“ What the…?” said Zed.
“ Oh shit!” said Penny, as the now irate wasps started fleeing the jar and making their way toward the pair.
Barry didn’t want to miss Happy Days, so he left them to it.
“ Hey,” he said, Fonzie style. I’m sure I’ll get to hear about it later, he thought to himself, as he spaced hopped back to the house.

***
“ I can’t believe you helped him,” Zed said to Justtin.
“ Protect at all costs. That’s why I’m here. And that includes practical jokes from you two.”
“ That was a nasty trick to play,” said Penny.
“ No,” said Barry, “ not a trick. Zed does tricks. Revenge is what I call it. No more jokes on me, ok?”
“ Ok,” said Zed, scratching at his stings. “ Hurry up with the calamine.”
“ I’m not finished with it,” said Penny.
“ Mmm,” said Justtin. “ Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

***
The following morning found a warm Sunday. Zed and Penny hadn’t slept much, because of their stings, but Barry had had his best night’s sleep since arriving at the farmhouse, a month ago, safe in the knowledge that no more pranks would be played on him. He got out of bed, got washed and dressed, and went downstairs.
“ Hello deary,” said Aunt B, who was pruning the tree in the kitchen.
Barry couldn’t believe his eyes. He’d seen women wearing boob tubes before, but most of them were younger, not sixty-five. And the colour, bright pink. It just wasn’t right. It didn’t match the lime green thong.
OH NO! Not a thong as well, thought Barry.
“ Want some breakfast?” she asked.
“ Er, no thanks Auntie. I’m in a hurry. Bye.”
“ That’s a pity dear. I was going to ask your opinion about my gear.”
“ Stick to wellies,” Barry shouted from the garden.
He made his way to the barn, and hoped that the robot had finished clearing the wasps.
Justtin had cleared most of the barn, and settled for what he considered to be good enough. He could sense Barry coming toward him, but he also sensed something else, and this something else, he wasn’t sure about. He continued with what he was doing, but had to stop.
This was odd. Up to now, he thought he could deal with any situation, but this was different. This must be what confusion is like, he thought to himself.
“ Hello Justtin,” said Barry.
“ Er, hello,” said Justtin.
“ What’s wrong?” asked Barry.
“ I don’t know,” said Justtin. “ I’m confused, I think.”
“ That doesn’t sound like you,” said Barry. “ What are you confused about?”
“ Well, I could sense you coming here, just now. But I also sense something else, and I don’t know what to make of it.”
“ Do you have any clues at all?”
“ Still not sure, but it’s getting closer, whatever it is.”
“ How much time do we have?” asked Barry, beginning to get agitated.
“ An hour, maximum.”
“ Ok. You stay here and try and figure this thing out. I’ll get the others.”
“ Ok,” said Justtin. “ Something just not quite right.”
But Barry was too busy to hear him, as he rushed back to the house, as fast as his limp would take him, to wake the others.
“ Back so soon?” said Aunt B.
“ Something’s coming,” said Barry in a hurry. “ And get some bloody clothes on.”
“ What’s wrong with these then?” said Aunt B, as she shuffled off to get ready.
Barry limped up the stairs. He would have done it two at a time, but his damaged foot wouldn’t let him.
“ Zed. Penny. Let’s go. Come on. Wakey wakey.”
“ Whassa matter?” said Zed, trying to wake up and talk at the same time.
“ Something’s coming, and Justtin can’t work it out. This could be big trouble. Come on, move it.”
“ Ok. Ok. Calm down. How long have we got?” asked Zed.
“ Less than an hour,” said Barry.
“ Loads of time. Breakfast first, methinks.”
“ Stuff breakfast. We’re just about to be attacked or killed or something, and you’re thinking of food?”
“ Wouldn’t want to die on an empty stomach, would you?”
“ Besides,” said Penny, “ the only way anything can attack us, is from the air, and if I’m right, that’s Justtin’s department.”
“ But he’s busy, trying to work out what is going on.”
“ Ok,” said Zed. “ You go back to the barn and see if he’s come up with anything. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“ Ok,” said Barry, as he went back down the stairs, which he would have done two at a time, etc,etc.
“ Is this any better?” asked Aunt B, who was now wearing a pink tutu, which matched the boob tube ok, but you could still make out the lime green thong underneath.
“ Do you know what?” said Barry.
Aunt B gave him a quizzical look.
“ What?” she said.
“ It doesn’t make any difference at all, because in less than an hour, we’ll all be dead anyway.”
“ That’s nice deary,” said Aunt B.
Barry went back to the barn, and found Justtin exactly where he had left him.
“ You got anything yet?” Barry asked him.
“ Yes. A scrambled message,” said Justtin, “ but you’re not going to like it.”
“ Why, what does it say?”
“ Are you sure you want to hear it?”
“ Might as well. We’ve got nothing else to do.”
“ Ok. It says, Prepare to meet thy maker.”
“ Holy crap, we’re all going to die,” said Barry.
“ Why?” said Zed, as he and Penny entered the barn, followed by what can only be described as an ageing extra from Swan Lake, in wellies.
“ Tell ‘em,” said Barry.
“ I’ve had a scrambled message. It says, Prepare to meet thy maker.”
“ Sounds like they mean business,” said Zed.
“ Well,” said Aunt B. “ I’m not having it.”
“ Not having what?” asked Barry.
“ I’m not having anybody spoil my Sunday. Let me at ‘em.”
“ We need a plan,” said Penny.
“ Zed,” they all said in unison.
“ Already on it,” said Zed, puffing out his chest and feeling important. “Penny, you’re with me. Barry and Justtin, stay together. Look after him Jus.”
“ It will be my pleasure,” said the metal man.
“ B?”
“ Yes deary?”
“ Have you got your walkie-talkie with you?”
“ It’s in the fridge. I’ll go and get it,” said B.
The mind boggles, thought Zed.
“ Good. When you’ve got it, go down to the tank and sit tight. If anything comes up the tunnel, you let rip. Shoot first, ask questions later.”
“ Righty-o deary,” said B.
“ Justtin, are your missiles ready?” asked Zed.
“ Primed and ready, big buddy.”
“ Right, do you have a fix on them yet?”
“ From the south, about ten miles the other side of the river, but making steady progress. Estimated time of arrival, thirty minutes.”
“ Isn’t that marvellous,” said Barry. “ No-one else could have done that.”
“ Isn’t he sweet,” said Penny.
“ Shut up you two,” said Zed. “ We need total concentration. If they’re coming from the river, they can’t cross it. So they’ll have to go round.”
“ Unless they have a boat,” said Barry.
“ They wouldn’t carry a boat over land, would they?” asked Zed, to anyone who might be listening.
“ Or a tank,” suggested Aunt B, walking past with toilet paper hanging out the back of her tutu.
“ Well Justtin, what do you think?” asked Barry.
“ I still don’t know, but I have another message.”
“ Well,” said Barry.
“ Not long now. That’s all it says.”
“ Why would they tell us they’re getting closer?” asked Penny.
“ Good question,” said Justtin. “ But one I don’t have an answer to. Sorry. I feel like I’m letting you all down.”
“ Don’t talk crap,” said Barry. “ We wouldn’t know this much without you.
Just let us know if there’s any change.”
“ I feel so much better,” said Justtin.
“ So what do we do now?” asked Barry.
“ Um,” said Justtin.
“ We wait, I guess,” said Zed.
“ Er,” said Justtin.
“ This is the bit I hate most,” said Aunt B over the walkie-talkie.
“ Me too,” said Barry, who noticed that Justtin was trying to say something.
“ What’s up Jus?” he asked the robot.
“ You know that change you wanted me to tell you about,” said Justtin.
“ Yes,” said Barry.
“ It’s just happened, and I now know why I’ve been confused.”
“ Why? What’s going on?” asked Barry.
“ What ever it is, it’s in the air.”
“ What?” said Barry. “ A flying boat? That’s novel. At least we now know how they will get across the river.”
“ But surely,” said Penny, “ if it’s metal, you would know what it is?”
“ Yeah, funny that,” said Justtin. “ That’s what I’ve been scanning for all this time, but it’s not metal. I mean, there is metal there, but not enough to be an aircraft or helicopter. Just small traces. Still don’t know what it is though.”
“ How far is it?” asked Zed.
“ Couple of miles. We should get a visual in a few minutes.”
They all looked towards the southern sky, and sure enough, something came up over the trees.
“ I don’t believe it,” said Barry. “ We’re being attacked by a hot air balloon.”
“ They must be desperate,” said Zed.
“ I think we are all wrong,” said Justtin.
“ What do you mean?” asked Barry.
“ It’s not that hard to work out, when you think about it. Who’s the one person I’ve not physically met yet?”
“ I don’t follow you,” said Barry.
“ The first message was for me. Prepare to meet thy maker. Barry, it’s your dad.”
“ What?”
“ Trust me,” said Justtin. “ The whole reason I was confused, was because I didn’t register a threat. I thought the message a bit odd. It all makes sense now.”
“ So, you’re telling me that my dad’s in that thing?” said Barry, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
“ Yes Barry. I have another message coming in. Look at my screen.”
Barry looked and read, “ Get out of the bloody way, or I’ll put this down on your head. P. S. Hi son.”
“ Wow,” said Barry, and as he looked up to the sky to watch his dad land the balloon, he started to cry. Penny put her arm around him, and he buried his face in her shoulder. The different emotions hit him all at once. He was scared, happy and even a little sad, that maybe their little adventure was coming to an end. We needn’t worry about that for a little while though, readers. Plenty more going on in that old head of mine. I’ll get that fixed one day.
They all moved back to a safe distance, and foot-by-foot, inch-by-inch, the balloon got closer to the ground. Then as softly as it had flown, the basket under the balloon touched the ground, and stayed there.
Dad jumped out of the basket and stood there, looking straight at Barry. Barry was now crying so much, he couldn’t see his dad through the tears.
“ Come here son,” said dad.
Barry still couldn’t see anything, but he followed the voice, and with his arms raised, to cuddle his father, he ran as fast as his limp would allow, straight past his dad, and smack, into the side of the basket his dad had just got out of.
“ No change there then,” said dad.

***
“ Can I pull the trigger yet?” said Aunt B over the walkie-talkie.
“ No,” said Zed. “ There’s no need, B. You better come back. We have a visitor.”
“ Have I got time to put on some lippy?” she asked.
“ Do as you’re told,” said dad.
“ I know that voice. That’s Brian the butcher. I’ll be right there,” said B. “ Oh, over and out.”
“ Still as daft as a brush,” said dad. “ So, did I miss anything?” And as Barry sat and cuddled his dad, they took it in turns to tell their story.
Zed made a call to the Ministry, and told them what was going on, and ordered pizza for dinner. Aunt B was wondering what had happened to Brian the butcher. Penny made sandwiches and tea, and Justtin was talking to the balloon, which didn’t take long, because the balloon didn’t talk back. Justtin soon had other things on his mind. Dad had given him a new memory chip, and once it was installed, Justtin suddenly had all the missing information on Barry’s mum.
“ It won’t change him, will it?” asked Barry.
“ I don’t think so, why?”
“ I sort of made a promise.”
“ No, it won’t change him. I’m just adding the programme including your mother. I didn’t add her to the original chip, well, for two reasons really. Firstly to protect her from whatever was going to happen.”
“ Yeah. Penny figured that out.”
“ She’s a clever girl, that one. Jim said she would be an asset.”
“ Jim Bond? We met him. He’s ok. But what about mum’s picture? It didn’t look right.”
“ Oh, yes. I’d forgotten about that. The picture was taken at the same time as mine, but we had to super-impose it onto another background to give the impression that we weren’t together. Just trying to throw them off the scent, I suppose.”
“ Oh,” said Barry. “ Where is she now?”
“ In Scotland, staying with friends.”
“ Is she ok? I mean, is she safe?”
“ Oh, yes. They won’t go to Scotland.”
“ Why not?”
“ Too bloody cold.”
“ Oh,” said Barry. He thought for a second. “ You said there were two reasons for not putting mum on the chip.”
“ That’s right, my boy. I didn’t have time. All the moving around we did in the first couple of weeks, things were a little chaotic, to say the least. But, things slowed down and we settled in the place in Scotland. I’ve had plenty of time to perfect the chip, and add a few extras.”
“ Like what?”
“ Well, Justtin is now capable detecting any one of us, up to a distance of one hundred and twenty miles, as long as we wear one of these.”
Dad showed Barry a small metal badge.
“ As long as you wear the badge, Justtin can pinpoint your position, within a five yard radius.”
“ Wow,” said Barry, very impressed. “ What else can he do?”
“ Lots of things, but we can talk about that over the next couple of days. Then, I’m afraid, I must leave you again.”
“ I had a feeling you were going to say that. Can I go with you?”
“ I wish you could, but it’s far too dangerous. Besides, you have some good friends here, and you’re probably a lot safer.”
“ So why don’t you stay here as well?”
It seemed logical to Barry, that if they were safer there, then why didn’t dad stay?
“ I’ve got to get back to your mum. She misses you, you know.”
“ Yeah, I know. I miss her too. Can I phone her?”
“ No, they might be able to trace the call.”
“ All this secrecy. I wish I’d known before.”
“ We didn’t want you involved.”
“ It’s a bit late now,” said Barry. “ I already am. And it hasn’t done Zed any harm.”
“ I’ll talk to Jacob’s, and see what we can do.”
“ Cool,” said Barry, who yawned.
“ Get some rest lad. We’ll talk some more later.”
But Barry didn’t hear him. He was too busy snoring.

***
“ Prepare to meet thy maker. That’s good. That’s very good.” Justtin was making his way around the grounds, and happily muttering to himself. Like you do.
“ Hot air balloon,” he tutted. “ Well, I’ll know next time. I know what to look for now, don’t I.”
“ Hello Justtin,” said dad.
“ Ah! The maker man. You had me worried for a while.”
“ Yes, sorry about that. I’m just glad you didn’t open fire.”
“ Me too. I wanted to, but for some reason, I didn’t see you as a threat. I don’t quite understand it, but I knew we were safe.”
“ You’ve done much more than I expected, and for that, I thank you.”
“ Aw, shucks. If I could blush, I would.”
“ A change of colour might suit you. I can arrange it for you.”
“ What? A paint job. Now there’s a thought.”
“ Anything in mind?” asked dad.
“ Well, now you come to mention it, yes. Claret and blue actually.”
“ I can guess the reason why. The boys are both West Ham supporters, like me. I like the idea.”
“ Oh, er, no. That’s not the reason.”
“ Oh?”
“ No, you see, I’m made of metal, which means I can’t bruise. Claret and blue are the closest colours I can think of, that come anywhere near. So the next time Barry hurts himself, well, I figured he wouldn’t feel so bad.”
“ That’s very thoughtful. I wish I’d thought of it first.”
“ I could always say that it was your idea.”
“ Let’s get out of this little scrape first, and we can consider it done,” said dad. Who’s going to mess with a seven- foot tall, metal West Ham fan, dad thought?
The pizza arrived and everybody tucked in. The kitchen, as usual, was buzzing with laughter and chat. Barry sat next to his dad, for the first time, in what seemed like ages, because it was. Zed reached for the last slice of pizza, but Penny slapped the back of his hand, and as Zed pulled his hand away, dad grabbed the slice and gave it to Barry. Everybody laughed, except Zed, who was busy rubbing his hand. But he saw the funny side, after a minute or two.
Aunt B put some cups on the table, and filled them with Tizer.
“ I wish to propose a toast,” she said.
Everyone turned to look at her, and they all thought pretty much the same thing. Oh no, what’s she going to do now. But she surprised them all, as she stood and raised her glass.
“ Togetherness,” she said.
“ Togetherness,” everybody echoed.
Something had to happen. It did.
Barry slipped off his chair, banging his chin on the table’s edge and sending his glass of Tizer in the air. As Barry hit the floor, his arm knocked Aunt B’s chair, just as she was sitting down. Her bottom missed the chair by inches, and she joined Barry on the floor, with a bump, and rolled onto her back, also throwing her Tizer into the air. By this time, Barry’s drink had already picked it’s spot and was currently soaking into dad’s shirt. Aunt B’s drink liked the idea, and joined it.
“ Ung!” said Aunt B.
“ What?” said Zed.
“ Ung! Apparently,” said dad, wiping Tizer from his face with his already wet shirt.
“ There’s something you don’t see every day,” he said.